


Violet Roses

by dancewithmelancholy



Category: Boruto: Naruto Next Generations, Naruto
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alpha Uchiha Sasuke, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Also some hints at Orochimaru being disgusting to Sasuke, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, BAMF Uchiha Sasuke, Babies, Bottom Gaara (Naruto), Character Study, Coercion, Declarations Of Love, Denial of Feelings, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Family Bonding, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Feelings Realization, Friends to Lovers, Haruno Sakura Bashing, Healing, Hokage Uzumaki Naruto, Kazekage Gaara (Naruto), M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mpreg, Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Omega Gaara (Naruto), One-Sided Haruno Sakura/Uchiha Sasuke, POV Uchiha Sasuke, Parenthood, Past Child Abuse, Sasuke is in an abusive relationship, Sasuke working through his extensive truama, Sexual Coercion, Top Uchiha Sasuke, Trauma, Traumatized Uchiha Sasuke, Uchiha Sasuke-centric, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2020-10-24 23:28:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 23
Words: 92,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20714330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancewithmelancholy/pseuds/dancewithmelancholy
Summary: "Naruto is marrying Hyuuga Hinata, this spring." Kakashi said, eyes smiling, "Isn't that good news?"The words registered, but they didn't make any sense.Sasuke had just turned on his heel and left.A rewrite of Boruto where Sasuke realizes what Konoha has done to him and that Naruto unfortunately perpetuates the same system that victimized them both as children. He finds another home, where he didn't expect.





	1. Chapter 1

Sasuke avoided Konoha. Other than giving Naruto updates on his various missions he quickly gathered what supplies he needed and then promptly left. He never stayed more than a night, and he never stopped at the home he supposedly shared with Sakura.

He didn't want to see how the village was developing, and he didn't care for most of the citizens, whether he knew them or not. He did his duty because of his loyalty to Naruto and nothing more. Konoha was...not someplace he really wanted to be, at any given time. The memories of the massacre of his family compounded with the village elders' participation in the matter doesn't necessarily make him feel at home, whether Naruto was there or not. And lately, even the pull of seeing the blond wasn't enough to convince him to stop by more often than he needed to.

Sasuke usually stayed away from _ most _ of the great shinobi villages. He didn't have a particular reason for that, he just had an _ inkling _ that seeing Naruto's many comrades would be more trouble than it was worth. None were too fond of the Uchiha, due to actions of his past. Which was more than fine, for Sasuke. The fewer people near him the better he seemed to do anyway. Avoiding all of Naruto's friends and acquaintances probably made travelling harder than it needed to be for him (as he avoided stopping many places for that very reason, no matter how convenient it would be to resupply more often), but he grew tired of the mildly annoyed gazes thrown his way and the obvious distrust. The Uchiha trusted only one person himself, but being faced with the expressions of those that adored Naruto but only found Sasuke to be a nuisance was...annoying. He wouldn't say so, but it discouraged a lot of social interaction that Sasuke may have attempted otherwise.

The Uchiha stuck better to the shadows.

* * *

* * *

* * *

So, in his efforts to avoid Naruto's friends, he's less than thrilled when he has to stop in Sunagakure for supplies. He kicks himself internally for his carelessness, and for not planning better to avoid this. He'd been pursuing an enemy of the leaf Naruto had tasked him with finding and capturing, but he hasn't been paying attention to his supplies, or lack thereof.

And now he needed to stop in the large desert village, as it was the village closest to where Sasuke set up camp.

The Uchiha adjusts his cloak and runs his hand over his pack slung over his hip. Almost empty. He needed food, bandages…

Mismatched eyes land on the entrance to the village, and the man's exhausted brain tries to shift through several other options. None are ideal, but he could wait and make the trip to a smaller, more remote village where no one would look twice at him…

He can't. He knows he can't. Sasuke knows it's not tactically wise. The smart thing would be to get what he needs, ignore the stares and whispers about 'Konoha's former missing nin' and get out. There was no guarantee he'd have a bad experience just trying to gather his supplies and leave, but Sasuke isn't sure he wants to risk it.

And then there was the biggest obstacle. The Kazekage. One of Naruto's closest friends and the leader of said desert village.

Gaara would know immediately of Sasuke's presence, if he didn't know that Sasuke was already in the desert to begin with. The years he'd known the man taught him that the Kazekage was able to use his sand to sense who was where, though he rarely used it.

Sasuke simply grits his teeth and walks through Suna's gates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ever rare sasugaa fic lol. 
> 
> This is a rewrite of Boruto where Sasuke realizes that what Konoha has done to him and that Naruto unfortunately perpetuates the same system that victimized them both as children. And he decides to fix his life and do what's right for him, even if that solution comes out of nowhere. This story will tackle female on male sexual assault, mental health and recovery from Sasuke's POV.
> 
> Also if you like Sakura I'm sorry but she's not great in this fic.


	2. Chapter 2

_ Somehow, after leaving Konoha in order to redeem himself, he was more adrift than ever. After the war he wanted to stay with Naruto more than anything, but he felt he didn't deserve to, that Sasuke would be no good to his friend as he was. No good to anyone. The guilt that ate at him when he saw the space where the blond's arm used to be assured him of that fact. And then, in a more selfish sense… _

_ Sasuke wanted to get away from Konoha as soon as possible. Just being there made him sick, and it was impossible for him to be able to function in a village where the masses lived happily, unknowing of the brutality his family suffered, and why. He couldn't look into the villagers' smiling faces - the ones that rejected Naruto as a child, and to this day never apologized - and sleep soundly at night. He could never feel at home there. It was impossible. _

_ He wondered how Naruto could manage to stay. _

_ And Sasuke would have asked him (and he planned to, when he finally came back from his journey and had things figured out) if he wasn't then so suddenly faced with the news of Naruto's wedding. _

_ Kakashi had summoned him to the Hokage's office as soon as he set foot in the village, and Sasuke accepted the ANBU escort (and he'd noticeda while ago that no one else ever needed an escort, only him, but Kakashi never had anything to say about that) - then was staring at his old sensei as he repeated the words that Sasuke was so sure he'd misheard the first time. _

_ "Naruto is marrying Hyuuga Hinata, this spring." Kakashi told him, eyes smiling like it was good news, "Isn't that nice?" _

_ The words registered, but they didn't make any sense. _

_ Sasuke had just turned on his heel and left. _

_ He didn't stop to see anyone, he just walked out of the village and to the edge of the forest, fist clenched so tightly that he felt the blood pool in his palm where his nails bit into the skin. The need to get away almost suffocated him, and the little that was left of his missing arm throbbed painfully._

_ Naruto was getting married. _

_ Naruto was marrying Hinata. _

_ Had they always been close? They couldn't be. Naruto told Sasuke everything, and he'd never mentioned her. _

_ Sasuke didn't know. But he knew that for some reason his heart was breaking, and he couldn't articulate why, or why it hurt so bad. _

_ He'd stood at the edge of that dark forest and clenched his jaw as tears escaped his eyes, his expression was carefully blank but his mind up in smoke. _

_ Didn't Naruto promise him that he would - ? _

_ Why would he tie himself to her in such a way? Wasn't Sasuke already his bond? Wasn't that enough? What about what Naruto said at the valley? Why would he need her? How had she somehow stepped between them and - ? _

_ Sasuke didn't even know what he expected between Naruto and himself. But for some reason that he couldn't articulate (or maybe didn't want to, it would hurt too bad), this felt like being abandoned somehow. He'd never tell a living soul that, but it did. Something broke in his chest at the news. _

_ Where had this come from? _

_ Sasuke once again is left standing alone amongst the trees, trying to stop his heart from breaking and crumbling between his fingers like dust. _

_ His whole life felt like that sometimes. _

_ ____________ _

_ When the time comes he sends him one small, folded paper. _

_ 'Congratulations.' _

_ ____________ _

Sasuke can't say Suna has changed, simply because he's never been there. He's never had cause to visit, and he's never had reason to find himself in the desert at all. There is nothing in Suna that interests him, thus when he sets foot in the village that day, it's for the first time.

He doesn't know what he expects, but for some reason the busyness of the village somewhat surprises him, though his face remains the same mask of indifference it always is. The place always seemed like it would be completely quiet, abandoned like the desert itself. But the village was bustling and borderline hectic. Sasuke was forced to keep close to buildings in an effort to not stand out more than he already did. His black cloak was clearly not the common garment worn here, and various people rush about, all dressed spectacularly colorfully - small children in bright yellow and pink kimonos and adults in vivid teals to deep greens and blues. Flora adorns the sandy colored buildings, pots of plantlife hung all about, other buildings covered in vines and flowers. 

Interesting. How did such leafy plants survive here? How did they keep them from being scorched by the desert sun? How did they keep them hydrated?

He gets about twenty steps towards the marketplace before he's stopped by a cloud of sand that seemingly billows in from nowhere.

Sasuke pauses and looks to the cloud before him, sensing a chakra signature he hasn't felt in a very long time. He tenses, readying himself for the inevitably loaded and snippy exchange they're no doubt about to have. Naruto's other Kage friends didn't often waste energy on being civil to Sasuke if Naruto himself wasn't present. 

Just because he was used to it doesn't mean he looked forward to it, and the Kazekage was the closest to Naruto of all of the current village leaders.

Gaara materializes slowly and calmly, his eyes on Sasuke and his expression as blank as ever. Soon he's tangible and solid - all red hair and green eyes - right in front of him, just blinking at him. Several ANBU nin run up to the Kazekage's side, somehow looking stressed and hurried even behind their masks. They're clearly just escorting the Kazekage around the village (and a few years ago he'd heard Naruto laugh about how Gaara was required by his council to keep ANBU with him, as he had a habit of running off without telling anyone where he would be. Naruto seemed fondly amused by his odd, red-haired friend, and Sasuke was barely listening at the time, but the memory surfaces now), but Sasuke isn't paying them any mind.

The man's hair is a lot _ less _ messy, and a lot _ more _ like he's discovered a comb, and he's only the smallest bit taller than when Sasuke last saw him, which was after the war all those years ago. Eight years, to be more precise. Seven, maybe? 

It barely looks like the man has gotten older at all. 

Sasuke's had at least one growth spurt since then, but Gaara certainly has _ not _, still standing at the same height the Uchiha remembers. Interesting. 

All in all, the man looked pretty much the same. Same pale, young looking face and steely green eyes. Same dark circles, too. Same blank expression.

"Uchiha Sasuke." He greets, "It's been a long time."

Sasuke braces himself before he responds, apprehensive and hesitant.

"It has." 

"I figured it would be polite to greet you, at least - before letting you go on your way. Feel free to stay as long as you like and take what you need." He says simply, before turning and walking off abruptly.

Sasuke blinks, watching the Kazekage's retreating back.

Well. Gaara is still strange, then. At least time hasn't changed that. 

Sasuke's not one for small talk himself.

The ANBU hurry to follow their Kazekage - barely sparing Sasuke a glance - while Sasuke wonders why he feels the mild stirring of something that feels a bit like confusion. 

Gaara isn't having anyone watch him.

As much as Naruto's fellow kage claimed to trust Sasuke when Naruto was around, they still had ANBU tailing him whenever he stopped in their villages for supplies during his travels. Hence why he stopped doing so long ago, and stuck to smaller villages.

But...he looks around, mismatched eyes scanning sandy rooftops and roads behind him. 

No one. No one's watching him, not even covertly. Gaara was letting Sasuke wander about completely unwatched. He's truly left to his own devices. The man had truly just come to greet him and then disappear.

And Sasuke doesn't know what to make of that.

He gathers what he needs and leaves. He refuses to think about it.


	3. Chapter 3

Sasuke wakes early, nightmares from years ago wrenching him from his sleep and dragging him back to consciousness. He's used to them, but they still annoy him immensely, shoving them away to the back of his mind like he has for ages now. He bathes in a nearby lake before dressing and unwrapping a rice ball, settling under a tree and watching the sun rise and the world warm and wake up around him. The lake rushes to the shore not too far away, but he barely spares it a glance. The forest is quiet.

He likes quiet. 

Sasuke had escaped the desert as fast as he could, almost fleeing Suna - unwilling to push his luck. Exhaustion puts a sag to his shoulders that wasn't there a few short years ago, and he blinks tired eyes and sets them on the sky above him.

_ Blue. _ There was a time when the color was comforting to him.

(It used to remind him of Naruto's eyes, but no longer.)

He eats his breakfast alone, next to the rushing water of the river, thinking of strategies to draw out the latest enemy Naruto has sent him after.

His chest aches, and not completely in a physical sense.

* * *

* * *

* * *

The next month, when he's low on supplies again and finds himself near Suna, he doesn't have to think too incredibly hard about stopping there. He knows they'll at least leave him be, and Gaara wouldn't fuss nor have him watched, so he makes preparations for the short stop he'll make in the village.

He's in and out in less than two hours, and thankfully - just like last time - no one looks twice at him. No Gaara this time, either.

It's almost strange, and definitely a change, being able to wander about the center of a busy village and not be addressed in any way. The shopkeepers thank him with a 'have a nice day' like they do anyone else, and he finds himself not having to stick to the outskirts of the marketplace to avoid being spotted.

Here, no one seems to care that the last Uchiha, formerly a missing nin and terrorist, was wandering about.

But if Sasuke is anything, it's cautious, and while he'd like to sleep in an actual inn on an actual bed for once, he gathers his supplies and leaves again, resuming his mission.

Sasuke returns to Suna two months later, his shoulder sore from a battle fought in the woods earlier that week, his stitches pulling as he stretches his arm. It wasn't easy, stitching himself up with only one arm and a hastily conjured shadow clone. The clone was unsteady and having one arm didn't help. 

(Naruto was always better with clones. Better at everything, almost, though Sasuke would never admit it to his face.)

He managed alone, like he did everything else.

But still, the wound ached and Sasuke was exhausted. He needed supplies yet again, and for some reason he always ended up in the desert, like something was drawing him there. The alluring prospect of being able to gather supplies without being watched, no doubt.

That's why he finds himself in the busy Suna marketplace yet again, shoving extra kunai into his pack and mentally checking the item off his list. Next he needs food, and medical supplies. Then-

A red blur rushes past him, holding the hand of a smaller figure Sasuke can only see out of the corner of his eye. When he turns he sees Gaara holding a small child's hand, leading him to a stall. Sasuke pauses, curious.

The child points to something and Gaara bends to speak to him, before asking the shopkeeper something. The shopkeeper hands the Kazekage a plush bear, and Sasuke watches Gaara hand it to the child.

Gaara pays and takes the child's hand again, smiling softly as he leads the boy down the market stalls.

Then they're gone, almost as quickly as they arrived.

Sasuke stares after them, brows furrowed.

* * *

* * *

* * *

He would like to say that the sight doesn't stick with him - that it doesn't make him think of the little girl that waits in Konoha with his hair and eyes, but that would be a lie. Sarada should be about four years old now, he thinks. He hasn't seen her since she was three, but his stops in Konoha are few and far between, and he's not willing to change that. Sasuke rarely saw his own daughter, only about once or twice a year, when he could bear to stomach Haruno's presence. Which was so rare that he was sure the child barely even remembered his face. He never stayed for long, either. He couldn't. Usually if he stayed any longer than a few moments to see his daughter Haruno would get her hands on him again, and he...he just _ couldn't. _

There was a time - when he was a child who just lost everything he'd ever known and any family he ever had - when he dreamed of growing up and beginning to rebuild his clan. An...odd dream for a child maybe, to have children to honor his lost family, but it was a goal he held onto during those lonely days. Those days when he was just relocated to a small apartment by himself and given a weekly allowance from the liquidated assets of his dead clan.

He just wanted any family, _ anyone. _ Any survivor. 

Sasuke used to lie in bed in that empty apartment, the voices of his family and clan members echoing through his head as he stared at the ceiling, wishing he wasn't alone. That this didn't _ hurt _ so bad.

The little girl he hardly saw was his only blood connection, and Sasuke often wondered what it would be like if he could just take his daughter _ with _ him. So many times he thought that having the little girl near him would be so much better for them both, but he couldn't justify taking her from a stable home to travel with him. It was dangerous, and Sakura would definitely fight him on it, and then she'd…

No. His daughter was innocent. She shouldn't have to deal with the likes of him, or be caught between the two of them.

Just because he doesn't love her mother doesn't mean he doesn't love _ her. _

Sasuke feels like people often make the mistake of thinking that he has no capacity for love at all.

He wonders if anyone would believe him if he told them that wasn't true.

Sasuke doubts it.

* * *

* * *

* * *

He leaves again, quicker this time.

But he can't help wondering who that little boy was.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke nurses the stab wound on his shoulder after another battle with some faceless enemy ninja that Naruto sent him after, rinnegan activating before a surge of chakra pulls through him and teleports him to the desert. He doesn't know why that's the first place he thinks of, but he settles there for a night - about a day away from the village - clumsily patching himself up and succumbing to exhaustion.

He doesn't even really remember why he was sent after them, and truthfully he doesn't care (he cares about so _ little _ these days) but he accepted the orders like he always did, simply doing as he was told. 

Sasuke wonders when his memory got so bad. But he supposes when he doesn't care he can't be expected to remember the details of some random, low level thugs he's been sent to cut down. 

He'd tried to refrain from having to kill them, hence his injury, but in the end the men proved to be too dangerous and had to be eliminated. He'd done so easily, but his hesitance to outright murder them immediately caused one to surprise him and bury a kunai in his shoulder.

Why was it always his _ shoulder? _ He had _ one _ good arm left, he'd like to keep it intact.

_ Shit. _

As much chakra and jutsu as he had, pain was pain and he was still human after all, so he spent the night gritting his teeth and avoiding his side, not seeking to aggravate the wound further.

Needless to say, he doesn't get much sleep, and when he arrives in Suna the next day he sticks to the shadows though he knows he doesn't have to (and maybe it's a habit that he can't quite shake, but it doesn't matter), and in his weariness almost crashes right into the Kazekage himself.

Well, not crashes, but he doesn't quite see Gaara until he's face to face with him, looking down at the man in something like very muted surprise. It was rare that Sasuke wasn't vigilant and conscious of himself. He's sure his exhaustion doesn't help, but he mentally scolds himself anyway, forcing his tired mind to focus. He couldn't be so sloppy.

Sasuke had to stay sharp. _ Focus. _

But it was getting harder and harder to do so, though he was loathe to admit it to himself. Maybe he was just tired. Not in the trivial way that could be fixed with sleep, but rather a bone-deep weariness that he didn't know how to shake. He barely knew what it _ was. _ Travelling was possibly taking its toll, but he couldn't return to Konoha to rest for an extended period of time, and he couldn't stop moving. He already was being summoned to the Leaf, but he wouldn't stay for any longer than it took for him to give Naruto his report of the latest mission. Just because it was getting harder to get up in the morning didn't mean Sasuke could rest. He didn't _ deserve _ to.

No. Sasuke just had to get himself together.

Gaara's non-existent brows furrow.

"You've returned."

Sasuke is pulled from his thoughts at the sound of Gaara's voice, his green eyes blank and staring.

"Yes." 

Usually one word responses - especially from Sasuke - tended to put people off, but Gaara looks blank and unbothered by Sasuke's lack of small talk or greeting. Green eyes drift to his shoulder.

"You're bleeding."

Sasuke blinks at him for a moment before glancing down at his shoulder, eyeing the sluggish flow of blood that soaks through his cloak. It's a sizeable patch, which means apparently he'd been bleeding for a while. Well, that explains the brain fog, he supposed.

He bites back an annoyed sigh. Not even his best stitching efforts could keep his blood _ inside _ his body where it belonged, it seemed.

"I have bandages." Gaara says easily, turning to walk away, clearly expecting Sasuke to follow. 

He watches the man's retreating back for a moment.

It's presumptuous of the Kazekage to think Sasuke would want his help. Presumptuous to think that he'd follow him without question.

And for some reason, he does. Sasuke either tends to overthink or not at all, and this is one of the few times where he just moves without pondering it beforehand. After all, if Gaara had an issue with him being here he would have said so _ months _ ago, and the man had no reason to do him any harm. Especially if he hasn't already.

They walk in silence, Sasuke a few places behind Gaara, feeling the blood drip down his chest under his shirt and vest. Tactically, it was smart to accept the medical attention being offered to him, but he still eyed the multiple ANBU with a practiced wariness. He knew they weren't watching _ him _ \- merely overseeing the safety of their Kazekage - but Sasuke still refuses to let his guard down, eyes scanning the roof of the Kazekage mansion where the majority of them gather, eyes on Gaara as he lead Sasuke inside. 

He wonders how Gaara can handle being watched so closely, but he doesn't ask. It wasn't his business.

"If you would like to see the medics I can lead you to the medical ward, but I figure you would rather patch yourself up?" He asks, not turning around as he leads Sasuke down a hallway.

"Hn."

"Then I'll supply you with bandages and antiseptic." Gaara tells him, turning down another corridor before stepping into a room filled with potted plants and a large desk placed in the center. 

The surface is littered with papers, as if someone was in the middle of reading them all, and potted plants took up space on the windowsills and hung from the ceiling. 

Cacti.

But he notices the scent most of all.

The smell of Gaara's office makes him notice the smell of the _ entire village _ in a _ second, _ and he finally notices the scents are...vastly _ different _ from anywhere else he's ever been.

Suna smelled _ sweet. _ A lingering scent of sugar and flowers hung in the air, mixed with the earthiness that Sasuke has come to associate with the desert.

"Your village smells like a confectionery factory." Sasuke says before he can stop himself. 

The sweet smell hangs in the air, but it's bearable. He can even ignore it, after a while. In a way, he sort of only _ just _ noticed. Or rather, he noticed but he didn't quite make the distinction that Sunagakure smelled different than most villages until now.

Sasuke wasn't a particularly _ sensitive _ alpha. Pheromones often went ignored by him, and he couldn't understand the idea of losing control simply because of a smell. He never could.

But well, his sense of smell was dampened ever since that night, when Itachi filled his nose with the scent of his family's blood and the stench of death. He feels as if he's smelled nothing else ever since.

Gaara blinks, and rummages around in the desk drawer "Suna has a population of about 90% omegas, so I would imagine so."

Sasuke raises an eyebrow, glancing out the window, "Really."

"Is that a problem?"

"No. This is just the first I've heard of a majority omegan village." Sasuke says. It's true. He'd heard of mostly alpha or beta villages, but omegas were usually few and far between, if you came across them at all.

How has Suna not been overrun with rabid alphas? How was this large a concentrated number of omegas in one place living so safely? Ordinarily they'd constantly be attacked by any alpha who caught a whiff of the village's scent. Groups, even.

How was Suna still standing? 

Gaara, probably. Stories about the fearsome Kazekage probably deterred a lot of trouble. But still, the Uchiha thought, Suna was still somewhat of a shaky village, just now finding its footing largely thanks to Gaara's reformation of the place. A bit behind but not any less impressive than the other shinobi nations. 

But still.

It strikes him that the wind probably confused any alphas looking to follow the scent should they by chance even get a whiff of it from across the desert. Which was unlikely. 

With a little more thought Sasuke supposed it was possible after all. 

Interesting.

Omega pheromones rarely affected him, so his curiosity was purely factual, simply wondering how a village of this sort ran. Was it ran any differently at all?

He doesn't ask.

Sasuke's eyes land on a scroll lying on the desk, addressed to the Hokage and written in the usual code they all sent sensitive information in. 

Gaara was writing Naruto. About what, Sasuke wasn't sure, but the reminder of the Hokage makes Sasuke stomach turn. He's been ordered to return to the Leaf at some point within the next few days to give his report about the thugs he'd just wiped out. He didn't look forward to it.

Gaara follows his eyes, handing him the bottle and the box of bandages.

"There seems to be some traces of Kaguya's chakra littered about my desert. I figured Naruto should know." He says, like it was so easy to tell Sasuke such sensitive information. The Uchiha doesn't know what to make of Gaara, truthfully. The man clearly doesn't have a problem speaking to him, even though…

Sasuke decides not to think too hard about it.

"I am...on my way there." Sasuke says, wondering if he sounds as reluctant to return to Konoha as he feels, "If you have a scroll to send, I can deliver it."

It's the least he could offer, for the bandages and privacy.

Sasuke went quiet, waiting for Gaara to decline. He would, he was sure. 

People didn't trust Sasuke. He wasn't trustworthy. There was no way Gaara would trust him with a secure message for the Hokage's eyes alone-

"Would you? I would appreciate it." Gaara says, "But only if it's no trouble."

Sasuke blinks. Surprised.

"Hn." 

Gaara hands him the scroll and Sasuke pulls out another, drawing blood and pressing his finger to the seal. The scroll vanishes. He'll summon it when it comes time to give it to Naruto.

His eyes suddenly land on the farthest wall. 

An impressive collection of books and scrolls are displayed on a few shelves by the door that span the entire space, and the sight makes Sasuke pause. 

_ Books _ . _ So many books. _ He doesn't mean to stare, but his eyes fall on the shelves and he doesn't move, eyes greedily scanning the titles. 

His eyes fall on the spine of each book, quickly assessing the volumes.

Sasuke always picked up what he could find along his travels, but they were rarely to his tastes. He settled for them anyway, yearning for an escape of any kind. Something to grasp onto other than just the world passing him by. Something to focus on other than the mess that was constantly swirling about in his head. 

Mismatched eyes scan the titles on the second shelf and Sasuke feels himself brighten inside, just a bit. Volumes on ninjutsu, psychology…

"Feel free to take one with you." Gaara says suddenly, and Sasuke is reminded of the man's presence, "These books could definitely stand to be read by someone other than me."

These days possibly more than ever Sasuke ached to read anything he could get his hands on. 

Anything to not _ think. _

And then there was the escape. He didn't have to think about _ himself, _ or _ Konoha, _ or the Uchiha legacy. Whether the thoughts at the time were good or bad were almost irrelevant - they were simply _ overwhelming, _ no matter what. The world after the war was more peaceful than ever, but for Sasuke it got infinitely more complicated. He had to try and navigate the world in a strange middle ground where he was still looked at with disdain and fear for his past actions, but also acknowledged as the strongest shinobi standing by Naruto's side. He has untrustworthy to most, but still regarded with the tainted respect that came with fear. It was unnerving in a way Sasuke didn't anticipate. 

So he buried himself in books he found during his journey after the war. Sasuke let the stories and thoughts of others wash over him and send him adrift in a quiet place where he didn't have to _ think _ about so much. 

Sasuke read anything he could get his hands on. Fantasies from Iwa and medical journals from the Hidden Waterfall. He found a book of supernatural horror stories written by some reclusive author from the Sand village. He found that in a tiny village along the border of the Sound, actually…

Gaara words catch up to Sasuke and he turns to look at the Kazekage, who stands there neatening the papers on his desk and gathering scrolls to reorganize.

The man was so _ strange _ with how he simply allowed Sasuke to wander about his village, _ trusting _ him...and now... _ lending _ him books?

He has no reason to trust Sasuke. They weren't _ friends, _ (Sasuke doesn't _ have _ friends. He just has Naruto. His only bond, and he was a tool for the Hokage more than anything else because he didn't _ deserve _ Naruto's friendship, even now) and their allyship was nothing more than their villages vowing to come to each other's aid, and Sasuke being Konoha's war dog meant that should Suna be in danger he'd be deployed to help, but there was no personal bond between them. And while Gaara clearly didn't wish him harm, he couldn't quite understand why the man was so accommodating towards him. Nice, even. 

Gaara was so odd. Sasuke always thought so.

"Are you sure?"

"I wouldn't have offered if I wasn't." Gaara says, bluntly but not unkindly.

Sasuke chooses a book on psychology.

* * *

* * *

* * *

When Sasuke returns it two weeks later, Gaara lends him a new one. This one is suggested by the Kazekage personally, and Sasuke takes it, deeming it interesting enough to give his time. He nods to Gaara in thanks and sets off.

He reads the book over the course of the next month, and while the writing style is very... interesting, he enjoys it.

When he arrives in Suna to return it, Gaara turns towards the bookshelf and pulls another one from it before handing it to Sasuke.

"I'd like to hear your thoughts on that one." He says, wandering over to his desk, "I found it interesting."

Sasuke opens it to the first page as soon as he steps out of the office door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, a gay nerdy bookworm: haha you two fucking gay bookworm nerds *steals their lunch money and shoves them both in a locker*
> 
> Anyway I love gaara and sasukes dynamic and also they'd love books let's be honest with ourselves.
> 
> Lmk what you think!


	4. Chapter 4

"Message from Gaara." He says, handing Naruto the scroll. He stays by the window, eyes averted from the blue of the Hokage's eyes. He strides into Naruto's office unannounced as he usually does, still reluctant to even be in the building to begin with. He hated this place almost as much as his own "house". Once upon a time the murder of his family was decided here. 

Seeing Naruto behind that desk should have been reassuring, but Sasuke knows better now. He was no longer fooled by the blond's words. Years of experience taught him that words only went so far, and that no one was as strong as they claimed to be.

That promises made by bright eyed boys in valleys of stone and water only held so much weight. The real world set in soon enough.

Naruto looks tired, but he sits up when Sasuke enters. His hair is a mess and his clothing is wrinkled, his Hokage cloak thrown across the small couch on the other side of the office.

Another day sleeping in the office, then. The Uchiha could tell. He would ask, but he doesn't want to hear about Naruto's home life. He couldn't care less.

He doesn't want to hear Naruto gripe about how he couldn't go home to his wife last night. He didn't want to see the disappointed look on Naruto's face when he mourned over not having seen the Hyuga woman or his children for a day or two. He doesn't want to hear about the missed family dinners or anything else.

After a while it got easier to just not ask than to have to listen to Naruto ramble about his family. Talking to Naruto was always complicated - Sasuke always felt like Naruto brought up every emotion in him - but it was even more infinitely complicated now that he felt so disconnected from everything. _ Including _ Naruto. 

Sasuke doesn't know how or when it happened, but a rift formed between them. But the worst part was that it was like _only_ _Sasuke_ saw it. 

At one point, Naruto was the most important person to him. The only who meant more than anyone else, but after the war...something happened. Maybe Naruto changed. Maybe Sasuke couldn't recognize him anymore.

Maybe it was a rift between Sasuke and everyone - everything - else. What right did he have to hold such a strange resentment for the blond for just living the life he wanted? It wasn't Naruto's fault that _ he _ was trapped in this life.

Well, it may be. Just a little. He _did_ force him to open his eyes and keep on living when they were laying half conscious in that valley all those years ago. Sasuke had been ready to take his own life and call it quits, but...

The man gives him an annoyed yet fond look, "Hello to you too. Geez, Sasuke."

The Uchiha shrugs, "He's feeling traces of Kaguya's chakra in the desert."

Naruto doesn't comment further on Sasuke's lack of greeting. He may not really fully _understand_ Sasuke anymore, but he at least knew that the man wasn't up for small talk. Hardly ever was. Never had been.

Naruto scans the contents of the scroll, "He remembers how it feels enough to sense it? Even though he was in the infinite Tsukuyomi? And it's been years_ ?" _ Naruto raises an eyebrow, _ "Damn." _

"Hn."

Sasuke had thought the same thing. How did Gaara even remember Kaguya's chakra signature? Only a small handful of people were present for that. 

"Always surprising me, Gaara." Naruto murmurs to himself with a small smile, before he looks up from the scroll and at Sasuke, "Do you mind checking it out? I don't think anyone else could handle it, and I'll send a clone if you need backup until I can catch up. This is pretty serious."

Sasuke nodded.

"Sorry, I know you probably wanted to rest, but ah - well, yanno, it's Gaara so…"

"I'll leave now." Sasuke nods, liking that idea just fine. The desert was preferable to Konoha. Sasuke was just happy he wouldn't be forced to stay and speak to people he had no desire to interact with.

Suna always managed to take priority over other villages when it came to Naruto. It was no secret that if Iwa or some other village were in danger or Gaara needed assistance with so much as paperwork, the Kazekage took priority to the Hokage. 

No one was surprised, and no one begrudged Naruto for his preference. It was hardly ever a problem, really. Gaara rarely needed Naruto's help, so it didn't come up often. Naruto still kept a close eye on Suna - and his friend - all the same, willing and ready to jump in and offer assistance should anything arise whether Gaara called for help or not.

Yeah, the Hokage's favoritism for Sunagakure and its leader were obvious.

Almost as obvious as the Hokage's preference for the Uchiha.

Sasuke leaves before he can twist himself up in knots thinking about it.

* * *

* * *

* * *

The same little boy from the market was surrounded by toys and stuffed animals on a small, colorful rug in the Kazekage's office. He has little model animals and trucks that he's clearly thrown aside in favor of a plush bear, and the small cloud of sand that hovers nearby is hard to miss. The grains are black, like iron. Sasuke's never seen it before, and he takes a moment to observe the substance before concluding that Gaara had various methods for watching this child, and it was probably for protection, much like the Kazekage's own sand.

The child doesn't bother to look up when he enters, curiously tugging at the bear's bowtie and giving it a puzzled look. He tilts his head, observing the plush for a second, before simply hugging the toy to himself, content.

Gaara is doing paperwork at his desk, and every few moments his eyes glance at the child, making sure he's doing alright. Sasuke takes off his sword at the door, bracing it against the wall. He never brought weapons around Sarada, and this child was clearly close to Gaara in some way, so he figured he'd extend the same courtesy. The boy couldn't be more than five years of age.

He wonders if the ANBU of the Sand village were expecting him. They didn't stop him from walking right into the Kazekage mansion and into Gaara's office - they simply stepped aside at the door and let him through without a thought.

"Message from Naruto." He says, putting the scroll on the desk, taking a step back and glancing at the redhead, who dutifully nods to him in greeting and opens the scroll.

The boy looks up from the stuffed bear he plays with, looking at Sasuke curiously.

"He says that if you feel anything in the desert again, don't hesitate to call one of us." Sasuke says, handing him the accompanying letter. It was how Naruto chose to send his more personal messages to his fellow Kage, namely Gaara. _ Scrolls _ were for official business. 

_ Letters _ were for pleading with your friends to keep themselves out of danger. Apparently.

Gaara blinks at him but takes the paper, looking faintly affronted, "I can handle it. That's not necessary."

Sasuke gives him a level look, "It's what he said. He'd like to know."

"I'll handle it." Gaara says simply, unravelling the scroll, "If anything ever arrived in Suna it would be far too late to call anyone anyway."

"Naruto was adamant." Sasuke says.

It's true. Naruto would rather deal with the threat himself instead of having Gaara possibly put in danger and out of his depth. 

Sasuke knew that was Naruto's real issue here. He was... protective of a handful of people, and the Kazekage is definitely one of them.

"I'm sure he was,'' Gaara says. It sounds non-committal and more casual than Sasuke knows Naruto would like, especially when talking about Gaara's safety. 

Sasuke knew that wasn't any sort of agreement from the Kazekage, though. Gaara hasn't agreed not to fight, should he cross paths with whoever was scattering that chakra around. Naruto wouldn't be happy about that.

Gaara stands after a moment, placing the scroll on the desk and brushing past Sasuke to pick up the young child, holding him close for a moment.

"It's time for bed, Shinki. Uncle Kankuro is going to tuck you in, alright?" He tells the child, and Sasuke watches in surprise as Gaara goes from blank to warm in an instant when dealing with the boy. 

Shinki hugs Gaara and pouts, "Can't you?"

"I'll be along shortly. I just need to speak to someone about something important first." Gaara says, and right on time, Kankuro opens the door and peeks inside.

His face is free of makeup for once (and Sasuke might have forgotten that Gaara's brother didn't have his face paint pretty much grafted onto his face, seeing as he's seen the man maybe three times in his entire life) and he smiles at his brother before his expression becomes one of muted confusion upon seeing Sasuke of all people in the room with them as well.

Gaara doesn't address his brother's confusion though, he just gently puts the boy in Kankuro's arms and nods at them both.

"Thank you, Kankuro. I'll see you in a bit, Shinki. Be good."

The puppeteer looks between Gaara and Sasuke (who stands there frozen and a bit unsure what to do) and adjusts the boy before turning to leave, "C'mon buddy. Let's get you all ready for bed."

Then they're gone and Gaara's looking at him again, picking up the scroll and moving to stand behind his desk.

"I can't promise that I won't engage an enemy in my desert, but if Naruto is so eager to help, I'll inform him that his continued support of Sunagakure is quite enough." Gaara says, "I wouldn't be a Kage worth anything if I allowed someone else to defend my people in my place."

"He won't accept that." Sasuke says, eyes on the toys the child left on the floor. 

"He's going to have to." Gaara says simply, penning a response, "He cannot solve everyone's problems."

Sasuke doesn't know what to say to that. He just knows he agrees.

"How did you enjoy the book?"

Sasuke looks up and blinks at the Kazekage, who gives him a quizzical look. It takes him a second to realize that the man means the book he lent him a few weeks ago. Right. Sasuke actually finished it that week, and then reread it. Some part of him wanted to see what Gaara saw, and he wondered why he liked it so much. It was a well written piece, he just wondered what drew the Kazekage to it.

It also occurs to him that this is Gaara's way of changing the subject.

Sasuke takes the volume from his pack, "It was interesting, but clearly written by someone who was quite unhinged."

Gaara managed a small smile as he finished up his response to Naruto, looking over the scroll, "I agree. The subject matter was enough to keep me entertained though."

"Likewise." Sasuke says. He wants to ask a million questions. He wants to ask who that little boy was. He wants to ask Gaara why he likes that particular story so much. 

Sasuke keeps quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah the plot thickens. More abo aspects are coming, no worries. I just want to keep the time of the story flowing. The alpha and Omega stuff will come into play a bit more soon.
> 
> Anyway, here's more of Sasuke being lonely and craving an emotional connection he unfortunately can no longer get from his best friend.


	5. Chapter 5

Initially, Sasuke camps out in the desert for a few nights, just keeping an eye on the place, like Naruto directed him to. He spends his time reading the latest book Gaara lent him, and looking out for anything unusual.

(He distantly wonders when he became a messenger for the Hokage, and when this became Naruto directing him instead of the partnership the blond said he wanted at the valley, but he shakes the thought from his head. Maybe this was _ always _ what Naruto meant.)

He wakes early in the mornings, often rising before the sun - waking from his usual nightmares and restlessness - before he eats the food he has packed away and gathers his camping supplies. Then he walks the perimeter, eyes open for anything amiss and chakra searching for any other chakra signatures. Sometimes he senses small shreds of the chakra that Gaara reported, but he can never follow it for long before it scatters and disappears into the warm air, like mist.

The desert is windy and quiet - vast and seemingly never ending. Once he's out there, he can't imagine being anywhere else. The sand stretches on for as far as his eyes can see, a sea of tan and gold.

So, so quiet.

But on the fifth day - when he shakes sand from his camping supplies and prepares to canvas the area for anything unusual - he feels something nearby. 

Sasuke pauses what he's doing and starts to slowly and quietly make his way toward the intrusion.

A disturbance. He pushes his hair out of his face and quickly gathers himself, focusing on a few grains of sand, his rinnegan spinning to life. Sasuke feels that familiar shift and he's closer to the whirling tornado of sand he's spied in the distance, swirling into the air.

Teleportation was one of his eyes more useful abilities, he'll admit.

He looks at the whirlwind, observing the patterns of the sandstorm. 

It doesn't..._ look _ natural. It looks like someone is doing it consciously. The movement of the minerals looks too choreographed and...deliberate? 

It looked like they were dancing. If such a thing were possible.

Sasuke moves closer, squinting as the grains start to sting his face the closer he gets. He raises his arm to shield his eyes, and he focuses a little further ahead yet again before quickly teleporting closer. The world shifts as he moves, and his eyes suddenly catch on a short, shadowy figure. 

Sasuke takes a few careful steps forward, hand moving from his face to reach for his sword on his back, slowly. His fingers clasp around the handle of the blade, and he tenses slightly, ready to draw his weapon at the slightest provocation. He takes a few more careful steps towards the center of the sandstorm, the sound of his boots crunching along the desert floor completely overpowered by the sound of the wind whipping about.

A figure slowly comes into view. A pale hand, a lock of red hair.

Ah.

_ Of course. _

Sasuke supposes he shouldn't be surprised.

He sees Gaara in the center, holding that same little boy. He's a bright, red spot in the sea of tan, catching Sasuke's eye easily. Shinki clings to the Kazekage, and the boy waves his hands into the air, trying to catch the grains of sand that float about. Gaara smiles at him warmly, pointing to what Sasuke can now see are swirling shapes floating in the center of the whirlwind.

Sasuke doesn't know why, but he just freezes and watches them for a long moment. Eyes glued to them and completely at a loss for what to do. A part of him urges him to turn and walk away, act like he never saw anything and push the image from his head - and usually he definitely would simply because this was none of his business and had nothing to do with him, but for some reason he can't move. He just stares.

Sasuke expected an enemy, maybe a wanderer - not Gaara entertaining this little boy. 

"See that one?" Gaara asks gently, pointing to a small but animated fish he's created from the sand in the wind.

The boy smiles, trying to grab the swirling creation that swims around his fingers, narrowly avoiding the child's hand. Gaara makes the fish collapse out of shape and turn into a dolphin, cleverly dodging Shinki's clumsy attempts to grasp it.

Gaara watches him, quietly amused.

"Father, a starfish? Please? Like in my book?" He asks, looking up at Gaara. Gaara scraps the dolphin and crafts a starfish that bobs about and floats around Shinki's head. The child laughs quietly.

Sasuke looks at the little boy. So that's who he was.

Gaara had a son. 

He knew the man was an omega, but he'd never heard anything about Gaara having a child. Nothing at all, in fact.

And with who? Did Naruto know? Why didn't he say anything? Why didn't _ anyone _ say anything? The omega didn't smell like he was bonded, and there were no signs of a mating bite at all.

And more than that, Sasuke doesn't know why he's so curious. He usually wouldn't care, but something about the fact that he _ doesn't _ know _ bothers _ him. He wants to ask, and it's like every time he sees the Kazekage he just ended up with _ more _ fucking _ questions. _

He guesses he wants to know more, though he isn't sure why. And he isn't quite sure why it bothers him that he doesn't.

Sasuke hasn't thought this hard about his own emotions for a while. He hasn't been so _ confused _ by them in a while either. Sasuke knew misery and detachment, it was _ familiar, _ but _ this _ was a new feeling he had to think over, examine and _ inspect. _

And he still didn't know what to make of how he felt, looking at the Kazekage. Confusion? Curiosity? Maybe.

"Sasuke." Gaara says, and he's pulled from his thoughts and faced with the redhead blinking up at him. The little boy tilts his head, looking on curiously. 

Sasuke thinks maybe he's seen Gaara do that a few times before. Picking up his father's habits, most likely. Sarada had a few of Sasuke's mannerisms too, even if he hardly saw her.

The sandstorm had settled while Sasuke was absorbed in his own thoughts, and Gaara had apparently seen and acknowledged his presence while the Uchiha wasn't paying attention.

"Gaara."

Green eyes blink at him again.

"Taking a walk?"

He observes the sand as it settles.

"I was given orders."

"To watch the desert, I assume." He says, narrowing his eyes, "Are you out here alone?"

Sasuke doesn't know what to say to that. He could say yes, and it would be the truth, but he doesn't think that's what Gaara's asking.

It's a loaded question. It's obvious by the look in the man's eyes.

Gaara just blinks at his silence before adjusting Shinki and turning around, walking away. 

"Well, dinner is in an hour, so we should be going." He says, and Sasuke watches him go and ponders how _ strange _ and incredibly _ abrupt _ the man is. The sand crunches beneath his boots, and Sasuke is about to turn and head back to his own camp until he hears Gaara address him again.

"You should hurry before we leave you behind." The Kazekage calls, "It's very easy to lose me in the desert if you fall behind."

Gaara keeps walking, and Sasuke turns to stare after him again. Then he takes a step, and another, and suddenly he's walking at Gaara's side, blinking down at the little boy in the man's arms who eyes him curiously.

He doesn't know why he follows the Kazekage again, but in his defense, lately Gaara and his village have been one of the more...agreeable things in Sasuke's life. He guesses. 

Though it feels strange to acknowledge it, and he doesn't really know what to make of it or what that really even means.

"Have you been out here long?" Gaara asks, pulling him from his thoughts. 

Gaara's looking forward, eyes on the desert and expression distantly troubled. Though Sasuke doesn't know why Gaara would care. What would it matter to him? To anyone?

"A few days."

Gaara's expression grows slightly darker in a subtle way, like he's angry and doesn't want to show it, "And Naruto ordered you to do this."

It's not a question. Sasuke doesn't need to answer.

"Who're you?" Shinki pipes up suddenly.

Sasuke looks at the child, unsure what to say for a moment. He wasn't really expecting that question.

"I'm...just someone who's known your father for a long time." He says haltingly.

The little boy looks at him for a long moment, but seems to accept that answer.

"Okay." He says after a moment, "I'm Shinki."

"Sasuke. Hello." Sasuke says. He can't help being a bit amused by the boy. Sarada often got that reaction from him too. Not quite a smile, but close. He actually wasn't completely terrible with children, like people might think.

He misses his daughter, in that moment.

"You're lucky, he's usually not so talkative around people he doesn't know." Gaara says after a moment.

Shinki busies himself with the button on Gaara's coat, fiddling with them, effectively distracted.

"Hn. Really." 

"Really."

Sasuke is about to say something (though he doesn't know what, exactly) but then he notices they're at the entrance to the village and he'd barely noticed they were approaching. The guards materialize yet again, following their Kage as soon as he enters through the village gates.

Sasuke is flanked as well as a result, but not watched. They barely spare him a glance. The people of the village greet the Kazekage and his son as he passes, cheering their praises and adoration. Sasuke watches Gaara quietly greet and thank his villagers as he passes while Shinki shyly hides his face in his dad's jacket, obviously unsure of what to do with affection from so many strangers thrown his way. Sasuke avoids what eye contact he can, and instead keeps his eyes on the buildings they pass, trying to keep himself out of any limelight despite being walking with the Kazekage. It works, and he's thankfully ignored. A few villagers give him a curious glance, but he doesn't have to speak to anyone, and he's grateful.

The village seems even more green than the last time he visited, the sanded buildings covered in even more vines and flowers. 

They walk in silence, and Gaara doesn't force conversation. It's quiet, but comfortable. 

Gaara leads him into the mansion and Sasuke notes how the ANBU bow to the Kazekage and then quickly scatter, watching from the rooftops surrounding the Kazekage residence. Only one escorts the redhead inside and then bows low before disappearing out the window, content that their Kazekage is safe for the night.

They kept such a close eye on him. Sasuke didn't envy that sort of attention. Having eyes on him made him more and more uncomfortable as the years went on. During the academy, everyone was always staring at him, and after his clan's massacre he shrunk under their gazes and wanted nothing more than to hide from all prying eyes. Sasuke hated it. Hell, even Naruto got a bit uncomfortable when people stared at him, even as Hokage. But Gaara acted like he barely felt anyone's eyes on him at all.

It's not like he can ponder that long though, because he's suddenly distracted by the fact that he's in _ Gaara's home _ for _ some _ reason, and he isn't completely sure why he followed the man and agreed to come with him in the first place, but he's here and he finds himself even _ more _ curious about the man before him, even if he wouldn't say so out loud.

Gaara's preference for plant life was obvious, judging by the amount of greenery in pretty much every room. The residential section of the mansion was in the west wing, away from their offices but close enough to the medical wing in case of emergency, and he finds himself standing in the middle of Gaara's living room. 

The offices felt completely different from where Gaara and his son stayed. Sasuke assumed that was the point.

The living room was littered with toys that Sasuke assumed to be Shinki's - stuffed animals and coloring books tossed about - looking very much like a small child went through it all that afternoon. Plants were on the windowsills, in various colorful pots. Some were in crystal clear orbs that hung from the ceiling. More bookcases lined the wall. A kotatsu table was in the middle of the room.

Sasuke takes off his cape, holding it over his arm and trying not to fidget. He's unsure how to react. People don't usually just _ invite _ Sasuke into their home. Sasuke didn't usually _ go _.

"Any allergies or dietary preferences?" Gaara asks simply, putting Shinki down and telling him to tidy up his toys on the floor before dinner. The little boy flies towards the stuffed animals first, scooping them up and putting them back in the toy chest.

Sasuke shakes his head silently, fidgeting where he stands. 

Gaara nods and heads into the adjoining room. Sasuke follows, unsure what else to do.

The kitchen is like any other, and Sasuke distantly wonders if every Kazekage before him lived in a normal apartment in the mansion like Gaara did. He doubts it. This space seemed exclusive to the redhead, who silently flips on the stove and sets a pot on it, reheating it.

Shinki wanders in, blinks up at Sasuke and then asks, "Help?"

The Uchiha nods, relieved that he has something to do with his hand. He sets his cape on a chair and takes the plates the boy hands him.

"They go there." Shinki says, pointing to the table. Sasuke nods and places them there, trying not to stare at either Gaara or his son.

Sasuke doesn't know how he even got here, really. They haven't seen each other in years and now - after only a few conversations and shared books over a handful of weeks - Sasuke is having _ dinner _ with them.

And while Sasuke feels an interesting blend of dull shock and awkwardness that he tries to hide, Gaara just acts as he usually does. Like nothing was out of place at all. Like Sasuke isn't just sitting at his dinner table, when this is the last place _ anyone _ would think he would be. Having dinner with the Kazekage and his kid.

Gaara just seats Shinki in his chair and gives him his chopsticks (small, colorful and clearly for children) before putting food on the plate in front of Sasuke as well.

Gaara doesn't eat anything, he just pours himself a cup of tea and sits next to Shinki, getting to work cutting the child's food into smaller pieces.

"Better?" He asks. Shinki nods and happily starts to eat, chattering to his father about something Sasuke has no idea about.

Sasuke looks down at his own plate. Right. He should eat too. He still feels somewhat out of place, but Gaara's casual air settles him, he guesses. He feels the tension leak from his shoulders, even if it's just a bit.

Gaara asks Sasuke no questions, and he doesn't force Sasuke to speak. It's like he knows the man wouldn't be up for it. And that was fine. Sasuke's thankful for that. He feels like he's always being forced to do _ something _ he doesn't want to lately, and it's exhausting. It's _ been _ exhausting for _ years. _

Hell, Gaara hardly seemed like he expected _ anything _ from Sasuke.

Sasuke relaxes a bit more, picking up his own chopsticks.

He usually ate alone these days, and he'd grown accustomed to it. It occurs to him, as he hears Gaara and Shinki make conversation, that this is the first meal in about a year that he's had with others. Maybe longer. He isn't sure.

Sasuke has almost forgotten what it was _like. _To sit down and share food and company with others, hear them _talk_ and _feel_ _their_ _presence._

* * *

* * *

* * *

"I should get back to my...mission." he says once the dishes are cleared, wondering why he feels oddly reluctant to leave, "But, hn. Thank you."

Gaara nods, looking up at him from where he kneels to wipe Shinki's mouth with a napkin, "Of course. Though it is still...strange to me that Naruto would have you in the desert by yourself."

Sasuke barely holds back a bitter and sudden 'well he thinks I'm a wind-up toy who is meant to be sent wherever he pleases, apparently' and instead he just looks away, unsure how to respond. What could he say to that? 

Of course Gaara wouldn't know what Sasuke's position is. He likely didn't know that Sasuke was mostly the Hokage's war dog. Technically, no one was supposed to know. Sasuke is technically supposed to keep a low profile wherever he goes so no one finds out he's Konoha's secret weapon.

"Lord Hokage has a reason." He says, and the words taste bitter on his tongue.

"Of course, but…" Gaara frowns, a break in his usually stoic expression, "You really shouldn't be out there. It drops below freezing at night and the sandstorms…"

"It's fine." Sasuke says, "I can...handle it."

Gaara gives him a slightly troubled look before he looks away. Shinki is handed off to an attendant who arrives to put the child to bed, and Gaara leads him to the village entrance. The ANBU jump to attention again. The night is slightly chilly, and Sasuke knows that by the time the sun goes down completely the desert will go still and cold, like it has every night since he's been there.

"If you're sure, I won't say anything more about it.." He says, "Though there are always inns and places for you in the village, if you ever get tired of dealing with the elements."

Something about that suggestion makes a part of Sasuke's chest get tight, like he can't breathe. The Uchiha finds himself annoyed with himself and all these _ new _ reactions he's having lately. How annoying.

He nods, and he realizes they're already at the entrance and the ANBU nin are flanking them yet again.

Sasuke cracks and _ finally _ asks.

"How do you deal with being watched every minute?" Sasuke asks, eyeing the ANBU who tail Gaara, keeping their usual close eye on the Kazekage.

Green eyes look at him for a moment, thoughtful. Sasuke tries not to stare again.

Sasuke realized, a few weeks ago, that Gaara didn't actually have any _ pupils. _ Something was always very different about his eyes, but Sasuke wasn't really trying to look all that closely when they were kids, then teenagers, usually trying to beat the shit out of each other. 

Anyway, Gaara's eyes made it look like he wasn't looking at anything in particular, which made him appear almost spacey and not all there.

It was never the truth, though. Gaara's eyes were always right on their target, focused. Sasuke doesn't know when exactly he started noticing this stuff, and he doesn't know why he does, but it catches his attention.

The man is strange, he guesses. It's not a negative, Sasuke just can't help but notice. He doesn't know why that is.

"It's not hard to lose them." He says simply, and he starts to lose color in front of Sasuke's eyes as he crumbles into sand and begins to scatter and blow away in the wind.

Sasuke covers his face with the crook of his arm on instinct, though Gaara obviously expertly controls every grain to avoid touching Sasuke as he drifts away. 

The ANBU immediately jump to attention, their masks somehow portraying their alarm and panic at their leader's sudden disappearance.

Sasuke watches Gaara disappear and he sees the ANBU scatter, clearly trying to locate Gaara's whereabouts.

Well, Sasuke guessed that was it, then.

He turns and exits the village, shaking his head. Of course.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke eats his next meal alone in the desert the next morning. He tries to ignore how empty it feels in comparison to the last one.

It's best not to think about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't know how well done this chapter is but I'm so sick of looking at it lol. Tell me what you think!
> 
> Also gaara would be the most nurturing dad because that's what he never had and always wanted so ya


	6. Chapter 6

Sasuke is only in the desert for another day before he wakes to find a bento box with fresh food steaming in front of his small campsite.

He can smell the package, and it smells like...Gaara. The Kazekage's scent lingers in the desert, even though he's clearly long gone, but he picks it up startlingly easily. Sasuke doesn't know when he got familiar enough with the man's scent to recognize it so quickly and with so little effort, but he has, and he can smell the omega's scent all over the small box left by his campsite.

There's food, and then there's a small case of bandages and antiseptic, some other medical supplies and herbs. A thermos. Blankets are folded under the box.

Gaara.

Usually Sasuke wouldn't accept it, but he knows who it came from so he has no reason to be suspicious. That familiar rosy scent sets him at ease, and he has no idea why. He doesn't know what to think about anything that's happened lately, but he finds himself reaching for the box and storing the contents in his pouches, wondering why he has the strange urge to inhale as much of that flowery, earthy scent as possible. It confuses him, and Sasuke doesn't even really have a similar experience or feeling to compare it to. 

Sasuke chooses not to think about it for the moment.

* * *

* * *

* * *

The food is delicious.

* * *

* * *

* * *

By the time Sasuke actually faces the threat in the desert he's been out there for three weeks, and his camping supplies consist mostly of the supplies Gaara's left for him. He rationalizes his quick acceptance of the Kazekage's help because he's been keeping watch and unable to retrieve supplies from Suna himself, but he also feels like that is only half of his reasoning for letting Gaara get this close. He contemplates it for a few days at a time, but he hasn't come to any concrete conclusion, and he finds himself more confused by his thoughts and emotions than ever.

And he finds that endlessly frustrating. Just like Gaara himself. 

He'd woken every morning since that day to new supplies left outside his camp, and he could tell they were all from the same place. Everything smelled like a rose garden, and by the second week Sasuke is even more frustrated and confused by the fact that he sort of hopes that one day the man comes around when he's awake so he can actually _interact_ with him.

The thought comes to him when he's picking through the things Gaara's left one morning, and he immediately freezes and wonders where the _hell_ that came from. Sasuke hasn't actually _wanted_ to speak to anyone in ages. He used to look forward to mission debriefings with Naruto, but now he dreaded seeing the blond. He was always behind that desk, and always giving Sasuke that blankly cheerful look, like he expected Sasuke to be just as content with things as he was. Haruno was a nightmare to deal with, and he spoke to no one else in Konoha - often opting to leave the village to avoid seeing anyone else he didn't know how to talk to - but for some reason Sasuke caught himself regretting that Gaara only came around when he was asleep - when he was unable to speak to him.

What the hell _was_ it? _Curiousity?_ _Confusion?_

Sasuke has no idea, and he's getting just a bit fed up with himself and these strange thoughts that seem to be coming from nowhere.

But one morning he doesn't have time to have his usual crisis regarding the Kazekage, because he senses the strange chakra closer than ever before, and he jumps to attention - his hand on his sword, like it's instinct - as he feels his rinnegan swirl to life. The desert is deathly quiet, but the Uchiha can feel the dark, sharp and oppressive aura of the Otsutsuki clan's power. His skin crawls, just like it did battling Kaguya way back then. Sweat begins to pool under his collar, the sun high in the sky and already beating down on Sasuke's neck.

He follows the trail, lightning fast and on high alert - ready to strike at the threat as soon as it's within eyeshot.

When he finds the figure standing in the desert - not too far from where he's set up camp - Sasuke doesn't hesitate. He never does, and finds no reason to. His sword is drawn in less than a second and he's striking at the being that he can sense the concentration of chakra from, and he only gets a glimpse of a smug grin before he's struck the figure head on.

The man has snow white skin and lavender eyes, like the Hyuga woman that Naruto married. Sasuke distantly remembers learning that the Hyuga are descendants of Kaguya and her ilk. 

The byakugan, then.

He's dressed in a white robe, his grin grim and smug. He moves fast, and launches himself away from the Uchiha, landing gracefully a few feet away.

Lavender eyes narrow at him and Sasuke feels that familiar swell of irritation when his hit doesn't land, but he steadies himself as his sharingan eye activates.

"And who are _ you?" _ The man drawls. He looks at Sasuke like he's a particularly bothersome insect, and it immediately grates on his nerves.

"What do you want with this place?" Sasuke snaps, ignoring the question. 

Lavender eyes blink at him.

"You mortals are very interesting." His enemy spits, grinning nastily, "Maybe I'll take those eyes of yours."

The Uchiha doesn't flinch. It's not the first time someone has threatened to do so. He vividly remembers Itachi in that moment, his brother's fingers digging into his eye socket...

"I would definitely like to see you try." He says easily, leveling his blade at the man, "I'll ask once more, and _only_ once more. What is your business here?"

The man takes a step, casual and not at all fazed by the sword in Sasuke's hand. 

"Reconnaissance. I wished to see the world that Kaguya couldn't bring to its knees." He says, grinning wider and showing off rows of sharp teeth, "Quite an interesting world you all have here…"

Sasuke strikes again, quick as light. The man dodges, grin widening - looking manic.

He tilts his head in thought, blinking at Sasuke.

"But I came across the most _interesting_ thing!" He licks his lips, "There's a very...alluring smell of..._ omega _ in this desert. The scent is on you, too." 

Sasuke glares.

He laughs, "Maybe I'm hoping I'll run into whoever that delicious scent belongs to. I would enjoy having a human omega. I hear they break so _ easily." _

Sasuke grits his teeth.

"I can't say I know what you mean." He spits.

The man's grin widens, "Really? No idea?"

He uses his rinnegan to teleport close enough to attack, building his chakra and summoning Susanoo's arm to grip the man and hold him steady.

Sasuke's sword is a blur, and in a flash of silver and blood the man is wailing in pained rage, swinging wildly at the Uchiha - smug, casual air long gone.

It's only when Sasuke stumbles back can he see the damage he's inflicted.

He manages to slice into the man's leg and take his arm clean off, wounding and crippling him in a single strike, and it happens so quick that Sasuke doesn't notice the enemy's remaining arm summoning a weapon that looks suspiciously like a hook. In a second every bit of reflex training kicks in, and he forgoes shielding himself to instead summon the black flames from his sharingan eye to envelop the enemy.

But the hook in the man's hand is buried in his stomach before he can even blink, and Sasuke feels a sharp dig into his ribcage. Pain rocks through him and the world explodes in white for a moment.

The feeling of having one's chakra ripped out wasn't pleasant in the least. Especially with as much chakra as Sasuke had. It was a sharp, burning pain and a sickeningly shocking yanking feeling from the center of his core, and then he saw the sun, the sand and the world go black.

Maybe he falls, maybe he doesn't, but he can't tell. All he can hear is his own blood in his ears and all he can see is the encroaching darkness around him.

It wasn't all bad. Maybe he'd die. That'd be...something, wouldn't it?

But he..._ smells _ something - _ someone _ \- familiar. It's earthy, like the desert he's been surrounded by for weeks, but there's a _sweetness_ to it that the desert itself didn't usually carry. Rose...? The scent fills his senses, and then Sasuke is slumped and unconscious. 

He hears nothing.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke is in and out of consciousness for days. 

He thinks maybe he hears a voice, but he can't completely be sure. It's talking to him, or...around him? A few actually, but the only one he recognizes in his borderline comatose state is quiet, even, and familiar. And yet he still can't quite put his finger on it. 

Sasuke can't exactly place it, but he feels like he knows who it is, even distantly.

But for some reason that voice sends him drifting, and he can't tell which way is up or down, but the lack of direction is _peaceful,_ for some reason. Quiet. 

There's that familiar scent that wraps around him and relaxes him, settling him into a comfortable unconsciousness. The world softens and fades away, and he's left floating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what ya think! This one's a bit shorter but it's the best place to leave off for now. I'm editing the next chapter so it shouldn't be a long wait at all!
> 
> Gaara is the type to quietly show that he cares, and honestly I don't think he necessarily thinks all that much about it. He's just kinda quietly and effortlessly kind like that


	7. Chapter 7

When he wakes all he smells is something...floral. It's sweet, but not overwhelming, though it's still the first thing he senses upon waking. 

The injured Uchiha can definitely smell him. The Kazekage's scent dulled some pained ache in his body that he couldn't identify, being as out of it as he was. He inhales deep and the scent floods his senses, and he sinks deeper into that haze, pulled by the soothing scent. Sasuke's nerves even out and he feels a sense of relief washing over him, the tension leaking from his body. 

He finally opens his eyes to a pale pink ceiling with terrariums hanging from it. The sunlight coming through the windows glints off of the glass, casting light beams along the walls and lighting up the room.

He's on a bed. Sasuke can feel the blankets under him, and he tries to claw his way back to the surface of the murky water of awareness to find out where he is and what to do next, but he knows where he is almost as soon as he opens his eyes.

He's never seen Gaara's bedroom, but he somehow knows that's exactly where he is. The scent is so thoroughly and obviously the Kazekage's, and the room had the same pale pink walls and potted plants as the Kazekage's kitchen and living room. 

He realizes he's taken to taking deep breaths since he woke up here, and was gulping down Gaara's scent like he needed it.

He's exhausted enough to believe that. It was normal to fixate on a particularly soothing scent when injured and lying in a bed that was all but drowned in it. He knew little about omegas, but their scent was designed to soothe, he at least remembers hearing that. That's why they were generally stereotyped as caregivers.

Sasuke was... exhausted and unwilling to dwell on why he had the urge to inhale as much of that calming scent he possibly could. He's too tired to have an emotional crisis about Gaara _ again. _

He's still out of it when the door opens and the Kazekage steps through, holding Shinki. Green eyes meet Sasuke's bleary-eyed gaze and he puts the child down before addressing him. 

"You're awake."

Sasuke wants to say _ something _, but he can barely move much less speak.

"Forgive me. I know you don't seem fond of doctors, but I had to have someone come look at you. Your chakra was almost completely drained. I brought you here since I didn't think you'd like the hospital, and thankfully your condition didn't deteriorate…"

Gaara looks at him, but all Sasuke can do is inhale that calming scent and try to think through the haze and understand what's being said to him.

He squints at Gaara, brain foggy and trying to focus on the man's face to respond.

"Ah. It's probably best not to overload you with information…" Gaara says, placing a glass of water on the night table next to the bed.

That's when another pair of green eyes make their appearance once again, this time at the end of the bed. Shinki isn't tall enough to peer over the edge completely, but he certainly tries.

The boy blinks at him curiously before his little voice asks, "What happened to you?"

Sasuke takes another slow breath and tries to answer. The strength leaves him as quickly as he musters it. He gives the boy an apologetic look.

"Sasuke is tired, I'm sure. We should let him rest a bit more, Shinki."

"But I want to talk to him." Shinki says, sounding disappointed. He tugs at his father's coat, frowning. Gaara bends to pick him up, holding him close.

"I know, but maybe he'll be up for talking when he's feeling better."

The boy seems to accept that answer, but he looks at Sasuke with disappointed eyes, pouting slightly. Shinki rests his cheek on his father's chest, eyes on Sasuke. 

Gaara adjusts his son in his arms and turns to him.

"Rest. You're still recovering your chakra. I'll bring you dinner when it's finished."

Sasuke takes a breath, and nods slowly. He's still weak, but he can at least do that, and he watches Gaara adjust his son on his hip and make his way to the door. He tries to speak, to say anything before Gaara walks away, but he's just trying to get his breath back.

Sasuke has just enough strength to give the boy a small wave as Gaara carries him out the room.

Sasuke falls back asleep almost immediately.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke doesn't know how much time passes, but by the time Gaara steps through the door with a steaming bowl of something that smells delicious, Sasuke has woken up and regained some mobility. If only partially. He can sit up, and his hand no longer feels numb and disconnected from his body, which he counts as an accomplishment. His legs are another story, though. He won't be walking until at least tomorrow. He's too tired to feel strange about being in Gaara's bed, and Gaara acts as if nothing is different at all, like Sasuke was always in his home. 

Gaara sets the food on the nightstand, and Shinki wanders in, sipping from a cup. He looks up at Sasuke before pushing the cup onto the nightstand and peers up at Sasuke again, curiously.

"How're you feeling?" Gaara asks.

Sasuke takes a breath, trying to pinpoint how much chakra he's recovered. He concentrates for a moment, and then grimaces.

Not enough. Not _ nearly _ enough.

Sasuke briefly considers saying he's fine, but he's far too tired to lie at this point, and he is in Gaara's home. He may as well be truthful. If anyone knows his condition it's the man who's been taking care of him for the past...how many days has he been unconscious?

"Everything feels...numb." he says, "How long was I...?"

Gaara places a bottle of painkillers on the nightstand as well, "Four days. I'm surprised you're awake."

Gaara opens his mouth to say something else, but he's quickly interrupted by the sound of an ANBU ninja knocking twice and stepping through the door. The ninja is tall, and towers over the Kazekage, but he bows low in respect before he straightens.

"I apologise for the abrupt interruption. Lord Kazekage, there's an urgent matter." The ANBU says. 

He starts to say something more, but then catches sight of Shinki, who looks up at them with wide eyes. In an obvious effort not to alarm the Kazekage's small son, the ninja straightens his back and opens the door for Gaara. 

"I will inform you on the way, sir."

"Of course." He nods, then pauses and looks at Shinki, "Ah -"

And for the first time Sasuke sees Gaara _ hesitate. _ Green eyes land on Shinki, and it takes only a second for Sasuke to understand why Gaara was frozen in place.

"I can watch him." Sasuke offers.

He doesn't really think about it, and honestly he doesn't really have to. The boy is quiet and doesn't seem like the kind of child that particularly liked being rowdy. He was the calmest child Sasuke's sure he's ever seen. Sarada was pretty well behaved from what he remembered, but even she was a bit more bouncy than Shinki.

So no bother, really.

It was the least he could offer, for the shelter, food and medical care. Gaara didn't have to help him. He could have just shipped him back to Konoha, but he didn't. Sasuke doesn't know why, and he doesn't know why he feels...something about that, but it's true.

Gaara blinks at him, "Are you sure? I -"

"Yeah, it's fine."

Gaara hesitates for only a moment more before he nods.

"Thank you, Sasuke. I'll be back soon." Then he bends to kiss Shinki's forehead, "And you. No running off, okay?"

Shinki nods.

Then the Kazekage takes his leave. The little boy fidgets for a moment, before he pulls himself up onto the bed beside Sasuke. He plays with his teddy bear for a moment, and Sasuke eats the food left for him, keeping an eye on Shinki.

The child plays with his bear quietly for a moment, before he pauses and thinks.

After a moment of silence Shinki looks at Sasuke, "What happened to you?"

"Got into a fight."

"Why?"

"Somebody was in your desert who shouldn't be."

"A bad person?" 

"Yeah."

"Oh." Then the little boy hugs his bear closer, eyeing Sasuke critically, "Did you get him?"

For some reason that makes Sasuke smile, just a little bit.

"Yeah, I got him."

"With your eye?" He asks, looking at Sasuke's rinnegan eye with interest.

"Yeah."

"Oh." Shinki considers that, "You're very strong, right?"

Sasuke doesn't know how to answer that. He's taken on gods and won, though he had help.

"I've...trained for a long time."

"Father says I can't be a ninja." Shinki says, "Are you a ninja?"

"I am."

"Is it hard?"

"Very hard."

"Oh."

Shinki takes a moment to think, "Father is a ninja, right?"

"He is."

"I wonder why I can't be one." Shinki says, tugging at his bear's bowtie, "We have the same powers."

"He doesn't want you to get hurt. Being a ninja is very dangerous. It's not very fun, either."

"Then why do you do it?" He asks.

"That's a good question." Sasuke says, looking up at the ceiling, "I don't really have an answer for that."

"Okay." Shinki shrugs, blinking up at Sasuke.

"Why do you want to be a ninja?" Sasuke asks. 

He's actually kind of intrigued by this child. He was blunt and thoughtful. Strange for a child, until he remembers who's raising him. 

"Because Father is." He says simply, like that's all the reason he needs.

Sasuke bites down a small smile. He nods. Of course.

"Your father wants to keep you safe."

Shinki thinks for a moment, "I know."

Sasuke nods, "Good."

They're quiet for a while after that, but eventually Shinki pipes up again.

"Why is your eye purple?"

Sasuke considers the question and tries to think of the easiest way to explain his rinnegan to a small child. Sasuke's head was still a bit foggy, but he is able to order his thoughts after a moment.

"My clan had special eye techniques. This," he says, pointing to where his hair parts and reveals his eye, "Is one of the final stages."

"Eye...tech..technics.." Shinki tries to repeat, stumbling over his words, "Techn...iques?"

Sasuke nods.

"Oh." The boy says, "Is it hard?"

"To use?"

Shinki nods.

"Not if you practice."

"Like my sand."

"Yeah. You just need training."

Shinki blinks at him, "Do adults train a lot?"

"Some do."

"Oh."

It goes on like that for a while, just Shinki asking questions and Sasuke trying to answer to the best of his ability, and eventually Gaara arrives again and Sasuke has finished the bowl of food, taken the painkillers and is feeling a lot more grounded.

The Kazekage hasn't been gone long, but by the time he comes back Shinki is half asleep holding his teddy bear and Sasuke is feeling the sleep tugging at him as well. 

"Apologies, that took longer than I thought. Thank you for watching him." Is the first thing Gaara says upon stepping through the door again. His eyes land on Shinki - who is almost completely asleep - and he immediately moves to pick up the child.

"It's fine." Sasuke says, blinking sleep from his eyes, "You don't have to thank me."

Being thanked for something so small felt strange, especially after everything.

Gaara gives him a searching look, and Sasuke thinks he almost imagines it because he blinks and Gaara's expression is even and blank once again.

"All the same, I appreciate it." He says, shifting Shinki to one side and picking up Sasuke's empty bowl in the other, "Rest. I'm close if you need anything else."

Sasuke nods, feeling more exhausted. He clearly had more recovering to do if simply being awake was this tiring. He feels the alluring pulls of unconsciousness weighing him down, and by the time Gaara and Shinki leave Sasuke is half asleep.

* * *

* * *

* * *

He wakes during the night and realizes he probably should have asked Gaara where the bathroom was. It feels wrong to go wandering around, but thankfully his legs have chosen to cooperate - albeit _ very _ slowly and clumsily.

But he can walk, and that's what he focuses on.

He stumbles a bit, but he finds his way out of the room and down the short, dark hallway. 

The house is dim, the only lights the small lanterns that were obviously lit not too long ago. They line the walls, giving off a flickering and gentle light.

Sasuke finds himself in the living room once again, but he doesn't find anyone awake. 

The room is quiet and dark - the single lantern on the kotatsu table almost flickered out. Gaara is curled up under the kotatsu with Shinki, holding a storybook. They're both asleep, Shinki cuddled into his father's chest and Gaara holding him close. The book is still open to where they left off before they both nodded off.

Sasuke pauses in the doorway, unsure what to do. He's thinking about whether he should wake them both up or not, or whether it would be intrusive - or whether he should do anything at all - but it turns out he doesn't have to wonder. Kankuro walks through the door a second later.

He catches sight of Sasuke before his eyes fall on his little brother and his nephew, asleep.

"You're up." The puppeteer says, looking impressed.

"Yeah. I was just looking for…" Sasuke starts, before his eyes land on Gaara and Shinki once more. "Are they...okay?" Sasuke asks haltingly. 

He has no idea how to speak to Gaara's brother, but the man doesn't look shocked to see him, so it occurs to him that he knew Sasuke was here. Or he just doesn't care.

"We should leave 'em, actually." Kankuro says as he runs his hand through his hair. 

"Hn."

"Yeah, ah. He doesn't get a whole lot of sleep." He says, eyes on his brother, "He's usually working, or watching Shinki. And I don't think Shinki would like being woken up to be put in his own bed. So."

Sasuke nods.

"Did you need somethin'?" Kankuro asks.

Sasuke feels grogginess and exhaustion hit him all over again. He's been standing for too long, and his legs are starting to protest.

He tugs a hand through his messy, black hair. "I was looking for the bathroom." He mumbles.

"Through that hallway and to the right." Kankuro says, blowing out the lantern and taking the book from his brother's loose grip, "Then go crash. You look like you're fuckin' dying or something."

Sasuke gives him a bland look at that, and the puppeteer just raises his eyebrows in a look that clearly says 'but am I wrong?'.

Sasuke guesses he isn't.

He leaves Gaara and Shinki to Kankuro, and by the time he makes it back to the bed he's staying upright by pure willpower alone.

He's out like a light in less than a minute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo! Nice long chapter. Merry Christmas. 
> 
> Gaara would definitely not want Shinki to be a ninja tbh. He'd want him as far from that life as possible. He'd want the exact opposite of his own life for his son
> 
> Tell me whatcha think!


	8. Chapter 8

Sasuke wakes the next morning in what he can only call indescribable pain.

Phantom limb pain struck Sasuke more often than he'd like to admit. His arm often burned rather painfully - and for hours or days at a time - like he was feeling Naruto's rasengan burning away his flesh all over again.

He used to wonder whether Naruto felt the same sensation, but now he doesn't even think about it. He just grits his teeth and tries to sit up, squinting at the sunlight streaming through the windows.

Sasuke's arm aches worse than it has in years, and truthfully he's never really known what to do about it. He was trained to manage pain - Orochimaru made sure of that - but he can only let what remains of his arm burn and _ burn _ until he's gritting his teeth and silently begging for it to pass quickly.

After all these years the pain still completely blindsided him and nearly brought him to his knees. 

_ Not pleasant. _ It shook Sasuke in a quietly drastic and devastating way every time it happened. In other words, he _ hated _ it. It robbed him of sleep all too often, and _ sleep _ was the only reprieve Sasuke got from _ life, _ so he wasn't too thrilled when the pain flared.

Sasuke shivers awake in a cold sweat, pain coursing through him that lights his arm aflame, and he grits his teeth and forces himself to push it back, to _ ignore _ it…

The sudden knock at the door does little to distract him, but once it opens and Gaara steps through...his arm only aches until he takes a breath, and it takes Sasuke a long, confused moment to realize that Gaara's scent chases away the agonizing burning, achy feeling in his arm. Or what's left of it. The fact that the room suddenly smells of the Kazekage again helps the ache subside into a dull throb, and Sasuke finds himself taking a few deep breaths before he can even speak, relief coursing through him. He can _ breathe _ again, and no longer feels like he's been robbed of air.

Sasuke inhales, trying to soothe himself and be rid of the ache in his missing limb. Gaara's scent ebbs and flows as usual, and so does the relief from the pain in Sasuke's arm, but at this point he'll take anything. He grits his teeth as the burning returns in bursts, but its still preferable to how it usually was. Which was a steady, scorching pain that he was sure he deserved. 

Gaara's brows furrow in concern as he looks at the Uchiha, "How're you doing?"

Sasuke tries to say something, but pain takes his breath once more and he grits his teeth again as the pain swells again.

Shinki clutches at his father's coat, following him and looking at Sasuke curiously. Gaara sets his food on the night table, giving Sasuke a considering look.

"You're unwell." Gaara observes, "Your scent has changed. What's wrong?"

Sasuke shakes his head, gritting his teeth. It's his problem. No one else's. He's inconvenienced Gaara enough, he thinks.

"It's nothing."

Gaara frowns at him - looking somewhat troubled - and watches him for a moment before the sweet smell of the room intensifies, and Sasuke's senses are overwhelmed once more.

Suddenly, the pain completely drains from him again. It's a relief, leaving only the aftershocks. 

He looks to his side, tired eyes on the man setting a cup of water - next to the bowl he's prepared for him - on the nightstand next to the bed. It strikes him - once he can _ think _ without agony clouding his mind again - that Gaara has started to pump out stronger, more soothing pheromones in response to Sasuke's discomfort.

He knew - in a factual sense, maybe he read it somewhere - that omegas could put out different scents for when they felt safe, felt threatened or upset…

Or meant to soothe. 

The scent goes softer, but it fills the space of the room quicker and a bit more thoroughly, to the point where Sasuke can smell little else. It immediately saps the pain and tension from his muscles and bones, even the torn ones of his severed arm that ached so _ viciously _ just a moment before.

It's like _ morphine _ and he sags against the mattress in relief, almost sinking into the pillows and blankets. He takes a deep breath. 

It's like a natural high slugging through his veins, and he feels the pain curl away completely once more. He's too tired and pained to feel strange about the fact that his body reacts to Gaara's or what that means. No one else's scent has never affected him like this, but Sasuke isn't up for analyzing that right now. He'd have little idea what to think of it anyway.

But Gaara pauses in confusion. He looks surprised, like he initially didn't notice his scent filling the room as it did all of a sudden. His sand swirls about, just as unsettled as the Kazekage suddenly was. Shinki clings to his father's leg, clearly soothed by his scent as well and as unwilling as ever to be separated from his parent.

Sasuke watches Gaara silently panic for a moment. The confusion is so genuine on his face, and Sasuke has never seen Gaara so baffled before. Did he not mean to do it? Was it just a natural biological response? Does Gaara not even know what his scent is doing?

The Kazekage touches his neck gingerly, right on his scent gland, looking confused. 

"I...is that me? I'm not quite sure what is going on." He says. He lightly touches his neck again, frowning.

"Why's that _ happening _?" Gaara mumbles, clearly to himself. He mumbles something about suppressants, looking troubled.

Sasuke feels his face start to flush, but he isn't quite sure why. His sense of smell was usually dampened, but all he can smell is Gaara and he starts to feel just a little bit...dizzy, and his head fills with a pleasant fog that he doesn't know how to get out of. 

Sasuke usually only smelled things that were so potent he couldn't ignore it. He knew it was odd for an alpha to not pick up every scent, but after the massacre Sasuke couldn't smell things like he did before. It all smelled like blood. Or metal. Lightning during a storm. Or fire. 

After the war the stench of all the death on the battlefield was all he could remember for a very, very long time.

But here, in Suna…he could pick up every little aspect of Gaara's scent. The rose. The lavender. Grass and sand. He could even scent Shinki on him. It was so...odd. 

Sasuke wasn't used to being so... receptive. It was almost too much.

Gaara's scent makes him dizzy, and his head feels a bit...light.

He mentally scolds himself for having such a _ ridiculous _ reaction. He must still have a concussion, and his chakra _is_ regenerating a bit sluggishly today. That must be it. He'd barely recovered half of his reserves, after all.

"I'm sorry, I... I can't seem to do much to stop it…" the Kazekage says, looking regretful.

Sasuke feels his face get uncomfortably warm. Then he feels like an idiot. Like a kid.

"Hn. It's helping. So."

Sasuke wasn't used to caring what he said. Especially not these days, when he cared about so little. He'd always just said what he thought no matter how anyone else felt about it, but for some reason with the Kazekage he finds himself a bit…hesitant? More thoughtful? Sasuke has no idea, he just knows it annoys him greatly. Why the hell couldn't he _ function? _

He's been wracking his brain for weeks trying to figure this out, and all it's gotten him are more questions and frustration. 

Gaara blinks at him, silent for a moment, "Oh. I'm glad. That's...good."

He realizes he hasn't seen so much _ expression _ from Gaara before. 

He was usually pretty blank, but then again...if you looked closely and paid attention, you could clearly see his personality and little quirks coming through. Like how his eyes crinkled when he was amused, or the small, barely there smile he gave sometimes. He tilted his head in a way that distinctly reminded Sasuke of the red pandas that he often came across in the forests during his travels.

But it's not like Sasuke's thought about this a _ lot _ or anything.

Sasuke feels a flash of frustration. What the hell _ were _ these thoughts?! How the hell did he make them _ stop? _ What was wrong with him? He usually ignored everything, but he found himself noticing things about the _ Kazekage _ of all people. 

Irritating.

"You look uncomfortable. I'll leave." Gaara says suddenly, turning to go. Shinki whines and reaches for him, and he picks up the child and hugs him close while he snuggles into his father's arms, the comforting scent seemingly lulling him to sleep.

Sasuke feels a distinct sense of loss as Gaara turns to excuse himself.

Sasuke frowns, "This is your room. If anything I should leave."

"You're the injured one." Gaara argues. Sasuke doesn't know what to say to that.

They stare at each other for a long moment, in silence. They stay like that for longer than either would admit, just picking apart the emotions in each other's eyes, unsure what to do.

"Fine." Sasuke concedes, moment breaking slightly, "But you still don't have to leave."

Was that odd to say? Sasuke didn't know what he was fucking _ doing. _

This feels like dangerous new territory, like he's wandering around a dimension he's never visited before. 

He guessed this was one reason why he had no friends other than Naruto. Usually he didn't care, but he found himself wishing he was better at _ communicating _ when he spoke to Gaara. He wasn't sure why though. Sasuke feels like he's missing something important and right in front of his face, but he's too blind to see it.

And that was endlessly frustrating. 

"Okay." Gaara says. He pauses for a moment before he asks, "Are you still in pain?"

Sasuke nods. It was a dull throb again, and if Gaara left he's sure the scent he'd leave in the room would be enough to soothe him for a few hours at _ least, _ but...

"Then I...will just keep doing what I'm doing, then." The Kazekage says. Shinki huffs in his sleep, fidgeting slightly in Gaara's arms, oblivious to the adults.

Sasuke feels himself inwardly sigh in relief.

"You left the books."

"I did." Gaara says, "Did you like any?"

"A few, yeah."

"Whenever you're well enough feel free to find the mansion's library. There are more selections there."

"A library…"

"I take it it's been a while since you've visited one."

Sasuke takes another deep breath, relaxing further. 

"The last was in the Hidden Waterfall." He says, "Though that was a bookshop, not a library."

"Was there nothing there that interested you?"

"No, not particularly."

Gaara adjusts Shinki, "That's too bad. Hopefully the library has better options for you."

They talk a little more about the books until Sasuke feels the pull of sleep tugging at him and then Sasuke has finished his food and Shinki wakes and sleepily asks him more innocently prying questions (while Gaara looks on, smiling lightly) before they all retire to bed and the apartment goes dark.

The thought hits him in the middle of the night. If he's in Gaara's bed, where is _ Gaara _ sleeping?

On the fifth night he finds out, because in his tired stumbling he accidentally nudges open Shinki's room door instead of the bathroom. Gaara is curled up with his son, the both of them slumbering softly. Shinki clutches at his father's sleep shirt, stirring briefly before settling. He's never seen Gaara without his coat, and he's a bit surprised at how small he really is. Gaara usually exuded such a quietly powerful energy that made him look... bigger. At least, that's what Sasuke thought. But here...

Sasuke closes the door, unwilling to disturb them further.

He remembers the few times he got to tuck Sarada in, and he feels distinctly lonely for the rest of the night.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke is in Gaara's home for two weeks while his chakra replenishes itself.

He reads. 

Books appear at his bedside. He knows it's Gaara because the volumes smell like him, but he picks through them and gathers a few he's interested in. Gaara leaves him piles of selections to choose from while the Kazekage is working during the day. The apartment is quiet without Gaara and his son, but Sasuke mostly just sleeps and reads, so it's fine. His chakra regeneration starts to pick up at around the seventh day, gathering momentum and replenishing quicker with every passing day after that, and he avoids thinking about having to go back to Konoha and report to Naruto after this.

Sasuke recovers, thinks himself in frustrated circles about the Sand's Kazekage and reads.

* * *

* * *

* * *

When he's well enough to leave, he finds Gaara handing him a bento and his pack filled with slim novels and scrolls for him to read on his journey back to the Leaf for his debriefings. He'd gotten several letters from Naruto over the past two weeks, and he knew he could only stall for so long. He couldn't avoid it forever, no matter how much he never wanted to see that place again.

Sasuke looks back at Suna and feels a strange sense of loss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay now it's time for the plot to pick up lol. This is still slow burn, but now more things between them will be happening! Yay development!
> 
> Also this isn't betad so any mistakes I'll fix later. I'm just so sick of looking at this chapter it took way too long. My eyes hurt from staring at my laptop ughhh
> 
> Anyway lmk whatcha think!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Just a warning. Orochimaru appears in this chapter, and he's just as gross as we all expect him to be. So beware of some references to rape/non-con of a child. Nothing graphic, but its still upsetting. Poor Sasuke. **

Naruto looks up when he enters, blue eyes widening in obvious surprise.

"You're back! You okay? I got a letter from Gaara and he said you got hurt."

Sasuke tosses him the scroll. He's scribbled his report on it as he made his way back to Konoha. It was one way to get his mind off of the fact that he was headed somewhere he hated for the millionth time. 

"I'm fine."

"You sure? He was _ really _ mad, yanno?" Naruto frowns, opening the scroll and skimming the contents, "He totally yelled at me for sending you out there…"

"Did he."

Sasuke feels...he doesn't know. Why would Gaara care about his wellbeing? What could Sasuke offer him, especially since Gaara asked for nothing in return? All Sasuke did was take the man's bed from him for two weeks and eat his food. 

But...he wasn't too surprised that Gaara ripped into Naruto for this. He remembers the dark look that crossed the Kazekage's face when he learned that Naruto ordered him to scout out the desert. Even Sasuke could see the man's concern and confusion as to why Naruto would have him out there.

And well...Gaara was selfless. What else could he call it? He gave up his bed for Sasuke and made sure to...take care of him. Gave him the books that were in his pack right now, even.

But _ why? _ Sasuke couldn't figure that part out.

"He hasn't been that angry at me in a long time. Since I showed up on the battlefield during the war." He says, looking troubled, "You okay?"

"I already said I'm fine."

Naruto sighs, "Okay, okay. Just...makin' sure, I guess."

Sasuke hovers by the door as Naruto skims his report once more. The silence is deafening and Sasuke wants nothing more than to _ not _ be here right now, but he holds steady and tries not to look at Naruto, sitting behind that desk and looking so _ unrecognizable. _

Once upon a time they knew how to speak to each other, but now...

Maybe Sasuke should be saddened at how they ended up. How _ everything _ ended up. How they both are tools of the corrupt system that left them so broken as children, and now as adults.

Sasuke can't feel anything anymore. Maybe it's better that way.

Naruto sets the scroll aside, "We took the prisoner off Suna's hands. It's not really smart for them to keep a dangerous alpha under lockdown, no matter how badly you crippled him. So he's in Konoha's prison instead. Here's the report on him if you wanna see it."

Sasuke takes the file and flips it open, only mildly interested. The photograph of the Ototsuki is a bit blurry, but he can see the state of the man isn't much better than the last time Sasuke saw him before he passed out in the desert. He's slightly bloodier, though. And he's...missing an eye. 

Sasuke's brows furrow in confusion. He doesn't remember blinding him...

"Who took his eye out?" Sasuke asks, putting the file back on Naruto's desk.

The Hokage frowns, "Gaara, actually. Crazy bastard tried to bite him."

Something in Sasuke stirs at that. Something angry and _ dark. _

"--went crazy when Gaara, Kankuro and the Sand's ANBU showed up and tried to restrain him. He was really weakened, thanks to you, but he made one last ditch effort to attack Gaara." Naruto says, "Honestly, _ I _ have a reason to yell at Gaara too. He _ let _ him get close on purpose and stabbed him in the eye."

"On purpose." Sasuke mutters, frowning. Sasuke entertains the thought of talking to Gaara about that too. 

"Yeah. He's too reckless sometimes. He's just better at hiding it, yanno?" Naruto sighs, looking annoyed, "That's why I didn't want him fighting whoever was out there. If he was forcibly bonded..."

Sasuke feels something like rage churn in his gut.

_ "Crazy bastard tried to bite him." _

_ "I've always wanted a human omega." The man had said, "I hear they break so easily." _

"Well, whatever. The guy didn't get the chance. Good thing Gaara's fast, but still..." Naruto mutters.

Naruto looks at him curiously for a moment, pausing. 

"You smell like him, by the way." He says, brows furrowing, "Your scent's all mingled with his. It's weird."

Sasuke shrugs, unwilling to talk about it. It wasn't anyone's business but his own.

And maybe...Suna was a place he wanted to keep for himself. Why did Naruto need to know every little thing in his life, anyway? Sasuke didn't know everything about his. As soon as Naruto got married he'd been shut out, regulated to the background while the man played happy and domestic husband and complacent leader of a child-soldier factory that he called a village.

The silence is awkward and long and Naruto clearly feels uncomfortable, but Sasuke doesn't feel inclined to say anything. What did it matter? It seemed like Naruto hardly listened to him most of the time anyway. 

"Uh, okay. Well...Orochimaru has a scroll for me. Do you mind?" Naruto asks after a moment, "It's an easy enough mission since you're still recovering."

Sasuke's body locks up at the mention of the Sannin. The bottom of his stomach drops and he suddenly feels nauseous. 

He takes the scroll and says nothing. If he opens his mouth he'll vomit, he's sure.

"I know you don't like him but you know," Naruto sighs, shrugging, "He has information that could help the village, and the elders insisted, so…"

The elders.

Sasuke turns and leaves without another word. He doesn't know what makes him feel more sickened - the prospect of having to see the man or Naruto's excuses and complacency.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke never told anyone what Orochimaru did to him. It was a disgusting, sick and dark secret he kept to himself. His own secret shame. What would anyone even say? That it was his fault for going to him in the first place? Sasuke already knew that.

And really, he'd rather die than tell anyone how the Sannin had routinely pinned him down and invaded him as he whispered in his ear about his "training". _ Sasuke _ didn't even want to remember. If he could tear the memories from his brain he would in a heartbeat, but he was still suffering flashbacks to this day.

Flashbacks like the one he's having now, having left Naruto's office and made a beeline for the forest outside the village.

Fucking sharingan remembered everything. The first time the man had wrestled him to the ground and stripped him he was sure his sharingan would evolve, and he's honestly still surprised it hadn't.

He grits his teeth and clenched his fist, trying to breathe. His lungs protest from lack of air, and he can only gasp for a few precious breaths before he stumbles against a tree and has to close his eyes and try to focus.

He forces the nausea to the back of his mind and feels himself disconnect in that way he longed for in the moment, and he straightens, curses his own weakness and keeps moving.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Orochimaru's lair was as dark and ominous as anyone would expect. The winding corridors were easy to get lost in, but Sasuke spent years here once upon a time, so he finds his way around with a practiced ease that makes him a bit angry now. He still remembered this horrible place _ so well. _

Sasuke fucking _ hated _ it here.

He finds Suigetsu not too far into the lair, cleaning his sword and so absorbed in his weapon that Sasuke has to clear his throat to get the man's attention. 

He looks up from his sword at last and smirks in the dim light.

"Oh. Sasuke. You're still alive." Suigetsu snarks, "Been a while."

"It has."

Seigetsu looks at him for a moment, curious.

"What."

"You smell different."

"I don't know what you mean." Sasuke says, eyes narrowing. Suigetsu rolls his eyes.

"Where is he."

"Down the hall." Suigetsu says, used to Sasuke's blunt nature. They were on a team and travelled together for a few months. Taka was short lived, but they knew each other's habits, even still.

Sasuke turns and leaves him without a word, wanting to get this over with. He hasn't seen the man since after the war, and he never wanted to see him again, but Sasuke very rarely got what he wanted. Once upon a time Naruto did everything he could to keep Sasuke from Orochimaru. And now he was _ sending _ him to the Sannin. 

Time changes things, he's learned. Not always for the better.

The room is dark when he steps inside, only a few candles flickering, giving the place a very dim glow. The figure in the corner meditating is undoubtedly Orochimaru, but Sasuke doesn't spare him a glance. His skin crawls just being in the same room with the man.

"Ah. Sasuke." 

The voice is slimy and smooth. Sasuke barely tampers down the urge to flinch. 

"I'm here for a scroll. Do you have it." He says, refusing to take his eyes off the door. His skin itched as soon as he stepped foot in this place, and he wanted to leave as soon as possible. He had no intention of making small talk with his former "sensei".

_ No. Not sensei. Teachers didn't do what he did to Sasuke. Tormentor, more like. _

It was a very small mercy that he wasn't in the room where it happened. 

The figure stands and his footsteps echo in the emptiness of the space, getting closer to the tense man standing in the middle of the room. 

A hand reaches toward him and Sasuke dodges it like it's a burning metal rod trying to brand him. His heart leaps into his throat and his instincts kick in all at once in a desperate flurry of thoughts and panic, though he makes an effort to keep his expression even. 

_ Hands wandering down his body as he shook and screamed. Wet, cold, relentlessly cruel fingers twisting inside of him until it was replaced with something hot and large, far too big for his small body. His cheek pressed against the cold floor. **This wasn't his body. It didn't belong to him. **He **screamed** and it hurt it hurt it hurt it **hurt**… _

Sasuke draws his sword and levels it at the man's throat, "_ Don't touch me." _

"Still so _ hostile, _ Sasuke?" The snake grins, and Sasuke feels a bit sicker at the lecherous expression thrown his way. Like all those years ago, when he made a pastime of ruining Sasuke's body with his own.

"Do you have the scroll or _ not?" _ He snaps, his fraying nerves breaking. The man was too close and Sasuke couldn't breathe - old memories bubbling to the surface. Memories he'd tried to hard to push to the back of his mind on the way here. He hated _ Naruto _ for sending him here. He hated _ himself _ for not being able to refuse his closest friend, even though everything about their relationship was _broken-_

He hated it _ here, _ and he hates the fact that he's started to tremble even more. He grips his sword tighter, trying not to give himself away.

Sasuke could decapitate the monster right here, but...he'd only be hunted by Konoha for it. They'd use _ any _ reason to make him an enemy of the state again. Especially the elders that Naruto now worked so closely with. The village kept Orochimaru in its back pocket, and Sasuke could hardly believe that he'd been pardoned for his crimes simply because he was _ useful. _ He's considered it so many times, just coming back here and finishing the job, but he'd be branded a traitor all over again, and... _ Sarada _ still lived in the village. His _ child. _

He couldn't do anything to jeopardize his daughter. She was an innocent child who had the misfortune of being _ his _ child. Sasuke couldn't make things hard for her, and it was already lucky that the fact that he was hardly around meant that she wasn't likely to be discriminated against in the village despite having the Uchiha name.

(But a small voice - thick with self-hatred and loathing - suggests that Sasuke is the same as his old mentor. A monster that Konoha kept in the basement that they let loose to do their bidding when he was useful. When he had something to give them in return for his freedom…)

"So _ mean. _ " The man pouts mockingly, "And after all the _ fun _ we've had…"

Sasuke's stomach turns and he stomps down the urge to gag as the Sannin chuckles. His stomach goes hot in rage and he can't hold his tongue.

"I was _ twelve, _ you disgusting bastard."

Sasuke wants to kill him. He wants to tear into him so badly, make him feel a modicum of the agony Sasuke felt as he held him down and destroyed his mind further.

"And yet _ you _ delivered yourself to _ me." _Orochimaru shrugs, smile never wavering, "You walked in here of your own volition, did you not?"

Sasuke's rage is snuffed out like a candle. It's replaced with nausea that's so much stronger than before.

He's right. He's _right,_ isn't he? Sasuke did it to _himself._ He clenches his jaw and swallows, heart pounding. His own fault.

His _own_ fault.

"Do you have the scroll or not."

The parcel is tossed to him and he only catches it because he's so on guard around this monster of a man that his reflexes have been set alight and cranked up to a million. 

He turns to leave and tries not to feel like he's fleeing. 

Sasuke can feel Orochimaru's eyes on his back.

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke makes it a few few miles away before he doubles over and throws up onto the grass. He shivers and gasps, though the air is warm and the sun is shining.

The birds chirp happily, and he can't help but feel like even _ they're _ mocking him.

* * *

* * *

* * *

He spends the next day with his stomach turning and he finds himself unable to eat for days after that. The only thing that brings any sort of relief are the books the Kazekage gave him, the omega's scent still on the pages.

Sasuke wonders what that means.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lemme know what you think! Also happy birthday to my actual son Gaara ily boo!!!  
Also still not betad so any mistakes will be fixed later on. I'm exhausted.  
Sasuke is so traumatized and fucked up sweetie I'm so sorry


	10. Chapter 10

Sasuke spirals for days. Flashbacks assault him at every turn, and in the end he chooses to just send the scroll to Naruto via his hawk. He couldn't handle being in Konoha on top of everything else right now. 

Garuda is a dutiful bird, arriving within minutes of being summoned, and he feels only a bit better after petting the bird for a moment before letting it soar back into the sky, the encrypted scroll tied to her leg.

Sasuke attempts to eat that day, but he feels sick whenever he takes a bite of the onigiri he's packed, so he wraps it back up and tries to breathe through the sudden nausea before he decides what he wants to do and where he wants to go next. At least until he's given another mission.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke finds himself in Suna a day later. 

Something about the sand soothes him now, and he found himself making his way there with very little thought on his part. It's just where his body takes him.

The ANBU bow to him at the gates, like they were expecting him. Sasuke isn't sure what to do with that, and he simply makes his way to the Kazekage mansion, too tired to act like he's here for any other reason. Besides, he _ did _ have the man's books to return.

Right. The books. That's why he's here, in the Kazekage mansion, walking through the door to Gaara's office once more. 

The place has become familiar to him, and the scent of the omega isn't a surprise any longer. If anything, he was able to trace the man by his scent now, and it led him here. As usual.

Gaara's at his desk, a scene he's seen so many times before. The familiarity is a welcome relief from the discomfort he's been living in for the past few days. He feels as if his skin is too tight - like it fits wrong, like it's _ suffocating _ \- and he knows it's stress, but the familiar potted plants lining the windowsills and the pale clay buildings if the village help ground him, in an odd way.

Eyes settle on the familiar face of the Kazekage and Sasuke feels that desperate need to run and rip his skin from his bones edging away, bit by bit.

He's so _ tired, _ and Gaara smells so _ nice _ -

"Sasuke." He smiles, "I was wondering when you'd come back. How are you?"

For some reason, Sasuke thought that...maybe...Gaara could see that Sasuke didn't want to leave. The Uchiha knew he looked wild and troubled, and that desperate melancholy that was usually was so _ buried _ in his eyes was so _ plain _ and _ raw _ now. It was on the surface. Sasuke begins to tremble, just a bit as his headache grows worse for a moment. 

"I…" 

He has no idea what to say. Sasuke can't _ think, _ suddenly. The relief of being someplace he didn't hate and the exhaustion of the last few days war with each other in his mind, and he isn't sure what to do with Gaara's concern.

Why did Gaara care anyway? Why was he so _ warm _ toward Sasuke? What could he offer him? He couldn't even offer _ Sakura _ anything, and she obsessed over him for _ years. _

He wonders if he needs help. He wonders if feeling like this is _ normal. _ If zoning out for days on end simply because he didn't care about anything was something _ everyone _ did. He wonders if _ everyone _ had the flashbacks and the feeling that it all amounted to _ nothing _ in the end. 

But Sasuke is _ Sasuke _ and Sasuke doesn't ask for _ help, _ so when Gaara gives him a quiet once over and his eyes go warm and worried, he has no idea what to make of it or how to say that he just needed a quiet place to not feel like he's drowning for a while.

"Are you alright?" Gaara asks, standing. His scent goes strong and sweet again, the same display as when Sasuke's arm ached when he was recovering in Gaara's bed. Something raw, lonely, tired and _ longing _ inside Sasuke reaches for Gaara and that scent that makes him feel so... _ settled. _

That painful tangle in his chest loosens just a bit, and Sasuke has no idea what look is in his eyes, but it's clearly pained enough to make the Kazekage's body react to his own once again.

"I…" Sasuke trails off again, at a loss for words. He's too _ tired _ to explain how drawn and worn he feels, his shoulders just sag and he barely represses a sigh. The last few days have been so exhausting and he hasn't been eating well either, which just makes him even more fatigued and weary. He still feels slightly sick.

"Yeah." Sasuke says, unable to think of anything else to say. His migraine worsens as the seconds tick by.

"Convincing." Gaara deadpans - not unkindly, just disbelieving. 

Sasuke is quiet for a beat, before he speaks again.

"Had to collect a scroll from Orochimaru." Sasuke says dully, "I don't like him. Obviously. That's all. Just a little tired."

He isn't sure why he tells him. Sasuke's nature was to keep things to himself. But he finds himself too tired to lie to Gaara. 

He must be more worn out than he thought.

Gaara's face twists in confusion for a fraction of a second before he frowns, "Orochimaru - hasn't he been imprisoned?"

Now it's Sasuke's turn to be confused. That is, until he remembers that while their Kage are friends, that doesn't mean all intel between Suna and Konoha were _ shared. _ It couldn't be. They were two completely different countries with two different councils, laws, interests and rules of confidentiality. The villages didn't share _ all _ their policies and relations. That's not how it worked, age of peace or not.

Sasuke doesn't know what to say.

"Sasuke…" Gaara's face goes serious and dark, "Are you saying that Orochimaru is still roaming about free somewhere."

It's not a question.

Sasuke grits his teeth and again has no clue what to say. 

It turns out he doesn't have to say anything. His silence says it all. Gaara's expression darkens further and the Kazekage looks furious for a split second before his face goes carefully blank again.

"And Naruto knows of this, I assume." Gaara says, though it's still not a question - because he knows the answer already, "And he sent you there."

Sasuke is silent and he finds himself unable to look at the silently furious omega. He stares at the stack of books by Gaara's desk.

"An asset to Konoha, I suppose."

Gaara frowns and take another good look at Sasuke's face, green eyes calculating and observing Sasuke's obvious discomfort before he nods. 

"Excuse me." 

Gaara leaves the room and Sasuke is left standing there and wondering if he just did something very, very wrong.

When he returns a few long moments later Sasuke is staring at the wall, completely disassociated and zoned out, and he only barely notices Gaara saying something to him a soft voice that can't quite cut through the haze of his weariness. He doesn't catch it, but he can't refocus, and all he feels is Gaara taking his arm and leading him down a few hallways. The route is familiar as well.

That's all he remembers of that day, and he wakes the next morning in Gaara's bed once more.

* * *

* * *

* * *

He wakes in time for the steam from the plate of breakfast Gaara's left by his bedside to still be rising, and he shakes off the lethargy and confusion and realizes that at some point yesterday Gaara's given up his bed for Sasuke _ again. _

The Kazekage is nowhere to be found, but Sasuke knows he's already in his office. He's learned enough of Gaara's routine from the time he was recovering here to understand that the Kazekage woke early and confined himself to his office to work for a few hours before he collected Shinki from Kankuro later in the day.

Sasuke wakes to the sun soaking the desert in yellow and the sunlight streaming in through the windows. He takes a deep breath and feels more settled than he has in days. Gaara's scent has a lot to do with it, he knows that now.

He slowly sits up, eyes roaming familiar walls and plants. The succulent on the windowsill has sprouted a small, red flower since he was here last.

Sasuke takes a second to steady himself, and he feels his chakra realign before he starts to eat and fully wake up. He guesses he needed sleep more than he thought. 

That was the best he's slept in days.

He finishes the steaming food left for him, and then he finally stands, feeling settled. Sasuke grabs his cloak and sword, - left by the door for him - and he makes his way out of the room.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Gaara is in his office behind his desk again, dealing with what looks like double the paperwork from yesterday.

He looks up from the document he's absorbed in when Sasuke enters, pausing his work and observing the Uchiha.

"You're awake. Are you feeling better?"

Gaara doesn't look at him with any judgement or pity, only curiosity. 

And that helps in a way Sasuke can't articulate. He nods.

"Thank you. I...guess I was more tired than I thought." He says, feeling something that may be shame anyway, whether Gaara judged him or not. 

Embarrassment? 

Either way, he doesn't like the fact that the Kazekage saw him like that. So...disconnected from everything. Hell, he barely remembers anything after telling Gaara about Orochimaru. 

Sasuke needs to get ahold of himself. 

"Travelling is draining, I'm sure." Gaara says, and Sasuke is thankful he makes no mention of the obvious breakdown he had the day before.

He nods, taking in the papers Gaara holds in his hands. Being Kazekage didn't look any less stressful, in his opinion.

Then he remembers something else.

"I have your books." He says, taking them from his pack and handing them back, "Thank you."

"Of course." The Kazekage says, "Feel free to take more, if you want."

If he does, he has an excuse to come back. Well, that _ and _ he _ did _ enjoy the books rather thoroughly. 

But he also supposed that Gaara would accept him back even _ without _ the excuse of returning his literature and scrolls.

He nods, "Any recommendations?"

Gaara gives him a small smile, "I might have some. I'll see what I can find."

He suddenly remembers his last conversation with Naruto as the omega walks over to the bookshelf and scans the spines of the books and scrolls.

"Naruto told me that he almost bit you." Sasuke says, "The Otsotsuki."

Gaara's face takes on a slightly stunned expression, and he looks surprised that it's been brought up until he goes carefully blank again and turns back to the shelves.

"Yes, he...attempted to." He says, "Though he obviously didn't succeed. I used the opportunity to wound him further."

So Naruto was right. Gaara did let the crazy alpha get close on purpose.

"You shouldn't be so reckless." Sasuke says, "He could've bonded you."

Gaara sighs, "I've already been lectured by Kankuro. Then Temari."

"Still." Sasuke tells him, "You should be more careful. There was no guarantee that would work. What if he wasn't fazed or he couldn't feel pain? What if he pushed through even after you stabbed him and he still bit you?"

Gaara frowns, "Hm. I guess I wasn't thinking of that. I'm...aware I'm by no means the strongest, but I think I can handle one wounded, crazed maniac."

Sasuke doesn't particularly like how blasé Gaara was about this, but he holds his tongue and simply frowns at the unbothered redhead.

If he was bonded by the Otsotsuki, he'd be tethered to him for life, and he would definitely end up forced to bear the man's children and wear his mark. And yet Gaara didn't seem particularly fazed at all.

Gaara gives him a slightly amused look, "Fine. I'll be more careful. Is that what you'd like to hear?"

"Hn. Better than nothing, I guess." Sasuke says, catching sight of the volumes in Gaara's hands, "I'm guessing you have a new book for me?" Sasuke says knowingly, hand extended towards the Kazekage.

Gaara considered him for a moment, their eyes meeting briefly. The redhead hands him a few small books, not much thicker than the last ones Sasuke finished.

"I think you'll enjoy these."

"And what are they?"

"One is Philosophy. The other is fantasy. The scroll is a collection of poetry."

"Hn. Well, it should be better than the last one."

Gaara just blinks at him, a hint of a smile on his lips and his hands clasped behind his back, "Do you not like haikus, Sasuke?"

"They're not my favorite, at least not what I've read so far." 

Gaara gives him a pointed look, "I'll be sure to work on finding more poetry you're sure to like, then."

"Hn. Don't let me down." Sasuke says.

The small smile feels foreign on his face, but it's definitely there.

* * *

* * *

* * *

When he leaves he feels a bit more steady, and less like his skin is constantly crawling.

Sasuke wishes he had a word for this feeling, but he doesn't. Not yet, at least.

* * *

* * *

* * *

When he returns two weeks later to return it, he's greeted by an empty office and an assistant who seems to be gathering some of the papers on the Kazekage's desk. She looks up when he enters, and Sasuke pauses and blinks at her. 

"Where's Gaara?" He asks, eyes scanning the office. The Kazekage is nowhere to be found, but his scent is strong and lingering. He obviously hasn't been gone long.

"Lord Kazekage is in his heat chambers." She says, "Unfortunately he'll be unable to speak with anyone for a few days. Can I help you with something?"

Sasuke doesn't know why he feels like he's been smacked in the head. Omegas had heats every two months, usually for a week at a time. Of course Gaara would be the same.

But still, something in Sasuke darkens at that. Was someone in the room with him? Was someone helping him through his heat right now? If so, who were they? Were they the same person who had Shinki with him?

And why does Sasuke want to ram his sword through their _ throat? _

"If you need to speak with him you can leave a message and come back in a week." She offers helpfully.

Sasuke nods and leaves without a word, mood soured. It occurs to him that he could leave the books on his desk, or with the assistant, but he would rather hand them back himself, in person. 

He gets no letter from Naruto, which only means he doesn't have a mission, so he spends his time travelling and trying not to think about Gaara in heat and most likely with someone Sasuke's never met. 

He stops at a tea shop on the border of the Land of Rice Paddies and tries not to snap at the waitress who gets a bit too close to him. Her smile is wide and she sidled up to his side, voice going annoyingly sweet and cloying. 

Irritating.

She tries to make small talk with him, and Sasuke's one word answers and non-committal grunts only seem to spur her on further. He leaves once she starts giggling and fluttering her eyelashes at him, abandoning the idea of having his tea quietly, like he planned.

Another thought strikes him. If Gaara was spending his heats with someone, why didn't they bond him? Shouldn't Gaara have a mating mark? 

With no idea where the thought comes from, he can't stop thinking about it. 

Unless Shinki was adopted…

The child had the same powers as Gaara, though. What were the odds that Gaara didn't have him himself?

Sasuke spends the rest of the day weighing the points in his head, unsure what to think. Thinking about Gaara in heat becomes what his brain fixates on, and he partially blames his instincts for that.

Even still, the thoughts don't leave him, and he finds himself not even noticing time going by. It's been a week before he knows it, and he receives a letter from Gaara saying that he's available to see Sasuke now, if he wanted to come by again. 

Sasuke feels an odd sense of satisfaction at Gaara reaching out to him first, and he begins to make his way to the Sand once more.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Gaara smells different. Not too much, just a bit stronger and warmer, but he doesn't scent anyone else on the omega. Which confuses Sasuke further. Did he spend his heat alone? 

He would ask, but despite not being too social even _ Sasuke _ knows that would be inappropriate. Personal, even. Sasuke made a point to spend his ruts alone, was Gaara the same?

Gaara is at his desk writing up a document when he enters, totally immersed in his work though he looks up when he senses Sasuke lingering by the doorway. 

"Oh, Sasuke. Hello." 

The Uchiha nods at him, taking in how tired the omega looks. Heats were exhausting, so he's heard. The Kazekage still looks flushed and somewhat dazed, green eyes slightly unfocused and dark circles a bit more prominent.

"I'm sorry I was... indisposed when you came by last." He says.

"You look tired."

"The last few days have been...somewhat exhausting." he says, glancing back at the documents on his desk, "But I'll be fine."

"I've heard."

Sasuke stares for a moment, taking in how Gaara's hair is still a bit ruffled. It's not much, but he notices.

Then he snaps out of it, remembering why he's here.

"I have your books." Sasuke says, opening his pack and taking out the volumes, handing them over. Gaara reaches for them and Sasuke tries to ignore how warm Gaara's fingers are against his own for a split second.

"How did you like them?"

"The poetry wasn't my favorite, but I liked the short stories." Sasuke tells him, "The fantasy ones are a bit far-fetched, but not bad."

Gaara gives him a small smile, "Everything you've seen and done and fantasies are _ still _ far-fetched?"

Sasuke scoffs, "Everything I've seen and lived through has been _ equally _ as ridiculous."

He hears Gaara laugh for the first time. It's not loud, nor boisterous, but a small chuckle. Sasuke feels strangely blindsided all over again.

"That's fair." The Kazekage tells him, "If you'd like to see the library, I can show you. I'm aware you didn't get to see it the last time you were here."

"Thank you." 

Gaara rises and Sasuke is immediately overwhelmed by the warmth of his scent as he brushes past Sasuke and towards the door. He shakes himself out of it quickly enough to follow without faltering.

The corridors of the mansion wind in seemingly confusing circles, but Sasuke is able to easily memorize the way, following Gaara closely. The assistants they come across bow to the Kazekage as he passes and Gaara waves at them to stand and be at ease, greeting them politely before continuing down the hallway. 

One man freezes as Gaara crosses him before bowing, his back stiff. He's muscled and his shoulders are scarred, a clear sign of a shinobi. His hair is messy and tied back in a small bun, and he clearly scents Gaara as soon as he comes close, nostrils flaring.

Sasuke knows he's an alpha as soon as he sees him.

"Lord Gaara." He says, sounding strained.

"Hello, Shira." Gaara says, "Are you well?"

The man straightens and his eyes quickly roam Gaara's body for a second too long, his fists clenching as he nods.

"Yes. I'm well. And you?"

"Fine, thank you." 

Gaara doesn't notice how the man stares at him, that dark look in his eyes as his pupils dilate. The man - Shira - inhales deeply, obviously savoring the scent of the Kazekage as he passes.

Sasuke sort of wants to punch him. The other alpha swallows thickly, and Gaara's too preoccupied with finding his way down the hall to notice that the man has turned to follow them, obviously inhaling his Kazekage's scent that smells like warmth and post-heat.

"Lord Gaara, I meant to ask you about the plans for the dojo in the square…"

"Ah, yes. I'm sure Kankuro could help you with any inquiries you have." Gaara says, turning to look at him, "Since he's heading up the project. I have little to do with it, I'm afraid."

Sasuke bristles, annoyed. 

This Shira guy was too _ close - _ hovering around the Kazekage like a wet blanket. His scent immediately puts Sasuke off.

The scent of an all too interested alpha. Sasuke's gotten so used to Gaara's scent that this guy's was a rude surprise to his senses, and Sasuke immediately hated it. It felt wrong. 

"Yes sir, but I was hoping that - "

Sasuke doesn't even hear the rest of his sentence, gritting his teeth and trying to resist strangling whoever this alpha was. He nudges closer to Gaara and in front of Sasuke, and that only makes Sasuke want to throttle him all the more. 

"I understand. We can have a council meeting about it later."

"Ah, well... the council is busy, I'm certain. We can talk it over ourselves - just the two of us, I'm sure? Over some sake, perhaps? There's a very nice curry restaurant nearby and I'm sure I-"

Yeah, Sasuke _ doesn't _ like this guy. He misses the rest of the conversation because all he hears is his blood rushing in his ears. Gaara says something and the man bows and leaves, clearly hesitating like he wants to think of something else to keep Gaara's attention on him. Eventually he stops hovering and Sasuke is finally glaring at the man's retreating back. 

Finally.

Gaara sighs, clearly troubled.

"Who is that." Sasuke grits out, trying not to sound as pissed off as he feels.

"Takahami Shira." Gaara says, then he looks a bit regretful, "He's...not the best at...keeping our relationship professional, but he's a...dedicated associate."

_ 'Yeah, I bet', _ Sasuke thinks bitterly.

He guesses he should have expected this, seeing as Gaara smells as...agreeable as he does currently, but he doesn't like the fact that he didn't seem to get the hint that Gaara wasn't particularly interested.

Unless...was he?

Sasuke didn't like that thought either. Maybe Gaara's scent was making him a little crazy. 

But…No, Gaara looked more exasperated than anything.

"He should know not to approach you so casually." Sasuke says, trying not to sound completely peeved.

Gaara leads him through another arched doorway, into a small but grand library.

"Kankuro says so as well. I don't wish to be rude, so I simply try to avoid the topic altogether..." Gaara says, "And here is the library. Feel free to pick anything you like."

Sasuke - still silently fuming from the brush with the other alpha - observes the titles lined against the shelves, along with the scrolls placed on the tables alongside them. He looks through the books, but he can't fully focus on them, or how quietly peaceful the library is. 

He didn't like the look of that alpha. He was too _ pushy, _ too... Sasuke doesn't know. 

He makes a mental note to keep an eye on him, whoever he is.

Gaara's called away for a meeting, but he promises to return to the library as soon as he can, and Sasuke nods and watches Gaara leave, his eyes on the Kazekage's retreating form.

He wasn't shocked that the alpha was interested in the redhead, he just... didn't like the look of him. How his eyes looked Gaara up and down like he was a piece of meat, or something similar. Sasuke was wary and suspicious of the dark look in his eyes as he looked at the omega.

Shira, huh?

Hn.

He doesn't notice how much time passes, but he has a small stack of books on one of the many tables by the time he hears someone approach and clear their throat.

He turns to see Kankuro leaning against the doorway, arms folded. His face is painted again, and Sasuke realizes he hasn't seen the man with his makeup on in a while.

He's about to ask where Gaara is, but the man speaks before he gets the chance.

"So how pissed is Naruto?" The puppeteer asks, eyebrows raised.

Sasuke frowns, "What?"

"About Orochimaru?" He says, looking at Sasuke like he's an idiot, "How mad is he?"

"About…?"

"The Sand arresting him?" Kankuro says, "I mean, I figured he'd be furious."

Arrest? What?

"Speak plainly." Sasuke says, still annoyed by the alpha from earlier and not in the mood for the puppeteer's guessing games, "What are you talking about?"

"Did Gaara not tell you?"

"He's been in a meeting for the past hour or so." Sasuke says, irritation rising, "What are you talking about?"

Kankuro looks at him like he's especially dull, and Sasuke is about to snap at him again until the man finally says something. 

"Gaara gave the order and had him arrested in his cave in the Hidden Sound this morning." Kankuro shrugs, "On the grounds of murder and several violations of human rights. Guess word hasn't gotten around yet."

Then the man shrugs casually and leaves Sasuke standing in the middle of the Kazekage mansion's library, frozen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew. This chapter is long and idk how I feel about it but here I'm so ready for this story to pick up especially next chapter. Again no beta so any mistakes will be corrected soon.  
Hooray for Sasuke kind of being able to figure out his feelings a bit more and gaara showing more expression (though he tries to hide it). They're slowly getting better at talking to each other. Yay development!  
Tell me what you think!


	11. Chapter 11

Sasuke is still standing where Kankuro left him when Gaara returns about ten minutes later - holding a stack of papers and flipping through them, distracted.

The Uchiha's eyes land on the Kazekage, and he feels his throat tighten for a moment, unsure what to say.

Did Gaara really-? Why? 

"You didn't tell me."

Gaara looks at him, obvious confusion buried in his eyes.

"About Orochimaru."

Gaara is quiet for a second - frowning and placing the papers on the nearest end table.

"You had a disassociative break just mentioning him. I didn't want to trigger you, or upset you further." Gaara says, "I was going to inform you, but you looked...quite tired, honestly. I assume someone told you before I could."

Sasuke feels all apprehension leave him in that moment, like a rush of air from a balloon. Orochimaru is in prison. The man who pinned him down and ruined his brain further is locked away and...Sasuke will probably never have to see him again. One less thing hanging over his head. Sasuke stands there, unable to process it.

He isn't sure what to say to that.

"If you're worried about Naruto, the official reports have been...slightly altered. On paper I found out about Orochimaru's whereabouts from intel I've received from a few of my ninja I sent to the sound to hone their water jutsu." Gaara says, "You're nowhere on the reports, and as far as Konoha is concerned, you're not the source of information. I simply...happened across him."

Sasuke is really at a loss for words now.

"But - why would you...do that?" He asks, confused and frustrated by his own inability to understand the man in front of him.

Gaara was so incredibly _ frustrating. _ A puzzle he couldn't completely figure out. 

"Do what?"

"Lie, for my sake." Sasuke says, "This could impact the peace treaty between Suna and Konoha. Why would you do that?"

"Letting a monster roam free is something I can't abide." Gaara says, frowning, "And you shouldn't be blamed for inadvertently turning in a criminal who should have been behind bars to begin with."

"But...Naruto will be angry with you." Sasuke says.

Of what he knew of the redhead when they were teenagers, he greatly cherished his friendship with Naruto. The fact that he would risk that was...

Not that Naruto would break a bond with someone over this, and especially not Gaara (the blond was just as attached to the Kazekage, and this wouldn't change that, surely. No matter how angry he became with him) but...it would cause a fight, wouldn't it? And strain between nations. It could impact everything from trade to Kage summits.

Sasuke of course was no stranger to fighting with Naruto, but Gaara…

Have they ever fought about anything? Especially _ after _ the war?

Naruto always spoke of Gaara with such a fondness that he couldn't believe they ever had a serious disagreement after everything. _ Sasuke _ was the friend Naruto fought with, Gaara was the friend he always had such an almost sickeningly sweet and _ agreeable _ relationship with. That is, after they almost killed each other during childhood.

But once they got past that...

"The fact that he and his council were hiding a kidnapper and child abuser means I have the right to be upset with him. Not vice versa." Gaara says, suddenly sounding angry, "He's _ lucky _ I don't-"

Gaara cuts himself off abruptly, tensing in anger. 

They're quiet for a moment. Sasuke more so from surprise and Gaara simply brooding for a moment, glaring at his shoes. Rage simmers under the omega's skin, and his sand swirls around his shoulders, agitated.

"I understand him less and _ less." _ Gaara says - almost to himself - and his tone goes from bitter to saddened in an instant, "Why would he…"

The room goes quiet.

"It's...easier, I think." Sasuke says. He understands the man's disappointment. 

And...in a way, he _ understood _ Naruto's predicament. It was easier to just keep doing things the same way than to risk having the village despise him again, he supposed. After a childhood of being scorned and ostracized it wasn't difficult to believe that someone would do all they could to keep the love and reverence they fought so hard for. Naruto bled and cried for _ years _ to get where he was. The blond _ suffered. _

He had still expected Naruto to be above that, though. 

And the fact that he wasn't…

Gaara was clearly only just _ now _ learning of Naruto's shortcomings, and the omega was clearly becoming disillusioned and saddened with his friend and his choices.

Sasuke finds it sad, really. He understands.

"That's no excuse." Gaara says, frustrated, "My council _ hates _ me. They do all they can to make my life hell. But I still do what I _ have _ to. Things should be _ better _ now! Things like this _ shouldn't _ be happening anymore! Schools shouldn't be teaching children how to be _ soldiers _ and nations shouldn't be _ hiding monsters. _ I thought all the Kage were in agreement, but...but maybe-"

Sasuke wonders briefly if this was Gaara having an anxious breakdown of his own. He looks more distressed than Sasuke has seen him in a very long time. Since his chidori pierced Gaara's shoulder during the chunin exams, years ago. It's hard to believe this is the same boy, really. But again, they've all changed.

The omega's scent is dull and muted, wavering as he speaks.

And then Gaara's words catch up to him.

"Does Suna not train genin anymore?" He asks.

Gaara looks startled by the change of topic, but he tilts his head and looks at Sasuke imploringly.

"We do, but people can only train to be genin after the age of 22." He says, "It's illegal to train children as soldiers here. Anyone who does so will be brought up on incredibly harsh abuse charges. It's the first thing I did once I could pull it off without the council's support, though it was the farthest things from easy."

"I…"

_ What? _

Suna wasn't training children? This village...their Kage...wasn't using innocent kids to fight their battles anymore?

The library goes deathly quiet.

Even Sasuke isn't sure what reaction he's having, but it's...his brain blanks for a moment and _ something _ slams through him.

It's a thought he's had so many times before but...

He had no idea someone would actually _ do _ it. That such a stark difference would be made _ at all. _ Even _ Naruto _ was hesitant to abolish the laws that made them...how they are today, hence why Konoha's ninja academy still stood and children were still required to attend. But…but _ here... _

This also meant that _Sasuke wasn't crazy._ _Someone else agreed with him_ and implemented the change he wanted to see. He just had no idea because he's never paid any attention to Suna before that fateful day when he needed supplies and was greeted by Gaara.

So..._ so... _

_ Sasuke wasn't fucking crazy. _ Or rather, if he _ was, _ then _ Gaara _ was crazy too. Apparently his council thought so, as they apparently fought the Kazekage tooth and nail on this decision.

Then another thought strikes him. How hard was it for the Kazekage to pull this off? How has he pulled off dismantling such an integral system of a shinobi village? 

That was a huge _ change _ to the tradition of the ninja world. They'd been training shinobi from birth almost since the beginning of...well, _ everything. _ And Gaara was hated prior to becoming Kazekage - as far as Sasuke knew - and the redhead alluded to still having to deal with hatred and opposition even after taking on the role of the leader of the village.

So how the hell did a former jinchuuriki and terror to his village manage to break an age-old tradition and change the very fabric of (what used to be) an assassin village? How did he manage to stop the cycle?

What the hell?

"Sasuke? Are you alright?"

The Uchiha realizes - a bit too late - that he's _ staring. _ The Kazekage is staring back at him, obviously concerned that Sasuke was having another breakdown. 

_ Is _ he? He might be. All his thoughts hit him at once and he can't _ think _ all of a sudden.

"Do you need to lie down again? You look pale." Gaara asks, "You can if you need to-"

"I... I'm…" Sasuke blinks, completely at a loss. 

Gaara's face takes on an even _ more _ worried expression, as Sasuke tries to function.

"I'm fine." He manages after a moment.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I…I'm just surprised."

An understatement, actually.

Green eyes go dark for a moment, and Gaara looks tired and hesitant all at once.

"Are _ you _ going to tell me that I'm ruining my village as well? Upsetting the 'balance of the ninja world'?" Gaara frowns, "There's no need, I assure you. I've...heard that a lot. That the delay in producing more shinobi at a young age would lead to the Sand becoming weak, but you _ have _ to _ understand _ , we can't move forward if we keep _ traumatizing _ our children in such a way. And I can't live with myself knowing that I didn't do everything I could as a leader to put and end to such a terrible practice-"

Gaara rambles, eyes wide and trying to get Sasuke to understand as the Uchiha stands there and stares at him, confused by his reaction for a short moment.

Oh. Gaara thought Sasuke would-

_ No. _

"I don't think that at all." Sasuke says quickly, urgently and trying to get the other man to understand, "I _ don't _ think that. I _ am _ surprised, but you're right. I...hate the fact that so few things have _ actually _ changed - even after the war - for most villages. I'm just... I didn't think anyone agreed with me about...this. I've tried to tell the Kage, and Naruto, but no one would listen to me. So I just... didn't expect..."

It was true. He was foolish to think anyone would take anything he said to heart - _ him, _ the traitorous Uchiha - but years ago he'd tried to tell them all that this needed to change, or else the Uchiha massacre could happen again, and that children like himself and Naruto could happen all over again if this toxic tradition didn't _ change. _ The villages being peaceful towards one another was a step in the right direction, and uniting people was the right thing to do, but that was only _ one part of the problem. _

No one listened, of course. Sasuke was an idiot for thinking they would, but he'd still been filled with such _ hope _ back then. He still believed that maybe they'd all be willing to challenge the harmful practices that were the cornerstones of their still-flawed world, especially after everything they'd all witnessed during the war. Bring about real change. 

Gaara hadn't been there, but the rest of the Kage were seated around the meeting area they'd designated for the summit that year, and Sasuke had proposed the idea that maybe they don't train the children of their villages to kill anymore. But all they'd done was make excuses and attempt to shut him up. Sasuke wasn't an idiot. The only reason they even listened to him as long as they had that day was because Naruto was there, and it was respect for the Hokage that they even let him finish speaking at all.

Then they had all simply waved him off.

_ 'Genin will be given easier missions.' _ the Mizukage had shrugged, 'Minimal danger.'

_ 'That's not a solution. Children shouldn't be working for the state at all.' _ Sasuke had insisted, remembering Itachi. He was a child as well, far too young to be traumatized in such a way and forced to do what he did. That disregard for mental health and life had been one of the many reasons his clan had been ended the way it had. Why the world was how it was. Why Neji Hyuga died. Why so _ many _ people died, shinobi and civilians alike. It was all connected, and it was a domino effect that they needed to stop. And it needed to stop with _ this. _

No one else agreed, apparently.

The conversation ended soon after that, and Sasuke stormed from the room, unable to listen to their excuses any longer.

Things had gone down a very hopeless road after that. A few months later he'd been forced to sign a marriage certificate and was required by Konoha to have a child with Haruno. Konoha's elders were worried he'd defect and turn against the village again, and his ideas were apparently too radical. They'd tethered him to the village via marriage, convinced that he'd think twice about attacking someplace his wife and child lived. 

He was trapped before he knew it. Sasuke was too powerful to just allow to have such ideas about how the world should be. He was talking about revolution again, and that had spooked them.

They needed him on a leash. 

That's how he ended up in a marriage he never wanted with a child he hardly saw. Even if he didn't particularly care for Sakura, he would care for his daughter - as she was his only other blood relative in the world, his only tether - and they _ knew _ that. They _ knew _ Sasuke was still wounded from losing his family (the family _ they _ took from him in the first place), so they basically held his child hostage. As a bargaining chip. Insurance he wouldn't turn against them again.

Sarada was the only bright spot in his whole mess of a life, and he unfortunately didn't see her often. He was grateful for his daughter. She was his only family, and he loved her with everything he had in his very tired soul.

The point was, he tried to tell them that things needed to change, but he was snubbed and called crazy. Too radical. Punished for his too-progressive thinking.

But he _ wasn't _ crazy, was he? 

So many times he wondered if the problem was _ him. _ Was this how the world was _ supposed _ to be, and Sasuke just couldn't accept it? Was he too hung up on the pain of his past that he couldn't see that this was how the world should be? 

But no. No.

He wasn't crazy. _ He _ was right. _ Gaara _ was right.

_ They were right _.

"So you don't think I'm insane." Gaara says, sounding cautious, like Sasuke could be joking, or possibly mocking him. The Kazekage looks wary, with a healthy dose of disbelief. 

He looks the Kazekage right in the eyes, black meeting shocked green.

"Gaara. You're the most sane person I've spoken to in a very long time." Sasuke says. And he means every word.

They stare at each other for a long moment, clearly in awe of each other.

"No one's ever said that to _ me _ before." Gaara says, non-existent brows raised.

"First time for everything." Sasuke says, and he actually feels a smile pulling at his lips. 

It's genuine. And _ foreign. _

It feels weird, having something to smile about. Sasuke almost forgot how it felt.

* * *

* * *

* * *

They spend the rest of the day exchanging thoughts on foreign policy, guidelines for change among the villages and improvements for the world as a whole.

They're both very quiet men, often keeping to themselves and poor at socializing - but that night they can't seem to stop talking. They converse and learn they have very similar visions and ideas for peace, and once they start sharing those dreams with each other neither of them can seem to shut up.

Sasuke is surprised when the sun comes up and they're still seated by Gaara's library window - the teapot long since gone cold and their cups drained. They'd spoken all night, hardly noticing the time passing at all.

Sasuke leaves Suna exhausted, but more hopeful than he's been in a very long time.

* * *

* * *

* * *

They start exchanging letters, and continue their conversations that way. 

Soon they're talking about any and everything, from politics to how their days are going, and before he knows it they are sending several pages of letters back and forth every other day. 

Sasuke starts giving Garuda treats more often, as a thank you for suffering through carrying multiple pages back and forth every day. He suspects Gaara is doing the same. His hawk _ has _ been getting a bit fat lately.

But he figures she deserves to be spoiled a bit. He's never asked so much of her before. He never had _ so much _ to _ say. _

Before he knows it Gaara is the one he's talking to the most, and he reads the Kazekage's notes about his day, how the meetings were especially infuriating, or amusing things Shinki has done or his ideas for improved immigration policies. Sasuke sends Gaara letters about his travels, the people he meets, the missions he's sent on, and his own ideas on what the world needs and how to improve it. They trade thoughts on laws and how shinobi life should be from now on, and they talk about interesting things they've seen and done for the day. And with these conversations comes a _ familiarity _ that Sasuke clings to. Someone who thinks the same as him, but differently enough that they can challenge each other's ideas and create _ better _ ideas from that.

Neither of them are initially very social when left to themselves, but they find they have a lot to say to _ each other. _ More so than anyone else.

By the end of that summer, Sasuke knows he can definitely call Gaara his close friend. He has no doubt that the man thinks the same of him. It's nice to be _ sure _ of something, and to have another bond. One that isn't so complicated. One that doesn't hurt. Something built on shared ideals and understandings.

Naruto sends him missions, but he wakes up every morning and looks forward to Garuda delivering Gaara's next letter. It's _ nice, _ having someone to write to. To talk with. 

Missions keep Sasuke busy, and he isn't sure if Naruto even knows about Orochimaru's arrest yet, but he's not even thinking about it at this point. Be doesn't really care, truthfully. His newfound bond with Gaara keeps him occupied, and he finds himself thinking of troubling things less and less when his hawk drops off his letters every morning. He isn't able to visit for a while (he's kept busy with missions and such) but the letters make it feels like they've barely missed a step.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke makes his way back to Suna the first chance he gets. Once two days pass with no word of another mission from Naruto, he changes course and heads toward the desert. 

Once he feels the bright, hot sun he breathes a sigh of relief.

When he makes it to the village gates it's dark, and he's loathe to bother Gaara at this hour. Shinki was asleep he was sure, and Gaara was most likely stepping in for the night. He had some of the Kazekage's books to return though, and he finds himself drawn to the mansion anyway. It's just where his mind takes him.

The streets are devoid of the usual crowds - save for the occasional person making their way home - and the dimly lit lanterns that line the streets are bright enough that he can find his way easily. Even if they weren't he could still find the omega without much effort. He knew Gaara's scent very well, and could follow it easily. He catches sight of the ANBU guarding the mansion, and he decides he doesn't really want to have to speak to the guards right now. He'd have to explain why he was there so late and he wasn't really up for that at the moment, as he didn't really have an answer that didn't sound completely ridiculous. He has no doubt they'd let him in, but... 

He looks up at the Kazekage building, locating Gaara's window. If anything, Gaara was probably awake anyway. He slept very rarely - the man had told him that himself via letter not too long ago. 

He scales the structure easily and slides in quietly, somewhat surprised to find it dark. He knew Gaara didn't sleep much, but there he was. 

In his bed, curled on his side, eyes closed.

Asleep.

Best to be quiet, then.

He makes his way to the Kazekage's bedside, reaching into his pack for the book. He pauses, unable to stop himself from staring at him for just a moment, his hand hesitating on his pack as he grabs the volumes.

The room is dark, save for the dim lamp on Gaara's nightstand that casts shadows along the omega's face.

Gaara stirs and opens his eyes a crack, frowning slightly. His hair is a mess, like when he was a teenager. When Gaara had permanent bedhead and didn't seem to care in the least.

Sasuke puts the book on the night table, barely concealing his smirk, "Just returning your book."

"Oh. Hello. Welcome back." Gaara mumbles, closing his eyes again, "Okay. You know where the guest room is - down the hall across from Shinki's room, if you need it. Just be quiet? I just got Shinki to sleep."

And then he yawns, curls up and goes right back to sleep.

Sasuke snorts at the Kazekage's quick acceptance of the fact that Sasuke crept in through his _ window _ in the dead of night. Then he considers the offer before he turns out Gaara's dim lamp before noiselessly heading out of the room and towards the Kazekage's guest room.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke wakes to the sun once again, and to Garuda tapping her beak against the window. Sasuke blinks the sleep from his eyes and clumsily sits up - tricky to do while half asleep and missing an arm - before locating the source of the steady tapping noise. She's clearly peeved at having been kept waiting, and he opens the window and scratches her head in apology. 

She titters at him moodily, but accepts his gesture, perching on his shoulder and tapping her beak against his cheek, demanding more attention.

And then he hears a sound from the kitchen and knows he isn't the only one awake, clearly. Gaara always rose early, he knew that.

Sasuke considers putting his shirt back on, but decides against it. It was already too hot for such a thing. Sasuke got used to the desert's weather pretty quickly, but he still marvelled at how hot it got so promptly after the sun rose.

He makes his way into Gaara's kitchen, shirtless and toting a grumpy bird on his arm.

The redhead is at the stove, making something Sasuke can't see, but he can smell. It's good. The tea kettle is whistling as well, and Gaara leans over to switch it off, running a pale hand through fire red hair.

The hawk flies from Sasuke's arm to Gaara's shoulder, chirping for treats. The Kazekage reaches up to pet her with a practiced motion that makes Sasuke's chest tighten. The Kazekage opens a small container and gives her a few bird seeds, smiling lightly as the bird chirps happily, pecking from his hand.

"So you're the reason she's getting fat." Sasuke says.

Gaara turns to him and gives him a bland look, "And I bet you're the other reason. You spoil her more than I do, I'm sure."

"Hm. Maybe."

"I figured." Gaara says, then he gives him a small smile. "Slept well?"

Sasuke nods, accepting the cup of green tea Gaara hands him, "Yeah. You?"

"Yes. I partially thought you were a dream last night, I won't lie." Gaara says, "The window, I assume?"

"Yeah. Did I startle you?"

"No, it would startle me if you _ didn't _ come back, actually." Gaara says. 

They stare at each other for a moment, eyes searching the other's face. Then - like they both notice what's happened at once - they look away, faces growing hot. Sasuke preoccupies himself with his tea to hide his own expression, and Gaara turns back to the stove quickly, like he's trying to hide _ his _ face from the man who sits at the table.

"I wanted to ask your opinion on something, actually." Gaara continues, clearing his throat and changing the subject.

Sasuke raises an eyebrow, "Hm?"

"Well, since we were talking about mental health services that could be implemented in the villages, I was wondering what your thoughts would be on a hospital soley for-"

He trails off when Shinki wanders in and attaches himself to Gaara's leg in that moment, yawning loudly. He rubs his eyes and blinks sleepily before then his gaze lands on Sasuke, who sits at the table and tries to think down the slight flush his face has taken on. 

What the hell was this reaction about? They just looked at each other. Sasuke frowns into his tea, frustrated.

The little boy wanders over to him and yawns again.

"You're back." He says, tugging on Sasuke's pant leg. Sasuke looks down at the little boy in surprise.

"Hn, yeah. I am."

The child yawns once more, eyes barely open, "Hello Sasuke." 

"Hello, Shinki." Sasuke says. He sets down his mug to pat the child's head.

The boy sniffles sleepily before he stumbles back over to Gaara, who watches the scene with obvious amusement.

"Father…" Shinki yawns, tugging on Gaara's sleeve.

"Good morning, Shinki."

"Morning…"

"You're not awake at all, are you?" Gaara smiles, picking up the child. Shinki yawns again, clearly happy to be held.

"You know, soon you'll be too big for me to carry you like this." Gaara says.

"No!" 

That wakes him up a bit, pouting grumpily.

"It's true, but don't worry. Not _ too _ soon."

Shinki whines and shoves his face in Gaara's neck, clearly unhappy with the thought. Sasuke looks on, heart doing something unrecognizable at the look of contentment on Gaara's face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke: maybe no more child soldiers?  
Kage: hush  
Sasuke: :(
> 
> Sasuke: no more child soldiers?  
Gaara: no more child soldiers, no  
Sasuke: :D
> 
> All jokes aside here comes the sexual tension. And healing on Sasuke's part. It's finally time for him to see the light at the end of the tunnel whoo! The plots moving along and they're gonna be gay together soon!
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	12. Chapter 12

Sasuke wasn't fond of alcohol. 

It was dehydrating, made one clumsy and stupid, and it tasted like gasoline, no matter what "fruits" people liked to say they were infused with. He saw little use for it, truly. So when he walks into Gaara's kitchen and finds Kankuro sitting there nursing a cup of warm sake he's a little annoyed by the smell. 

And the fact that he  _ isn't _ Gaara. Who he's been looking for for the past ten minutes. 

He followed the Kazekage's scent here, but he may have taken a wrong turn somewhere.

Well, at least he could cross the man's apartment off the list. He clearly wasn't here.

"You're back." Kankuro says, looking at Sasuke curiously.

"Hn."

The man is quiet for a moment, before he squints at the Uchiha suspiciously. He doesn't look upset, but more like he's studying a very interesting painting.

"Do you like my brother or something?" He asks suddenly.

Sasuke blinks at him, mind reeling to a halt. 

He's still in his sleepwear, and he'd only gone back to nap for about an hour after breakfast and woke to the apartment completely empty, save for the Kazekage's brother, who sits at the table and obviously seems happy to ask him questions that make Sasuke nearly choke on his tongue.

"I mean, you guys seem to be...close, now. He smells like you - more often than not, anyway. You guys friends?" Kankuro says, eyeing him critically. Sasuke feels his chest tighten. It's not a feeling he's used to yet.

"We are." 

"Hm. Okay." He shrugs, taking another sip of his drink, "Just asking, I guess."

Sasuke's next question is on his tongue, but he isn't completely sure he wants to ask it. He still does, though.

"...Why?"

Sasuke almost wants to abandon this conversation altogether but…

This feeling is... awkward? Maybe? Sasuke isn't sure. He isn't good with picking out how he's feeling anymore. These past few years have been spent ignoring his emotions until he was numb, but now he was  _ feeling _ things - trickles and pangs of all  _ sorts _ of things - and he had no idea how to label them anymore. It was frustrating.

Kankuro looks hesitant for a moment, before he takes another sip.

"Gaara doesn't bother to form bonds with people anymore. At least, he didn't. He keeps a lot inside, and doesn't talk about himself or his thoughts all that often. Other than Shinki, Temari and I..." Kankuro says, and Sasuke is sure the alcohol is the reason the man is so forthcoming with his words, "Everyone expects him to be Lord Kazekage, and I think he... saw that people would never see him as normal, so he stopped trying. He has his associates, but they're just that - associates. But he's just as disconnected from everyone as he was years ago - in a...different way. They only see a leader, so...I'm sure you can understand how forming meaningful friendships can be hard for him, even without knowing his past. But then  _ you _ come along and he talks to  _ you all the time _ . He talks  _ about _ you, too. He used to only talk about work, or Shinki, but now...I don't know...I guess I'm just curious." Kankuro finishes, looking at the other man intensely before he continues.

"He never lets anyone this close, but he let you into his home. Near  _ Shinki. _ He's a really private person, and really keeps to himself. He's very particular about who he lets near his kid. Just how he is, I guess. He doesn't like his personal space invaded, and yet...he let you in. I mean, he barely lets  _ Shikamaru _ in here and he's married to our sister. So it's just...odd."

"I…"

Sasuke blanks for a moment.

He didn't really consider that Gaara was as affected by him as vice versa. But now that he thinks about it, it makes sense. Sasuke wasn't Naruto, and didn't know too much of Gaara's past like the Hokage did, but the more he learns about Gaara - it seems like the man is just as...lonely? Isolated? Longing for a connection that was just...

He was in a  _ different _ situation than Sasuke, sure. But...Gaara seemed just as appreciative to have Sasuke around as Sasuke was to have  _ him _ around.

Maybe the man needed someone to talk to as well? Somehow he'd never considered that before, and he feels like a fool for that.

He remembers Gaara asking him if he thought he was crazy, and how stunned the redhead looked when he said no. 

Maybe the Uchiha did have something to offer him. It wasn't much, but was clearly enough. Something, at the very least.

And if Sasuke's learned  _ anything _ from these past few months of getting to know Gaara better, it's that having someone to talk to made an unbearable life...better, somehow. It made it easier to  _ breathe. _

Sasuke had learned that before (with Naruto, though that was its own situation altogether) but clearly he was learning it again.

But then he remembers that Kankuro said that Gaara  _ talks _ about him, and his chest does that strange thing it's been doing when the redhead  _ smiles _ at him, or - hell - when the omega is so much as  _ near _ him. Lately it's been happening even when  _ he looks _ at the man as well. Sasuke doesn't know what it is, but it happens so often now that he can't help but take notice.

And he knows that if he had  _ anyone else _ to talk to, he'd tell them about Gaara, too. 

"I didn't think of that." Sasuke says quietly, almost to himself. His hand messes with the loose seam of his shirt as he thinks. 

"People rarely do." Kankuro says.

Sasuke doesn't know what to say to that.

"Just...don't hurt him, okay?" The man frowns, "People never realize this, because he doesn't show it but... Gaara's really sensitive. He doesn't know how to deal with people, and he panics when he messes up. He's got a lot of anxiety, and he doesn't know how to express what he feels so he keeps it all inside. He takes things to heart, and he's been hurt a lot. Too much. I just... don't wanna see him like that anymore."

Sasuke looks at the other man, taking in the drawn expression in his face. He wants to ask what hurt Gaara has endured that he doesn't know about, but for some reason he also isn't sure he wants to hear the answer. He's sure it would only make him angry. More feelings Sasuke wouldn't know what to do with.

Sasuke wasn't stupid, he saw the hesitance on Gaara's face whenever he spoke to someone, or said something he thought Sasuke would reject him for. The man was used to being a social pariah (the Uchiha knew  _ that _ much), and Sasuke understood what that was like. 

Not for the first time he wishes he knew  _ more _ about the man he recently came to call his friend. He  _ could _ ask Naruto, but it felt...wrong to ask someone else about something the redhead hasn't told him himself. It felt invasive, and Sasuke didn't want to acquire information about him that the redhead wouldn't freely give him.

He remembers what Gaara used to be like. How  _ crazed and tormented _ he was as a child. Sasuke was an adult now, and knew that whatever caused him to be that was something fucking horrid. 

At some point Sasuke found himself wanting to know everything about the Kazekage, and he doesn't exactly know  _ when _ but he does. He just didn't know how to ask. Or if he should.

Sasuke was only just learning how to speak to people again, (and hope to be heard by people too). People who would  _ listen _ to him. He had no idea how to go about asking Gaara about things like this. He wanted to, though. He really did.

"Yeah, I...know something about what that's like."

The puppeteer looks at him for a minute, eyes searching Sasuke's expression for any sign of deception.

He obviously finds none, before he knocks back at his drink, nods and stands, putting his cup in the sink after draining it.

"If you're looking for him he should be meditating in the sand pits out back." Kankuro says, "He shouldn't be too busy today. He sent everyone home because there wasn't really too much work for anyone to do. Pretty sure you'll find him there."

"Hn. Thanks."

"Uh-huh."

Sasuke knows what he wants to say, but he takes a moment and thinks about whether he wants to say it. 

He does.

"It's not my intention to hurt your brother." Sasuke says, before Kankuro turns to leave, "I...I wouldn't-"

Kankuro nods slowly, understanding mixing with the worry on his face, "...I know. I don't think you're that kind of guy, actually. It's just that...he's my little brother. I couldn't protect him for a really long time, so I...guess I had to just tell you that. So you know. Especially since it seems like you're not going anywhere."

Sasuke nods, "Understandable."

Kankuro waves, clearly intoxicated and lax in his movements, "Well, you know where he is. See ya."

He waves lazily and then he's gone.

Sasuke stands in the middle of Gaara's kitchen for a moment, still a bit surprised that he's trusted to stay in the Kazekage's home by himself. And then by the conversation he's just had as a whole. How strange his life has become-and he's fought  _ gods _ and resurrected men. 

_ 'Especially since it seems like you're not going anywhere'. _

Something about that makes Sasuke's stomach do something funny that he can't ascribe words to.

Sasuke stands there for a moment, wrestling with his own emotions. Emotions. Something he'd only  _ just _ remembered he had, not too long ago.

He moves before too long, wanting to find the Kazekage.

Sasuke doesn't know how Kankuro expects him to know how to get to the sand pits, but he finds it by following the omega's scent, and he follows winding hallways and goes through multiple doors before he's in the sun once again. 

The sand pits are a large arena behind the mansion, flooded with sand. Just as the name suggests, it's much like the desert itself. 

If it wasn't for the movement of the grains he wouldn't think anyone was back here at all. But there's that familiar scent, and the air moves in that particular way it does when Gaara is using his ninjutsu. Sasuke recognizes it, at this point.

The sand swirls around in shapes, rising from the ground and spinning into flowers, shapes or bubbles that dissolve and dip back into the earth. Gaara sits in the center, and his sand swirls about - floating gently and settling back to the ground for a moment before the grains swirl to life all over again.

The Kazekage's eyes are closed, and his hands are settled in his lap, mouth parted - slightly - to breathe. The redhead breathes slowly - he's so  _ still, _ but the sand continues to swirl about around the space. The scene is…

Sasuke hasn't thought anything was beautiful in a very long time, and yet-

Gaara is a red speck in the sea of golden sand, and Sasuke briefly wonders how he can handle the sun with such  _ ease. _ The man wasn't even sweating. The omega was used to it, he assumed. Sometimes it seems like Gaara  _ is _ the desert - still and serene. Unyielding, but gentle.

Sasuke can't help but  _ stare _ for a long, quiet moment.

Then, a sand flower that looks suspiciously like a rose swirls up by Sasuke's shoulder, and it's only then that he notices that he's taken a few steps into the sand and towards Gaara. He didn't even noticed he'd moved, truthfully.

He finds himself reaching for the flower without thinking, and he curiously pokes at it. The flower crumbles and forms a swirling shape he can't decipher, light and airy. Something about Gaara's sand feels light and bright. It's so strange, he thinks. Before - when they were children - the sand was  _ harsh _ and  _ stinging _ , but now...

"Sasuke."

Gaara eyes open, green and shining. His skin is paler in the sunlight, completely saturated. The Uchiha startles a bit, unaware the man had taken notice of him. He shouldn't be surprised. Where there was sand, there was Gaara's consciousness.

Sometimes it seemed like the omega knew  _ everything _ .

"I didn't mean to interrupt."

"You didn't." Gaara says, opening his eyes, "I was almost finished,anyway."

"Oh. Alright." Sasuke says, confused once again by that feeling in his chest when the man looked at him.

They're quiet for a moment, and Sasuke takes a breath of roses and earth.

"Kankuro drank your liquor." He says, and he doesn't know why. Sasuke finds himself blurting things out in Gaara's presence more often, like he panics, or something. It's infuriating, and he doesn't know why. He doesn't know a lot of things these days. As familiar as Gaara is now, Sasuke still often feels like he's wading in the middle of the ocean, or caught in a sandstorm when he's with him. It's disorienting, and makes his heart hammer.

What the fuck is going  _ on? _

Gaara gives him a small smile at the mention of his brother.

"He does that. It's fine. It's not like I drink much of it, anyway." He says.

Sasuke nods, unsure what to say. How to respond. Was communication always this hard? He can't remember. Recently it seems like it's gotten more complicated. Was it him? Was it Gaara? 

Was it because he was talking _to_ _Gaara?_

Sasuke nods, distantly feeling foolish.

Gaara stands, and the sand collapses to the ground, the shapes falling.

Sasuke watches him gather his mat and make his way toward him, red hair bright in the sunlight.

"Kankuro tends to drink and brood. You'll grow used to it." He says, brushing past the alpha, "He does that every now and again."

They turn to walk back towards the mansion and up to the Kazekage's office, falling in step together.

"Ah, just so you know…" he starts, turning to Sasuke, "Naruto will be arriving soon."

"For what?"

"To yell at me, most likely." Gaara shrugs, turning head back up the steps that lead to his office, "For taking away one of Konoha's secret trump cards, I'm sure."

Oh. Orochimaru's arrest. Right.

Sasuke shifts, uncomfortable at the thought of the man. 

"Hn." 

"Just...in case you didn't want to be privy to the conversation, I figured you should know he was coming."

"Yeah, I-thanks." Sasuke says. He was still so unused to how much Gaara seemed to innately care for his feelings. Was he that considerate toward everyone?

'Toward Shira?' he suddenly thinks bitterly.

Sasuke shakes the thought from his head. What a strange thing to think all of a sudden.

"Anyway, I meant to speak to you about something." Gaara says, suddenly sounding quieter and a bit more hesitant, nudging his office door open with his shoulder and heading to his desk - looking away and preoccupying himself with a scroll on it.

All at once it occurs to him that Gaara may be  _ nervous _ and trying to hide it. His interest is piqued.

Did  _ he _ make Gaara nervous? 

Either that talk with Kankuro was messing with his head or he was finally seeing how Gaara acted differently around Sasuke than anyone else as well. That it wasn't just Sasuke that had reactions to him. The Uchiha had seen glimpses, but he's never noticed quite so starkly before.

"Hm?"

"Suna and Konoha are in need of a new liaison. Temari resigned, as she's caring for Shikadai, and she'd like to focus on her son - which is understandable. There isn't much to do currently, seeing as the world is a bit quiet, and I was going to suggest Lee, but he's on a long-term mission in the Hidden Waterfall. If you were interested I was thinking of suggesting  _ you." _

Sasuke pauses for a long moment.

A liason? Gaara wanted him to stay? Sasuke knew  _ he _ wanted to stay for a while but he didn't think that the Kazekage  _ himself _ wanted him to-

Gaara immediately panics at his silence.

"If not, that's perfectly fine,  _ of course _ . I- I'm sure you like travelling. It was a foolish thing to say, never mind. I sometimes tend to speak without thinking. I don't even really know why I asked - I'm sure Aburame Shino or Akimichi-" the Kazekage rambles and nervously arranges the documents on his desk, eyes unable to meet Sasuke's. 

The Uchiha has never  _ seen _ him like that before, and if he wasn't so surprised it would be somewhat humorous, how quickly Gaara went from calmly (albeit nervously) asking to quietly panicking. He can't help but stand there and watch for a moment, surprised by Gaara's obvious nerves and the offer presented to him. Black eyes are glued to the redhead as he continues to ramble and quietly fret at Sasuke's silence, but the Uchiha can't say much for a moment. This was one of the few times Sasuke has been totally blindsided.

And then his words catch up to him, and he hears the fact that the Aburame heir or Akimichi could take  _ his _ place - and that stirs that  _ dark _ feeling in his stomach again, like when he heard that an enemy tried to bite Gaara a while ago, or when that man pushed between him and Gaara and tried to get the Kazekage's attention. 

If it was anyone else they'd be with Gaara all the time, and both of the men named...they were  _ both _ alphas...

The thought of Gaara asking someone else... _ upset _ Sasuke. Greatly. He... didn't want Gaara thinking of someone else.

A...very strange thought that he'd  _ never _ voice, but it was a thought nonetheless.

Then he realizes he hasn't spoken yet, and Gaara is still quietly rambling.

_ Say something! _

"I can do it." Sasuke says, maybe a tad too quickly. That would mean no more travelling, but then...he could just stay here, couldn't he? Isn't that what this meant? He'd be stationed in Suna, working with Gaara if anything ever came up.

"-and I don't want to impose or- Oh - I..." Gaara says, finally looking up. He looks surprised that Sasuke accepts, like he expected rejection, of all things.

Sasuke doesn't know why he thinks such a thing. Why would he say no? 

"I'll do it." He says again. He only barely stops himself from saying something that he couldn't explain.

Something like...

_ Don't ask anyone else. _

"A-alright." Gaara says, still looking like he didn't expect Sasuke's answer.

They stare at each other for a long moment, eyes searching. They don't notice Kankuro enter until he clears his throat loudly, looking between the two of them suspiciously. 

They both startle and look away, finally.

"What's goin' on here?" He asks, breaking the silence of the moment, eyes narrowing at them both.

"K-Kankuro, hello - we were just...talking." Gaara stammers, still surprised by Sasuke's answer and now by his brother's sudden appearance and obvious suspicion.

Sasuke feels his face go red almost immediately. Why though, he has no idea.

"I was just coming in to say Naruto's here."

"R-right." Gaara rasps, avoiding both of their eyes as he rushes from the room.

Sasuke feels his face go warmer with embarrassment. He's getting used to the feeling, and he doesn't know why. Kankuro gives him one last, knowing look, and he follows his brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason I hit a huge roadblock with this chapter?? Idk how I feel about it, but sorry for the delay!
> 
> As usual this is unbetad so I'll edit it once I can see straight again


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unlucky chapter 13. warning for talk of miscarriages, assault and sexual coercion.

Sasuke lingers outside the door of Gaara's office - unsure if he even _ wants _ to go in. What would he even say? What _ was _ there to say to Naruto at this point?

Instead, he listens to them talk, and tries not to feel like he's hiding.

He can catch the middle of their conversation once the advisers leave. He hears Shikamaru and Kankuro chatting as they walk down the hall, and he leans against the door, trying to understand why he feels so hesitant to be present for this conversation. Eventually they'd scent him outside the door, but until then…

Sasuke was simply happy to be a bystander for the moment. 

"So, have you come to yell?" Gaara says, and he sounds tired even to Sasuke's ears. He can imagine the look on Gaara's face. His eyes grew duller when he was tired.

"I'm...not mad, actually." Naruto says, "It's more the elders hassling me than anything. I never liked the guy. I never _ wanted _ to let him go...it's just...yanno."

"Then why did you let _ them _ make that decision? Especially if you know how dangerous he is? We _ both _ do, Naruto. Sasuke does too."

Naruto silence means he feels properly chastised and guilty.

"Has he...said anything about maybe what happened with Orochimaru? I...I just…"

Gaara gives him a look of raw confusion, "Why would he tell _ me _ anything that he hasn't told you? _ You're _ his best friend. I'm just...here."

Is...that what Gaara thought? He was just another person of many in Sasuke's life? Why did that make Sasuke angry, all of a sudden? 

"I don't think that's true." Naruto frowns, "He doesn't tell me anything anymore. He just...doesn't say anything. I hear he's here all the time, now. He smells like you, too. I'm pretty sure he talks to you more than he talks to me these days."

"That can't be right." Gaara says.

Sasuke clenches his fist. 

"Anyway, thanks for...taking care of the Orochimaru situation. You shouldn't have had to, but...still."

"You need to stand up to them." Gaara says, "What's the point of being Hokage if you just roll over whenever they demand something? How are you any better than Hiruzen?"

"I... it's not that simple." Naruto argues, "You don't understand-"

"Bullshit." Gaara snaps, "I understand better than anyone, and you _ know _ that."

He hears Naruto sigh, and that's when he finally opens the door and steps inside. Both Kage quiet and Gaara looks away, clearly angry at the blond. Gaara's sand climbs the walls, agitated.

"Oh. Sasuke! Hey, you're...here." Naruto says, and gives Gaara a look that says _ 'See? He's always here' _.

Gaara simply rolls his eyes at the Hokage, sitting down at his desk with a huff.

"Yeah." Sasuke says dully, already exhausted.

"Uh, yanno... Sarada misses you. And Sakura-chan's been wondering where you've been." Naruto says, "To the point where she's been asking _ me _ about it. Heh, I don't really know what to tell her."

Sasuke frowns, immediately annoyed at the mention of Haruno. But his heart clenches at the mention of his daughter, longing hitting him square in the chest.

_ Sarada. _

"Hn." 

"Yanno, _ Sakura? _ Your _ wife?" _ Naruto says pointedly, and Sasuke feels his irritation flare. 

_ "I get it." _Sasuke snaps at him, venom in his voice.

Gaara looks between them, clearly uncomfortable and surprised. His scent goes acrid, and the room fills with it, the usually sweet scent going dull. It startles Sasuke and Naruto frowns, tearing his eyes from Sasuke to look at Gaara in confusion and concern.

"Gaara? Hey, what-"

"I will...give you two a few moments to talk." Gaara says, turning towards the door. Sasuke feels a bit of panic at the thought of Gaara leaving, and the sight of him walking out the door makes his stomach turn something fierce. His scent lingers in the room, but all he can smell now is Naruto and his hesitance.

Why did Gaara leave? Did Sasuke do something? Was he upset? What _ happened? _

"I won't be back in the Leaf for a while." Sasuke says, staring after Gaara with a frown. He wants to go after him. Ask what's wrong...

"What? Why?" Naruto asks, clearly getting agitated, "What the hell could you possibly be doing here? And since when were you and Gaara spending so much time together?"

"Will you let me talk?" Sasuke snaps, annoyed, "I'm the new liason between Suna and Konoha. Gaara's sister resigned, so I said I'd do it."

"A liason?" Naruto repeats, "Where the hell is this coming from? You know you'd have to stay here then, right?"

"I'm aware."

Naruto gives him that confused look he does sometimes, like he doesn't know what Sasuke is saying. The blond goes quiet, frowning.

"I'm...tired." Sasuke says, and it feels like ripping open a lightly scabbed wound, saying these words to Naruto. But it's true.

"I just...need someplace to rest." He says, looking away. He could say a lot of things. That if he keeps going like how he was he'll take his sword to his own neck. How often he's thought about it. How Suna is the only place where that thought _ doesn't _ cross his mind. 

That he doesn't want to come back to Konoha. That he doesn't want to see the village where his clan once lived happily, until it all fell apart. That he doesn't care about the Will Of Fire, or whatever nonsense Naruto spouted. Not anymore. That he couldn't keep _ doing _ this.

That truthfully, he was afraid of himself, and the thoughts he had when he was alone. Awful things he wanted to do to himself. How he loathed waking up more often than not.

He didn't want to live in a place where children have to run about with kunai strapped to their pouches. 

That he didn't want to leave the scent of roses and Earth behind. That he desperately needed someplace where he could breathe.

He _ could _ say all of that, but all at once Sasuke feels so tired. Tired and begging his friend for any bit of reprieve. Any at all.

Just this one, small mercy. He knew he didn't deserve it. Sasuke knew he didn't deserve to be alive- he just….he doesn't know.

He couldn't go back to how he was. Not after tasting relief and contentment. He'd _ die. _ And for the first time in years... Sasuke doesn't _ want _ to die. He wants...he wants…

He doesn't know what he wants. But this is the closest he's gotten to wanting anything.

"But...here? I mean…" Naruto frowns, "It's nice, but I just don't see why you'd choose the Sand. Everyone is at home, yanno? And Gaara could visit if you guys are so close now-"

Sasuke says nothing, and Naruto sighs, clearly disappointed by Sasuke's lack of communication. But he has little else to say. Naruto could ramble to himself if he wanted, but Sasuke wouldn't go back and forth with him like they did when they were children. He was too tired.

But the blond obviously sees _ something _ on Sasuke's face that makes him pause. The Hokage suddenly looks startled.

"Okay." He says eventually, "Fine. I can….tell the elders...something."

"I want Sarada."

The words are out of his mouth before he can really think about them, but he doesn't take them back. What was there to think about? He wants his daughter. He wants her with him. He's wanted that for a while. Years. 

"Oh, we can ask Sakura and Sarada to move-"

"Not Sakura. Just my daughter." He says, "I want her with me."

"...Are you and Sakura fighting or something? Because I'm sure you guys can work it out-"

"I just want Sarada. Tell Sakura whatever you need to. I just want my daughter."

"O-okay. I guess I can- what's going on, yanno?" Naruto asks, obviously puzzled. He scratches his neck, lost. 

"Nothing." Sasuke says, "I just want these two things."

"I...I guess I can figure it out…" Naruto stammers, "But...eh, are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

When Sasuke leaves the room he has Naruto's word that he'd send a letter with word about when Sarada could be brought to Suna, and he's a bit surprised it was so easy. He expected...more trouble, he guesses. 

But the way Naruto looked at him…

Sasuke hasn't looked in the mirror for a while. Did he really look that pitiful that even Naruto could see how weary he was? How at the end of his own rope he was?

Maybe. He certainly _ felt _ like death sometimes. Less so lately, but...

Where was Gaara? He'd been following his scent for at least fifteen minutes, but he couldn't find him. He wanders around the mansion for a bit, and then he's back at the sand pits.

Gaara stands by the railing, leaning over and looking at the village. It's lit up and still busy, though the night is well underway. People pouring out of restaurants and pubs, walking home from work and previous engagements that preoccupy their evenings.

Gaara is so _ still, _ once again. His scent has returned to normal. Sasuke can tell, even with chilly wind picking up.

"You should go inside. It's getting cold." Sasuke says, getting the omega's attention. The village is quietly chattering below them, voices of Suna all blending together in a single hum.

Gaara turns to look at him, and then back at the village below.

"Maybe."

"You okay?"

"I'm fine." He says, "A ritual for new liasons from other villages will be held tomorrow. You should sleep."

He can tell the man is changing the subject. Avoiding talking about himself once again. 

Sasuke was starting to notice how _ often _ he did that.

"Ceremony?"

"A sort of welcoming ritual. It's small." Gaara says, before he frowns, "It does involve having to drink, though."

Sasuke shrugs. At this point, he didn't care. 

"It's fine. Anything I should know?"

Gaara shook his head, "Just do what I do." 

"Easy enough."

"It won't be long. The day after Matsuri will find you to help make your arrangements."

"Arrangements."

"Help you pick someplace to live, show you around. Things like that."

"Hn."

They don't say anything more, and Sasuke wants to ask Gaara about why he left when Naruto was here, but he doesn't know if that would go over well. Sasuke never used to bother about whether the person he spoke to was uncomfortable with what he said it not, and all of a sudden he _ cared. _ It was new. Strange. He didn't know how to say what was on his mind.

Gaara offers his guest room again, and Sasuke tries not to notice his own mood souring at the idea that this was his last night in Gaara's apartment. He'd have his own place after tomorrow. A place that smells _ different. _

He accepts and they part ways in Gaara's living room, and Sasuke settles down in Gaara's home once more, all the questions he had for the omega still swirling in his head.

* * *

* * *

* * *

He wakes to sunshine and the birds singing as usual, the temperature of the room rising as the sun does. He lies there for a while, head blissfully empty for a while. He stares at the ceiling and just breathes.

The fact that returning to Konoha isn't hanging over his head for the moment is relieving.

He wanders into the kitchen not too long after, and he finds a plate of breakfast steaming on the table, a small note folded next to the plate. He'd be retrieved for the ceremony at sundown, and Gaara was in meetings all day until then. 

Sasuke takes in Gaara's neat handwriting, slightly disappointed that he wouldn't be able to see the other man until the ceremony.

He spends the day reading and sleeping, feeling oddly lazy, but...content.

It's Kankuro that comes to get him when it's time, and it's such a short distance to the mansion's ceremony room that Sasuke finds himself a bit surprised. Kankuro ushers him inside and then waves, turning to leave.

The room is large and round - the sunset spilling through the open door that overlooks the village - and Gaara's seated at a small table right in front of the door, kneeling and looking at Sasuke as he enters. 

He's not the only one. There are four older looking people in robes standing at either side of the table, overseeing them.

Sasuke heads toward the table, trying not to stare at how the setting sun settles over Gaara's hair. The robed elders nod at him, and he moves to the place across from the Kazekage.

He kneels in front of Gaara, and watches him carefully take the sake cup and pour some for Sasuke, then himself. His movements are practiced and careful. Graceful, even. Sasuke just stares at him, a bit entranced. The room is so quiet that Sasuke finds himself almost surprised by it. 

They loop their arms together and drain their glasses (At least it doesn't taste too bad. _ Very _ strong, sure. But not like rat poison, like most sake.), bow and Sasuke signs the scroll, and that's it. 

Gaara wasn't lying. It _ was _ indeed quick. 

The ritual leaders bow and leave, and suddenly the room feels less suffocating, with just the two of them.

It's quiet for a moment, before Gaara speaks. 

"I told you it was quick."

"You did."

Sasuke feels the alcohol hit his system all at once, and he feels himself start to flush. He rarely drank, and was unused to the effects of the sake. 

In other words, Sasuke was a lightweight. His training taught him to fight against several sorts of toxins and poisons, but alcohol had somehow not been something Sasuke felt he needed to build a tolerance for.

Mistake. The room was going blurry at the edges. Sasuke felt his head get light. Strange.

Judging by the flush on Gaara's face, he's pretty affected by the drink as well, cheeks red with obvious intoxication though his face is as blank as ever. Sasuke tugs a hand through his hair, unsure what to do with his hand, and he feels the absence of his other arm so much more starkly now. It's so strange.

Sasuke doesn't even really remember _ ever _ drinking before, now that he thinks about it. 

"Sasuke? Are you alright?" 

"Hn?" Sasuke grunts, "Oh. Yeah. Just…I don't drink."

Gaara nods, "Ah. Well, it _ is _ particularly strong. I don't know why. But it's tradition."

"It's fine. I'll be fine." Sasuke says. Gaara looks just as unsteady as he is. The man _ did _ mention he barely drank.

Gaara looks at him for a long moment, brows furrowed. He looks concerned. Incredibly so. The omega doesn't speak for a moment, but when he does it's hesitant.

"Naruto mentioned you were married." Gaara says, blinking at Sasuke, "I didn't know. I don't mean to take you from your family. Will your wife be alright with you staying here?"

"Who cares." Sasuke says quickly, stomach twisting at the thought of his marriage. He didn't like to think about it. It felt wrong, being married. Well, maybe not being married, but to her. 

"Oh. Okay…"

"I didn't mean to- I'm not snapping at _ you." _ Sasuke says, alcohol making his speech a bit clumsy, "I just...don't like thinking about it."

"I can gather that. You don't seem fond of going to Konoha, even though she's there."

"I don't love her." Sasuke says, amazed by how easy it is to finally say the words out loud, "It was arranged. I had no say."

Gaara frowns, clearly disturbed and upset by his words, "That's...awful."

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry, I can't think of a better word." Gaara murmurs bitterly, "Elders, I assume?"

"Obvious?"

"Very."

"I said something they thought was threatening and they just…"

"They forced you into _ marriage?" _Gaara frowns, "Surely there's a way to get out of it."

"Maybe. But I just accepted it at the time. Everything else was awful, so what did it matter? It was just one more thing."

"That's...very sad." Gaara says.

"Hm." Sasuke shrugs. He's definitely drunk. Sasuke doesn't _ shrug. _

"Well, at least you're away from Konoha's elders. At the _ very _ least." Gaara says, eyes on the ceiling, "They're apparently harassing Naruto about me arresting Orochimaru, so at least you don't have to hear it too."

"He's a monster. You did the right thing."

He notices the sun has set quickly while he wasn't looking, the sky going navy blue and speckled with stars.

"I know." Gaara says, looking at him and then at his own hands in his lap, "When you talked about him, you looked terrified."

"I-"

"--I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought that up."

Actually, the alcohol may be cushioning Sasuke's emotions a bit. Everything feels distant and far away. Except for Gaara, that is. Sasuke has been hyper aware of how close they're sitting ever since the drink hit his bloodstream in the first place. 

"No, it's fine." He says, and he means it. Somehow, nothing really hurts right now. All he can see is the stars outside the door and the red of Gaara's hair. 

"I guess I...yeah, I can imagine how I looked back then. I don't really remember that day too well, honestly."

"You sort of blacked out." Gaara says, fiddling with his own cup, "I was... worried for you, I guess."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Gaara says, "I consider you a friend, Sasuke. I worry for all my friends."

"I-" Sasuke looks at the green of Gaara's eyes and nods, "You're my friend too."

"I'm glad."

"...Naruto doesn't know this but…"

He hesitates for a moment, before he simply exhales and says it. Who cares? The world already saw him as a terrorist and untrustworthy, what's one more shame? The fuck did it matter? And Gaara... Gaara accepted him _ anyway, _ and he really doubted this would change much. If anything at all.

"He raped me." Sasuke shrugs. He's surprised by how easy it is to say. The alcohol makes the words tumble out, though Sasuke feels something untangle in his chest when he finally says it. He's sure that the only reason he's willing to talk about this at all.

Gaara goes tense, and Sasuke catches how the man starts to grip his glass so tight his knuckles go white. Gaara opens his mouth and then closes it, looking troubled for a moment. When he speaks Sasuke doesn't expect what he says to squeeze his heart as it does.

"I'll be sure he _ rots _ and _ dies _ in that prison." Gaara hisses between gritted teeth.

Sasuke exhales quietly, relieved that he doesn't have to deal with someone pitying him, or worse, saying the words "I'm sorry". He always feared those reactions. The pitying glances or worse, the accusing ones that told him he deserved it.

Though really, he didn't expect those awful reactions from Gaara, actually. It was more of a reflexive worry, if anything.

"I can definitely live with that.." Sasuke shrugs. Gaara is still silent, eyes blazing. He gives the man a moment to deal with his anger, somewhat vindicated that someone was upset on his behalf.

Another way he could convince himself he wasn't crazy. Orochimaru's a monster, and Sasuke _ wasn't _ strange for thinking so.

It's definitely the alcohol that makes Sasuke say what he says next.

"I feel like you know so much about me, and I know so little about you."

Gaara gives him a surprised look, non-existent brows furrowing in thought, "I've...never thought about it."

"You never talk about yourself." Sasuke says, "Kankuro said as much, but he's right."

"You've been speaking to Kankuro." Gaara says, "I'll have to tell him to keep his mouth shut."

Sasuke snorts, "But it's true."

Gaara blinks at his lap for a moment, fiddling with the glass, "What is there to say?"

Sasuke shrugs, "Whatever you want."

He's silent for a long moment, and Sasuke starts to think the alcohol has made him _ too _ loose, and that he's said something completely wrong. But before he can think that Gaara has begun to shut him out, the Kazekage says something he didn't expect.

"I was pregnant once. When I was seventeen." Gaara says. Sasuke freezes, the world stops and he feels his eyes go wide. 

The alcohol was clearly ruining his ability to keep a straight face, but thankfully Gaara seemed content looking outside the door and up into the sky than at the Uchiha currently gaping at him. It takes Sasuke's sluggish brain a moment to realize that Gaara was avoiding his eyes, and not just stargazing.

Sasuke feels dread curl in his stomach, but he doesn't say anything. The Kazekage looked like he was wrestling with something. Maybe what he wanted to say. Maybe his own emotions. Sasuke couldn't tell.

Maybe it was both. 

His need to know more about the redhead keeps him quiet, even though he has a thousand and one questions. 

Kankuro was right. Gaara barely speaks about himself. The odd mix of the buzz of alcohol, the raw interest he feels at Gaara's words and the dread building inside him keeps him quiet, waiting for the Kazekage to continue speaking.

Gaara takes a moment, and Sasuke _ really _ hopes that's not all he plans to say. Sasuke doesn't know that in his half-drunk state he could stop himself from _ asking _ if Gaara didn't elaborate himself.

"It wasn't...my _ choice. _ The council had been tying up Temari's marriage plans to Shikamaru for months because he was a Leaf ninja, and she was so _ sad _ about it. She looked so _ stressed _ all the time, and all she wanted was to marry him. It was such a simple thing, but they wouldn't let up. I tried everything..."

Sasuke can't take his eyes off of him, but Gaara is still looking at the stars, eyes glazed over and far off - lost in memory.

"There was a...Lord and he…" Gaara's voice goes quiet and his eyes go dull, "They wouldn't let Temari marry unless I had an heir first- to secure the Kazekage bloodline, and one of the Lord's wanted me, for some unfathomable reason. So they said that the only way she could be married was if I accepted him and had a child. He was a lot older than myself - forty, I think? - and he was powerful. They were so thrilled that someone like that wanted someone as 'undesirable' as myself. Being a former monster and being as socially ungraceful as I am, they always told me that I'd most likely die without a mate. I didn't care, but it wasn't always nice to hear."

"And I...really _ didn't want to. _ It was one of the first times after the war when I felt true fear. The Lord was... persistent and intense. He was always saying such _ strange _ things to me, and looking at me in ways that made me uncomfortable, but to the council all they saw was the perfect opportunity to continue the Kazekage lineage in Suna, before Temari had her child and the power of the role fell to Konoha. They didn't want Temari's child to take the spot because I had no successors. I tried everything I could, but they just wrapped it all up in so much red tape I couldn't do _ anything." _

What the fuck? Sasuke feels the sickness in his stomach grow heavier. 

He pauses for so long that Sasuke fears he won't say anything else, and Sasuke felt the urgency of needing to know what the hell happened -

"Gaara?"

He startles, obviously having been lost in thought.

"Hm? Oh. Well...Temari looked so heartbroken, all the time." Gaara sighs, "She was miserable, and I just...couldn't take it anymore. So eventually I gave in. I just didn't want her to suffer. I thought she at least deserved to be married how she liked. I put her through so much when we were children, and all I could think was that...I was still hurting her, even then. I was the only thing standing between her and being happy. And I...she's done so much for me - loved me, even when I didn't deserve it. She's my big sister. But all I ever did was give her trouble."

Sasuke pours them both another drink. He feels like they'll both need it. Gaara takes it without a thought, knocking it back in one gulp. Sasuke does the same.

He feels the anger stirring in his chest, and he needs something to distract from it. He needs _ something _ to do with himself. He's too drunk to form too-coherent thoughts, but he feels like he knows where this story is going, and he's already furious and disgusted with everyone involved, save for Gaara and his siblings. He stops his eye from activating just in time, before he accidentally sets the entire mansion alight in black flames.

Gaara doesn't notice, though. He just stares at the night sky.

"She didn't know about the Lord, and I refused to tell her, or Kankuro. I didn't want to stress her out further, or...or make her _ worry. _ My only condition was that he couldn't be allowed to bond me. I...I just _ couldn't _ be tethered to him for life. I'd have his child, but I couldn't...I just _ couldn't. _ He wasn't happy about it in the least, but the council at least gave me that small mercy."

Gaara looks panicked for a moment, before his face settles and he goes carefully blank. Sasuke bites the inside of his cheek.

"As soon as the council told him he could...have sex with me, he wanted to right away, and I had no say. I had to hold my sand back from attacking him the entire time. If I hurt him the council would never let Temari have the wedding she wanted, it would all be null. It was all so _ stressful _ already, and he was...rough. _ Demanding. _ It _ hurt _ , and I felt sick while it was happening. I didn't know _ anything _ about that sort of thing but I knew something was wrong, and that I didn't like how he was hurting me, but I couldn't articulate it. He didn't listen to anything I said while he...he just told me to be quiet the entire time and I was completely out of my depth, so I had no idea what to do, and I had to concentrate on making sure my sand didn't kill him." He pauses, looking at his hands in his lap, "I didn't want to kill anymore, even though he was harsh and quite frankly, terrifying. That was just another unpleasant thing I had to go through, but I _ needed _ Temari to be _ happy. _ I needed her to live the life she wanted."

Sasuke feels sick. He wants to vomit.

And even more than that - he's angry. He's enraged. He feels like his jaw is about to break with how hard he has it clenched.

"I cried like a baby afterwards, when I was alone. Harder than I had in a while. Everything in my head felt _ wrong _ . I barely understood what happened, but I knew I felt horrible about it, and that I was in pain. I couldn't tell my siblings because I was afraid they'd feel bad, and I... I didn't _ want _ that. Temari would feel guilty, and that's the last thing I wanted. They knew something was wrong with me in the days afterwards, but I didn't want to talk about it. And I was... embarrassed, too. I didn't even want to think about what happened, so I just avoided them and locked myself in my office. I guess I hoped working would take my mind off of it."

Sasuke clenches his fist, and he feels the porcelain crack in his palm. He grits his teeth harder, pain shooting through his jaw.

"And then I started throwing up, and suddenly I was pregnant." Gaara says, "All of a sudden I was expecting a _ baby _ and I had no idea what to do. I was _ terrified. _ I didn't feel like myself. The doctors kept congratulating me, but I felt so sick that I couldn't respond. The next few weeks were miserable. I felt so sick all the time, and it was a constant reminder of that night that I wanted to forget. But I had to act like everything was normal. I think that's when I remembered that I was still a child. I had _ no idea _ what to do. And then I was suddenly in so much pain, and I was bleeding and- I...miscarried. I was alone when it happened, and I'm not sure what I did _ wrong, _ but...they were _ gone. _ They were just a cluster of cells, a _ life. _ And they were just... _ gone. _ The elders and the Lord were furious but I was just happy that he didn't want me after that." Gaara says, smiling bitterly, "He called me defective. I had failed, somehow. I suffered through that night and yet I still failed. I couldn't help my sister after all. It was all for nothing. I fucked it up anyway. I felt so _ guilty. _ Somehow I killed it. It had a heartbeat and everything and I just…I didn't understand why I was so upset. I didn't even want it, but...it was difficult. And I felt terrible for feeling a bit relieved. It wasn't the baby's fault, but I was still happy they were gone. I felt terrible for it, still do. But it's true."

Fuck. Is this what Gaara's been dealing with after the war? Did Naruto know? Did anyone outside of anyone in this mansion know? Was Gaara just walking around with all of this, acting normal and signing documents sitting behind his desk?

What the _ hell? _

"Temari and Kankuro nearly lost it when they found out. I felt even worse then. I had troubled them both again, when I didn't mean to." Gaara frowns, "They hugged me for so long while my stomach turned and ached, but I just felt worse. I didn't want to cause them more trouble, but I did."

"Gaara, I-"

"It's not the same as what you suffered. In fact, it's not the same at all, but things like that give you a hollow look in your eye that I saw every day in the mirror after I started bleeding out that baby." Gaara shrugs, "I guess I recognize it when I look at you, sometimes."

Sasuke just stares at him for a long moment, heart in his stomach. His brain blanks for a while, and he can blame the alcohol for that - and he partially does - but he couldn't have guessed that Gaara dealt with _ this. _

"Gaara-"

"I've never told anyone the entire story before." Gaara says, "Not even Kankuro and Temari. So...there you go. Now you know something about me." Gaara says, smiling tightly, "It's not exactly pleasant, but...none of it really is. So."

Sasuke doesn't know what to say. He has the annoying urge to say 'I'm sorry' but he knows how much he would have hated that if Gaara said that to him, and how thankful he was that he didn't. A breeze blows through the open door, and Gaara's eyes are still on the stars, like he was afraid to look at Sasuke at all.

A thought strikes Sasuke's drunk and shocked brain. Did Gaara know that wasn't his fault? He spoke like he placed it all on himself, and Sasuke knew what it was like to live with burdens piled on your shoulders. It wore you down eventually. No one could live like that.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to talk at you about all of that." Gaara says, taking Sasuke's silence as reluctance to speak.

"No it's...It's fine." Sasuke says, "It _ is _ . I just...you know that...losing that baby wasn't your _ fault, _ right? None of that was. You were just trying to help your family."

Gaara finally hesitantly looks at him, eyes wide in surprise.

"That could have happened to anyone. You were young, and under a lot of stress. That's not something to blame yourself for."

Gaara looks away once more, clenching his fists in his lap, "I...I don't know."

"You're going to have to believe me." Sasuke says, "I mean it. That wasn't you, you're not _ defective _."

Gaara is silent for a long time, before he shakes his head, "I was thinking that maybe it was because I didn't want it. Or love it. Shinki is adopted, but he's _ mine _ through and through. No one can tell me differently. He's my son, a part of me. That baby was growing inside me for a short time but it wasn't mine. I don't know. I...don't know."

The conflicting emotions on Gaara's face pain him, and Sasuke doesn't know how to convince him that he isn't at fault.

Gaara clearly saw it as him killing someone, same as before. But it wasn't the same at all. Gaara and that child were _ both _ victims.

Sasuke was _ wrong _ to think that he was the only one who suffered after the war. He thought everyone else had it together and he was the only one still in pain, but that wasn't true, was it?

There's so much _ he doesn't know _ about the man next to him, and every bit he learns _ hurts _.

"Even so, you're not to blame. Things like that happen to people who are thrilled to be expecting. It's just...an unfortunate thing that happens. Pretty randomly, actually."

Gaara looks down at his glass, "Maybe."

They're both silent for a moment, and Sasuke barely refrains from reaching for the omega next to him. But drunk or not, Sasuke won't invade anyone's personal space, no matter how much he finds himself with the foolish urge to put his hand on the pale one of the man who clutches his glass like a lifeline. 

He felt _ pain _ for Gaara. And he wanted to strangle everyone who pressured a seventeen year old kid to sleep with a forty year old monster of a man in the _ first _ place.

Sasuke itched to kill everyone involved. He hasn't been this enraged in such a long time, it was almost foreign. Sasuke hated the elders of this village and Konoha's, and if he could he knew he would dispose of them in an instant, with no guilt.

They thought Gaara was undesirable? Who were _ they _ to say such a thing? So undesirable that they jumped at the opportunity to shove him off onto any pervert with power that came along first? And then berate him for losing a child his young body wasn't equipped or ready to carry yet?

Yeah. Sasuke is furious.

"Anyway, things are better now. So there's no point crying about it." Gaara says suddenly.

_ Then why do you still look so sad, _ Sasuke wants to ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking, what if I took the plot if gaara hiden and made it.....real sad.
> 
> Anyway the point is that Sasuke is learning how fucked up they both are and he's real mad about it


	14. Chapter 14

Sasuke's place is a small apartment just a bit north of the Kazekage mansion. It's in a small alcove with a balcony - the building made of the same sandy, pinkish beige clay as the rest of the architecture in the Hidden Sand. He chooses it in a slight fit of distraction, thinking about the little bit of personal information Gaara's told him the night before and frowning to himself as he wanders the space. The woman who acts as his guide is ANBU, and he distractedly tries to nod and stay present, but he can't take his mind off the horrid story he was told. He's angry - obviously - and for some reason his brain won't leave it alone. He can't stop thinking about it, just like he can't stop thinking about Gaara's face as he spoke.

Was Sasuke wrong to ask him? Should he not have? 

The Kazekage looked so  _ troubled. _ Sasuke didn't intend to bring up anything that would upset the omega, he just...he doesn't know.

Was it really all that different to what Sasuke went through? They were both forced into something they didn't want. It's the same thing, isn't it? The  _ effects _ seemed the same.

And deep down, they both believe it was their own faults. Sasuke could never stop thinking about how he ran from the village and to Orochimaru, and Gaara clearly blamed himself for giving into the council's demands and losing that baby. They both berated themselves for not being smart enough to avoid being hurt how they had.

Logically, Sasuke knew he wasn't at fault for what Orochimaru decided to do to him, but his guilt and shame always said otherwise. He knew that Gaara's own brain attacked him in much the same way. 

So again, was it really so different? They both fell victim to predators, in the end.

He tries not to think so hard about it. It's only making him upset, more than anything.

He wanted to find the omega again, but he's spending the day being shown the village, and when he returns to his new apartment, it's late at night and Sasuke knows Gaara's schedule well enough to know that he's most likely putting Shinki to sleep and probably settling down himself. Sasuke finds that he doesn't want to trouble him further, especially if the man was reading bedtime stories to his son, or something. But also...it was  _ strange _ being in the village and  _ not _ with the redhead. It felt...off, for some reason.The earthy scent of the desert was here, but none of the aspects that smelled like  _ Gaara _ , and for a reason he doesn't necessarily want to frustrate himself thinking about, that's  _ unsettling _ . 

Sasuke tries not to think about it.

* * *

* * *

* * *

His apartment has two bedrooms, and he has no idea what he'll use the second for, but he chooses the one with the larger window for himself. There's a bed in there already, but it's a bit too short for him, so he guesses he'll need a new one soon. That was fine, he had no shortage of money due to Konoha at least having the decency to give him the liquidated assets of his clan, but the thought of shopping for furniture immediately overwhelms him. Battling for days he can do, but shopping? Sasuke doesn't know where to start. The ANBU nin showed him all the shops and he knows _where_ to go, but don't people usually choose things based on what they _liked_? Sasuke had no idea what he liked. 

He steps onto the balcony, leaning over to look at the village below it. 

The buildings, balconies and rooftops are adorned with plantlife - even in his corner of the residential district - green and thriving. Sasuke can only lean on the railing and wonder idly if that's Gaara's influence as Kazekage. As fond of gardening as he was, he had to have been the first Kage to propose such a plan. He wonders what Suna looked like before, without it.

Sasuke looks closer. He can see the roofs of some lower buildings. The gardens seem to be growing fruits and vegetables of various kinds. And on the rooftops, the plants would get no shortage of sun. Perfect conditions for crops.

Hm. Utilizing space and providing fresh food for the people. Clever. 

Gaara's design, then.

For a village in the middle of a desert, Suna still managed to be pretty colorful. After the first night in his new space he thinks about forcing himself to venture out into the village, reminding himself that there was a small chance that anyone in Suna would recognize him. If they did, they wouldn't care. He wasn't stared at here, and he wasn't whispered about, but he's still apprehensive and can't seem to shake it. He was used to being the odd one out. How does he deal with blending in like he always wanted to?

Sasuke was used to making himself scarce. He was used to constant travel, never being anywhere long enough to be noticed or spotted. Sasuke spent his days flitting through dimensions and villages, he's used to life going by very,  _ very _ fast. 

Setting down roots and making a home? Sasuke has no idea  _ how _ to do that. His last home was snatched away from him by his own brother, and he hasn't had the chance to create a space for himself since. 

And then there was the apprehension. Sasuke didn't _like_ crowds, or noise. Too much commotion made him irritated and short tempered. Made him feel cornered. 

He sighs to himself and retreats from the balcony, standing in the space he assumes he'll make the living room, just staring at the sunlight that stretches along the floor from the open window - and tries to think of what to do first. He could go see Gaara, but truthfully he feels a bit...guilty about the other night. He feels like he upset him, and that gives him pause. Would seeing Sasuke be good for him right now? He doesn't know, and if he thinks about it for too long he'll exhaust himself or drive himself crazy.

Something else, then.

Sasuke should probably buy some food, first thing. Or furniture.

So obviously...he doesn't.

He ends up in a small and quiet bookshop down the street from his new home and comes back with a stack of books and scrolls that he needs to summon a clone to help him carry. By the time he remembers he should have done the  _ actual _ shopping he's halfway through his second book that he reads on his balcony and the sun has long since gone down. Sasuke sighs and scolds himself for losing track of time, but he finds himself reluctant to leave his space again. One time today was enough. Being among people was hard enough in the small bookshop, though he knew no one was staring at him or even paying him any mind, but he still felt distinctly trapped. 

That happened a lot. Sasuke often felt cornered, waiting for an attack at any moment. No one was likely to attack him in a bookshop of all places, but he felt strangely... vulnerable without his sword in his hip. Or his cloak. 

He couldn't bring those things everywhere though. He'd look too out of place, and he really didn't want to attract any attention. It was strange, no one carried weapons around in Suna, and he knew it was because being a shinobi wasn't the main occupation here anymore. There were no ninja in flak jackets roaming about. He hardly saw any Suna headbands. He didn't know what to make of it.

Usually ninja villages were teeming with empty-eyed shinobi milling about with their hands on their kunai, braced for any threat. But  _ here _ people held handbags, each other's hands, their children, groceries, books…

It was different, for sure. He had no doubt Gaara still had the appropriate safety measures in place - Suna, after all was a village full of omegas, which meant they were vulnerable to a lot of attacks that other villages didn't need to think about. But the lack of soldiers was still... different, to Sasuke. Something to get used to.

He decides to try going to sleep, instead. It's difficult, as he's used to being worn from fighting and thus settling in to sleep sporting wounds and exhaustion weighing him down, but today obviously there is none of that. He finds himself staring at the ceiling and thinking, his mind running in circles trying to make sense of his new home and whether he should find Gaara tomorrow. What the redhead was up to. How Shinki was doing. Whether Naruto would keep his word and let him have Sarada.

He decides - right before he drops off to sleep - to call Garuda (who he knows is flying high in the Suna skies right now, reveling in the sun and probably stealing tomatoes from someone's roof, or whatever it is she usually does when she's not with Sasuke, pecking at him and demanding seeds) and send a message to the Hokage.

* * *

* * *

* * *

After he sends his letter with the hawk - who flies from room to room in his apartment, seemingly checking out the place as she titters at him in approval - he decides to try and be productive. Or something like that. 

The markets were fine if he went later in the day, he learns quickly. Less crowds are better. He could do what he needs to without feeling surrounded and suffocated, or like he has to watch his back.

Sasuke ends up doing most of his grocery shopping in the evening. He still keeps quiet and very much to himself and his small corner of Suna's residential districts and the markets, and he doesn't stay out long. Just long enough to gather what he needs and then retreat back to his space. Back to his scrolls and books. Back to the quiet of his small space in the corner of Suna's residential district.

Sasuke truthfully doesn't know what to do for the first week. It occurs to him that he doesn't really know how to live an average, domestic life. It's been years since Sasuke had to think about things like groceries. The last time he attempted anything like this was after he was orphaned and his clan was killed. And even then he'd been alone and so young and traumatized that it was all a haze. He does remember burning his hands while trying to cook for himself, though. 

He wonders how exactly Naruto got by back in those days. Gaara, too.

By day four he repairs the small crack in the wall by the door with no use of ninjutsu or his sharingan - instead with the tools he bought from the hardware shop two streets over - and he feels more proud of himself than he probably should. 

The kitchen at least looks fuller since he's done the shopping - less bare than the rest of the house - but he still needs to make several trips to several different stores and he tries not to overwhelm himself too much. So that night he cuts the day short and attempts to cook for himself, going through the same dilemma he went through at the markets. What does he even like to eat? How does he make it? 

Sasuke remembers watching his mother cook, and even helping at times, though he was a very small child then. Once he got to a certain age his father had forbidden him to help in the kitchen, instead saying that a young boy needed to start training. So when he was five he was drawn away from his mother's side and a shuriken was placed in his hand. 

Thinking about that leaves a bad taste in Sasuke's mouth. Kids shouldn't be given weapons, they should be playing and helping their mother's cook. He wonders if he's the only one who thought that practice was absolutely crazy. 

No. He obviously wasn't. Gaara agreed. If he was here he would tell Sasuke that he thought the same.

He _wishes_ Gaara _was_ here, actually. He's a much better cook than Sasuke is.

He burns the rice, and disassociates for so long that the tea in the kettle boils down to nothing, but he didn't burn the place down, so he tries to focus on that. He redoes the tea, and throws the burnt rice in the trash, and starts again. 

He tries to stay present this time, and not get locked in memories of his family or those days after losing them when he lived alone. He does alright the second time around.

The fish is slightly overcooked, but he learns that he shouldn't keep the heat up too high and he shouldn't leave it for so long. So there's that. 

Sasuke's not  _ terrible _ at this, at least. Nothing caught fire and he manages to stay grounded long enough to make a pretty decent dinner for himself (and it's more than onigiri, which is rare for him). 

Sasuke has a quiet meal that he makes himself, in his own small corner of this desert village and he feels something close to contentment. Accomplishment.

Closer than he's felt for a very, very long time.

He reads until he falls asleep.

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

The next day is a bit different.

The old lady who lives next door hands Sasuke a bag of peppers she's grown the next time she sees him. She simply looks at him as she waters her potted plants when he goes out to attempt to buy a lamp so he can read when the sun sets, and wanders inside before returning and placing the small bag in his hand.

Sasuke doesn't know what to do for a moment, and just blinks at her in surprise. Who was she? Why would she care if he had peppers? She didn't even know him. He hasn't even introduced himself.

Every lesson about manners that his mother taught him seems to kick in after too long, and he thanks her and bows.

She smiles at him and pats his arm, nodding. Sasuke stands there a bit awkwardly, not used to a stranger being so warm to him so randomly. The old woman doesn't speak, and it crosses Sasuke's mind that maybe she can't, but she seems to get her point across anyway.

In return he helps her carry one of the large flower pots inside her home for her, bowing before he leaves. She waves at him in thanks and smiles again.

* * *

* * *

* * *

He buys a lamp. It's blue. He thinks he might like it.

That night he reads until he falls asleep again, and is awoken by the birds outside his window, chirping away.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Garuda delivers a message to him that afternoon, and Sasuke scans it quickly, feeling his chest clench. In Naruto's messy handwriting he reads that Sarada will be escorted by Shizune to the Hidden Sand a month from now. Naruto doesn't give much more information than that, but for Sasuke it's enough. More than enough.

He sits there on his balcony and blinks at the letter, heart pounding. He'll be able to have his daughter. He'll be able to have his _family_ here with him, and he doesn't know for how long, but it really doesn't matter. The fact that he'll be able to hold his daughter's hand at all is enough.

_ Sarada. _

Garuda settles in his knee and sqawks at him, demanding his attention.

He pets the bird and smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured Sasuke could use some peace and happiness. At least for this chapter lol. 
> 
> Anyway, here's a war veteran basically trying to be a normal person and trying to function. 
> 
> Sorry it's so late. The world has gone to shit since I updated last but now that I'm quarantined I guess I'll be updating more.


	15. Chapter 15

A day later a cat jumps onto his balcony and stares at him with big black eyes through the window. He's making tea when he hears a small thudding noise and turns, expecting some sort of attack - hand on his hip, instinctively reaching for his sword. His heart hammers as he reaches for a weapon that isn't there at the moment. 

It takes him a few seconds to calm down after that, but he eventually just stares at it for a moment before he opens the glass, balcony doors. He isn't sure why he does it, but the cat simply blinks at him.

Then jumps down from the ledge and just strolls in, eyes on Sasuke. The feline trots over - tail swaying lazily - and curls around his leg, mewing and looking up at him expectantly.

Sasuke doesn't know what to do for a moment, unsure how to deal with the cat that's now wandering around the apartment like she's taking a good look at everything and gauging whether it's up to her standards or not.

He watches her jump up on the counters and dart behind the door as he makes dinner. 

Sasuke leaves a bowl of milk and tuna on the floor for her, and when he turns around she has finished more than half the milk and is happily chomping away at the canned fish. She gets more than enough of it on her whiskers. 

But when  _ he _ sits down to eat, the little thief steals half of his cooked fish and doesn't even look sorry about it, just taking her piece back to her bowl and meowing happily.

Sasuke grumbles at her, but can't find it in himself to be too upset. He finishes, cleans up and watches her pounce on the curtain by the living room window before she gets bored of it and wanders back to the balcony doors.

"You can leave, if you want." He says, nudging open the door again. And then he wonders why he's talking to a  _ cat _ like the thing can even understand him.

The cat simply looks at him and turns her back, trotting into his bedroom and plopping down by the bed, blinking sleepily.

Okay, then.

He slowly closes the door, eyes on the cat, confused. Did it want to stay? 

Sasuke decides to just go to sleep and deal with the thing in the morning. 

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

He wakes up with the fuzzy thing curled up on his chest, asleep. He startles for a moment, and is faced with a set of big black eyes. 

Sasuke huffs and gently pushes the clingy little cat away. She just plops onto his lap and stares at him.

"I'm guessing you've made your decision." Sasuke says, running his hand through his hair, tangled from sleep.

All he gets is a meow in response.

The cat darts around his feet as he tries to get to the bathroom, tries her damndest to take a bite out of the loaf of bread Sasuke got at the store a day ago, and claws at the curtains. She refuses to get out of the bathtub when Sasuke tries to take a bath.

She's not so bad. The creature is a bit annoying, certainly, but...it gives him something to do. Something to focus on.

He decides to let Sarada name her, when she gets here.

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke runs into Gaara and Shinki a day after that. He's picking up some more books, this time in a store a bit further into the market district. He is so absorbed in the new volume he's started reading that he almost misses a small voice saying his name and tugging at his pant leg.

He stops and looks down to find Shinki staring up at him.

"Shinki." Sasuke says, surprised. 

"Hello Sasuke." The five-year old waves, blinking up at him. He's clutching his bear and looking up at Sasuke like he belonged there. It  _ would _ be sort of funny, if he wasn't sort of panicking at the fact that Gaara was nowhere to be seen. Did Shinki get lost? Gaara was probably panicking too, looking for his son.

"Hello." He looks around, "What are you doing out here? Where's - Did you wander away from your father?"

The little boy doesn't even bother to lie, he just nods, "We were getting fruits and I saw you. Father said to stay close, but I wanted to say hello."

"Your father is probably looking for you, Shinki." Sasuke says, summoning a clone to hold the books and looking at the little boy, "C'mon, I'll take you back to him."

There's no way Sasuke's leaving a child out in the busy market district alone. No one would dare harm the Kazekage's son, but Sasuke doesn't see that as a reason to not bring the boy back to his father. The omega was probably noticing he was gone by now.

The little boy nods and lifts his arms toward him, giving Sasuke an expectant frown. 

Basically, the seemingly universal gesture of a little kid wanting to be picked up. Sasuke carries him through the market, eyes scanning the crowd for red hair.

They find Gaara by the strawberries. 

"I think you lost this." Sasuke says, putting Shinki down in front of his dad. The boy hugs his father's legs, looking up at him.

"Oh, are you back?" Gaara smiles down at his son, squeezing his cheek, sounding equal parts very amused and slightly exasperated, "Have you had a good little stroll? I told you to stay next to me, Shinki. Remember?"

Gaara doesn't sound upset, more like...trying not to laugh. 

Gaara looks... good. It's been strange, not seeing him for the past few days. Sasuke tries not to stare.

It's difficult.

Shinki blinks at his father's teasing, "Yes. But I found Sasuke."

"Did you?" Gaara says, finally looking at Sasuke for the first time in days, "Hello, Sasuke. I'm sorry we interrupted your shopping."

"No, it's...fine, I just uh, found him." Sasuke says, that stubborn heat rising in his face as Gaara looks at him.

"He tends to wander off." Gaara says with a small smile, "It's healthy to let children explore, but I still track him with my sand and don't let him get too far."

Right on cue Gaara's sand gently tugs Shinki back from a small pot of cacti he tries to put his hand in (out of what Sasuke can only assume is childlike curiosity).

Makes sense. He's used ninjutsu to stop Sarada from hurting herself on occasion. 

"How've you been?" Gaara asks, taking the bag of strawberries from the seller. He picks up Shinki when the boy tries to touch the cactus again, obviously finding it easier to hold his son to keep him out of trouble.

Sasuke doesn't know how to answer for a moment, "I'm...okay, actually. Just... adjusting, I guess."

"Father?" Shinki asks, tugging at Gaara's coat button, "Can I pay?"

"Of course." Gaara smiles, carefully handing his son the coins and letting the boy hand it to the shopkeeper.

The woman smiles, "Thank you, Lord Shinki."

The little boy nods shyly, hugging his father. The woman smiles warmly and bows to the Kazekage before he steps away from the stall.

Sasuke watches Gaara quickly make a sand clone and hand him the bag of fruit, before turning his attention back to Sasuke.

"Understandable, I'm sure it's a lot to get used to. How're you settling in?" Gaara asks, and Sasuke relaxes. Gaara seemed to be doing better since the other night. Maybe Sasuke didn't hurt him. Maybe he didn't ruin everything. Maybe it was all in his head after all.

"Uh, I…" he flounders for a moment, staring at Gaara before he snaps out of it, "It's...nice, here. Quiet. I'm just…learning where everything is."

Gaara nods, "If you need any help-"

"Only if you don't mind." Sasuke says. 

"Of course not." Gaara assures him, "This village seems to be changing all the time, it can be confusing."

Sasuke watches the clone buy some lemons and ginger. Shopkeepers bow to Gaara, and wave at Shinki.

"What are you at the markets for today?" 

"Oh. Uh." Sasuke tries to think with Gaara blinking at him, "I was looking for another lamp."

"There's a shop down the street, they have a good selection."

"Oh. Thanks." Then Sasuke shifts, not knowing how to ask his next question, "Do you...mind coming along? I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm not...good at things like this."

He  _ said _ to ask if Sasuke needed any help, right? And maybe Sasuke wanted to keep him around a bit longer. He hasn't seen Gaara in  _ days _ \- worried that he'd ruined something that night - but it didn't seem like that at all. Gaara still gave him those small smiles. It was a relief, really.

Gaara smiles, "Of course."

Sasuke relaxes slightly. Gaara taps his arm and gestures for him to follow him. Shinki is clearly comfortable, starting to doze off as Gaara carries him and leads Sasuke down the street.

"It's a small store, but I think it's one of the best." Gaara says once they've stepped inside. It's a small, eclectic little place, and it smells like incense.

Sasuke looks around. The place had a lot of varieties. He didn't even know what kind he wanted. He sort of just intended to just get one like the other one he bought a few days ago, but there were so many, here. Lanterns, too.

"What kind were you looking for?"

"I...don't know." Sasuke says, frowning, "I don't really know how to do this."

"It doesn't have to be a very serious decision." Gaara says, adjusting Shinki and looking up at him, "Let's start with something simple...what color do you  _ like _ ?"

Sasuke thinks for a moment before he says, "Blue."

Gaara looks around for a moment before his eyes fall on a standing lamp.

"What about this one?" He says, nodding to it, "Or that one?"

The smaller lamp is a bright blue that Sasuke feels sort of weird about, but the first one Gaara points out is...pretty nice.

He likes it. 

"This one is good." Sasuke says, "How did you do that?"

"I had the same problem." Gaara says, "I had no idea what to make of having a space of my own. So I just decided to fill it with things I like to look at, and tried not to think too hard about it."

"Hn." Sasuke frowns, "It's...very different. It looks like it comes so easy to everyone else."

He thinks about how quickly Naruto settled down, got married. How quickly most of their peers did. How well adjusted they all seemed after the war - and then there was Sasuke, who seemed to malfunction without his sword on his hip and a clear mission.

He wonders how adjusted Gaara is. Whether he feels as lost.

"You'll get better at it." Gaara says, "Trying to figure out what you want during times of peace after spending your life fighting is incredibly difficult."

Sasuke turns to him, "How long did it take you?"

Gaara looks surprised by the question, but he thinks for a moment.

"I think I'm still figuring it out." He says, and Sasuke appreciates the man's honesty.

"It gets easier all the time, though." The Kazekage says, "You'll get there. Be patient with yourself."

Sasuke can't do anything but stare at him for a moment, stunned. He feels a bit less tense - more settled, less tangled up.

Gaara  _ understood _ . Of course he did. Sasuke can't bring himself to be surprised, really.

"Right."

"Come along." Gaara says, "Let's purchase your lamp."

Sasuke nods, feeling content, standing side by side with the Kazekage.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke watches the clone he created take his bags to his apartment as Gaara rocks Shinki, who is completely asleep by now. The crowds thin further as the day ticks on, and they end up in another bookstore, looking over volumes and scrolls.

Gaara's clone trails behind them, silent and blank, holding the Kazekage's groceries.

"Have you read this?" Sasuke asks, handing Gaara a book. It looks familiar, like he's seen in the Kazekage's library somewhere.

"I started it, yes." Gaara says, "I couldn't finish it. The protagonist was insufferable."

Sasuke raises an eyebrow, "That bad?" 

"That bad." Gaara says gravely.

"Then I'll pass." Sasuke says, putting it back on the shelf.

They spend half an hour looking through books and talking, and it's only then that Sasuke recognizes how  _ close _ he gets to Gaara. Sasuke was loathe to be physically close to  _ anyone _ , and Gaara often kept himself at a distance from others, but Gaara leans into  _ him _ as well. It's like the Kazekage barely notices, like he doesn't even think about it. Once Sasuke notices he can't stop thinking about it, though he isn't sure what to make of it.

People were often more relaxed with their friends, right? Maybe it was normal and Sasuke was just unused to being close to anyone these days. He feels like he's still playing this friendship thing by ear instead of knowing the proper notes, but it strikes him that Gaara probably feels the same. 

Honestly, Sasuke was just content to have the Kazekage and his scent around.

They make it out of the bookstore - with several volumes and scrolls being carried by their clones - before they stop at several stalls further down the street, admiring the beaded tapestries a vendor sells.

"I wonder how long these took to make." Gaara says quietly, eyes roaming the intricate designs.

"Probably a while. Look how many beads this one has." Sasuke says, pointing an extravagant piece to their left.

"Wow."

"I was thinking about using the other room as a second bedroom." Sasuke says.

"Not a bad idea." Gaara says.

"I just thought that I should get the house in order before Sarada gets here." Sasuke says, "Maybe one of these can go on the wall. I think she'd like it."

"Your daughter." Gaara says, brightening, "Will she be living with you? 

"Yeah. Not sure how long, but...still."

"That's good news." Gaara says, "I'm sure you've missed her."

"Yeah." Sasuke says, "It's been a while. Too long."

The guilt about not being there for his daughter has eaten away at him for years. Circumstances aside, that didn't stomp down the feeling of failure Sasuke felt when he thought about how long he'd gone not seeing Sarada. Every time he laid eyes on her she grew a little taller, a little more articulate, and he feels like he missed all of it. 

"Well," Gaara says, "The thing about children is that once you show you're there for them, they sort of bounce back from everything else. Just be present while you can. Children don't need perfect parents, just parents who love them and want to be better."

Sasuke looks at him, surprised.

"Yeah I…" Sasuke flounders for a moment - Gaara had a way of saying things that made his brain scramble, "I guess you're right."

Gaara gives him that small smile again, and Sasuke's heart clenches almost painfully and he finds it hard to breathe for a moment. 

What the hell was wrong with him?

And at that moment Shinki huffs and opens his eyes a bit, wiggling in his father's arms.

"Look who's awake." Gaara says, amused.

"...Father....hungry." he mumbles sleepily.

"I bet you are." Gaara says, "You were asleep for a while."

The little boy blinks sleepily, yawning, "Want...want inari. And tea."

"Alright, we'll get you something to eat, okay?" Gaara soothes, before looking at Sasuke, "Do you mind taking a break? There are a few shops around here, and I'd rather he eat now, before it gets too late."

"Yeah, sure.." Sasuke agrees, "Where did you have in mind?"

They choose a tea shop not too far up the main road of the marketplace.

They pick a small table by the door, and Sasuke can't help sitting with his back to the wall and scanning the area for all exits. His hand twitches toward where his sword would be for a flash of a second, but eventually he calms, able to tune out the bustle of the shop and focus on Gaara's scent and Shinki's small voice as he asks if he can have some tea.

He gathers himself and takes a breath. It's easier, once he ignores everything except for the two people at his table.

"Are you alright?" Gaara asks, "Would you like to go somewhere else?"

He doesn't ask with any sense of pity or foreboding, and he doesn't look at Sasuke like he's a bomb about to explode. Gaara never did, but it was still a nice reminder. The Kazekage simply asked those questions like he was asking about the weather. 

It helped - that none of Sasuke's quirks seemed to phase Gaara.

"I'm fine." He says, "Just needed a second."

Gaara nods and moves on.

"You mentioned earlier that you now have a cat?" Gaara asks, cutting food for Shinki, "How did that happen?"

Right, he had mentioned the thing at some point, when he told Gaara about the fact that she'd stolen his fish for dinner the night before.

"She just walked in." Sasuke says, "Couldn't get her to leave. She's been spending her time clawing at my walls and trying to steal any fish I cook."

"It sounds more like she adopted  _ you _ ." Gaara says.

"Yeah." He says, smiling a bit, "Garuda can't stand her."

"That's why I stick to plants." Gaara says, "Simple, to the point. Little mess."

"Smart." Sasuke says, sipping his tea and thinking about how the cat knocked over the tea kettle this morning.

"But, I'm sure Sarada will be thrilled." Gaara says.

"Yeah, I was thinking that too." Sasuke says, "She likes animals. I'm told that she'll try to pet anything."

Gaara smiles and Shinki looks up at them both, munching on a piece of seaweed, "Sarada?"

"My daughter." Sasuke says. Shinki blinks at him, looking surprised.

"Oh." Shinki says, "Where is she?"

"She's in Konoha, for now." Sasuke explains, "She'll be here in a few weeks, though. She's about your age, actually."

"Oh. Does she like puzzles?" The little boy asks, "I have a lot of puzzles."

Sasuke takes a sip of his tea, "I'm not sure, but you two will find things you both like when you meet, I'm sure."

Shinki thinks about that for a moment, "Do you think we'll be friends?"

Sasuke gives him a small smile, "Yeah, I do."

Shinki thinks about that for a moment, then nods and shoves more rice into his mouth.

* * *

* * *

* * *

"I was thinking about getting a rug tomorrow." Sasuke says once they leave the tea shop.

"Well, there's a place not too far from here, actually. It's where I got mine."

"Hn, I was...wondering-"

"...I can help you pick one out, if you'd like."

"If you don't mind."

"Of course not."

They agree to meet at the exact same place at the exact same time, and once the sun has gone down Sasuke waves and watches Gaara's retreating back as he carries Shinki home. Sasuke didn't even notice how quickly the day went. 

He turns to go back to his own space once they're out of sight, feeling more settled than he has in a while.

* * *

* * *

* * *

By the time Sasuke gets back to his apartment it's dark and the lanterns in the village have been lit, guiding his way home. His house is a lot fuller than it was this morning, full of bags and books his clone dropped off over the course of the day. 

Sasuke sets up the lamp, feeds the cat and makes himself a cup of tea.

He idly pets the purring mound of black fur as he waits for the water to heat, and he pauses briefly in mild surprise once the feline curls up in his lap as he sits down to drink it.

Sasuke settles and gets used to the purring weight in his lap. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how I feel about the writing this chapter but eh I'm sick of looking at it.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More talk of miscarriages and such. Dark shit.

They're in a tiny shop full of porcelain trinkets when it all starts to go awry. 

Gaara is walking to the next table over - looking at some teacups - when Sasuke suddenly feels a bit...off, and doesn't know why. They've been out all day, and he's felt fine - if a bit tired - but for some reason the incense and closed space switches something in his brain that he doesn't see coming until it hits. 

_ Why? _ He was fine a few minutes ago-

Sasuke feels his stomach drop and his heart start to hammer, stumbling and feeling his back connect with the small table behind him. His hand clumsily reaches back to support him, and he only distantly hears the commotion he's causing, but everything is suddenly _very_ _far_ _away_ and _yet too close_ all at once. His lungs seem to stop working and his brain fills with static.

The attack is so sudden that it knocks the wind out of him, and he can't breathe.

His panicked daze lights up in sharp pain as he feels his hand lands on a piece of broken glass on the table he's stumbled into. Sasuke grits his teeth as it slices into his palm, glass embedding deep into the skin of his hand.

"Sasuke?" 

Gaara's voice cuts through, and Sasuke struggles to breathe while keeping it together as much as he can and locating where the omega is all at the same time.

"Sasuke." Gaara says again, and Sasuke opens his eyes a crack, starting to shake. Gaara is in front of him, green eyes on his own and looking at him in obvious concern. Sasuke at least has his wits about him enough to realize that the omega has covered them both with his shield, blocking everyone else in the shop from seeing Sasuke's breakdown. 

"I think you're having a panic attack." The omega says gently, "Can you hear me? Sasuke?"

"I-I…" Sasuke gasps, unable to take in any air. 

How _ weak _ was he? That he couldn't handle this? 

He realizes his face is in the crook of Gaara's neck a bit too late, and when he finally notices what he's doing he flinches and tries to step away, face burning. 

What was wrong with him? Omega's scent glands were both sensitive _ and _ private. What the hell possessed him to just step forward and place his nose where the redhead's scent was strongest? What was _ wrong _ with him? What the hell is _ happening? _

Why can't Sasuke _ think? _

And the sounds of the shop are immediately too loud, and everything is too bright, and Sasuke feels like his brain is imploding on itself. A strange mix of embarrassment and panic settles inside him, and he suddenly feels so ashamed that he tries to stumble back and turn away, but two hands take his shoulders and stop him, gently turning him back to face the Kazekage, who looks up at him with concerned eyes. His scent is strong and sweet in that familiar way that Sasuke knows is meant to soothe him. It does.

"S-sorry, I-"

"It's okay." Gaara says gently, looking a bit flushed himself, "Did that make you feel any better? Are you alright?"

"I...can't b-breathe." Sasuke gasps, bloodied hand clawing at his chest as his panic begins to mount. The pain only adds to his building hysteria, and he can't get any oxygen no matter how he tries. He can't tamper down the panic because suddenly he can't _breathe_ or _speak_ and he's scrabbling for his sword but he _can't_ _find_ _it_ because it's not _there_ and--

"Can I touch you?" Gaara asks, and Sasuke gasps for air but nods, shaking. 

He feels like he's pulling apart, limb from limb. Sasuke's lungs start to burn.

Gaara carefully takes his hand, placing it on his own chest. 

He wants to say that Gaara doesn't have to do this. That if he left and never wanted to speak to Sasuke ever again after this he'd understand. That he doesn't have to be here, holding Sasuke together and getting Sasuke's blood on his coat.

He _can't._ Not just because speaking is difficult right now, but because he _doesn't_ _want_ Gaara to leave. He doesn't want Gaara to run from him. He wanted Gaara _close._

"Feel that?" Gaara asks, inhaling and exhaling, so Sasuke can feel the movement of his chest as he does so, "Follow my breathing, alright?"

When he feels Gaara's thin chest expand he does his best to breathe in, and when he exhales Sasuke does also.

"You're doing great. Just keep following me." Gaara says, and Sasuke clings to his voice in the quiet, dim sand cacoon the omega has encased them both in. It blocks out the sounds of the shop, and blocks people's stares.

Sasuke feels his head getting light, and he stumbles forward and into the omega, feeling Gaara's arms come around him.

He melts, exhausted.

Sasuke realizes he hasn't been hugged in so _ long. _

Something in Sasuke is _ raw _ and _ needy _ for this affection that Gaara so readily shows him. He doesn't know where it came from, but maybe that part of him has been there all along, he just needed someone to _ see _ it. Gaara hugs him and tells him he's okay, that he's _ safe _ \- his voice soft in Sasuke's ear - and the Uchiha's heart does that thing he can't describe once more. 

_ What was this feeling called? _

When he catches his breathe a bit more Gaara pulls away to look up at his face, searching. Sasuke sees the smear of blood on Gaara's coat, guilt bubbling in his chest.

He's ruined Gaara's coat. 

Gaara shakes his head, "Don't worry about that, Sasuke. Breathe." Gaara says softly.

He didn't even _ realize _ he said that out loud, that's how shaken Sasuke is right now. He doesn't know what happened, but something about the noise and the small space set something off inside him.

"Let's go outside." Gaara says, taking down the shield. The shopkeeper looks at them curiously, and so do a few of the customers in the small section they're in. Sasuke freezes.

"Don't look at them." Gaara says, "Just keep looking at me, okay?" 

Sasuke nods, shaking. Yeah. He can do that.

"Let's get you out of here." Gaara says gently, taking Sasuke's shaking hand again, quickly leading him out of the shop and onto a vacant street.

"You'll get better air out here." Gaara says.

"Thanks." Sasuke croaks, still trembling. He realizes he's holding Gaara's hand incredibly tight despite the pain - getting blood on the omega's palm - but he can't let go. Letting go of the redhead feels like drowning and Gaara just got Sasuke's head above water. He can finally breathe again, but he still feels like his skin is coming apart, like he can barely keep his brain present and focused on anything other than the omega in front of him.

Gaara guides him to a bench and Sasuke sits down heavily, immediately putting his head between his knees, fighting a sudden bout of nausea. Once it passes and he gets some air, all he feels is frustration with himself. What the hell was that? What set him off? Sasuke bites the inside of his mouth, fuming.

"Perfect." Sasuke murmurs bitterly, sitting up and looking at his bleeding hand in Gaara's, "I'll be the resident crazy guy here too."

Fuck. What the fuck is _ wrong _ with him? The _ one _ place people don't look at him funny and he has a mental breakdown in a china shop of all things. In front of who knows how many people. 

And usually Sasuke wouldn't _ care _ , but he wasn't looked at differently here, and he _ needed _ that. And he seems to already be on track to fucking it up because for some reason his brain couldn't handle normal things like _ shopping. _

Pathetic.

"Actually, _ I'm _ the resident crazy guy in this village. Have been for years." Gaara says, "So you'll need to pick a different title, sorry to say."

Sasuke looks at him, surprised by his reaction. Gaara doesn't look at him with pity, but with veiled amusement. The omega turns his hand over, examining the wound currently still dripping blood onto Sasuke's pants. His hands feel cool and soft on Sasuke's own, and that calms him a little more.

"I've had breakdowns all over this village." Gaara says, "So, if anyone gets to be the village crazy person, it's me. I've earned it, and put in a lot of work."

And for some reason, Gaara's words make him laugh. It's small, and breathless since he's still regaining control over his lungs, but it helps. The tension leaks from his shoulders and he nods.

"That's fair, I guess."

Gaara gives him that smile and takes a handkerchief out of his coat pocket, gently wrapping it around Sasuke's bleeding hand. The Uchiha's breath catches a bit at the action as he watches Gaara's careful fingers pick out the glass he can reach and then wrap the cloth around the wound.

"Oh. Y-you don't have to - I'll just get blood all over your -" Sasuke starts, feeling his face heat up. 

Gaara shakes his head, "It's fine. There's still glass in it, and I think you'll need stitches, actually."

"I can do it." Sasuke says, face going blazing hot, "You don't have to bother. I don't want to make you feel like you have to - "

Gaara blinks at him, "You shouldn't be stitching yourself up. Come on, let's get you to the mansion."

He takes Sasuke's hand and leads him down the street and towards the mansion, and Sasuke is grateful that he doesn't have to deal with this alone. As mortifying as it was to have a breakdown over something so stupid in _ front _ of Gaara, he still always preferred having the omega there than _ not. _

Gaara slows down for him, since Sasuke is still a bit dizzy and lightheaded from his episode earlier, but before too long he's pushing open the door to his office and leading Sasuke inside. Sasuke realizes that Gaara held his hand the entire way there.

Gaara settles him on the small couch in his office, before he gets to work picking the small pieces of glass out of his hand with a some tweezers and cleaning the wound. Sasuke bites the inside of his mouth as the solution burns, and Gaara starts to wipe it down.

"I'm sorry. I know it stings." He says, giving him an apologetic look. 

Sasuke shakes his head, "It's okay. Don't be sorry."

Gaara focuses on stitching his hand, and Sasuke takes full advantage of the fact that he can stare at him without him noticing. Some of Gaara's hairs are lighter than the rest. Still red, but less deep. Some were even darker. Sasuke's never noticed it before. 

The door opens, though neither of them notice. Gaara's too busy making a neat row of stitches on Sasuke's palm, and Sasuke is too busy watching Gaara's face as he concentrates. How his non-existent brows furrow in concentration and his lips purse just a bit. How his green eyes are sharp with focus.

"Oh. Am I... interrupting something?" A voice asks. Sasuke tears his eyes from Gaara for the first time in half an hour and is faced with the sight of Temari standing by the door, looking at them with an eyebrow raised.

That's how Sasuke learns that both of Gaara's siblings have the same suspicious expression.

Gaara startles and looks up at her, cheeks pink, "Temari. I...I didn't know you'd be here so soon."

"Yeah…" she says, looking between them, eyes settling on their still connected hands, where Gaara has paused wrapping up Sasuke's injury.

"So what's...this." she says, gesturing between the two of them. It's not a question, more like a demand, if anything.

Gaara's face flushes deeper and he slowly continues wrapping Sasuke's hand.

"Just some stitches." Gaara mumbles, not looking his sister in the eye.

Blond eyebrows raise and Temari looks at Sasuke, then her little brother.

"Right…"

Sasuke briefly entertains the thought of saying something, but he's sure nothing helpful would come out. Besides, his face is so red he feels like his brain might be frying. That, and he's exhausted from having a panic attack not even an hour ago.

He isn't sure why. He was just getting stitches. Sure, they were sitting very close - pressed to each other's side - and he _ was _ staring pretty hard at her brother when she showed up but...that was…

It was just...

Something passes in Temari's eyes, and then she smiles.

"You should stay for dinner." She says, "I should get to know the guy who's taking over my liason position, don't you think?"

Gaara looks panicked, and Sasuke feels like the invite has nothing to do with Sasuke taking over her post and duties, but staying means staying with _ Gaara, _ so he finds he doesn't really care.

"You don't have to if you don't want to." Gaara rushes to say, face red, "I'm sure you're busy-"

"It's fine."

"See? It'll be great! We ordered takeout." She says, clapping her hands together and grinning. 

Gaara looks at his sister suspiciously. She just smiles at him and takes his hand, leading him out the room as Sasuke follows.

"So, Sasuke." She asks, turning to look at him, "How is Suna treating you so far? What happened to your hand anyway?"

"It's good. Different." He says, before looking down at his bandage, "And I had an...accident with some glass."

"Well, it looks like Gaara took good care of you." She says, eyeing her brother smugly. Gaara just looks ahead, very pointedly not giving her the satisfaction of a reaction.

"Yeah." Sasuke agrees. Temari seems to take note of that, though Sasuke isn't sure why.

Kankuro and Shinki are making the table when they arrive - the little boy helping his uncle set the plates and serve the food - and the child hugs Sasuke's leg in greeting. 

That makes him smile, just a little bit, "Hey, Shinki."

"Hello Sasuke."

Kankuro gives him a wave that Sasuke returns, hand stinging a bit. Thankfully the pain has dulled significantly. 

"Staying for dinner, Sasuke?" Kankuro asks, handing him a plate.

"Yep." Temari says, shooing Sasuke into a seat across from Gaara's.

Gaara helps Shinki onto his chair, situating him and giving him his bowl.

"Can I have juice?" He asks.

"You've had a lot of sugar today, Shinki. You can have some with breakfast in the morning, okay? Here's your water."

The little boy nods and takes the cup his father hands him. Gaara carefully helps Shinki drink his water without upending the entire thing onto himself.

"You're such a mother hen." Temari teases. 

Gaara narrows his eyes at her, "So you keep telling me."

Kankuro chuckles.

Sasuke catches Gaara's eye as he gives his sister another fondly exasperated sigh, and their eyes lock, just staring like they've forgotten anyone else is there. 

The table goes quiet as they eat but neither of them notice, eyes on other other until Kankuro clears his throat. The moment breaks and they both startle, looking away and flushing, continuing to eat their food.

"God, you two. How often do you two just _ stare _ at each other like that?" Kankuro says, raising an eyebrow.

"They do that a lot." Shinki says innocently, kicking his feet, happy to be in the conversation.

Sasuke almost chokes on his water, and Gaara freezes, his sand pressing against the wall like it also wants to escape the room.

"_ Do _ they?" Temari says, looking at the both of them before smiling at Shinki.

"Yes. Their faces get really red, too. Sasuke was in father's bed once and then father started smelling really good and their faces got even redder. It was funny." Shinki says, innocent to the catastrophe he's causing.

Temari's eyebrows raise again, and she blinks at Sasuke, then Gaara, who both opt to look at anything other than everyone at the table.

"Is that _ so?" _

Sasuke's face goes blazing hot almost immediately, and he sees Gaara go red too - green eyes darting everywhere and pointedly _ not _ looking at any of them.

Shinki opens his mouth to say something else, but this time Gaara is faster.

"Okay. Time for your bath." Gaara decides, getting up quickly and picking up Shinki, leaving the room. Kankuro takes the child's empty bowl to the sink, smirking at his brother's quick escape.

"Goodnight, Auntie Temari." Shinki waves happily from over Gaara's shoulder, "Uncle Kankuro. Bye Sasuke."

"Goodnight Shinki!" Temari calls, waving back at her nephew as her little brother escapes the room. Sasuke waves, face still burning as he watches them leave.

"See ya buddy!" Kankuro calls.

Sasuke has no idea what to do. He just fiddles with his water and chopsticks, trying not to look at anything - or anyone - in particular. He sort of wants to sink into the floor, but he'll settle for jumping out of a window or just setting himself ablaze with his amaterasu. He's not picky.

"So." Temari starts, "Kankuro has told me that you're here a lot. What made you wanna take over my old position? Seems like an _ interesting _ choice for you."

Sasuke isn't sure what to say, but he's sure that 'I have an inexplicably strong urge to stay close to your little brother' probably wouldn't go over well. 

"Something...new...I guess." He manages. It isn't a lie.

"Mmhmmm." She says, smirking, "Shinki's a chatty little thing, huh?"

Sasuke coughs, face going hotter, "Y-yeah. I guess."

"Remember when he first brought Shinki home?" Kankuro asks, rising from the table and gathering the glasses to put in the sink, "That kid is the cuddliest little dude now." 

Temari rises to help him, and Sasuke decides to do the same. He still remembers the manners his mother taught him, after all. 

"Yeah, he wasn't always though. Before Gaara adopted him he hardly seemed to know what human contact _ was. _" She says.

Sasuke frowns, embarrassment temporarily forgotten and giving way to curiosity. He gathers the chopsticks and places them in the sink. Kankuro nods at him, grateful for the help.

Kankuro frowns, "Yeah. He was with some fucking scuzzbag who wasn't taking care of him, before. Asshole barely responded when the baby cried, so Shinki just...stopped reacting altogether since he was left alone for so long. It was so weird. Super sad, too."

Sasuke looks at them both, surprised. Who would do that to a baby?

"Gaara was _ furious. _ Arrested the asshole and adopted Shinki immediately." Temari adds, taking a stack of plates from Sasuke and handing them to her brother to put in the sink, "First time I met the kid he barely even responded to voices, like he didn't know what to do with attention since he was hardly ever held after he was born. But Gaara came along and...well, he was _ always _ holding him and hardly ever put him down, especially those first few months. He got reaclimatized to contact again pretty quickly. Started crying again too, because he knew Gaara would come running to feed him or change him or give him whatever he needed. It was a complete 180. And now look at him. You can't separate him from Gaara without the little guy throwing a tantrum."

"I'm sure he helped Gaara, too." Sasuke murmurs, almost to himself - deep in thought and remembering what Gaara said that night, about Shinki being the child he chose, the one that was truly _ his _ through and through, "Especially after what that Lord and the council did to him. Losing that first baby and all."

After going through that, Sasuke didn't think it was too off the mark to assume that Gaara benefited greatly from taking Shinki in, especially after losing a baby not too long ago. 

He doesn't notice that both Temari and Kankuro have gone silent - absorbed in his own thoughts about what he's been told - until she speaks again, sounding shocked. Kankuro is just staring at him with a look of disbelief.

"He...he told you about that?" She breathes, eyes wide, "_ Gaara?" _

Kankuro's brows furrow, "All of it?"

Sasuke blinks at them, nodding, "...He did."

They look so surprised that he thinks he may have said something wrong, until he remembers that Gaara said he hasn't even told Temari or Kankuro the entire story. Their reaction suddenly makes sense.

"I...wow." she says, "Gaara doesn't tell anyone anything. Especially not things like..."

Sasuke doesn't know what to say to that. 

She shakes herself out of it, gathering herself, "Sorry, it's just…"

"I get it." Sasuke says, running his hand through his hair, looking away, "He's a private person."

"Yeah." She says, still looking a bit surprised, then she opens and closes her mouth, like she has more to say but can't quite get the words out yet.

"I...never wanted him to feel like he had to do something like that for me." Temari says, looking so raw and sad for a moment, "I never wanted him to feel like he had to do anything that hurt himself so _ badly _ to make me happy. He has a lot of guilt about his past, and he's a bit too selfless. It can be a...not great combination, sometimes. He always feels like he has to make it up to everyone for how he was...before, even at the cost of himself." She says, "I worry for him. Always will."

"He knows." Sasuke says, "He just didn't want to worry you."

Temari looks at her hands, "Yeah. I know."

The moment breaks when Gaara returns, smelling like Shinki's bubble bath and toothpaste.

"Are you two interrogating him?" Gaara asks, eyes narrowed at his siblings.

Kankuro snorts, "You're just in time. We were just gonna start taking blood samples from him."

Sasuke snorts.

Gaara glares at his brother.

"I'm sorry for any strange behavior these two have exhibited." Gaara says, elbowing Kankuro in the ribs. The puppeteer looks indignant.

"Look, we weren't being rude to your boyfr-"

Gaara elbows him harder. Temari snickers and Gaara shoots her a weak glare.

"You two are always harassing my friends." Gaara says, sounding a lot less like a Kazekage and a lot more like an annoyed little brother.

It's actually pretty funny, watching the three of them. Sasuke doesn't talk much, but watching them interact is highly entertaining. Apart they're all upstanding shinobi, but together they're a bunch of children. 

But eventually it's dark and Sasuke remembers he has a cat to feed, so Gaara walks him to the door and gives him an apologetic look.

"I'm sorry if they said anything that made you uncomfortable-" Gaara starts.

Sasuke shakes his head, managing a small smile, "They didn't, it's alright. It was...it was nice."

Gaara looks surprised for a moment, before nodding in relief.

"Okay. I'm - that's good."

"I'm sorry about earlier." Sasuke says, looking away as embarrassment settles back in, "I don't know what happened, or what set me off in that shop, I just-"

"You don't have anything to apologize for." Gaara says, "Really."

"I got blood all over you-"

"It's nothing, Sasuke." Gaara assures him, "Don't worry about it."

Sasuke takes a breath and nods, looking at his bandaged hand.

" How does it feel?" Gaara asks, and it takes him a moment to realize the omega means his stitches.

"Oh, it's...it's better. Thanks for stitching me up."

"You don't have to thank me." Gaara says, "Really, it's okay."

"Still." Sasuke says, "You calmed me down back there. It helped. Thanks."

"Then you're welcome."

* * *

* * *

* * *

Kankuro glances at Temari from where they watch through the crack of the front door, listening to their brother and the Uchiha talk. Temari nudges him out of the way to get a better look, and he grumbles before she puts her finger over her lips, glaring.

'Shut up!' she mouths, 'You'll get us caught!'

'Move your chunky ass over then!' Kankuro mouths back, nudging her away from the door to look, 'I wanna see.'

They nudge at each other for a bit - glaring and silently bickering - until they can both peer through. They stay there for a few minutes, just watching and listening until they can slip away unnoticed. It's when they tiptoe back to the kitchen that Temari finally sighs and looks at her brother, brows furrowing in thought.

"I think this is heading somewhere more than this friendship they're claiming it is." Temari says, peering at the front door to make sure Gaara was still outside with Sasuke and not hearing their conversation.

"Duh. That's what I thought too, that's why I wrote you and told you about it, but...isn't he married?" Kankuro asks, "Isn't that what Shikamaru said?"

"I've been thinking about that. And honestly, I really don't think so. Or rather. Not _ really." _ Temari murmurs, thinking.

"The hell does _ that _ mean?"

"I _ mean, _ have you ever heard Sasuke talk about Sakura Haruno at _ all? _ He's never with her, and whenever I see her she's alone. Maybe with Ino Yamanaka, but never with _ Sasuke. _ It's like he avoids her, or something."

"Who the hell is Ino?" Kankuro asks, raising an eyebrow.

"The blond girl? Whatever-" Temari says, rolling her eyes, "The point is, maybe they're married on _ paper _ but I don't think they're... _ together _ , you know? They're too distant, and Sasuke doesn't seem interested in seeing her. _ Ever. _ He doesn't even go back to the Leaf unless he has to. And even then, Shikamaru says he only gives mission reports to Naruto. He never stops to see her. It's like he doesn't want to be around her, or something. And all of a sudden he's spending all this time with Gaara? Suddenly signing up to change villages, presumably to stay close to him? I mean, even Shinki talks about Sasuke."

"I...yeah, actually. That makes sense. And when we were kids he seemed annoyed by Haruno, more than anything." Kankuro says, thinking, "And Gaara actually _ talks _ to him. I mean, he told Sasuke about the miscarriage. He didn't even want to tell _ us _ about that. Do...do you remember when we found him? In the bathroom that day? He was all bloody and sick and it nearly gave us a heart attack."

"Yeah. He was fucking miscarrying _ as _ we busted the door down, and even then it took almost _ two hours _ to coax the story out of him."

She frowns, remembering finding their little brother pale and shaking on the bathroom floor, bleeding and trying to clean the blood with a towel and insisting he was fine. That he didn't need help, and that they shouldn't worry themselves with him. Temari's heart almost gave out. There was so much blood, and Gaara looked so weak, sick and depressed. His eyes were red, like he'd been crying. 

She doesn't like remembering it. She knows Kankuro doesn't either. They'd had no idea about anything that Gaara was dealing with at the time. 

He'd been quiet lately, and seemed a bit tired and there were times when he'd suddenly look so _ sad, _ but he simply insisted he was fine and changed the subject, no matter how much they pried and begged him to confide in them. And then when they found him in the bathroom and learned that he'd been forced, assaulted and was now losing a baby he was never meant to have, she'd been furious. Kankuro had blown up, too.

She and Kankuro took care of the Lord who hurt their little brother, in the end. To this day they still hadn't found him. Or the body. They'd handled it quick and clean, leaving no evidence or leads, though she guessed that the council suspected they were involved in the pervert's so-called 'mysterious disappearance'.

It was a pact that Temari and Kankuro made that night, when they finally got the truth out of Gaara. He'd been asleep between them - tear tracks on his cheeks and his stomach hollow and aching - as Temari pet his hair and Kankuro paced like an angry lion, wanting to rip apart everyone responsible.

"I don't know the extent of how close they are, but...Sasuke even talks to Gaara differently than he talks to anyone else. Have you noticed? It's...softer." Temari says, pushing the memory to the back of her mind.

Kankuro wrinkles his nose, "Gross."

"Don't be immature." She says, "You and Kiba are just as mushy."

"Fine, fine." He sighs, "Yeah, I...I noticed that too."

"So, now what?"

"I don't know. I mean, something is obviously going on between them, plus...Sasuke's an alpha so…" Kankuro bites his lip, reaching for the sake on the counter, "I mean, I talked to Sasuke a little bit about it, but that was a while ago. I don't think he really realizes what's happening between them either."

"And Gaara definitely doesn't." Temari says, "I guess we'll just have to watch and see where this goes."

Kankuro pours them both a drink, "Fuck, I guess. What if this goes bad?"

"Then we step in. But until then, if they don't realize anything yet then what can we do?"

"Yeah, you're right."

Gaara steps back into the kitchen then, glancing at his siblings. 

"Are you two drinking all of my sake again?" He asks, removing his coat and placing it on the back of a chair, oblivious to the fact that they were talking about him just a moment before.

"Might as well." Temari grins, moving to ruffle his hair before he can duck away, "It's not like _ you _ drink it."

Gaara huffs and pats his hair down, "I should check on Shinki."

"Go on, mother hen."

He sighs at his sister's teasing, making his way down the hallway. Kankuro moves to pour himself another glass, and Temari pinches his arm.

"Ow! What the hell?!"

"_ That's _ for calling me chunky earlier."

"I was _ joking!" _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few things. I love the sand siblings. Gaara is a mother hen. Sasuke and gaara are in love they're both just fucking stupid. Shinki is cute. Temari? Queen. Kankuro? Chaotic and perfect. Temari and kank totally killed the Lord that assaulted their brother, and it was awesome. I love this family. Thanks 
> 
> Unbetad as usual. If anything is wrong I'll fix it over the course of a few days when I get the time. This chapter is so long my brain hurts. Ok stay safe y'all bye
> 
> Lmk whatcha think!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of sexual assault

Sasuke doesn't go seeking out Gaara the next day,though he sort of wants to. He remembers Gaara saying Temari just arrived for a visit, and he doesn't want to intrude. His mind keeps replaying Gaara hugging him during his meltdown at the store yesterday.

Sasuke's hand is healing nicely. He makes a note to thank Gaara again.

* * *

* * *

* * *

He wakes in a cold sweat, with an invisible weight on his chest. He gets up, compulsively checks his windows and locks, checking for all of the minor weapons he's stashed around the house. He hears a crash outside that sets him off for an hour, skin buzzing with anxiety. 

He doesn't go out, feeling odd, shaky and disconnected in a way he can't quite explain. He _ attempts _ to read, but he can't seem to absorb any of the material, either staring at the page blankly or reading the same sentence over and over again. His head feels like a dense fog all day long. 

He completely forgets to eat, and he finds himself having lost his already minimal appetite anyway, so he guesses it's not a problem. He barely remembers to feed the cat, and that doesn't help him feel any better. The little nuisance would probably be better off with someone else. Someone who doesn't completely zone out and nearly forgets she exists for hours at a time. 

Sasuke frowns at the feline as she eats. Maybe he should give it to someone. Maybe the old woman downstairs?

The only thing that stops him is the fact that Sarada would enjoy having the kitten around. So Sasuke had to try to take better care of the thing. 

Sasuke can barely take care of _ himself. _

He's aware this could just be a bad day, and his brain could just be lying to him as usual, but he isn't sure.

* * *

* * *

* * *

It's like Sasuke's mind is beginning the long process of self-destructing. Like the closer it got to Sarada's arrival, the more his mind started to panic and _ unwind. _ It was awful timing, but for some reason his mind doesn't recognize that and _ stop _ like Sasuke so desperately _ wanted _ it to. The last few days have been spent feeling slightly off-center and like something was _ chasing _ him. It's awful. Sasuke can barely sleep.

The next night he has a nightmare that starts off with finding his parents after the massacre - _ dead, _ lying in a puddle of their mixed blood, his mother's eyes unseeing and _ staring _ \- and ends with Orochimaru on top of him and ignoring his screams and pain. 

It's the most vivid dream he's had in a very, _ very _ long time. He can feel _ everything _ \- every tug between his legs, the blood, and every bruise pressed into his thighs - and to his disgust and shame, Sasuke wakes up with his body having betrayed him and _ reacted, _ just like back then.

Sasuke wakes half hard with vomit in his mouth, stomach burning in revulsion and mortification - face coloring in self-loathing.

Disgust slams into him, along with the slimy feeling of shame and _ being watched. _ He can still somehow feel _ eyes _ on him. 

The confusion in his body doesn't help. That just makes the self-hate burn _ brighter. _He throws up for fifteen minutes, his arm burning and shame turning in his stomach, hot and corrosive.

It's been happening for years, the nightmares that leave him sick and and shaky. He's never told anyone about them, but they're just as persistent as they always have been. Which Sasuke finds ridiculous. Shouldn't he be over that already? It was years ago, and it wasn't the _ only _ unpleasant thing that's ever happened to Sasuke, so why couldn't he just _ forget _ it? Shouldn't it be lost in the sea of _ other _ unpleasant shit? He's frustrated with himself, most of all.

But then again, Sasuke couldn't forget _ anything. _He still remembers every pore on his brother's face. Every stray hair slipping from his mother's ponytail when she saw him off for school on the morning of the day that his brother would murder her. He remembers the smell of his father's pipe like he smoked it to this day.

So of course he'd remember every detail of Orochimaru on top of him. 

Sasuke's mouth tastes like bile and he pants on his bathroom floor - sweaty, breathless and feeling like every inch of his skin is something absolutely _ revolting _ \- his tangled hair sticking to his face.

Why couldn't he just shove it back? What was wrong with him? Was this _ normal? _ It couldn't be. Was his life just going to be reliving nightmares until he _ died? _ If so, what was even the _ point? _

He spends that day listlessly staring at his bedroom wall. The cat paws at him and curls up in his lap as Sasuke's mind completely vacates his body, but he finds he can't even lift his hand to pet her. It's like his body is so heavy, and he can't move. Something is pressing on his _ lungs _ and it's like he can't get a deep breath all day no matter how hard he tries. 

He feels like he's wading through a thick, grey fog. So thick he can hardly breathe. He spends the day thinking he'll start to suffocate any moment now. 

Sasuke shuts down and loses time, and by the time he checks back in it's early morning the next day. 3 in the morning, to be precise.

Sasuke's exhausted, hungry and _ nauseous _ but is hesitant to go to sleep. He looks at his bed from his place on the floor in the corner of his bedroom, but he can't find it in himself to crawl into bed and even attempt to try. 

For what? More nightmares?

He half-heartedly tries reading for a while, but he can't concentrate. He feels like static. Unsettled. He looks at the small clock that glows in the dim light. Gaara helped him pick it out. 

3 am.

Sasuke stands, feeling restless and anxious. The cat blinks at him, ears perked up and watching him curiously. Sasuke wrenches the door open and steps outside, inhaling the night air. 

This is better - so far. The night is freezing, but he barely feels it. Hardly anyone is on the streets, and that helps. He can be alone in the fresh air. 

Sasuke takes a deep breath, burying the thoughts of the nightmares. He takes another breath and starts to walk. 

His shoes kick at rocks, the steel-toed boots crushing stones under his feet as he sinks into his thoughts. He's not contemplating anything in particular, happy that after his mind running in circles all day that his head is finally blissfully empty and detached for the moment.

He'll take what he can get.

He walks, making a few turns down some empty streets, avoiding anyone he can see coming towards him. That is, until he spots a figure in red.

A _ familiar _ figure sitting on an old swing in a small residential square not far from the Kazekage mansion, his eyes downcast and leaning on one side of the chain, lost in thought. He doesn't look completely sad, just... contemplative.

Sasuke takes a step closer.

"Gaara?" 

The man jumps about a foot in the air, clearly lost in his own thoughts and unaware he was approaching. Gaara's sand reacts accordingly to his surprise, rushing to partially shield him. 

Green eyes blink at him in mild shock, until he seems to shake himself out of it. The sand melts away, swirling into the sky.

His hair is a bit tousled, like he'd tried sleeping and simply couldn't do it. Sasuke wonders if he looked the same. It seemed like his own hair was a mess more often than not these days. Sasuke stopped bothering trying to deal with it long ago.

"Sasuke." Gaara says, eyes wide, "Why're you out this late?"

Gaara's not in his usual coat, just a simple long sleeve shirt and pants. 

He looks smaller without it, Sasuke thinks once again.

"...can't sleep." Sasuke says, "What about you?"

Gaara fidgets, frowning.

"I can't sleep either. I usually...just come out here to get some air." 

Sasuke looks at him, taking in the dark circles around bright green eyes, "Hn…You okay?"

"I think so." He says, honest as usual, "You?"

"I think so." Sasuke says, glancing at him, "I think I remember Naruto mentioning you had trouble sleeping."

Gaara frowns. Sasuke tries not to stare.

"I- ah -" Gaara starts, looking lost for a moment, "I suppose he meant the Shukaku."

The Shukaku...

Sasuke knew the man used to house the One Tail - was a jinchuruki, like Naruto - but what he knew of that was...limited. 

He supposed Naruto knew, but again, Sasuke hadn't asked. He _ remembers _ Gaara beginning to transform into the tailed beast during their fight when they were kids, after the chunin exams had been interrupted, but eventually Sasuke had passed out, and from what he was told, Naruto took over. Sasuke only knew bits and pieces, really.

"The tailed beast."

"Yes." Gaara says, "He was always awake, and didn't seem very keen on letting me sleep either. I suppose some habits are tough to break."

"So you...didn't sleep?" Sasuke asks, frowning at the lanterns in the distance.

"I couldn't. He threatened to kill me if I did." Gaara says quietly, staring at something far away, "I had no choice. I only started sleeping when I was...fifteen? I think? Anyway, I don't think I'm used to it yet."

Sasuke just blinks at him for a moment. He didn't sleep for 15 _ years? _ He tries to imagine being awake all the time. Never being able to _ rest _ or _ reset. _ Never getting a break, or getting to disconnect.

He remembers basically exploding on Sai when he woke him up in Orochimaru's hideout all those years ago, when Team 7 was looking for him. He'd been so livid that he'd blown up part of the Sannin's lair. Sleep had been the only reprieve he'd gotten from Orochimaru's hands and "training", and he didn't appreciate being woken up. 

Going without sleep for so long... Sasuke has an explanation for Gaara's erratic behavior when he was a child, then.

What a nightmare. How could anyone live like that? Especially a child? No wonder Gaara was twitching and talking to people that weren't there by the time Sasuke met him when they were kids.

"That's…" Sasuke starts, "_ Torture." _

Gaara laughs quietly, but it's different from the few times Sasuke's heard it before. It's sharp, bitter. Not angry, just... frustrated.

"I guess so." He says. Eyes hazy. He looks very tired. Sasuke guesses he does too.

That also explained the man's height. Or lack thereof. No sleep probably stunted his growth a fair bit. Sasuke's brain randomly chooses that moment to wonder whether any of it was because he was also an omega. 

Sasuke pushes the thought away. 

"Are you...sleeping more now, at least?" Sasuke asks. 

Gaara nods, "Thankfully."

"Good." 

Sasuke's quiet for a moment, and Gaara looks up at him from where he sits on the swing.

"Are you alright?" Gaara asks, "You look...a bit…"

"Like shit?" Sasuke offers. It was true. He did.

_ "Troubled." _ Gaara finishes.

Sasuke isn't sure what to say. 

"Just-" he starts, looking at his bandaged hand, "Nightmares. Flashbacks. Things like that."

Gaara nods, looking away, "I understand. Is there anything I can do?"

For some reason that question, while innocent, makes Sasuke's face go blazing hot. He's thankful for the dark at the moment, and that the glow from the village's lanterns cast a slightly red glow over everything anyway.

Gaara looks up at him expectantly, and Sasuke blanks for a few seconds. For a flash of a second, a stupidly _ ridiculous _ second, he thinks about asking for another hug. As soon as he thinks of it he shoves it away. Why was that his first thought? 

"A distraction, then." Gaara says, standing up. The swing sways as he lets go of the chain. 

Sasuke runs his hand through his hair, looking at the ground. Usually he could look at Gaara _ without _ his face going hot, but sometimes he just _ couldn't, _ and this is clearly one of those times.

It doesn't help when Gaara's fingers close around his sleeve and tugs, trying to get his attention. Sasuke briefly entertains the thought of just taking the man's hand (it's not like they _ haven't _ held hands before, and that was...normal for friends, right?), but then Gaara gives him that tiny smile again, and Sasuke can't think at _ all. _

"Come on." Gaara says, turning around and heading down the street, like he wasn't causing Sasuke to completely fucking malfunction, somehow.

Sasuke follows, obviously.

* * *

* * *

* * *

It's a tea house. More like a small stall, really. Sasuke leaves the ordering to Gaara, and in a few minutes they're both holding steaming cups of very pleasantly fragrant tea. Sasuke doesn't notice how cold it is outside until he has the warmth in his hand. 

It's still fascinating to him how cool such a warm place could get once the sun went down. 

They continue walking down the quiet, lantern-lit streets, no particular destination in mind. Just taking in the stillness of the village during early morning. 

The tea is good - not too sweet, either. He doesn't think he's ever had it before.

"Thanks." Sasuke says. He feels a bit calmer.

"Eventually it should put you to sleep. It even helps me, a little bit." Gaara says, "My mother used to make this all the time for Temari and Kankuro, I'm told." 

Sasuke looks at him, concealing the fact that he's staring from behind his hair. He's never heard Gaara say anything about his mother. He's curious about the man again.

"What was she like?" He finds himself asking, grateful for the distraction.

Gaara looks a bit surprised by the question at first, but he thinks for a moment.

"People loved her. She looked a bit like Temari." Gaara says, "She wasn't a ninja, but my uncle was. They were twins. I've never met her, so I only know what I've been told."

"You never met her?"

"She died a few seconds after having me." Gaara says, and Sasuke is suddenly feeling guilty that he asked. He looks at the ground, frowning.

"Sorry, I-"

"Don't feel bad for asking. It's fine." Gaara says. When Sasuke looks up he can see Gaara looking at him, slightly amused, "You didn't do anything wrong."

Sasuke catches his eye and can't look away for a moment, but then he nods, frowning at his shoes again. 

"What was your family like?" Gaara asks.

Sasuke feels his heart clench painfully at the question. What does he say? How _ much _ does he say?

"I'm sorry. I didn't fully think my question through before I asked it. You don't have to say anything. I'm sorry, I know it's complicated."

Gaara looks troubled, and Sasuke registers his words a beat too late. 

"Oh. No, it's...it's fine." Sasuke says, "I was just thinking about what to say."

He's quiet for a moment, simply trying not to be sad. 

"My brother was one of the top ninjas of the clan from very young. He was a genius. My father was always proud of him. My mother's name was Mikoto. She used to collect books."

He remembers how his mother used to smile at him, reading him stories. Sarada looks a bit like her. 

"So you get it from her." Gaara says. 

Sasuke manages a small, humorless smile, "I guess so." 

They're quiet for a moment, until Sasuke gets curious again.

"What was your father like?"

Gaara fidgets, looking at his tea. The omega thinks for a moment.

"I don't know what he was really like. I only know what he showed me. And he...didn't like me very much." Gaara says, "He always kept me at arm's length - he only made me to serve as a weapon for Suna, to be the Shukaku's jinchuuriki - but when I was about five he knew I couldn't control the tailed beast, so he just stopped interacting with me. He put my uncle in charge of my care instead. I never really knew him."

Sasuke looks at him, surprised.

That's…

Fucking _ terrible, _ actually.

"He sounded like a monster." Sasuke says without thinking. 

But it was true.

Gaara shrugs, and the action looks foreign on him. His eyes are a bit far away, and Sasuke finds himself staring again.

"I was used to it." Gaara says, "Everyone ran from me back then."

He says it so casually, like it's the weather and not the entire village hating a child for something he didn't choose and couldn't control.

Sasuke has that strange urge to take his hand again, but he refrains.

Gaara goes quiet for a long moment, and Sasuke tries not to stare once more.

"It's good you have Kankuro and Temari. And Shinki." Sasuke says after a moment.

Gaara seems to recover a bit, nodding. "I'm very grateful for them."

"They're protective of you. That's good." Sasuke says, "My brother was…"

At the mention of his brother Sasuke feels himself start to curl away at the edges, like the memories were too much for his subconscious to even _ touch. _

"Sasuke…"

"I'm okay." He says, shaking himself out of it.

"You can tell me whatever you want. Or nothing at all." Gaara says, eyes on him, "You know it's okay right, Sasuke?"

But he finds himself poking at the memories, almost like he _wants_ to talk about it. Everyone always tiptoed around the topic of his brother when they spoke to him, but Gaara didn't do that. He simply would listen if Sasuke wanted to speak.

And something in him reaches for that. The fact that someone is willing to listen to him tell his side of the story. Completely.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke tells him everything about his brother, and once he starts it's like he couldn't stop talking even if he wanted to. He never got to lay his brother's life out for somebody like this. He's distantly aware he's rambling and the words have gotten away from him, but he can't control it for some reason. It's like his every thought was pouring out of his mouth.

This never happens to him. Sasuke usually kept things so close to the chest that no one ever knew the little details that comeplete Sasuke's story. People often judged him without knowing the details. But Gaara was _ listening _ to him.

Sasuke can clearly see every memory he recalls behind his eyelids. Itachi standing over their parents, his sword red with blood. His words. Him breaking Sasuke's wrist and knocking him out. Telling him to kill his closest friend for the sake of strength. Sasuke having to relive the murder of his clan for what felt like days. Being in a coma. Fighting his brother. Seeing him dead in the rain afterward, blood in his mouth and eyes cold. His brother's confession as the edo tensei lifted.

Thoughts of Itachi are always at the back of Sasuke's mind. It was like his big brother was still watching him. Still one step ahead, and not telling Sasuke a _ thing. _Just like old times.

When he finishes he feels an odd lightness. Or he could be lightheaded and about to have another panic attack. He isn't exactly sure. 

Remembering it all at once leaves Sasuke feeling very, very tired. Not physically, but more like a weariness down to his bones. A sort of tired that can't be fixed with sleep. But he feels something lift ever so slightly now that he's said everything.

He doesn't notice Gaara's face until he finally catches his eye. The Kazekage looks carefully blank, but Sasuke can read him better than he could months ago. 

He can see the slight distress on Gaara's features.

"Your brother did that to you?" Gaara asks, looking shaken. 

Sasuke isn't sure what to say for a moment. He thinks back and wonders how it all sounds from Gaara's perspective. He guesses on the outside it seems like his brother was cruel. 

It...was true that they weren't all the best memories, but...Itachi did it all for a reason. He had to make Sasuke strong. He had to hurt him to keep him safe because he loved him. 

Right? 

That was how Sasuke always explained it away in his head.

"I...well, I-he had a reason." Sasuke says, avoiding Gaara's eyes.

The omega opens his mouth and then closes it, obviously rethinking what he wants to say. Sasuke takes a sip of his previously forgotten tea that he still holds in his hand. It's cold.

After a moment Gaara speaks.

"With all due respect, Sasuke...whether his intentions were noble or not doesn't change that he inflicted what sounds like very severe trauma that you're most likely still recovering from. All of that...must have been very painful for you to go through." Gaara says, frowning deeply.

Sasuke doesn't know how to respond to that. Mostly because he didn't expect that response. He expected Gaara to call his brother a hero, like everyone else who knew the complete story did. 

After a while, Sasuke understood where he stood in relation to his brother. Sasuke made all the _ wrong _ choices. He was the _ bad _ one. The one who couldn't keep it - _ any _ of it - together. Itachi was the genius. The selfless one who sacrificed his name, home, family... everything, for the sake of peace. And sure the things he did to Sasuke _ hurt _ (so _ badly, _ even now) and scrambled his (already wounded) brain like nothing else, but...that didn't _ matter, _ right? Maybe Sasuke deserved it. Itachi had a reason for everything he did. For manipulating Sasuke how he had.

That should be enough. Right?

But...well, maybe…

"I just mean…" Gaara says, quietly, "Hurting you shouldn't have been a part of his _ plan. _ You didn't deserve that. Forcing you through hardship shouldn't have been how he chose to make you strong. Pain doesn't always make people resilient, sometimes it just _ hurts. _ Family shouldn't do that."

Sasuke's brain goes blank at those words, trying to fully comprehend what they mean. He didn't deserve it? How did Sasuke not deserve it? How can Gaara say that?

"That's just...not what family should do to each other. I don't mean to say he was a bad person, I'm sure he loved you very much, and we're all only human. It sounds like you two had nice memories as well. But...you shouldn't have had to deal with someone you loved and trusted putting you through that." Gaara adds after a brief silence. Sasuke just holds his drink and feels like his brain has hit a standstill.

Sasuke knew Itachi was right, he just accepted it. After he died and Sasuke learned the truth, he simply accepted that Itachi's actions were for the greater good. Did Sasuke wish (especially as a child) that Itachi didn't mentally torture him with the endless loop of their clan's murder? _ Sure. _ But Itachi had a reason. It was all for Sasuke's own good. 

Sasuke was too weak to achieve anything on his own. He needed his brother being cruel to him to make him strong. Right?

Now that he thinks about it. That reasoning sounds slightly insane. Something is _ wrong _ with his logic here, but he doesn't know what.

But here was Gaara telling him that Itachi was _ wrong _ to hurt him. 

_ No one's ever said that to him before. _

Sasuke didn't know what to do about it. 

"I'm sorry. I... I shouldn't have said that so harshly." Gaara says, "I tend to be overly blunt sometimes, I apologize. Are you...are you okay?"

"No, it's fine. I'm okay. I...I just don't really know what to say." Sasuke says, "I try not to think about my brother, really."

Gaara nods, "That's alright. It sounds like...a lot is going on in your head right now. I don't mean to add to it."

Sasuke looks at him, just studying Gaara's expression. Then he catches himself and turns his attention to his boots. 

"Hm." 

Gaara is silent for a moment, "Is that what was keeping you awake?"

Sasuke frowns at the ground, shaking his head. His hair brushes against his neck and he nearly jumps out of his skin. He forces himself to keep it together.

"No, it...was a nightmare about something else." Sasuke says quietly, "... Orochimaru."

Gaara nods, slow and thoughtful.

"You'll never have to see him again." Gaara says.

Sasuke nods after a moment, finding himself repeating the words in his head over and over again. It helps a bit, actually.

He's taken out of his head when he hears the omega speak again.

"Since we're awake," Gaara says suddenly, "We have somewhere to be. We should hurry before we miss it."

Sasuke looks at him, a question in his eyes. He knows it's Gaara's way of distracting him from his unpleasant thoughts, but it's working. Somehow Gaara was good at that. Well, that and getting Sasuke to spill his soul every now and again. Sasuke was finding that he didn't really mind that. Talking to Gaara was somewhat... relieving.

Gaara doesn't bother to elaborate, simply tugging Sasuke's sleeve again. And once more, Sasuke entertains the thought of taking his hand.

He thinks about it the entire time Gaara leads him up and onto the wall surrounding the village, facing the north. The wall is all clay and rock, sturdy enough to stand on. Gaara sits right at the edge, facing the desert.

"What're we doing?" Sasuke asks, taking a place beside him.

Gaara points to the horizon and says, "Give it a second."

He does.

Sasuke realizes what's going on as the earth is slowly enveloped in the blazing orange of the rising desert sun.

The _ sunrise _.

Sasuke watches the sky go red, then orange, streaks of pink dashed across the sky stretched wide over the vast expanse of the desert as the sun inches higher and higher.

It's an explosion of _ color, _ and Sasuke can feel the desert heating up once again. He can't take his eyes off of it. Thoughts of nightmares dissipate in the warmth of the desert air.

When he can turn from the spectacle, he looks at Gaara.

Green eyes are glued to the colors painted across the sky.

The only thought in Sasuke's head is that Gaara's hair is so much _ redder _ in the light of the early morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke just ask Gaara for a hug dude. He'll give you one, you shy traumatized bastard.
> 
> Anyway I love Itachi, but as an older sibling he gets the bad older sibling award. Sorry I don't make the rules.
> 
> Sorry this is so late this chapter was originally 10k words! I broke it up though thankfully whew.
> 
> Also no beta we die like men


	18. Chapter 18

They say their goodbyes and part.

Sasuke goes home, allows the cat to cuddle into his chest and _ sleeps. _

He has no nightmares for the first time in days.

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke ends up sleeping all throughout that day and through the night. When he finally wakes he's groggy and slow, disoriented from losing consciousness for so long. He guesses that not sleeping for so long made it so it was easy to slip into a small coma when he finally relaxed enough to close his eyes.

Gaara is the first thought that pops up in his sleep-addled brain when he opens his eyes, remembering finding him and talking to him. Drinking tea with him. Watching the sunrise with him. How Gaara seemed to know what to _ say _ and _ do _ to make Sasuke release some of his burdens and _ breathe. _

Sasuke lies in bed, his arm thrown across his eyes to block out the sunshine streaming in through his windows, and sighs. He feels better. Less like something is squeezing his lungs and choking him. He can breathe a little easier.

Something as simple as just confiding in someone could help so much? How was that? 

He told Gaara about his brother. He told him _ everything. _

Aside from the elders and Kakashi, only Naruto knew the whole story about Itachi, but now…

He _ wanted _ to tell Gaara. Something in Sasuke felt like Gaara was a safe person to share those secrets with.

He said his brother shouldn't have hurt him. That...that shouldn't be what family _ did. _ He's _ never _ had anyone say that to him before, and now Sasuke can't stop thinking about it. It's such a new perspective that he isn't sure what to think.

Sasuke considers the idea. He turns it over in his head, trying to figure out what he thinks of that statement. 

_ Family shouldn't hurt you. _

Hm. Seemed sound, didn't it?

Sasuke didn't know all the details of Gaara's relationship with his father, but he assumed Gaara had a similar experience. Being hurt by someone you trusted. Your family. Maybe that's why he knew what to say. What would get _ through _ to Sasuke.

And...well, the thought that he isn't to blame both troubles and relieves him. It means that...it isn't entirely _ his _ fault, but then if he didn't deserve it...well.

Maybe…it was true. Maybe he _ didn't _ deserve it. 

His family was murdered when he was _ seven. _ Now that he thinks about how _ young _ that is, even Sasuke's guilt addled brain can't fully blame himself for his older brother's actions at that young of an age. 

His trusted big brother killed _ everyone _ Sasuke loved, and taunted him, scaring him on purpose to further traumatize him. Even told him that he was so useless he wasn't even worth _ killing. _ Even going so far as to return and kick the shit out of him and torment his mind until he fell into a coma.

That seems like quite a lot for a child. And the _ more _ he thinks about that he can only confront the fact that Gaara was right. What he said made sense. His brother shouldn't have done that to him.

Itachi was wrong. No matter his intentions, there _ had _ to have been another way. Right? 

The _ more _ he thinks about it, the less it all seemed to be his fault and more like he was just lucky to have made it out alive and even relatively _ functional. _

Sasuke made mistakes, of course he did, but...maybe...

He sighs, leaning back on his bed and staring at the ceiling. This is making him tired.

But maybe it was...good to figure some things out. Put some things into perspective. Actually _ face _ the memories and try to reason them out, no matter how much it hurt.

Sasuke usually made an effort to simply not think about the things that happened to him, but that didn't seem to be doing much good for him. Ignoring it all only made it so he broke down at random, suffering panic attacks or flashbacks of something that he's usually trying so hard to suppress. It all came bubbling up _ anyway _. 

Maybe actively confronting his memories would actually provide a measure of peace.

Or at least make him _ understand _ why all that happened. 

And it all seems to go back to Gaara once again. He was the only one who told Sasuke plainly that he could tell him _ whatever _ he wanted. Or nothing at all, if he chose.

Gaara didn't _ judge _ him. He didn't look at Sasuke with any doubt or scorn, or even with pity. Not even when Sasuke himself thought he deserved it.

He went from someone that Sasuke only thought of in relation to Naruto - to someone Sasuke thinks about _ all the time. _ He spends an unreasonable amount of time _ wondering _ about Gaara. What he's doing, where he is…

And he's getting more comfortable with how often he thinks about the redhead. They see each other pretty frequently, so he's never far from Sasuke's mind. 

He used to wonder why he was so hung up on Gaara, but now he rarely questions it.

Now he just wonders why his chest does that _ thing _ it did whenever Gaara smiled at him.

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

He spends the day reading once again. It's not a terrible way to spend time. Sarada is set to arrive in a few days, so Sasuke guesses he'll be busy soon enough. In the meantime he makes sure his daughter's bedroom is set up, thankful for Gaara's help in picking some furniture for her.

They'd agreed that if she didn't like it she could pick out something else, but Sasuke thinks she'll like the red bedframe and dresser he and Gaara found a few days ago. She likes red, at least she _ did _. He hopes that hasn't changed since he's last seen her. Which was...a year ago? Longer, maybe?

The thought upsets him, so he tries not to ruminate on it. He wonders if she'll like it here. It was nothing like Konoha. The two villages had two completely different ways of doing things. Konoha was crowded, green and bursting with color. Suna was very different. Down to the pale pink buildings and greenery that grew on them. It was colorful, but a bit more….settled. Sasuke hasn't really spoken to anyone yet - and probably wouldn't for a while considering his comfort zone seemed to be Gaara and his family for now - but he could see the culture was very different here. It was a breath of fresh air for Sasuke, but how would _ Sarada _ like it?

Would she be upset to leave her friends and her mother to stay in a new place with a father she hasn't seen for almost a quarter of her short life? Sasuke hopes that thought is just his brain ruining things for him, as usual. The closer it got to her arrival date, the more he worries. Would she like it here? Would she like _ him? _

Sasuke looks around his apartment - now less scarce with Gaara's help - and wonders if a little girl would enjoy living here. What if she hates it? What if she hates _ Sasuke? _

What if Sasuke isn't equipped to take care of her? What if he _ failed? _ What if she ended up hating him and never wanting to spend time with him again? 

He's already failed her so much already -

But...he remembers Gaara saying that children just needed parents who really _ wanted _ to do better. That puts his mind at ease after hours of thinking himself in circles. 

Sasuke _ did _ want to be better. For her. 

That night he gets a hawk from Konoha. He recognizes Naruto's handwriting immediately.

In his usually messy scrawl he's written that Sarada is set to arrive on the 2:30 train from Konoha in three days.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke feels well enough the next day to do some grocery shopping, and he gives the tiny black cat an apologetic pat for being so out of it the last few days before he leaves. He decides to get her something to make up for it, though honestly it doesn't look like the cat holds anything against him anyway. Sasuke guesses that's why people had pets in the first place. Animals didn't judge you.

Sasuke keeps his head down and keeps to himself, quietly thanking shop keepers before moving to the next stall. Thankfully the sun is starting to go down, and he doesn't have to try very hard to avoid any crowds.

He remembers that he can't successfully avoid every social interaction though when he goes to buy some rice at the shop closest to his home.

The woman at the counter looks at him for a moment, then her face lights up in recognition and she grins. Sasuke wonders where the usual gruff old man is. That's who was usually at the counter.

"You're new here." She says, looking at him curiously.

"I...am." Sasuke says, taken aback.

"We don't get too many new people. Especially around here." She says, "What's your name?"

"Sasuke." He says after a moment, unsure how to respond. He was unused to people speaking so casually with him, even still.

Sasuke's social skills still needed work, but they always _ have _. He was never much of a socializer.

"My old man said something about a new, dark-haired broody guy who started buying his rice here. Said he had sad eyes and hid behind his hair all the time." She says, smirking, "I guess he means you!"

Sasuke frowns, unsure what to think. Brooding? Is he? Why do people always call him that? Naruto has called him that, too. He feels a flash of indignation. He's defeated _ gods, _ you know.

"Oh." Sasuke says, dully.

"Don't be mad." She laughs, "Papa is just like that. I'm Yū. Nice to meet ya!"

"Hello." Sasuke says, blinking at her.

"And now that we're friends, lemme give ya an extra scoop, huh?!" She grins, snatching the bag from him and opening it, adding another scoopful of rice before tying it again, "There ya go!"

"Oh, you don't have to-" Sasuke tries.

"You _ are _ such a gloomy little thing!" She grins, "Papa was right! Anyway, don't worry about it. Welcome to Suna!"

Gloomy? Really?

Well, maybe she made some sense. Sasuke can only imagine how he looks. His hair obscuring more than half his face, hanging past his shoulders and a perpetual frown painted on his features. He was paler than usual and had bags under his eyes, _ that _ much he knew. It would take a few more nights of sleep for them to go away. Sasuke tried not to look into the mirror too often (it usually only served to depress him with how tired or dead he looked on any given day), but he was still aware that he looked... exhausted, to say the least. He'd stared at himself in the mirror for an inordinately long time this morning, trying to get his hair to look a bit less insane before giving up. His hair wasn't pin straight like his brother's, or his mother's. Sasuke's hair grew in waves that tangled and flew about his face. They were even more apparent now that his hair was the longest it's ever been. He didn't bother with getting it cut anymore. He really didn't trust anyone close to his face with scissors.

"...Thank you." Sasuke says, frowning and taking the pouch she hands him.

"Sure thing! See ya!" She cheers as he walks away. Sasuke gives her one last curious glance, wondering how some people could be so _ open _ and _ friendly _ like that. To strangers, no less. Naruto was much the same way. Gaara too, actually. Though a lot more quiet and under the surface.

He puts the rice in the bag slung across his hip, zipping it and trying to remember if he needed anything else.

After deciding his list has been taken care of, Sasuke is about to head into another bookstore when he spots Gaara. He's trailing Kankuro and Temari, looking far away as his siblings bicker at the market stalls. Sasuke can't hear them, but Gaara looks completely checked out either way.

Sasuke doesn't give much thought to what he does next.

"Gaara!" He whispers. Thankfully the marketplace isn't too busy, and the man actually hears him. 

Gaara turns, brows furrowed in confusion as he looks for the source of the voice. When he spots Sasuke, he brightens a bit. Sasuke feels himself have a similar reaction. Gaara gestures to his siblings, then seems to mouth 'hang on' before he waits until they've both turned their backs.

Gaara slips away from them and quickly ducks into the bookstore alongside him, peering out the window in the door to make sure he made it away unnoticed. They continue to bicker, oblivious to their little brother's absence for the moment.

Gaara sighs in relief. 

They're pressed close - crammed in the entranced of the small bookstore, shoulder to shoulder. Sasuke's heart starts to pound, though he isn't too sure why.

"You looked like you could use some help." Sasuke says. Gaara gives him a small smile, looking up at him.

"Thanks. They were bickering about _ dogs _, if you can believe it. I thought I was going to lose my mind." 

Sasuke smiles a bit, "I guess it's a good thing I came long then."

Gaara gives him his own small smile for that, and Sasuke feels a lot less tired than he was before he came along.

"Yes. It is." Gaara says. Sasuke feels his face color. 

He forces himself to say the first thing that comes to mind so Gaara doesn't notice.

"I was…looking for more books," Sasuke says, holding up the volume in his hand, "Do you want to-"

Gaara nods, "Of course."

Then something passes in Gaara's eyes.

"Are you alright?" He asks, "Have you been sleeping?"

"A bit better, actually." Sasuke says, "You?"

"I can say the same, thankfully." 

"Good."

They wander the shop for a bit, reading the backs of books and comparing favorites until they're sure that Gaara's siblings are no longer outside the store, then they slip out and down the street. 

They don't really have a destination in mind, they simply walk and make conversation, enjoying each other's company.

Gaara stops them as they move to turn down another market strip, pointing to two figures in the distance.

"Kankuro and Temari." Gaara says, peering around the corner. His siblings are clearly looking for him, eyes scanning the crowd and turning every which way.

Without a thought Sasuke takes his sleeve and pulls him down another street, evading the pair looking for their little brother.

When they're far enough away they slow down, back to simply wandering about. Sasuke's eyes catch on an unfamiliar structure.

"What's that?" He asks, looking at a very, very _ green _ building. He doesn't remember the ANBU telling him about that place during his tour before he moved in.

"Oh, Rock Lee's dojo." Gaara says, sounding proud, "He's opened them all over the hidden villages. I'm told the people like it."

Sasuke blinks at the building. He hasn't even thought about his former classmates in ages. 

"Hn." Sasuke looks at the building, unsure what to feel. Rock Lee, huh?

"That's...good."

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah I…" Sasuke trails off, unsure what to say for a moment, until he gathers his thoughts, watching people come in and out of the building, "I'm guessing it's popular."

"I can't say I spend much time here, so I'm not sure. Kankuro oversaw the construction and business dealings on Lee's behalf. He's here more often than I am." Gaara says, "Taijutsu isn't a particularly strong skill of mine."

Sasuke looks at the building, eyes scanning the ornate green dragon on the door, "You still use mostly ninjutsu, don't you?"

Gaara nods, "Yes. It's what I've always been more comfortable with."

"You should still learn, though. Just in case something happens to your sand." Sasuke says. 

"Lee offered to train me, but as much as I enjoy Lee's company, I'm sure his training would probably be intense enough to kill me." Gaara says, looking troubled.

"I'll train you." Sasuke says, with little thought. What was there to think about? Gaara needed to learn a skill and Sasuke knew that skill very well.

Plus, he remembers Gaara trying to throw a punch when they were children and he can't say he's not a _ little _ worried.

"W-really?" Gaara asks, "You don't have to, Sasuke. It's fine-"

"That's something you should know." Sasuke says, "To keep yourself safe if anything happens."

"Yes, but-" Gaara seems to flounder for a second, thinking of what to say, "I really don't have any affinity for it…"

"All the more reason to practice, isn't it?"

"I...suppose you're right." He says, "But I will warn you, I'm a terrible student and I can't take direction."

"I once had to teach Naruto how to filter water on a mission when we were twelve." Sasuke says gravely, "Nothing can be worse than that, I assure you."

Gaara gives him a sympathetic look, "I'm so sorry you had to go through that."

"Thank you. That day was one tragedy after another." He deadpans.

Gaara lets out a small laugh, and Sasuke smiles, just a bit. It's nice to be able to make light of things with Gaara. As much as he enjoys their more intense talks, he also likes...this, just talking about nothing serious at all. It came just as easily to them.

"Fine. I'll attempt to learn taijutsu again. Just don't be too appalled when I'm as terrible at it as I remember." Gaara says.

"I doubt you're as bad as you think."

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

After almost running into Gaara's siblings on two other streets, Sasuke suggests they hide out in his apartment. He doesn't know what makes him suggest it, but he reasons that they won't catch them there, so why not?

Gaara agrees, clearly thinking the same, and they make their way to Sasuke's corner of the residential district. Gaara looks over the books Sasuke bought that day, and before they know it Sasuke's leading him up the familiar steps and rummaging around for his keys.

Sasuke unlocks the door and steps aside, letting Gaara inside.

The omega looks around, and Sasuke tries not to stare or feel too nervous.

"You say you need help picking things out, but you seem to be doing just fine." Gaara says, eyes roaming the furniture, "You _ do _ like blue."

"Is it too much?" Sasuke asks, frowning.

"No. Not at all. It's very nice. But most importantly," Gaara says, "Do _ you _ like it?"

"I think so."

"Then it's perfect." Gaara tells him. Sasuke thinks that over and decides it...makes sense. He _ is _ the one who lives here.

"I don't know what to do if Sarada hates it, though." Sasuke says, dumping his bag on the couch.

"I don't think she's really going to really be invested in that, Sasuke." Gaara assures him with a small smile, "I'm sure she'll be more occupied with spending time with her father."

Sasuke supposed that made more sense. Maybe he's just nervous at the prospect of his daughter rejecting him, or feeling like she couldn't be comfortable here. Too unlike her mother's home for her to really be at ease. 

"What if she doesn't like living with me?" He wonders aloud, "Why would she? I barely-"

"Sasuke." Gaara says, suddenly in front of him and looking up at him with a steady gaze, placing hands on his shoulders to ground him, "You're overthinking it. It's okay."

Sasuke pauses, Gaara's touch calming him.

"She'll be happy to spend time with her father. Trust me. She won't be thinking about the apartment. Breathe. You're doing fine." Gaara tells him, giving him another reassuring smile.

Sasuke takes a breath. Right. Right. 

"Besides." Gaara says, turning back to the space, "You did well. It looks like a home. She'll be comfortable here."

"Thanks." He says, "Though you did help."

"Only a bit." He concedes.

"You can sit wherever you want." Sasuke says, realizing that Gaara is the first person he's had over since he got here. It was fitting, he supposed.

Gaara's sand quickly removes the kunai hidden under the chair he sits on, obviously deeming the weapon too dangerous to be near the redhead. The sand immediately moves it to the counter and out of the Kazekage's reach. 

Sasuke picks it up, looking at the sand that swirls around the Kazekage. 

Interesting. At least Gaara's shield was thorough. Sasuke doubts Gaara even knew it was there, but his sand obviously did.

"Sorry. My shield can be a bit too overprotective sometimes." 

"It's fine. I'll hide it somewhere else."

"Hide it?" Gaara asks.

"They're hidden around the house." Sasuke says, "Just in case."

Gaara nods, understanding on his face though he frowns after a moment, "You know you don't have to do that. You're safe, Sasuke."

"Until I'm not." He says simply.

"Well, yes. That is _ technically _ true, but…" Gaara stops for a moment, thinking, "Oh. Is - no one here is bothering you, right Sasuke?"

He's confused for a moment until he realizes Gaara's asking if anyone here is hurting him - the Kazekage's response to Sasuke's constant vigilance and weapons hidden around his home. He probably thought Sasuke was being threatened by someone and just not saying anything about it.

"Oh. No." Sasuke shakes his head, hair falling in his face, "Everything's okay."

Once again, Gaara is concerned for him and Sasuke isn't _ completely _ sure what to do with it, but it's progressively getting _ easier _ to accept that the redhead clearly cares about him, and what that means. It meant that he _ would _ want to know if someone here was making Sasuke uncomfortable.

The Kazekage had nothing to worry about, but Sasuke finds himself appreciating the consideration anyway.

"You're sure?"

And there it is again. 

"Yeah, I'm fine." Sasuke says, flushing the slightest bit, "It's nothing like that. Really. Just...habits, I guess."

"Alright." Gaara says, accepting as usual, "I understand that. If it makes you feel safe then I suppose I have nothing to worry about."

Sasuke nods and then looks away, trying to convince himself that he's not trying to hide his red face behind his hair even though he definitely _ is. _

"Thanks for...caring enough to ask, though." He says quietly, face reddening further.

"Of course." Gaara says.

And that's the end of it.

The thought that Gaara worries about him makes that place in his chest tighten and _ squeeze, _ and he doesn't know how to respond to it.

Sasuke appreciates the inherent trust Gaara seems to have in him, though. Gaara helped Sasuke a lot, but it was like he didn't doubt that Sasuke was completely capable of taking care of _ himself _ as well. Even when he didn't fully understand, Gaara didn't tell him he was wrong. If that was how he felt comfortable, Gaara accepted it. 

They move on to talking about books once more as they get settled on Sasuke's couch before the cat finally wakes from whatever corner of the house she's been sleeping in and wanders over to Gaara, meowing for attention.

"She's cute." Gaara says, patting the cat's head. The feline immediately reaches for his hand with her paws and pushes her head back into his palm, wanting more head pats.

"A little nuisance, more like." Sasuke says, raising an eyebrow at the cat. She leaps into Gaara's arms, looking happy with the attention.

"Have you named her yet?"

"I thought I'd let Sarada pick."

"She'd like that." 

"I thought so."

"From the stories you tell I expected a little hellraiser." Gaara says, scratching the cat behind the ears, "Not this affectionate little thing."

"She's only acting like an angel because you're here." Sasuke says, "Usually she's on the counter trying to get into the cabinets."

"Really? But she seems so sweet." Gaara says, and the cat blinks big black eyes up at the Kazekage before she snuggles back into his arms, starting to purr.

Sasuke narrows his eyes at the ball of fur (and maybe he's slightly jealous of the feline, but he doesn't think about it) and frowns.

Sasuke gently pokes at the cat's nose, "Don't pretend to be so innocent. He already knows how you chew the curtains and go through the trash can."

She only sneezes in response.

Gaara laughs again, and Sasuke finds himself smiling a bit. 

They read at Sasuke's place for a bit, sitting close on the couch with the cat between them. Sometimes their hands touch as they pet her, and Sasuke shoves his face in his book to hide the heat that explodes in his face each time.

He notices that no matter how many times their hands touch, neither of them stop or react. The cat is just thrilled to get so many back scratches, and refuses to move.

Gaara offers to make them dinner once the sun goes down. Sasuke doesn't mind that at all, and so he trails Gaara around the kitchen helping with whatever the omega tasks him with. 

They make miso soup and noodles, side by side as they move around the kitchen, talking. 

Sasuke makes sure the water doesn't bubble over and tells Gaara about the nosy-but-well-meaning shopkeeper he met today. Gaara chops the vegetables and tells him about what Kankuro and Temari were bickering about, sounding fondly exasperated.

The smell of warm food and easy, light-hearted conversation makes the house feel a bit more comfortable. This might be the most comfortable he's felt in this apartment since he got here.

Something about being side by side with Gaara relaxes him, and makes it all feel...easy, somehow. 

Sasuke isn't sure how to articulate it, but it's...good.

The cat darts around their feet as they set Sasuke's small table, and Gaara waves the little thing away from the soup, smiling lightly. They sit down to eat, continuing their conversation as they give in and feed her scraps from the table.

They take care of the dishes together, side by side. Gaara washes and Sasuke dries as the cat lounges on the counter next to them, lazily pawing at the soap suds.

When they finish they spend some time just entertaining the cat with the mouse toy Sasuke bought her that day and talking until the sun sets completely and the village lanterns are lit. They're in the middle of discussing some immigration plans Gaara's working on when they're interrupted.

The knock at the door is a surprise, but Gaara just frowns at the scent he can pick up from behind the door. It's not one Sasuke recognizes, but Gaara seems to. He goes right up to the door and looks through the peephole.

"ANBU." He says, opening it. Sasuke wanders closer, curious.

The woman is tall, and bows to the Kazekage before she speaks.

"Lord Gaara. We've finally located you. Lady Temari and Lord Kankuro were worried."

Gaara frowns, "Why? I'm an adult. I'm fine."

"They would still like for you to stay close, sir."

Gaara sighs quietly, "I suppose I've been caught now." He turns to Sasuke, looking somewhat flushed, "I should probably get back before Temari and Kankuro start knocking on doors themselves." Gaara says. 

"I'll walk you home." Sasuke offers. 

"You don't have to if-"

Sasuke shakes his head, "It's dark. I should walk you home." 

Gaara's face goes a bit pink, "I would like that. Thank you."

Gaara pets the cat once more before he leaves, smiling gently as she paws at his leg.

The Kazekage mansion is only a short walk, and far too soon for either of their liking they're at Gaara's front door, about to say goodbye.

"This was nice. Thank you for today." Gaara says.

Sasuke flushes, "Sure. Yeah, it was nice."

"Have a good night. Be careful getting home."

"You too. Thanks."

His sister throws open the door before Gaara can even touch the handle, looking ruffled and worried until she lays eyes on her brother looking up at her.

"Gaara! Where have you been?!" Temari fusses, "You've been gone for hours! We went crazy looking for you-"

She scolds him until her eyes land on Sasuke, who stands behind her brother. The Uchiha gives her an awkward little wave, and she pauses.

"...oh. _ That _ explains it. Hey, Sasuke."

Kankuro appears next to her, "Oh. I knew it."

Gaara's face goes pink, "What's that supposed to mean?"

Temari raises an eyebrow, "It means I should've _ guessed _ you two snuck away together."

"You and Kankuro were annoying me." Gaara says, stepping inside before turning back to Sasuke.

"Good night. See you soon?"

"Yeah, of course." The Uchiha nods.

Sasuke gives him a wave and a small smile, nodding to Temari and Kankuro and turning to leave.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Temari watches him go before turning to her brother, who places his coat on the back of a chair and begins to pick up Shinki's toys that lay scattered about the carpet.

"So where were you two, anyway?" Kankuro asks.

"Sasuke's apartment." Gaara says simply, tossing a toy truck into his son's toy chest. Temari raises her eyebrows, putting a hand on her hip. Kankuro looks like he swallowed a lemon. Temari ignores him. 

Kankuro always became such an obvious big brother whenever Gaara wandered off, and especially _ now _ that he's hearing that his little brother was at an alpha's apartment. No matter how old Gaara got they'd always flip whenever he wasn't in their sights. It was in their nature.

"His place, huh?" She says, sneaking a glance at her little brother's neck. 

Unbonded. No bite mark. That was good.

A bite would complicate things. And well...

Well, maybe it wouldn't come to that. Maybe they _ were _ just close friends. Close friends who went on _ dates _ without knowing they _ were _ dates. 

She frowns. Who is she kidding? Just because _ Gaara _ is oblivious doesn't mean _ she _ is.

Temari watches her brother unpack his things from the shops for the day, looking more settled than she's seen him in a while.

For some reason it was like those two were hitting all the boxes for obviously dating without _ knowing _ it. She frowns, amazed at how oblivious two people could be. It was impressive, really. If a bit worrying. She knew her brother was a bit socially ungraceful and missed a lot of social cues, but he _ really _ didn't see what he and Sasuke were doing wasn't _ necessarily _ what _ friends _ did. 

Friends didn't go on _ dates _ multiple times a week. She knew Gaara left to see Sasuke a few nights ago, too. He didn't come back until early morning, smelling like the alpha. They were always finding ways to see each other. Sometimes multiple times a day. Temari took to checking Gaara's neck for any mating marks, just in case.

Friends didn't look at each other how those two did.

No, they weren't _ just _ friends. Whether either of them knew that or not.

"So what did you two do today?" She asks casually, taking a sip of tea. Her brother begins to talk, innocent and unaware of how his words come across.

"...went to a few places in town, talked a bit, then went to Sasuke's apartment and made dinner. Why?"

So, a _ date. _Another one.

She shrugs, trying to play it off as harmless curiousity, "Just asking. Seems like you had a good time."

Her brother's scent goes sweet, content.

"I did."

Temari and Kankuro share a look, before looking back at their little brother.

"That sounds nice." Temari says.

"Oh, uh-" Kankuro starts, rubbing the back of his neck before pointing to an assortment of flowers on the kotatsu.

Temari watches Gaara's eyes land on the bouquet, confusion clear on his face. Oh yeah, she'd almost forgotten about that.

"Shira left those for you."

Gaara frowns.

"Flowers?" He asks, rising from his place on the floor and making his way to the vase. He picks it up and examines it, checking the card. He reads it and goes red in the face, frowning deeper.

_ 'Blossoms as beautiful as you.' _

Temari watches her brother's face change from confusion to discomfort.

"What is it?"

"Nothing." Gaara says quickly, crumbling the card, "Why did he leave these? Did he say anything?"

"Not really, he just asked the guards where you were and then asked them to deliver it." Kankuro says, "When I came back from my workshop it was just sitting here."

"Why is he always doing such strange things?" Gaara murmurs.

Temari and Kankuro share another look. The man had been chasing their brother for a while, but it's like Gaara didn't even notice what the alpha was doing.

Their brother was painfully oblivious of any and all romantic advances toward him. They'd seen Gaara bluntly disregard alphas completely innocently, not fully understanding (or _ trying _ to understand) why they wanted to be so close to him. Maybe Gaara had some idea, but not much. He didn't seem to _ care. _ He treated alphas who were drooling over him just as distantly polite as he did everyone else, never batting an eyelash at their advances, if he noticed at all.

"Maybe he likes you." Temari offers. Gaara just blinks at her.

"I would assume he does. We work together every day. I just don't really understand why he's trying so hard to be my friend. I'm his boss, nothing more. It's a breach of quite a few workplace guidelines, I'm sure."

Temari sighs, rolling her eyes, "I don't mean like that, Gaara. And I think you know that, deep down."

"Then what?"

Gaara sets the vase down, going back to putting Shinki's toys away.

She sighs and Kankuro rubs a hand over his face, sighing, "Oh, nevermind."

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke's apartment smells like Gaara, and the last thing he thinks before he falls asleep is that he wished it did all the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't know how I feel about how this was written but here ya go. No beta as usual so I'll reread and fix anything once I can think straight lol
> 
> Anyway Shira needs to go home and mind his business smh


	19. Chapter 19

The next morning he wakes and makes himself some coffee then relocates all the hidden weapons in his apartment to higher surfaces, out of the reach of a child. Sarada is arriving in two days, and Sasuke triple checks to make sure she can't somehow get a hold of anything dangerous. 

Best to be safe. 

Then he cleans, buzzing with anxious energy and thinking about nothing but his daughter and Gaara's scent lingering in his home. The cat curls up on Sarada's new bed, blinking up at him as he arranges and then rearranges the room, needing to do something to distract from his own buzzing anxiety. He tries not to think too much - like Gaara said yesterday - but he guesses he still needs some work, because his head is whirling with thoughts about what seeing his daughter again will be like. How she'll react to Suna. 

How she'll react to _ him, _ too.

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

That night, Sasuke can't sleep. It's not for any morbid reason, he just can't seem to nod off. The cat curls up on his chest, purring away, and Sasuke spends about two hours just petting her and staring up at the ceiling before he decides to try something else. He could read, but he didn't want to burn through his new supply of books too quickly.

He wonders if Gaara's awake. 

He doesn't know what possesses him to do it, but he summons Garuda and scribbles down a note, tying it to her leg and telling her to simply come back with the note if Gaara is asleep or seems busy. He opens the balcony doors and she ruffles her feathers, preparing to fly.

A few seconds after Garuda takes off, Sasuke hears a quiet thudding noise outside his _ own _ door. Sasuke pauses before instincts kick in and he stands slowly, quickly reaching for the newly sharpened kunai hidden under the countertop. He moves toward the door, eyes on the shadow under it. There's no scent, either. 

The shadow shifts and the noise comes again, a bit louder this time. 

Sasuke throws open the door, kunai poised to strike the threat - but instead finds himself looking down at a red panda with a small note in its mouth. He pauses for a moment, surprised. A summon?

Not exactly what he expected to find.

The creature blinks up at him expectantly, and he kneels to gently take the note from its mouth, giving the summon a gentle head pat.

"Thanks…" Sasuke says. 

The summon merely blinks at him, ears twitching.

The paper is folded, and when he opens it he can see Gaara's neat handwriting. 

It's _ his _ summon, then.

'Any chance you happen to be awake?' 

Sasuke looks at it for a moment, realizing that they're both sending each other letters at the same time of night. Gaara clearly had the same idea.

What were the odds?

He looks down at the red panda who's taken to sniffing at the potted plant by Sasuke's door. 

"One second." He says, unclear on if it can understand him. Sasuke assumes so, since Gaara had to give the little thing his orders somehow. He grabs an apple from the counter and returns to the front door.

He holds the fruit out to it, "I don't have any bamboo shoots, sorry. I hope that's alright."

The red panda doesn't seem to mind at all. The little thing bites into it and starts munching anyway, looking perfectly content.

Sasuke scribbles down a response.

'I am. I think we had the same idea.'

Sasuke folds the paper again, holding it out to the panda, who finishes his apple and takes the letter in his mouth gently.

"Thanks." Sasuke says. The animal blinks and nudges Sasuke's leg with his head. Sasuke assumes that means it understands him. Then it scampers away, bouncing down the steps and down the street.

Sasuke goes back inside, opening his balcony doors and waiting for Garuda to return, still wondering what the odds were that they reached out to each other at the same time.

A few minutes later he has a fussy bird on his shoulder and another note in his hands.

'I am, too. I supposed we both had the same thought.'

He scribbles on it, 'Busy?' and sends it back.

The exchange is only takes about ten minutes, and Sasuke suspects that Garuda enjoys flying through the night air and stretching her wings. She takes off and comes back without a complaint.

'Not at all.' Gaara writes back.

'Meet me at the park?"

'See you soon.'

Sasuke decides to keep the note, for some reason. He leaves it on the counter, gives Garuda some bird seed as a thank-you and puts on his shoes, patting the cat's head once more before stepping outside.

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

They talk and keep each other company, simply enjoying each other's presence.

It's calming, spending the quiet of the night together.

Sasuke goes home and falls asleep with no trouble at all.

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

The next day he somehow finds Gaara at the market again, looking torn between going into a shop of handmade tapestries and another bookstore. He wonders if every Kazekage before Gaara did their own shopping. Somehow he doubts it. 

Sasuke isn't really looking for anything in particular, just wanted to get out of the house. He's taken to simply wandering about and exploring the village, thankful that it's late enough in the day that he doesn't have to avoid too many crowds of people. 

"Sasuke. Hello." He says, spotting the alpha heading toward him. Gaara's face brightens a bit, and Sasuke feels himself have a similar reaction.

"What're you here for?"

"Some groceries." Gaara says.

"Need any help?"

"Yes, actually. I usually bring Shinki with me, but he's with Temari right now. Though I think you'll make a suitable replacement."

"I'll try my best." Sasuke says, smiling lightly.

"I suppose you'll have to do." Gaara says smartly. Sasuke snorts a small laugh and takes the basket from the omega, leading him down the street.

"What's next?"

"Hm?"

"On your list?"

"Carrots, actually." Gaara says.

Sasuke feels reassured that he can help Gaara for a change, so they shop for a bit, talking and sharing their plans for the day. Soon enough they've forgotten about the list and simply end up strolling along together as Gaara shows Sasuke some more obscure parts of the village that he hasn't gotten to know.

They talk about Sarada's arrival tomorrow, and Gaara assures Sasuke once more that he has nothing to worry about. 

The more Gaara says that, the more Sasuke starts to believe it.

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

Curiosity draws them into a small shop filled with art and paintings. Sasuke can see how art styles in Suna and Konoha differ, eyes scanning painting and sculptures he's never seen before. 

He's hovering around the art books when he spots Gaara by a canvas, unmoving. For some reason, he can sense that something may be wrong.

Sasuke wanders over, curious as to what the redhead was looking at. When he gets close enough to make it out he can see it's an ancient rendering of the Shukaku, and Gaara's eyes are fixed on it, his gaze far away. 

"Gaara?" 

The Kazekage doesn't respond, his hand clutching his bag in a grip so tight his knuckles go white. Sasuke can see the tension in his shoulders.

"Gaara." 

No response. 

"You okay?"

Gaara says nothing. It's like he was so far in his own head that he couldn't hear him. 

Sasuke knows what that's like. He's experienced it a lot. 

Sasuke wonders exactly what to _ do _ for a split second before his hand comes up and rests on the omega's neck, right over the place his scent imminates from the strongest. 

He doesn't know _ why _ he does it, or why he doesn't _ think _ about it at all, but Gaara blinks and shakes himself out of it, looking up at him.

"Oh, Sasuke. I'm sorry, were you talking to me?"

Sasuke takes his hand from Gaara's skin, still somehow cool despite the summer sun, and frowns. 

"Are you okay?"

"I...yes, I'm fine." He says, glancing back at the painting.

"Come on. " Sasuke says, wanting to get Gaara away from it, "Let's go somewhere else."

Gaara nods, eyes avoiding the canvas, "Yes, I...let's."

Sasuke takes his hand without a thought, leading him away. Gaara doesn't let go.

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

They only separate when Sasuke hands Gaara the cup of tea he orders for him at a vendor. Gaara thanks him, gathering himself and looking a bit more composed.

Sasuke doesn't get any for himself, he just hands the coins over to the man and turns back to Gaara, who starts to get some of his color back. 

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Thank you." Gaara says, "I just...I don't really know."

Gaara looks at him, a tilt to his head that has strands of fire-red hair falling into his eyes. 

Sasuke's chest tightens and he feels his face betray him, flushing. Why did Gaara insist on _ doing _ shit like that? Was it on _ purpose? _

Sasuke hears himself groan in frustration, heart clenching at the Kazekage's familiar physical tic. He rubs a hand down his face, trying to hide his rapidly reddening cheeks.

Gaara blinks at him, surprised. And Sasuke grows even _ more _ frustrated because somehow the only way Sasuke could describe that look on his face was...cute? He mentally winces.

_ Ridiculous. _

But somehow that's all he can _ think. _It's a stupid thought, but his mind comes up blank.

Gaara does it again, looking mildly confused. Sasuke feels himself frown deeper. 

Gaara's eyes widen, and that doesn't _ help. _

Sasuke sighs at him, frustrated. Gaara kept making faces that made his chest do more things he didn't _ recognize _ , and he was running out of patience because he didn't know why Gaara had this _ effect _ -

"Did something happen?" He asks, looking completely innocent. 

Sasuke wouldn't even know where to _ begin _ to explain, so he just shakes his head,"It's nothing."

Gaara looks confused for a second, and that's even _ worse, _ but Sasuke bites his tongue. He feels his face heat up as Gaara blinks at him, looking puzzled and…

_ Cute. _

Ugh. _ Enough. _

Sasuke points towards another shop, desperate to save face, "Do you want to go in there?"

Gaara nods, "Sure."

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

By the time he's on Gaara's doorstep after having walked him home, Sasuke concludes that it's normal to think of your close friends as... physically endearing sometimes. Maybe that _ wasn't _ strange. Maybe it was normal. It's not like Sasuke hasn't thought _ Naruto's _ face was... _ good _ before. So maybe him being distracted by _ Gaara's _ face was nothing different. Right? 

The lanterns of the Kazekage mansion are all lit up, casting bright yellow shadows on the door and walkway.

Gaara gives him that smile again, "This was fun. Thank you for your help, Sasuke. I'm sorry about...the paint shop. I'm unsure exactly what happened, truthfully. Thank you for helping me, though."

"Yeah, it was. No problem." Sasuke says, "And you don't have to apologize, or thank me. It's nothing, really."

_ Just wanted to know you were alright. _

"Well, _ still. _ And...please give Sarada my best tomorrow." Gaara says, "And try not to think too much, alright? She'll be happy to see you, I promise."

Sasuke nods, quietly thankful for the reminder. He was starting to get a bit anxious again.

"Thanks."

"Of course."

They stand there for a moment, hesitating. Like they want to say something, but don't exactly know what.

And then that strange thing happens. That _ thing _ that happens where they just _ stare _ at each other. 

Their eyes lock and don't look away, just memorizing each other's faces. Except it's a bit _ different _, because Sasuke feels the need to lean a bit closer, and he doesn't even notice he does it until Gaara does the same.

They just stare into each other's eyes, gazes unwavering. The air around them goes quiet, charged with _ something _ Sasuke can't identify so quickly that it makes his head spin a bit.

Sasuke's chest clenches and for some reason he can't _ breathe. _ His brain seems to stop working, and he can't think about anything _ other _ than how _ close _ they are. His mind is preoccupied with Gaara's _ eyes _, and...and…

His...lips look..._soft_, and ordinarily the thought would be _very_ _strange_ for Sasuke to notice, but right now it seems to be the most normal thought in the world. He was right, wasn't he? They _do_ look soft. 

They stand there - leaning into each other without any thought - just staring at the other and unable to tear their eyes away. It all lasts only a short moment, but it felt like so much longer than that, just being _ close _ to each other. 

Gaara blinks up at him, looking just as dazed as Sasuke does, and the omega's scent goes so _ sweet _ and _ strong _ that Sasuke's brain only clouds further, and it's so alluring he has the strange urge to touch his cheek...his hair...was it as soft as Sasuke imagined it was? It _ looked _ like it was.

The Kazekage smelled so _ good… _

All of a sudden Sasuke feels like he's just run miles, his heart pounds and he feels slightly dizzy from the head rush. He doesn't know where it came from, or how this happened so fast. One minute they were saying goodbyes and then the next his brain completely capsized in... whatever _ this _ feeling was.

Then Sasuke notices in his _ own _ scent, gone thick and cloudy as well. It clearly has its effect on Gaara - judging by the haze in his eyes, and Sasuke feels a sense of relief at that, that his scent had such an effect on the other man. It's like the space between them becomes mingled with their shared scent, robbing the place of any air _ . _

Sasuke's fingers long to _ touch, _ and he finds himself leaning closer like his body has a mind of its own or like-like his _ brain _ was taking a back seat, _ if _ it was working at all. He doesn't know what he wants to do, but he suddenly longs to -

"_ Sasuke… _" Gaara breathes.

Why does he say his _ name _ like that? So warmly? Doesn't he know that Sasuke can't _ think _ when he does that? Or when he gives him that tiny half smile? 

Sasuke doesn't notice how close their faces are until they're sharing each other's air, and he can feel the puffs of Gaara's breaths across his lips. The omega leans a bit closer, like even he didn't know he was doing it, and his scent washes over him once more as Sasuke does the same, unable to stop himself. It's not even in his mind, actually.

Something in Sasuke threatens to _ snap, _ his mind gently nudging him to _ do something. _

Sasuke's brain whites out. He feels himself start to reach behind Gaara to bring him _ closer, _ Sasuke's brain going blank and overriding any sense of inhibition or _ sense _ he has -

Then the door opens. Neither of them hear it until a small voice brings them out of their daze.

"Father?"

The moment breaks and they both startle and jump away from each other like guilty children. Sasuke feels his face explode in heat as he snatches his arm back. His heart _ pounds. _

Gaara whirls around, his own face burning, "S-Shinki?"

The little boy rubs his eyes, squinting up at them both sleepily.

"Sasuke." Shinki yawns, taking his father's hand, "Hi." 

"Hey, Shinki." Sasuke manages tightly, still feeling a bit dizzy. His head is spinning and he feels more than a bit unsteady on his feet. Gaara looks the same.

"What're you doing out of bed?" Gaara asks, avoiding Sasuke's eyes, red-faced.

"I was waiting for you to come back." Shinki says, "Uncle Kankuro read me a story, but you read them better."

"I see." Gaara says, picking him up, "I can definitely read you another story."

Shinki looks happy about that. Gaara's blush is as red as his hair, and Sasuke doesn't doubt he looks more than a bit flushed himself. He can feel his face burning.

"I guess I'll see you later?" Sasuke says, still recovering from whatever his brain and body just did.

Gaara looks a bit shaken himself, still flushed. He nods though, giving Sasuke a shy smile. It's different than the one Gaara usually gave him. But it was just as good.

"Yes, of course." He says, "Good luck with Sarada. You'll do fine."

Sasuke feels his face grow hotter and he nods, his own smile breaking through a bit.

"Thanks."

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke walks home with his head in a fog.

He gets inside, feeds the cat, bathes and crawls into bed, head buzzing.

Sasuke's mind replays his last conversation with Gaara, remembering how they both just... _ froze _ when their eyes met.

Why was that happening more often? They'd stare at each other and then blush like children, looking away and scrambling to regain their composure. 

Sasuke knew he was clumsy with emotions, but he couldn't help feeling like he was _ missing _ something. Something _ obvious. _ Something Kankuro and Temari understood, but for some reason Sasuke _ didn't. _

He wasn't an _ idiot, _ the man's line of questioning that day - when he found him drinking at Gaara's kitchen table a few weeks ago - told the Uchiha that Kankuro knew _ something _ Sasuke didn't, but he couldn't quite grasp it. He's turned the conversation with the puppeteer over in his mind ever since it happened, but Sasuke still couldn't quite think through it. 

They were friends. Wasn't this normal? Why did Temari look at them with such veiled amusement and suspicion then?

He keeps hitting the wrong answer, and it's supremely frustrating. Sasuke knew _ friendship _ \- kind of. His friendship with Naruto was complicated, but he _ knew _ they were friends. As many issues as they had, he was sure of that, at least. But this felt different. Gaara was definitely his friend - a close friend, even - but something was _ different. _

When they were children, smiles from Naruto used to give him a light feeling, and maybe Sasuke felt... similar when it came to the Kazekage, but he couldn't compare the feelings of childhood to feelings in adulthood. They were nothing alike, he knew that much. 

This..._ feeling _ regarding Gaara wasn't the same. Heavier, maybe? Consuming? But at the same time, Sasuke felt at ease with the omega, and it was such a complicated tangle of emotions to pick through on top of all the _ other _ confusion in Sasuke's head. That smile Gaara gives him made his chest do such _ strange _ things, and he didn't have a word for it. Still doesn't. 

He doesn't _ understand, _ and Sasuke groans, turning over and glaring at the darkened walls of his apartment. The cat curls up on his legs, clearly favoring Sasuke instead of her own bed for the night.

Why did it feel like that? Why did he notice everything Gaara did? Why does he _ wonder _ about the man? Why does his scent get to him like it does? 

And then _ tonight. _ He'll admit he's...drawn to Gaara, and tonight it crescendoed. At least, he thinks it did. What else could he call that dizzy, breathless feeling? Or the need to be _ close _ to him like that? He couldn't stop thinking about his scent, his hair, his lips. How he tilted his head when he spoke, and how his sand moved around him, like an aura. How he moved.

It was so _ strange. _ Sasuke didn't notice that sort of thing about anybody. He'd been forced into bed with Sakura, and he'd simply tried to block out everything that was happening - and everything about _ her _ \- the entire time. He never once noticed those little things about her, and he never focused on them like he does with Gaara.

For some reason everything Gaara did drew his gaze. Earlier today he put his hand against Gaara's neck - right over where a bondmark would be placed - and he'd _ never _ consider doing that for anyone else. He didn't even know what led him to do it. Sasuke didn't _ like _ touching people, he didn't like people touching _ him, _ but for some reason he wanted to touch _ Gaara. _ Feel his hair, his skin. He _ liked _ having Gaara so close to him.

Sasuke wanted to be _ closer, _ and if it wasn't strictly friendship...what else was there? 

There were families. Friends. People who held hands as they walked down the streets and…

Hn.

For some reason his chest tightens at that. He never paid much attention to them - mates, couples whatever anyone wanted to call it. They were background noise to Sasuke. It all sort of was, but any sort of romantic gesture was largely ignored by him. Sasuke wasn't interested, and couldn't care less. But for some reason his brain latches on to the thought. Thoughts of people who kissed and held hands together. Things that were - previously - the farthest from his mind.

And then he's _ frustrated _ again, because as soon as he gets to thinking about _ that _ he starts thinking about _ Gaara _ again, and he can't wrestle his mind away from it. 

Tonight was another moment where Gaara's presence completely absorbed his mind and any thoughts that could've crossed it. At the very last second...it was like-

It was like he leaned in to…

Was he…?

He wants to toss the initial thought to the back of his mind at first, it's so childish and embarrassing - not to mention a shock - but he can't take this any more. He _ needs _ to figure this out. This endless thinking himself in circles about Gaara and what was going on with his head when the Kazekage was near was driving him insane.

So he forces himself to confront it and think about it. To not run from his thoughts for once as soon as something got uncomfortable. Sasuke forces himself to face it.

…And he feels something connect.

Like a puzzle piece snapping into place, leaving the picture slightly more complete than it was before. 

Where would tonight have gone if Shinki hadn't shown up? What would have happened? Sasuke forces himself to think through how it felt, being so close to Gaara. How his brain turned to static and how he was so _ drawn _ to him.

But he knows. As soon as he starts thinking about it, he _ knows. _

** _Fuck._ **

When the thought hits him it's like being struck by lightning and having freezing water tossed over him at the same time. It occurs to Sasuke that the realization would be _ normal _ for most people, that they wouldn't feel like their heart was being squeezed in a crushing grip just from this realization alone - but Sasuke wasn't typical. He was a different sort of mess than most.

_ He wanted to...kiss him, didn't he? _

When that thought hits him he feels like he's been punched in the stomach. He sits up immediately - shocked awake, much to the chagrin of the cat who is trying to sleep on him - and stares at the wall in the darkened room with wide eyes and a racing heart just trying to figure out what's _ happening _ to his _ brain _.

And even then, through the shock of the realization...the feeling doesn't _change._ _It doesn't go away._ That _want _he has. Sasuke doesn't push the feeling to the back of his mind - stomp it down, or just plain ignore it - because he _can't._ For some reason he can't get that feeling out of his...brain? Body? Both?

His heart starts to pound because he _knows_ that if Shinki hadn't shown up then he would have _definitely_ ended up _kissing_ _Gaara._ He couldn't lie to himself. It was _true._ He would've. 

Sasuke _ wanted _ to, so _ badly. _ Even if he didn't know that was what he wanted in the moment.

And then another thought strikes him.

He's wanted to kiss Gaara for a _ while, _ hasn't he? He just didn't know what it...what it _ felt _ like? The closest he ever got to that feeling was Naruto, but their relationship was fraught with such complications and trauma that he never quite registered it, if he even got that far. He...suspects he _ may _ have...

Those last few years, while his loyalty didn't waver - it couldn't - his feelings for Naruto were... different, somehow. He cared for Naruto immensely - he'd _ die _ for him, without a thought - but something _ did _ change in his feelings for the blond since they were teenagers. Sasuke tries to think past his own pride and mortification to wonder if he ever wanted to kiss _ Naruto _. Did he ever have the feeling that he had tonight with Gaara? 

In the valley...after they had their battle - that was the closest moment he could compare tonight to. If they weren't mortally wounded and in danger of bleeding out, would he have done it? 

Probably. 

Sasuke's feelings back then were so all over the place he can't really remember what he was thinking when it came to his relationship with Naruto. 

His soulmate. Isn't that what he was?

How can _ Naruto _ be his soulmate, but his... _ soul _ reach for _ Gaara? _ Was that normal? How can he be tethered to one by destiny and then end up so... _ interested _ and _ drawn _ to another? 

It's frustrating.

True, Naruto and Gaara had their similarities, but they were more different than alike - to Sasuke, anyway. 

Naruto was bright, loud. Gaara was settled, calm. Naruto was all bright blues and yellows. Gaara was red. Only fiery, fiery red. Naruto was bubbling and overflowing. Gaara was just under the surface. Quiet. Still as the desert.

Naruto was overwhelming, sometimes in a very good way. Gaara was also overwhelming, but subtle enough to get under Sasuke's skin while he wasn't looking or paying attention.

He wonders if Naruto felt the same about the Kazekage. 

Two very different men that conjured the most _ confusion _ in Sasuke. The two men who made him question his own _ character, _ for better or worse. The two who could shake him.

What's he supposed to do? What does this mean? Can his heart really be attached to two different people this much? 

Sasuke feels his stomach turn, but it's not the unpleasant nausea or discomfort he was used to, it was...something else. 

He didn't know. The realization that he wants to _ kiss _ Gaara doesn't clear up anything at _ all, _ and it only answers one question while creating _ millions _ of others. 

What the hell.

Sasuke swallows thickly, throat suddenly dry. 

He thinks thought it all again. The feeling he'd get when Gaara looked at him, or gave him that small smile. How he seemed to automatically care about Sasuke and help him any chance he got. How he was so warm toward him. How he took Sasuke - a man known as a traitor, known for being untrustworthy and unhinged - into his home and nursed him back to health without a thought. How he considered Sasuke's feelings, like that was comepletely natural. How he never made Sasuke feel trapped or pitied. How he _ understood _.

How Sasuke's heart hurt for Gaara's that night, hearing just a bit of what the man went through. 

Even physically...Sasuke usually didn't _ look _ at things like that. He didn't care. Sure, he'd noticed how sharp Naruto's jaw was, and how blue his eyes were, but that wasn't _ completely _ the same feeling either. 

Sasuke often had to tear his eyes away from Gaara, and sometimes he simply couldn't look at him at all. Certain things Gaara's hair or eyes did caught his attention, and made him want to _ stare, _ and _ touch. _

And then there was that. The urge to _ touch _him…

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke has feelings for Gaara...and those feelings are not entirely platonic. Not even a bit.

He feels like his heart might give out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo two new chapters in one day! I'm gonna go sleep forever now. 
> 
> I enjoy thinking about what summons gaara would have. He definitely has a tanuki and a raccoon summon as well. 
> 
> Anyway it took 19 chapters for Sasuke to finally realize his feelings and almost comepletely lose his mind and kiss gaara so he's making progress lol. We get Sarada next chapter!! I'm so excited for you guys to see Sasuke be a dad 😭😭😭
> 
> SASUKE JUST KISS HIM ALL HE'LL DO IS KISS YOU BACK YOU FOOL. And it's ok to think Gaara's cute because he IS cute and and he thinks YOU are cute too 
> 
> Also Shinki bby pls go to sleep
> 
> No beta, I'll correct any mistakes when I reread it. Idk how I feel about my writing here, but I wanted to show how dizzying sasukes thinking could be since his mind kind of races. Hence the long expositions. I hope they're not too annoying. Sorry!


	20. Chapter 20

The realization that he has feelings for Gaara answers _ some _ questions and poses other, _ bigger _ ones. What will he do about it? What should he do?

Was there anything he _ could _ do?

He briefly considers shoving it down, denying it and ignoring it. But he stares up at his ceiling the next morning and...

He can't. Gaara was a part of his life. A _ good _ part of it, and Sasuke didn't _ want _ to force himself to stay distant or ignore how he felt. Ignoring his feelings was exhausting, and Sasuke didn't want to do it anymore. It was like a drain on his soul. He was finally getting better, in _ some _ sense, and he couldn't deny that Gaara played a very vital part in that. Gaara was the only one who told him the truth of what he thought about Itachi. Sasuke connected with him at a time in his life when he truly thought he was unable to connect with anybody, even his best friend. He seemed to pluck Sasuke from the dissociative grey of his life and make him _ pay attention _ again. And even aside from that, Sasuke...well, he _ liked _ Gaara. A lot. He didn't _ want _ to stay away.

What was the point of putting in the work of thinking himself through everything last night just to lie to himself and deny it in the morning? That would backtrack the mental and emotional progress Sasuke worked so hard for. 

Sasuke is in completely new territory now. That was the end of the usefulness that his experience with Naruto could give him in this situation. He's already gotten farther with Gaara than he ever did with Naruto. He couldn't use his relationship with the blond as a reference anymore. 

His feelings for Naruto had changed over the years, and now Sasuke had to deal with having...romantic feelings for Gaara as a traumatized _ adult _ just trying to heal. He isn't even sure if he's _ capable _ of having a relationship like that. Sasuke doesn't know _ what _ to do. 

He no longer wanted to kiss Naruto (well, in a serious sense. He remembers when they kissed by accident as children, and he still internally sighs and shakes his head fondly at the memory every time). He no longer mourned what could've been. He no longer thought of Naruto's wife and new family and felt _ pain _ . He hardly thought of it at _ all, _ actually. Which is... interesting, because he used to think about it all the time, agonizing over the fact that Naruto had gone off without him. Maybe he wasn't _ completely _ over it - Sasuke tended to _ cling _ to feelings of abandonment - and Sasuke felt that the fact that Naruto didn't choose him would always hurt in a way, but he doesn't think about and dwell on it like he used to. Now he was busy thinking about someone else.

Now he wonders who _ Gaara's _ with when he's not with Sasuke. He wonders what the omega is up to during the day when he doesn't see him. What his thoughts were on certain things. Now he obsessed over the omega who drew his gaze away from the one person that Sasuke thought was _ most _ important in his life. And Naruto was still incredibly important to him, it's just that Gaara was steadily taking up more and more space in Sasuke's mind, and Sasuke grew more and more needy for his presence. Sasuke needed Gaara close. In a way he maybe didn't really need Naruto quite as much. Not anymore.

He and Gaara's minds connected more than Sasuke ever anticipated, and he finds himself wondering what would have happened if they started talking sooner. Maybe things would have gotten better before they did. 

But pondering that wouldn't rewind time and let him fix it, so Sasuke discards the thought. Best to focus on what's happening now.

Sasuke stares at the ceiling, mind racing. He needs to get up and get ready to pick up Sarada, but he's woken up a bit earlier than he planned to. He had a bit of time anyway, and his brain won't stop. He'd stared at the ceiling for most of the previous night, mind going blank after a while, just replaying every time Gaara's helped him, or included him in his small circle of people he trusted. He remembers Gaara finding him in the desert and bringing him home for dinner without a thought. How the incredibly protective omega trusted Sasuke with his son.

It was hard to sleep with his head swimming.

If he truly has feelings for Gaara, then what does Sasuke want? What could he do about it? 

Well, he'd have to figure that out later. Before he knows it it's noon, and he has to get up and bathe, feed the cat, make sure the place is in order and head to the train station.

Ten minutes later Sasuke is in the bath, pouring water over his head and washing shampoo out of his hair. He blinks slowly, still a bit sleepy. Maybe he was getting too used to sleeping in. He changes the bandage on what's left of his missing arm, wincing as he bandages it far too tight at first. The torn muscle smarts a bit, but he manages to feed the cat, gather his books before putting them back on the shelves and heading out the door. He gives the cat one more scratch behind the ears before stepping out and locking his door.

The new train station is only about a ten minute walk from the northeast resident district, where Sasuke lives. He looks at the ground as he walks, thinking. His fist clenches in mild anxiety, thinking of his daughter. It simultaneously felt like the wait had taken too long and yet somehow Sasuke was _ still _ unprepared. 

Sasuke never said it aloud, but when Sarada was born he grappled with all-consuming _ fear _ almost _ immediately. _ She was so small, so innocent, and Sasuke was complicit in bringing her into a world that would _ hurt _ her. Maybe _ irreparably _.

Sasuke couldn't help thinking about all that happened to _him_ when he was a child, his brother's neglect and betrayal, his father's indifference, being surrounded by death, his brother torturing him, being left alone, Orochimaru's manipulation, being stabbed, attacked, raped, forced to fight his closest friend, forced to fight _other_ _children_ \- sometimes to the death…

One big reason Sasuke initially didn't _ want _ to have a child after the war was because he knew what happened to children in this world. Sure, things were better now, but how could he bring a child into the world while knowing all of the most terrible aspects of it? Anything that happened to them would all be his fault, because he was the one who doomed them in the first place, because he couldn't protect them every second of every day-

When he was a child he wanted his family back, and he made up his mind to have his own children to start to rebuild, but after growing up and seeing what being an Uchiha _ meant _ in the world...he couldn't do it. He abandoned the idea, unable to justify bringing a child into a world that could hate them for his previous actions and those of his ancestors. He didn't want them to deal with that.

Sasuke could handle a lot. Being misunderstood, mentally tortured, reviled, raped, stabbed, drugged...but not _ that _ . He couldn't bear the thought of any harm coming to _ Sarada. _

That was his _ nightmare. _ Just the thought has kept him up at night for years. That's why he stayed away. He'd cried when his daughter was born, not out of sadness but because he loved her so much immediately, even if the circumstances of her birth weren't ideal. Then that _ fear _ set in, as he looked down into her tiny face - his eyes clouded by tears - and remembered what happened to anyone unfortunate enough to be _ his family _ . It was so _ hard _ to leave her, like slowly cutting off another limb, but he knew that having him around would only hurt her. She'd experience cruelty from the village simply because of who Sasuke was. So he left.

It hurt. It almost killed him. But he did it.

He's aware he's panicking and his thoughts are somewhat nonsense, and the fear was _ maybe _ incredibly overdramatic, but Sasuke could never really shake it. It sat inside him ever since he laid eyes on her tiny face, and it...fuck, it scared Sasuke to _ death. _ Maybe it was the Uchiha curse, but life had all but _ gutted _ him, so what would this existence do to _ her? _

Was her life doomed to be just as...burdensome? Complicated? 

He pushes the thoughts back. He shouldn't be so maudlin when they meet again. Sasuke had to ditch the dark cloud before he saw her.

Sasuke heads through the village, sticking to shadows out of instinct, taking note of toy stores and things a child would like until he reaches the unfamiliar train station.

He's heard Naruto talking about the new train that ran between villages. It was a fairly recent construction, the new age of technology and all that. The Hokage made his bias for Suna known once more when he made sure that was the first stop constructed. Connecting Suna and Konoha was Naruto's priority at the moment, and everyone knew it. Everything else could come later.

Sasuke hadn't cared much at the time, sure he'd never use the thing, but here he was, waiting for the train to pull in. The station was crowded, which Sasuke didn't appreciate, but any second the train would arrive and Sasuke would see his daughter. He checks the large clock hanging from the platform.

Two minutes.

Sasuke runs a hand through his hair. He considers getting a haircut for a moment, but then he shoves the thought away. He wouldn't ever let a stranger near his face with scissors. Sasuke fiddles with the ends of his hair, eyes on the train platform. 

He wonders if Sarada would even _ remember _ him. Sasuke was unclear what small children could remember, or how far back. Did he look any different than when she'd seen him last? He _ feels _ different.

He worries about silly little things like that until the train comes roaring into the station and Sasuke winces, covering one ear and clenching his eyes shut. The horn blares and Sasuke grits his teeth.

The train is a huge, ugly and monstrously _ loud _ thing. He finds the large machinery a bit unnerving, truly. 

In other words Sasuke hated it. Anything _ loud _ grated on him, and he often found himself freezing and being thrown into some less than pleasant memory.

Sasuke hates noise. It makes him anxious, though he'd never admit it aloud.

The train station is a conglomerate of things Sasuke finds unpleasant. Noise and crowds. Crowds quickly felt like the world was closing in on him, and he found his missing arm started to burn. He usually needed to try and get someplace quiet to breathe before he lost it. Thankfully for now it just seemed to annoy more than startle him.

The thing stops and quiets down slightly, doors sliding open.

Sasuke fidgets, looking through the crowd as people slowly pour out. Sasuke's eyes scan the crowd.

Two figures carefully make their way down the stairs, and Sasuke quickly side-steps around a small group of people to get a better look, heart racing.

Shizune is holding the little girl's hand, and Sasuke's eyes land on his daughter for the first time in too, _ too _ long. 

She wears a little red jumpsuit, and he can distantly see the Uchiha fan embroidered on the hem of her right sleeve. Her backpack looks almost too big for her, and her glasses are a bit different. Sasuke immediately feels his heart clench. She looks up at Shizune and says something, grinning happily as her eyes scan the crowd, looking for him. Sasuke makes his way over, unable to take his eyes off his daughter.

She squeaks happily when she sees him, bouncing on her feet and dropping Shizune's hand, darting up to him.

Big black eyes widen and the little girl is in front of him and reaching for him before he can blink.

"Papa!" She cheers. Sasuke heart stutters. And _ bursts. _

He drops to his knees and immediately pulls her in and wraps her in a tight hug without a thought, "Hello, Sarada."

He feels like he can finally breathe. She's _ here _. 

She's only gotten slightly taller, and has gotten a new pair of glasses. They're red like her old ones, though. They sort of look like the old ones Karin gave her. Just a bit shinier. 

"Papa!" She squeaks, tiny arms holding him tight. Sasuke feels his heart warm. He's _ happy. _

"Hey. How're you doing, peanut?" He asks, hugging her close. She giggles at the old nickname, wiggling in his arms. Sasuke supposes that means she _ does _ remember their short times together. He bites the inside of his cheek, trying to remind himself that him crying would probably confuse her _ and _ Shizune. 

But still, it's hard to try not to cry, finally being able to hold his daughter once more. After going without his _ family _ for so long.

"I'm okay! I just had ice cream! Papa, you're squishing me!" She giggles.

Sasuke smiles, finally (and reluctantly) releasing her a bit and blinking away the moisture in his eyes, "Sorry, peanut. I just missed you very much."

She grins, bouncing on her feet, "I missed you too, Papa! Miss Shizune and Mommy said I can stay with you! So we got on the train! It was so loud!"

"It _ is _ loud." He smiles, taking her tiny hand. She squeezes him tight, and his heart warms infinitely brighter.

"I'm glad you're here, peanut. It's a new place, but I think you'll like it."

"Yeah!" She grins, nodding giddily. Sasuke shoulders her bag and grips her hand again, looking down at her fondly before he remembers the woman who brought his daughter to him. He'd completely forgotten she was there, too absorbed in Sarada's presence.

"Thank you." He tells Shizune. The woman nods, adjusting her kimono wrapping and handing him another one of Sarada's bags.

She smiles, "No problem. Sarada was so excited! Sakura sends her love. She misses you, you know! You should see your wife more often!"

Sasuke feels his mood shift to something darker. He stiffens at the mention of her, and he finds that he can't look Shizune in the eyes. Nor does he know what to say.

"Papa, do you like my new glasses?" Sarada smiles, tugging on his hand and looking up at him, wanting more attention. Attention Sasuke would obviously gladly give her.

Sasuke exhales, tension leaking out of him as he looks down at her again, grateful for his daughter's happy obliviousness. And the fact that children had absolutely no problem with changing the subject.

"They're really nice. When did you get them?" He asks, avoiding Shizune's statements about Sakura. 

Shizune smiles at their interaction, obviously unaware of Sasuke's discomfort.

"Last month! Gramma Tsunade gave them to me!"

"That's great. They look nice on you." He says, picking her up. She lifts her arms happily as he cradles her, smiling fondly.

"Really? Thanks Papa."

Sasuke can't help smiling at his little girl. Something in Sasuke settles and calmes at being able to have his daughter here, someplace he doesn't feel like he's suffocating. He could enjoy being with his family here. And it was like it hadn't nearly been a year since he'd seen her. Gaara was right, he could see it already. Children just wanted you to care. 

As soon as he held her he knew they would get along like they'd never been separated by Sasuke's complicated life and her toxic parentage. 

Shizune gives Sarada one last kiss and bids them both goodbye, reboarding the train. Sasuke holds Sarada as she waves at Shizune through the window. 

Once the loud monstrosity pulls off (squealing and making Sasuke wince) she turns back to him kicking her legs happily. He adjusts her in his hip, slinging her other bag onto his other shoulder.

"Papa, I get to stay with you!" She cheers again, obviously still excited about being in a new place with her father. Like she still couldn't believe it. He could hardly believe it himself. He was actually able to have her here with him. He wonders what strings Naruto had to pull to make this even possible. He'd have to thank him, again.

"You do." He smiles, eyes softening as he looks at his daughter's excited, chubby little face. Her hair had reverted back to its typical little-child-messiness, flyaway hairs in her face.

"We'll have fun!" She says.

"We will." He assures her.

He pulls his daughter into a hug. He can't help it. The child was so innocent, and she looked just like his mom. The little girl didn't even begrudge him anything, she just wanted him around. Sasuke's soul brightens as he hugs her tight, so happy to have his family close. She wraps her arms around his neck, cuddling close to him. The small crack in his soul caused by separation from his child starts to slowly stitch itself together. He could feel it already.

He carries her back to the apartment, listening to her point out the signs and excitedly wave at strangers. She was so bright-eyed and earnest, and it sort of staggers Sasuke that something so pure and innocent could come from _ him _, of all people. Sarada was just a baby that was awed by the world, and he found himself fascinated and happy to watch her take in a whole new place for the first time.

She looks at everything as they pass, all the shops, lanterns and parks. The vines and flowers on the buildings and the colorful insects that dart about. A butterfly flutters past them, and Sarada points at it, showing it to her father. The little girl stares at the yellow birds that flit from vine to vine, drinking water from the leaves.

"It's like in my book!" Sarada says, wide eyed, "There's sand _ everywhere _ in the desert _ ! _ I saw it on the train. _ " _

"There is. It's what the buildings are made of too." He smiles, pointing at the structures and shops they pass, "Do you see the flowers?"

"They're pink! And red!" She says, happy. Her big, black eyes dart about, trying to take in everything about her new home.

"They are. And they're _ everywhere _. See those?" He says, walking up to the grape vine that covers the building down the road from their apartment, "These are where grapes grow. See?"

It was natural, being with her and teaching her things. Like they'd never been separated. 

"Ohh…." She says, wide-eyed. She clutches him tighter but leans forward a bit, looking on curiously.

"Go on, pick one." He says, and she smiles wide as she leans forward in her father's arms to pick the grape from the vine. She shoves it in her mouth with both hands and Sasuke huffs a slight laugh, feeling light.

"Yummy!" 

"Good? Okay, let's go home."

"Okay!"

He reluctantly puts her down once he gets to the door, looking for his keys.

"More flowers!" She says, walking up to the potted plants on the doorstep, "Papa, are they yours?"

"They were here when I moved in, I think they might belong to the woman downstairs, actually."

"They're pretty." She says, gently poking one of the flower's petals.

"Yeah, I like them too." Sasuke smiles at her, unlocking the door and smiling lightly when she immediately bounces inside. Sasuke hardly in the house himself before he hears her little voice ring out once again.

"A cat!" She exclaims brightly, pointing at the small black cat that Sasuke has been sharing the house with. Sasuke laughs quietly and locks the door, putting her bags on the small table by the door.

"She showed up one day and decided to stay." Sasuke tells her, sitting next to his daughter on the floor as she pets the now purring feline. The girl doesn't hesitate to grab the cat - who meows slightly indignantly, but curls up in the child's arms anyway - and immediately gets up to plop herself in Sasuke's lap without a thought.

"What's her name?"

Sasuke ruffles her hair, eyes fond, "She doesn't have one yet, I thought you'd like to name her."

Her eyes go wide, "Really? Can I?" 

"Of course." He says, hugging her.

"Hmm….Akumi!" She decides, "Akumi-chan."

"Then that'll be her name." He says, "It suits her."

"Papa, she looks like you!" Sarada cheers.

He frowns and looks down at the little, fuzzy creature.

"Me?"

"Yeah! She's black all over and makes a grumpy face!" The little girl giggles.

"I don't make a...grumpy face." He says. He does wear a lot of black, though. That was fair.

She giggles, "You're making it right now!"

He can't help but smile at his little girl, who scratches behind the cat's ears..

"Do you want to see your room?"

She looks up at him and nods, "Yeah!"

He scoops her up again, carrying her deeper into the apartment, nudging open the door and putting her down on the bed

"This is your room." Sasuke says, "We can decorate it however you want-"

"Everything is red!" She grins, immediately starting to jump on her new bed. He doesn't stop her, instead watching fondly. He remembers doing that too, until his father would come into the room and scold him.

He guesses this is one of many ways he and father would differ in their parenting methods. Sasuke saw no problem with jumping on the bed.

"Do you like it?"

She nods, holding up her arms so he can pick her up. He hoists her onto his arm. 

"I need somewhere to put my toys, though." She says seriously. Sasuke can't help but laugh at her suddenly intense expression.

"We can definitely get you someplace to put your toys." He says.

She beams.

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

Having Sarada with him, even for just those first few hours, brightens the space infinitely more than when he was alone. The little girl is like a small hurricane, darting in and out of every room, chasing the cat and dumping her toys and books all over the house.

Sasuke, of course, has absolutely no problem with that. He's just content to watch her go about getting acquainted with the place. She seems comfortable, and that's a relief. She immediately chooses where she wants to put her shoes, and what side of the couch she wants her favorite stuffed toy on. She shoves some of her snacks that she brought with her in the refrigerator.

She denies help when he asks if she needs help unpacking, happy to do it herself. She bounces around the apartment, putting her things away. She puts her picture books on the shelves next to his own scrolls and volumes, and he smiles gently as he watches her, entertained by his small child.

Sasuke is asked to help fold her clothes to put in her dresser, though. As they talk and she tells him stories about her friends or what she saw on the train, he just watches her, a smile on his lips.

He adores his daughter. Nothing has changed. She was still his little peanut. His _ baby. _ She was so infinitely precious to him, he couldn't even really articulate it. His chest feels tight, like he sort of wants to cry. Not out of pain, but _ relief. _

They spend some time after that filling out a page in her coloring book that afternoon, once everything is put away and she's mellowed out a little, still excited but a bit more settled. She plops into his lap once more, waving the coloring book in his face, and he readily agrees to help her with a page before dinner.

The afternoon flies by. Sasuke guesses he really doesn't notice anything but the tiny hurricane that's taken over the apartment. 

"What color should this one be?" He asks her, hugging her close and pointing to a rabbit that grins up at them blankly from the page.

"Grey?" She asks, pouting in uncertainty for a moment.

"Hm. How about...red?" 

"Papa! There are no red rabbits!" She laughs.

"Who knows?" Sasuke says, ruffling her hair, "There _ may _ be, somewhere."

Obviously there weren't, but Sarada's imagination was endless, so he wasn't surprised when the little girl just nods happily and grins.

"Okay! Let's color him red!" She cheers, "He'll be really cute."

Sasuke's heart threatens to burst.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sarada tells him she wants onigiri with dinner, and she helps him dump two cups of rice into the cooker along with some water before he asks her if she wants vegetables with dinner, fruits for dessert or both. Sasuke doesn't want her to eat too much and get sick. He still needed to learn how much she could comfortably eat. One of the technicalities of parenting, he tells himself.

"Vegetables!"

He lifts her so she can open the freezer and take out the bag of frozen vegetables, helping her open them and pour some into the steamer.

When she puts the top of the steamer back on and she's placed back on the ground, she hugs his leg and grins, "I did it!"

"Good job, peanut." Sasuke smiles, heart clenching as he fondly ruffles her hair again.

* * *

* * *

* * *

After dinner she's clearly worn out, yawning and climbing into his lap again, sleepy. He cuddles her for a moment, comforted by her familiar scent. Her scent that was always more like his own.

"Stay awake a little longer, peanut. You need a bath, then you'll go to bed." 

"Mmkay…" she yawns again, perking up slightly as the cat strolls by. She pets Akumi-chan while Sasuke fills the bath for her, and he does his damnedest to keep the clingy little cat from jumping into the bath with the little girl - but ultimately fails, to his daughter's obvious amusement, judging by her laughter. 

He dries Sarada and wraps her in her robe, and then turns his attention to the downtrodden looking, soggy kitten.

"I tried to warn you." He says disapproving. She just meows at him as he dries her next.

Sarada is curled up in her bed with the cat nestled next to her about ten minutes after that, yawning and reaching for Sasuke, sleepily asking him to stay until she falls asleep. 

And of course Sasuke does, unable to deny his little girl anything. He gently takes off her glasses and carefully puts them on her little nightstand, taking her hand.

He stays with her, and watches over his most precious person until she falls asleep. 

Sasuke kisses her forehead before he retires to his own bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sarada arrives!!! Truly the best girl!  
Sasuke has 1 brain cell and it's just repeating "my daughter is the best little person ever" on loop. That's canon. Thanks.  
All jokes aside, sorry this is late, but we get Gaara's pov next chapter. Whoo! Wonder what's going on with the Kazekage hmmmmmmm  
Anyway hope ya like it.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for sexual content.

Gaara wakes early the next morning,

His first thoughts, as usual, are of his son. The little boy clearly wasn't awake yet, because he usually crawled into bed with Gaara if he managed to wake before him. Like Gaara's little shadow, as soon as he opened his eyes he was often out of bed and wandering to Gaara's side, curling up next to him. He usually woke with the little boy snuggled up to him, and his absence meant his son was still asleep and the Kazekage had a rare few moments to himself.

Gaara stares at his ceiling - blinking sleep from tired eyes - mind turning to thoughts of Uchiha Sasuke. 

The man dominated a lot of his thoughts lately, just as he has for months.

He wonders how he is faring with his daughter. He wonders if Sasuke noticed what happened between them the last time they met. He sort of hopes not. 

Gaara almost did something... regrettable and irreversible. Mortification slams into him as he remembers leaning into Sasuke, his scent going incredibly _ sweet _ and _ needy _ \- wanting... _ something… _

Irresponsible. What was he _ thinking? _

Gaara knows the answer to that question. For once - in that moment - he wasn't thinking _ anything. _ He just _ wanted _ . It was pure _ emotion. _ No logic, at all. Sasuke did that to him somehow. If Shinki hadn't showed up and stopped Gaara from completely embarrassing himself, he would've…

Gaara feels himself go red, heat racing up his face.

Sasuke...

His small, hesitant smiles, like he was so unused to being happy that he almost _ forgot _ how to do so at all. His hair, usually in his face in an attempt to either hide his rinnegan or to hide himself from the entire world. His eyes, incredibly emotionally scarred, but _ soft, _ wary of everything yet so sharp and observant, able to pick apart Gaara's emotions in a way few were able to do...

His _ scent. _ It wrapped around Gaara and every time he smelled it his head went up in _ smoke _ and his usually sensible, ordered thoughts _ scrambled. _

His voice...quiet and even

How he said Gaara's name...

How he managed to care for _ Gaara _of all people, even while struggling so much himself. How he was genuinely interested in the omega's life and dealings. How he saw the world. The alpha was so sweet in how he spoke and what he said, when he was finally comfortable enough to come out of his shell, bit by bit. 

No. Gaara stops that train of thought. Sasuke didn't sign up for this. He didn't become Gaara's friend with the intention of being thought of this way-

Gaara feels his face flush in shame. What was _ wrong _ with him? Sasuke had been hurt - just like him - Gaara couldn't have these feelings for someone who had no idea how Gaara...favored him as he did. It felt like an invasion of Sasuke's privacy, thinking of him in such a way.

The omega clenches his eyes shut. He couldn't be another person expecting anything of Sasuke, the man had been burdened with expectations his entire life. He refused to be another problem for him. Gaara _ couldn't _ be one of the many people who hurt him. Sasuke had gone through _ so much _ already.

And Gaara's feelings for him _ would _ hurt him. That is something he's sure of. There's no way that... _ wanting _ Sasuke was something that was going to be alright with him. Sasuke needed to _ heal. _ Not this.

Sasuke didn't deserve the burden, or the feelings of discomfort he'd likely feel if he knew that Gaara..._ liked _ him, as much as he did.

It would ruin everything Sasuke built here. Gaara was the one who invited the Uchiha in, he refused to then turn around and make the man uncomfortable just because Gaara couldn't control his emotions. The man was just now settling, just now being able to breathe and contemplate his complicated life up until this point - finally starting to heal from terrible emotional and mental scars inflicted on him from years of _ horror _ and _ loneliness. _ Gaara couldn't distract from that, or get in the way. He refused.

He'd been so surprised, feeling Sasuke's presence in the desert that very first time. Gaara had greeted the man to be polite, but was struck by the emptiness in the alpha's eyes. Gaara hadn't seen him in years, but the look in his eyes still surprised him. He looked so tired and despondent, and something in Gaara identified with that. 

But after a short while, Sasuke looked happier. Like he had so much more _ life _ in him, and Gaara had fallen and crashed. Hard.

Sasuke was healing. Gaara couldn't interfere. Not with something like this. Something as _ selfish _ as his own feelings for the man.

He could definitely do it - pretend that his feelings hadn't twisted up inside him and made him long for Sasuke's presence and scent so intensely. Gaara was perfect at stomping feelings down and going carefully blank. His childhood taught him well. 

It would cause Gaara pain to ignore his feelings, but if it kept Sasuke comfortable and in his life, he would do it in a heartbeat. He just...needed Sasuke _ around. _ Gaara doesn't know what's come over him, to be so needy for the man's presence and soft eyes.

Why was Gaara's heart doing this to him? Why did it attach itself to the one person he couldn't have? 

Gaara would continue like normal. It would be fine. He could stifle his feelings for Sasuke's sake.

...Then why does he feel so _ empty? _

Like clockwork he hears tiny footsteps outside his door before it opens and closes quietly. Gaara feels himself smile and he turns on his side to face the door, eyes on the little boy who quickly runs up to him, arms outstretched.

Gaara lifts the boy onto the bed next to him, enveloping his sleepy baby in a hug. His heart is still heavy - thoughts of Sasuke echoing in his head - but Shinki's scent calms him.

"Father…" he mumbles.

"Good morning, Shinki." He says softly, running his hands through his son's hair, heart swelling as he holds his most precious person. The sun starts to spill through the window as it rises and the heat of the day begins to set in.

He rests his head on his son's hair, cradling his baby as his scent goes warm and content. Like it always did when Shinki was near. Gaara wonders once more how Sasuke is doing, having his daughter close. 

His heart wanted to find Sasuke, but the man deserved some time with his daughter without Gaara butting in and being a nuisance.

They stay like that for a while, until they're both a bit more awake, then he makes Shinki breakfast and some tea for himself, trying to ward off thoughts of the alpha he so desperately wanted to be close to. It doesn't really work. Gaara spends the morning wondering what Sasuke is doing. Where he is.

Shinki asks to make his morning bath one with bubbles - and Gaara can't deny his son anything - so Shinki happily splashes about with his bubbles and his rubber ducks while Gaara looks over some paperwork he didn't get a chance to review yesterday, still wrestling with his stubborn brain that seems to want to just think about the Uchiha every second of the day.

Then he sets out his son's clothes, leaving him with a kiss to his forehead and to get dressed while he takes a shower and cleans up the kitchen after breakfast.

"Little one?" He calls, once everything is tidied, "Are you ready? Do you need help with anything?"

Shinki wanders in a moment later, his shirt on backwards, looking very proud of himself. 

Gaara smiles at his son, fondness and amusement in his eyes. His heart almost bursts with love for the little person who stands in front of him, blinking up at him with big green eyes.

"You did a very good job dressing yourself, Shinki." Gaara smiles, kneeling to reach out for his little boy. Shinki immediately makes a beeline for his father's arms, hugging him tight. Gaara smiles, heart warm as he feels tiny arms squeeze him.

There was a time when Naruto was the one who Gaara adored most in the world. That idea was completely _ decimated _ once he laid eyes on Shinki. 

As soon as he saw the little boy Gaara was convinced that Shinki was the best thing on this planet. The best that life had to offer. The boy's smile instantly made Gaara want to make the world infinitely brighter, better, warmer, so that smile would be protected. 

Shinki was his world.

It was always said that omegas were very attached to their children, but Gaara didn't know how _ true _ it was until he adopted Shinki and the child became his _ everything. _

Gaara absolutely refused to be anything like his father. The man who was so cold, distant and _ hateful _ towards him, who purposefully scarred Gaara's brain at such a young age.

No. Gaara only felt warmth and unconditional love when he looked at his son. Pride whenever he did anything at all, no matter how small.

He felt everything for Shinki that his father never felt for him. Gaara guesses he takes more after his mother in that respect, and he's quite proud of that, actually.

Shinki was a clingy little thing, especially with Gaara, often upset when the Kazekage needed to tend to work or just generally couldn't be in his sights. The little boy followed him like a little shadow. The staff always playfully remarked on it, clearly amused by the little boy who trailed their leader. 

_ "Where you find Lord Gaara, chances are you'll find his little son, not even a step behind and holding onto his father's coat." _

Shinki's adoption had been a surprise to the village initially, because it seemingly came out of nowhere.

The residents quickly got used to seeing their Kazekage with the small child in his arms, and news quickly made it around that their leader had adopted a baby, and was taking a short leave to care for him. Gaara remembers those days, just being able to focus on Shinki - who was a baby at the time, so tiny and new to being loved and cared for - and not on paperwork. Eventually he returned to work when Shinki turned a year old, but it wasn't unheard of for his assistants to walk into his office and find their Kazekage with a document in one hand and Shinki in his lap, happily scribbling away with crayons.

Shinki had been a constant sight in the Kazekage's office ever since. Gaara couldn't bear to be apart from him - and he still couldn't, really.

They were a team. Gaara and his little shadow.

"Just one little thing." Gaara says, gently fixing the little boy's shirt, "There you go. Perfect."

~~~~~~~

Shinki plays with his toys while Gaara works at his desk, distracted by thoughts of Sasuke once more. He almost groans in frustration. He can't think. All he can dwell on is the last time they saw each other. 

When Gaara almost ruined their friendship with his lack of self control.

Eventually the day is almost over and Gaara has somehow made it through his paperwork and signed the documents that needed his approval, and just needed a distraction more than anything. 

"Now, why don't we find something to do." Gaara says, scooping up Shinki and cuddling him close, "Would you like to play in the sand pits? Or go to the park? Maybe something else?"

"Can we go see Uncle Kankuro?" Shinki asks, looking excited, "So he can paint my face?"

"We can definitely see if your Uncle Kankuro is home." Gaara smiles.

* * *

* * *

* * *

On the way they run into a few of Gaara's assistants, who wave at Shinki and bow to their leader.

"Ah." One smiles, "Hello Shinki."

"Where there's Lord Gaara, there's his little shadow right behind him, isn't that right?" The other woman grins warmly at the little boy. The boy clings to Gaara and she giggles, clearly amused by the Kazekage's son.

He asks them to drop off any extra work at his apartment and then politely bids them goodbye.

Thankfully Kankuro is home, and his big brother greets them both with a smile, squeezing them both in a hug and inviting them inside.

The Kazekage idly chats with his brother as he paints the little boy's face in an intricate design that Gaara assumes he came up with himself, contentment relaxing him in the presence of his family. It looked somewhat like the design on Gaara's old gourd from childhood, just with a few more details. 

Shinki likes it quite a lot, and Kankuro beams with pride as Shinki barrels into his arms and thanks him.

They stay for a while, but once the sun starts to dip a little lower in the sky Gaara bids Kankuro goodnight and carries Shinki back to the residential wing and to their apartment.

He sets Shinki down in his room, and watches fondly as the little boy rummages through his toys, before he resolves to try and get at least a little more work done, wandering into the living room and spying the pile of papers on the small end table by the door.

His eyes are drawn to the notes his assistant left for him, hastily scribbled in her slightly messy writing. Upcoming meetings, briefing and... birthdays of villagers. His eyes scan the list and catches on one name, not too far from the top. 

Green eyes linger there - the fourth on the list.

Sasuke Uchiha. July 23rd.

Tomorrow. 

Sasuke's birthday.

Gaara's heart longs for him even _ more _ in that moment, wanting the alpha and his scent close. He tries to shake himself out of it, but he can't quite manage it. He's been distracted by it all day.

It was such a stereotypically _ omega _ disposition, and a part of Gaara was somewhat _ embarrassed _ by this need to have the alpha close that seemed to be getting stronger every time he saw the man. How mortifying. 

Then there's a knock at the door that effectively distracts Gaara from his frustration at himself, puzzling him instead. 

Gaara's non-existent brows furrow, wondering who it could be. Both Temari and Kankuro had keys, so they wouldn't need to knock…

Gaara opens the door and feels his heart skip a few beats and his heart clench.

"Sasuke." Gaara says, surprised. It's like his longing thoughts summoned the man. 

There he stood, with a little girl on his arm and his eyes on Gaara, who could only stare up at him in surprise for a moment. 

That scent wraps around him once more and he can't _ think _ again.

"Hey." He says, and Gaara realizes he's staring. The Kazekage snaps himself out of it and steps aside, gesturing him inside.

"Sasuke...hello." Gaara stammers, feeling foolish for some reason. Sasuke's face takes on a slightly worried expression.

"I... didn't mean to bother you if you're busy-"

"Nonsense. You're never a bother, Sasuke."

The man nods, hair falling in his face. Then the Uchiha brightens, and that does something to Gaara's heart, and even he knows his scent has gone sweet in response. He couldn't control it around Sasuke, and it would be an embarrassment if Sasuke's scent didn't then go strong and pleased in response. 

Their eyes meet and they both go red, noticing each other's scents.

"O-oh, this is Sarada." Sasuke says, looking down at the little girl on his arm with such a pure love and fondness that makes Gaara's chest go tight. 

The little girl is looking at Gaara in obvious curiosity, and Gaara's struck with how much she looks like a tiny version of Sasuke. She almost had the exact same face, and her eyes and hair were identical to her father's.

"Hello, Sarada." He smiles, "I've heard so much about you."

The little girl's face brightens and she grins, her little voice cheery and excited, "Hi! I like your hair! It's red!"

She was just as precious as her father too, it seemed. Gaara isn't the least bit surprised by that fact. 

Gaara laughs, amused by the little girl, "Thank you very much, I like your glasses. You look _ just _ like your father, did you know that?"

Sasuke flushes and Sarada beams, "Miss Shizune says that too!"

Gaara smiles, already fond of the little girl. 

"Well, she's definitely right." Gaara says pleasantly, before he calls, "Shinki? Could you come here, little one? There's someone you should meet."

After a few seconds Shinki peeks into the room and makes a beeline for his father, waving his arms to be picked up. Gaara pulls the child into his arms and cuddles him close.

Shinki clutches at his father's coat, looking at his hands. The little boy was clearly shy in the presence of the little girl. Sarada just waves at him though, not perturbed. Shinki cautiously waves back.

"This is Shinki." Gaara says, "He's not quite used to other children yet, so I'm sure he's feeling a little shy right now. But I hope you two will be great friends."

Shinki looks at Sarada curiously, finally looking up. The little girl smiles and nods. Shinki slowly nods as well as Sasuke and Gaara put the children down, just watching them start to interact.

"Do you like to play dinosaur?" Sarada asks immediately, excited. She bounces on her feet as Shinki quietly observes her. The little boy tilts his head, face going thoughtful.

"I don't know how to play that game. But I know a lot of dinosaur facts. Uncle Kankuro told me." He says, still obviously feeling a bit shy, "Can you...teach me?"

"Yeah! And you can teach me cool things about dinosaurs!" Sarada smiles.

Shinki nods, relaxing and looking more than a bit thrilled himself. Sarada takes Shinki's hand, and the little boy looks at her in both curiosity and wonder. 

"Can we go play?!" She asks, clearly excited by the prospect of a new friend.

"Of course." Gaara says, "You two be careful, alright?"

"We're around if you need anything." Sasuke says.

Shinki nods quietly and looks to Sarada, "My big toybox is in my room."

Then he gently tugs her along, and they're off, dashing towards Shinki's room, hand in hand. They can distantly hear the sounds of the children beginning to play, toys being dumped onto the floor and Shinki's voice telling her about all the puzzles he has. 

"They're already getting along like old friends." Sasuke says, staring after them.

"Shinki is rather shy, even around other children he knows well, but he takes to Sarada quite easily." Gaara says, smiling lightly, "I'm glad."

"Sarada makes friends a lot easier than I ever did." Sasuke says, sounding equal parts awed and proud.

"Thankfully they won't go through anything we have." Gaara says thoughtfully.

"Yeah." Sasuke agrees, turning to him, "But I think...maybe things will get better for us, too."

Gaara heart clenches once more at Sasuke's tentative optimism. He felt it too. The world was brightening for him as well, little by little, day by day. He was just so glad that Sasuke could see it too.

"That day, when we saw the sunrise." Sasuke says, "That's what I thought."

"I agree. And in that vein, happy early birthday." Gaara says, unable to stop the gentle smile on his face.

Sasuke looks slightly puzzled for a moment, then surprise crosses his expression.

"Oh. I...forgot." Sasuke says, and Gaara feels his heart warm in fondness for the man that so many in the ninja world were afraid of. They didn't know _ this _ Sasuke. The quiet, thoughtful man who was so excited about having his daughter close that his own birthday wasn't even on his mind. 

Sasuke tugs at his hair, looking a bit out of his depth.

"But you knew." Sasuke says finally, blinking at Gaara. The Kazekage tries to act like he doesn't see the warmth in Sasuke's eyes. He must be imagining it. He _ must _ be.

"I'm given an update whenever it's someone in the village committee's birthday, so I...knew, yes." Gaara says.

Sasuke nods, still flushed. 

Gaara wondered if anyone knew how _ shy _ Sasuke could be.

"Well, is there anything you'd like to do tomorrow?" Gaara asks, "Anything special for your birthday?"

Sasuke looks away for a second, face going a bit more pink. Gaara inwardly frowns to himself, wondering if he's said something wrong. Sasuke looks unsure about what he truly wants to say. Or rather, _ whether _ he should say it. The alpha runs his hand through his hair.

"I...well, I think I'd just like to spend the day with you…" Sasuke says, looking at the floor. His scent wavers a bit, clearly feeling unsure about saying such a thing to Gaara's face.

Did Gaara make Sasuke nervous? 

And even more than that...Sasuke wanted to spend his birthday with Gaara? The omega feels his face go hot as soon as he processes the words. 

"I'd like that as well." Gaara says, cheeks reddening, "I think it'd be nice to spend your birthday with you."

Sasuke looks at him in surprise, like he didn't expect that response from him.

The Kazekage tries to diffuse the moment, not wanting to make the man uncomfortable.

He settles on making them both some tea, needing something to do to distract from the alpha's scent and eyes. He asks Sasuke how things are going with Sarada, and happily listens to the man talk about his daughter. The love was plain on Sasuke's face, and Gaara tries not to let his scent give away how _ wonderful _ he finds that expression on the Uchiha's features. He doesn't know if he succeeds, but Sasuke doesn't seem alarmed so Gaara just tries to act as normal as he can.

They talk for a while, that easy conversation between the two of them that they always seem to fall into as the sun sets.

Eventually the children go quiet, and when they peek in to check on them they find them curled up on the floor of Shinki's room - toys strewn about - asleep. Still holding hands. 

"It seems they've tired themselves out." Gaara says.

Sasuke looks down at the exhausted children with a small smile, "Looks like it, yeah."

Within a few minutes both children are placed in Shinki's bed and snoozing away and the light is flipped off, leaving them to their slumber.

It's when they're back in the living room that Gaara remembers something.

"I just remembered. I have something for you." Gaara says, leading him to the bedroom, dim and covered in moonlight. Sasuke follows behind him, and watches Gaara search a few shelves. 

A wall clock in the room suddenly chimes once it reaches midnight, echoing through the quiet apartment. Sasuke is about to assure Gaara that he doesn't need to give him anything, but the sound distracts him before he can say anything, and once he looks at the clock and realizes what time it is...

"Oh, it's…" Sasuke starts, observing the time.

"Happy birthday." Gaara says softly, turning to him and handing him a book, "I...found it in the bookshop we visited. I meant to give it to you a while ago, but I suppose it slipped my mind."

Sasuke's eyes go soft and surprised again, and he doesn't say anything for a moment, just staring at Gaara in what looks like wonder.

"Sasuke? Are you alright?" 

"Y-yeah, I just...thank you, Gaara."

"Of course."

"Not just...for the book." Sasuke says, "But for... everything."

"There's really nothing to thank me for-"

Sasuke gives him a knowing look, the light of the moon spilling into the room from the window that overlooks the bustling village. 

"We both know that's not true." Sasuke says, "You're helping me all the time. I mean it. Gaara...thank you. Without you I don't know where I'd be."

Gaara opens and closes his mouth, unsure what to do with that genuine and soft look in Sasuke's eyes directed at him.

God, he's _ beautiful. _Gaara can't stop the thought as it floats through his stunned mind.

Could he really be blamed for falling for him? How could anyone blame him for his feelings when Sasuke was getting to him like this? 

"You help me too." Gaara finds himself saying, "More than you know."

Maybe they both have had enough. Maybe neither of them can take it anymore. 

Gaara feels something _ snap, _ and the air is charged with something he can't identify. It sets his mind on fire, though. And that persistent longing grows even _ deeper _ in the muted moonlight of Gaara's darkened bedroom. All Gaara can see is Sasuke, clutching his birthday gift like it's the most important thing he owns and looking at Gaara with those _ eyes _-

Then they're only a breath away from each other, black eyes darting between Gaara's lips and his eyes in time for Sasuke to catch that Gaara does the same. His breath grazes Sasuke's lips as he stares back at him, green eyes darting back down to Sasuke's mouth, pale cheeks flushing.

Sasuke does something he can't predict nor completely explain, and something Gaara doesn't anticipate.

He crashes his lips to Gaara's, and clutches at his hip, leaning into him and causing them both to stumble towards the bed with the force of it.

Gaara's brain both empties and goes into overdrive in a single second, need and desperation for the man's touch flooding his very being and making him pull the alpha closer, kissing him deeper. 

_ Yes. Please. Yes. _

It feels so, so _ good _ . Like something they've both been waiting so very long for, and can finally _ have. _

Gaara feels so good against Sasuke, and for some reason Sasuke doesn't fully expect it when Gaara's fingers run through his hair, and how the redhead makes that needy, small noise in his throat. 

And then they're grabbing at each other, pulling trembling bodies closer as they explore each other's mouths, eagerly drinking in everything they can. Gaara tastes like tea, the cloying sweetness of the sugar sticking to his lips as Sasuke licks the flavor from his lips and tongue.

The taste of Sasuke's mouth is like something Gaara's always craved but never knew how to articulate.

Neither of them could describe how this felt even if their very _ lives _ depended on it. 

All either of them can think is _ 'finally' _.

One of them just needed to take that first, daring step.

Gaara scent goes sweet and pleased, and Sasuke's head clouds with the scent and the taste of the other man on his mouth as they stumble back once more, collapsing onto the bed. Neither of them seem to care, simply kissing deep and unable to stop their wandering hands, unwilling to disconnect from each other at all.

The room is darkened except for moonlight, and Gaara moans against his lips, tightening his hold on Sasuke's shirt, blood rushing in his ears as he gently bites at Sasuke's bottom lip, fully tasting him and unable to stop. He doesn't want to.

_ Yes. Yes. _ ** _Finally._ **

Sasuke stares into sea green eyes as he pulls Gaara's coat off, and the omega clings to him. He nuzzles at Sasuke's neck, inhaling that perfectly overwhelming scent that he's always dreaming about. He's so wrapped up in it he hardly notices his coat being tossed to the ground, but he realizes that he needs Sasuke's shirt off, and he tugs at it, frustrated by its presence until he's able to rid the alpha of the offending material, his hands on the Uchiha's muscled stomach.

Gaara flushes a deeper, lovelier red as Sasuke's hand moves to tug his pants down his thighs, eyes on the omega's flushed face and needy gaze.

Gaara kisses him again, and Sasuke is lost in it for a moment until Gaara spreads his legs and Sasuke knows what he wants almost immediately.

Gaara wants him. And Sasuke wanted nothing more than him as well. It's almost a shock to the brunet's brain, how hot his blood ran and how his body responded to Gaara's. Need was beginning to overtake Sasuke's brain in a way it never had before, and the Uchiha welcomed it. As long as he could finally be close to the omega under him.

Glassy green eyes gaze up at him, dazed as his own, and Sasuke tugs Gaara's shirt off next, blood screaming for more of the omega's skin to touch. It's like now that they've started they can't stop, and all previous shyness or uncertainty is replaced with pure need. Like they were both sick of waiting and just wanted their fill of each other, after so long. So much _ waiting _ and dancing around each other.

Gaara kisses him deeply, just needing to taste Sasuke's lips against his own once again. He can only think how dangerous this is, how after this, he'll crave this all the time. Sasuke's touch, his taste, his scent. The feeling of their skin pressed flush.

The feeling of Sasuke pulling his underwear down his thighs with that heated look in his eyes, like Gaara's the only one he wants.

The feeling of Sasuke's muscled, toned body pressed to his thin, inadequate frame, his still clothed erection pressed to Gaara's bare skin.

_ Pleasepleaseplease- _

Gaara tugs at Sasuke's underwear - far too invested in kissing him to have any sort of coordination in his limbs, tasting those lips he's dreamed of for weeks - frustrated at the barrier between them as Sasuke kisses him deeply, stealing his breath and hastily pulling the rest of his clothing off and pressing to Gaara, just like he wants. Like he so desperately _ needs. _

It feels so, so very good - Sasuke so rarely felt _ want _ like this before, and all Gaara can focus on is how the slick gushes from between his legs and how _ beautiful _ Sasuke looks above him, his hair mussed and his lips pink from their repeated kisses.

It's scary. It's _ perfect. _ He presses closer, arm around the Kazekage's waist to pull him against him, pressing Gaara to the sheets below and slipping between his thighs, his erection pressing between Gaara's legs and their blood runs hotter. Sasuke mouths at his neck and all the omega can do is clutch him tight and pull him ever closer, moaning and desperate for Sasuke inside him. 

The room seems to explode in heat when Sasuke groans and sinks into him deep on the first thrust of his hips, burying himself in that warm, tight and drenched space between Gaara's legs, immediately hitting that spot that makes Gaara arch his back and cry out, suddenly filled so perfectly. They both gasp, overwhelmed by sensation and pure _ want. _

"Fuck." Sasuke breathes into his neck, trembling, "You feel so good."

Gaara wants to say _ something, _ but his thoughts scramble and he can hardly breathe with Sasuke buried inside his body, large and throbbing. He could feel the alpha's heartbeat against his own, fast and hammering. He wants to say that Sasuke feels so _ perfect _ inside him, that he's been longing for this for _ weeks, _ but Gaara's voice is _ gone _ and all he seems to be good for currently is moaning and panting, tugging at the sheets-

Sasuke starts to move - both of their self control absolutely _ lost _ \- eyes never tearing from the man under him. He studies Gaara's face, the whimpers that pour from his lips as Sasuke starts to fuck into him, deep and heated. 

The sounds he makes are quiet and breathless, a whispered secret in Sasuke's ear as Gaara clutches him close. 

Gaara's skin is warm. So, _ so _ warm. 

Inside of him is even _ warmer. _

Sasuke is probably the farthest thing from carnal. Sex just isn't what he thinks about, and all of his memories regarding it were... very unpleasant, to say the least.

But this? This is so incredibly _ different. _ This is _ worlds away _ from being forced or unwanted. If anything, Sasuke is frustrated with himself for taking so long to _ get _ to this point. 

Gaara feels so _ incomparably perfect _ around him, and that would confuse him if he could think about anything other than how _ irresistible _ Gaara smelled or how soft his skin was. How good it feels to be inside his soused heat, tight and comforting. Their bodies just fit together, and the smell of Gaara's slick makes his head spin.

He moans and Sasuke kisses him again - unable to resist, though they're way past that now - hard and needy, pressing back into that heat that makes his mind go blissfully blank. The man under him is all he can think about, and the sounds Gaara makes as he takes him makes Sasuke want to press closer - touch him even _ more. _

Gaara smells so sweet, it's almost overwhelming. His hair is a messy halo, curled onto his cheeks and painting the pillow as red as his lips from their frantic kissing. Sasuke presses finger shaped bruises into Gaara's hip, unable to let go of the moaning omega under him. He feels the man's hands in his hair, holding tight as he presses deep into him once again, groaning.

"Sasuke…"

God. The room is about 100 degrees already, and Sasuke feels the urge to press impossibly close to the body under his. The body that trembles as he presses inside, soaked in scorching heat and slick. Gaara gasps his name again, and Sasuke grits his teeth and needs more. 

He wants to be as close as he can possibly get to Gaara. He felt so _ right _ against him, and Sasuke craves more of that, his entire being set into overdrive.

Sasuke's lips are on Gaara's neck before he can even think about it - right on the sensitive spot a mating bond would be bitten into pale flesh - teeth grazing the skin, lightly.

Gaara makes a sound that makes the heated knot in Sasuke's stomach burn hotter, and he can't help putting wet lips right there - right where he'd bond him. Where he'd sink his teeth in and keep the man under him for himself-

Just his. 

Sasuke _ feared _ submission, especially unclothed and tangled up with another body in his. Orochimaru's abuse taught him that if someone could, they'd pin him down and rip him apart inside, but _ here _ Sasuke gets to be in control, and he feels none of the panic or disgust that sexual encounters left him with before. Gaara didn't push or pull too hard, and he didn't force Sasuke to do anything he didn't want. Being under Sakura left him feeling hollow, a forced encounter he never wanted but had to go through with. Being under Orochimaru was painful and disorienting.

Being with _ Gaara _ felt _ good _ . So, _ so _ good. Hearing the omega's breathing and pleasured cries and moans only spurred him further, made him want more. Feeling his hands in his hair _ did _ something to Sasuke.

Sasuke wanted to be so much closer, though they were already skin to skin and panting each other's air - moving together as Gaara's shaking hands ran through his hair and pressed fingers to his back.

"Ah…" Gaara moans and clutches at Sasuke's arm, eyes hazy with pure _ want _ as he looks up at him, cheeks red and body tightening around him as he trembles. 

The Uchiha buries his face in the omega's neck once more, groaning. 

Gaara was so _ wet _ inside, so _ warm. _ He smelled like the desert, like a garden - like the greenery that grew around the buildings in Suna - but far more potent and _ dizzying, _ and Gaara's slick makes the wet sounds that echoed through the room and made it so easy to slip inside the heated body under his own. The soft skin of Gaara's thighs around his hips does something to him he can't quite describe, and he can only think about how easily he fucks deep into the omega's slick hole, their scents overpowering all others. How encompassing. 

And in all Sasuke's vulnerability he can say that Gaara's beautiful. All red hair and bitten lips. The bruises Sasuke left on his neck are purpling, and that gives him a feeling of satisfaction that he doesn't anticipate. Gaara wore his mark. It wasn't a bite, but it didn't matter in the moment.

He kisses the Kazekage again, blood rushing in his ears and blood racing through his veins. 

When they come it almost knocks the breath out of him, and the sound Gaara makes triggers him to knot quicker than he ever has. Gaara shivers under him, panting as he gets tighter around him, and Sasuke can hardly breathe himself, burying his face in the omega's neck.

He clutches him even tighter when Gaara kisses him deeply again, lips seeking his and hands fiddling with the ends of his hair, splayed about his shoulders. Sasuke can hardly think properly, his mind so preoccupied with how tight Gaara's body was around him, and how his body milked his knot like it knew just what to do to make Sasuke lose all coherent thought.

They kiss and touch until it goes down, but they don't stop. They can't. They finally had this, and pausing would mean having to refrain from touching one another and think, which wasn't what either of them needed right now.

Gaara rides him next - and they're both unsure how the omega ends up in Sasuke's lap but neither of them could care less, especially when it feels so good to finally be so close to each other, sharing this quiet night of touching and moaning - and Sasuke wraps his arm around his waist, feeling how his hips move in his lap to grind Sasuke further into him, moaning. Sasuke kisses him again, wet and desperate. He pulls Gaara close - panting and staring up at his face - twisted in pleasure and so _ beautiful _ it almost knocks the breath out of him.

Gaara clutches at his shoulders, head thrown back as he moves, pale skin under Sasuke's fingers as he trails his hand up the Kazekage's back, feeling every ridge...every inch of skin. The mark from Sasuke's chidori from so, so long ago (it felt like another lifetime truly, especially right now) paints the omega's shoulder, and Sasuke can't help pressing his lips to the scar. Gaara leans into his touch, and Sasuke goes hotter with _ longing, _somehow needing to be closer.

It feels so good, being close to Gaara. Sasuke's blood feels like it's _ scalding, _ and he wants to taste his mouth again.

Gaara's so _ warm _ inside-

The omega comes with a whimper, and Sasuke kisses him, unable to help it.

He bites down on the omega's collarbone when he comes, gritting his teeth and pulling Gaara down on his cock, clutching him close.

Gaara moans and shivers, his hands in Sasuke's hair as he knots, seated fully in his lap.

They don't do much but desperately and heatedly kiss for the ten or so minutes Sasuke's knot has them locked together, but it's…

It's fucking amazing, finally being able to kiss him so freely. Gaara tastes sweet and he smells so good. His pheromones rise from his skin, thick and unyielding. The room fills with the scent of the two of them, mingled together and so _ pleased. _

Gaara stutters out a sigh, hand running through the tangles in Sasuke's hair, smoothing out tangles. Sasuke just breathes, feeling Gaara's skin pressed against his own. 

They keep going. Something about this is a release, for them both. Like they've both been waiting for this and can't stop or slow down or else it _ ends. _ Like they'd have to settle and think about what they're doing, and right now neither of them wanted that. They just wanted _ this. _

Neither of them _ want _ it to end. So they keep clutching at each other, moving, kissing and sharing moans between them. It feels so good, being twisted up in blankets together like this, sweaty and skin pressed flush. Sasuke is inside him again, Gaara's hands clutching at his back as they moan and move together, lips coming together again and again. The room is quiet save for their desperate and needy love-making, stuttered breaths lost in the warm air of the dim room as greedy hands reach for and hold onto each other, desperate eyes focused only on the other.

Sasuke can't take his eyes off how Gaara bites his lips as he presses inside him again, deep and scorching. He moans, thighs tightening around Sasuke's hips. Sasuke's blood rushes faster, Gaara's scent filling his senses. Then they're frantically kissing, like they're both running out of oxygen and the other is the only supply left.

Sasuke presses Gaara to the bed, and takes him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday Sasuke. You get your man :) you deserve it. 
> 
> Also in the English dub of boruto gaara calls Shinki 'little one'. Can you believe how fucking cute that is???? Horrible. I can't believe they did that to me smh
> 
> Let me know what you think! I know you guys have been waiting for this for ages lol
> 
> Not beta we die like men THOUGH I will be rereading this later today to fix any mistakes. Lol nothing to see here just two grown men having desperate sex.


	22. Chapter 22

_ The boy dissolves into sand and pools onto the ground, before reforming, standing and giving them all a bland, unimpressed glance before turning away. _

_ "Wait, identify yourself!", Sasuke says, looking at the strange, red haired boy his eyes have settled on. He has a weird gourd in his back, and the space around his eyes is dark. There's a look in his eye that Sasuke recognizes, but he doesn't know what it is. _

_ "Me?" The blond girl with him asks, turning around and giving Sasuke a puzzled look. _

_ "No." Sasuke says, "You. The guy with the gourd on his back." _

_ The boy turns to look at him, that unimpressed and bored expression lessening slightly with the glimmer of interest in his eyes. _

_ "Gaara, of the desert. I'm curious about you too. You are?" _

_ "Uchiha Sasuke." _

_ Naruto shouts something, but the red-haired boy quickly dismisses him, giving Sasuke one more glance. _

_ Gaara of the desert turns and walks away. _

* * *

* * *

Sasuke wakes to a ceiling that isn't his own. He blinks, squinting in the early sunlight of Suna as it spills through the windows. He clenches his eyes shut before trying again, taking a deep breath.

Greenery. Earth. Flora. Smoke. Something like lightning striking stone.

A mix of their scents.

Sasuke smells like Gaara, and the man's scent was lingering, even if he wasn't in bed beside him.

Memories of last night flood over him, gently. It only takes a millisecond for him to remember everything in vivid detail as he tries to blink away the last dredges of sleep.

They spent the night together. He...had sex with Gaara. 'For hours' his brain offers. 

Sasuke feels his face go hot, remembering how far they went last night in flashes behind his eyelids. He rubs his hand down his face, staring at the dangling terrariums Gaara had hanging from the ceilings over his bed. The glass reflected the early morning sunlight, casting rainbows along the wall. 

Sasuke stares at a little red flower on the cacti hanging above him, seemingly in the middle of blooming. His brain lags a bit, slow with sleep and processing last night, along with the feeling of waking up in Gaara's bed once more, though the circumstances are vastly different from last time.

Sasuke remembers their bodies and hands desperately pulling each other closer, feeling Gaara's panting breaths against his neck, his lips...

He lies there, sighing at the ceiling, already knowing he didn't regret it a bit. Which _ complicated _ things. If he _ did _ regret it, he could at least ask Gaara to forget it and they could just move on. But that's not what Sasuke _ wanted _ . That's not how he _ felt _, and after not feeling anything like this for so long (that he somewhat had forgotten what it was like) he wouldn't allow himself to further hurt himself in such a way.

Sasuke didn't regret it. At all. He was happy it happened. It felt good. He wanted it. He wanted _ more. _

In other words, Sasuke _ has _ complicated things. He didn't _ want _ to take last night back. He couldn't stop replaying it in his head. Seeing Gaara's flushed face behind his eyelids every time he blinked.

Sasuke rubs at his eyes, a strange mix of anticipation, nerves and confusion settling into him. Then his mind starts to wind in circles.

Being with Gaara last night...it didn't _ hurt _ . Sasuke wasn't dealing with the fear, revulsion and need to flee that he felt during the sexual encounters he was forced into with others previously. After Orochimaru, any attraction or interest in him was taken as a threat simply because being assaulted was _ all he knew. _ And Sasuke doesn't necessarily blame himself for that, but he can acknowledge how being raped constantly as a child molded how he viewed relationships as a whole, and how it made him distant and defensive when anyone looked at him with any hint of attraction. And when Sakura did that to him again, he knew it was no different, even back then. He'd then accepted it _ wouldn't _ be different no matter what. It certainly didn't _ feel _ any different, despite her being a woman - she'd essentially done what Orochimaru had as well, minus the overt threat of violence. That's what physical intimacy was to Sasuke for a long, _ long _ time - just asking the person on top of him to stop, only to have them ignore him completely and do whatever they wanted to him anyway - and it wasn't something Sasuke wanted ever again. He'd come to associate being close to someone as either fighting or laying helpless while someone took something from him that he didn't want to give.

But last night…last night _ was _ different. He wanted nothing more than to be closer to Gaara. Being with Gaara in that way wasn't terrifying or tense, and it didn't hurt. He was desperate to have Gaara close. As close as possible. Relieved that Gaara accepted Sasuke into his bed, into his body...

But it was also _ confusing _ . Because _ before _ , sex and physical intimacy were in the category of interactions with people Sasuke initially _ never wanted again. _ But now he knows how it _ can _ feel, how it can take over his brain and make him feel...safe? _ Closer _ to someone? Connected?

The rules have changed, and Sasuke has been tossed into a completely different game, and he isn't entirely sure what to do or what to make of it.

He felt relaxed with Gaara last night. The man's body against his own wasn't a rehash of being assaulted as he had before, but a comforting reminder that he wasn't _ alone. _ That they shared this intimacy _ together _ . There was no power imbalance or anything that made Sasuke feel like he didn't have equal say in what happened between them. Someone who understood him was right within arm's reach, he got to feel his skin and taste his mouth, and that shared experience was just that - a _ shared _ experience. They were both equal. Gaara _ trusted _ him.

It felt good. Being near someone so warm and _ careful _ with Sasuke. Gaara didn't once grab him too hard, or pin him down. Sasuke never expected that of him, it's just that prior encounters left Sasuke just... expecting that no matter _ what _.

But...Sasuke remembers Gaara talking about that man, from before. How he didn't listen to Gaara at all while he hurt him, simply doing as he pleased as he took advantage of his power over Gaara and the entire situation.

Gaara understood what it was like to be terrified and pinned down like that, with someone you didn't want on top of you. Of course he wouldn't hurt Sasuke. Gaara was a man who had been repeatedly hurt himself, so he knew what it was like, and thus avoided doing so to others. Granted, Sasuke _ knew _ this, but maybe he's just a bit floored by how vastly different it was with Gaara. How he never pushed, never pressured or coerced. 

Gaara was...soft, with him. And he needed that. 

Fuck, he needed that so _ badly. _ Maybe a few years ago, when he was young and refused to admit he needed help and...love, he would have _ scoffed _ at that. But now he can fully admit that he _ needed _ that tenderness. That softness that Gaara seemed to have for him in spades. And aside from that, he genuinely likes Gaara. A lot. More than that, actually. He didn't have the words to articulate how something inside him reaches for the omega. Sasuke found himself wanting to know every tiny detail about him. Wanting to be inside his head so he could pick him apart. Wanting to be _ close _ to him. Figuring out his feelings shouldn't have been as long a process as it was, but he's figured it out now. Why his chest goes warm whenever Gaara smiles at him, or says his name.

Sasuke sits up, the sheets pooling at his waist. Gaara's side of the bed is empty, blankets thrown aside. Cold. He's been awake for a while, then. The children probably were, too.

Sasuke couldn't help wondering what happened now. He knew what he wanted…

He never thought he would want this with _ anyone _again but -

Sasuke wanted to keep being close to Gaara. He wanted him around more often. All the time, actually. 

He wanted…he wanted to stay with him, like how those pairs of people holding hands on the streets of Suna did. He never paid attention to them before - mates, couples - but he _ wants _ that. It's such a foreign feeling, but it's a pull that he can't deny. He didn't even know what it's like to want that sort of companionship. Not fully. But he feels it now. And it's strange. But it's there. It's very much there, and he can't ignore it. He doesn't _ want _ to.

But there were so many complications. Would that be fair to Gaara? To further involve him in the mess of Sasuke's life? 

Sakura, for one. Konoha, for another. His marriage. How Naruto would react.

(In some ways that was the _ biggest _ complication.)

But that all still felt small compared to what Sasuke _ wanted _. 

If he was anyone else this wouldn't be _ nearly _ as complicated. And so the Uchiha's frustration level rises. Why is everything so complicated for him? Well, he knows _ why, _ but he hates it. In this moment he _ despises _ it. 

Sasuke wants so _ little. _ Just to be _ content _ . _ Happy, _ even. Isn't that what _ most _ people want? Isn't Sasuke a human being as well? Was it so hard to imagine that he would want some semblance of connection and bonding as well?

And he can't help that tiny, hopeful voice at the back of his head that said that it was possible with Gaara. He could be happy with him. Safe. Content.

He already was.

There was just so much in the way. And on top of that Sasuke didn't even know _ anything _ about relationships of this nature. Not really. He'd largely ignored all that up until now. The possibility, with Naruto, lingered in his head when he was young, but that was a moot point now. And Sasuke's feelings have changed, even though Naruto was still dear to him. 

The point was that Sasuke was way out of his depth. He remembers how his parents used to interact, but something makes him think that he can't really use that as a point of reference for his relationship with Gaara. They were all different people, with different circumstances. Sasuke had no experience to draw from. He only had a vague idea of how it was _ supposed _ to be based on how he _ felt _. Sasuke could end up being terrible at this, and the possibility of hurting Gaara with his own inexperience was something he almost didn't want to risk. 

But...the two of them were doing pretty good so far, right? How would them being together in _ that _ way be any different than how they interact usually? Sasuke can't really imagine too much changing. They'll...kiss? Sleep together? That wasn't too big a change. 

So...maybe he was worrying for nothing. Thinking himself dizzy when he could just go out there and plainly ask Gaara if he wanted to try this.

But Sasuke couldn't deny that he came with a lot of baggage. A whole village council encroaching on his life, a marriage he didn't want to someone who refused to stop chasing him once upon a time and a slew of mental and emotional problems. Not to mention still being a widely regarded terrorist at worst and slightly shady at best.

He was a lot to take on, he knew that.

And yet Sasuke still didn't want to give it up. He _ wanted. _

The only question was, would he do what he wanted, or what would cause him less trouble?

He _ knows _ the answer, he's just not looking forward to the impending shitstorm. 

But even then...if he could wake up like this every day, it would have been worth it, wouldn't it? To have this... contentment? He didn't _ want _ to let this go. It's the safest and sanest he's felt in a while (even with the fact that he still struggled internally all the time, but Gaara had a way of picking the right words out of the air -seemingly- and making it all not seem so bad), and he needed that, after the catastrophe that was...well, everything about his life.

He...he _ liked _ Gaara, and he wanted to stay with him.

But no matter what he wanted, this was also Gaara's decision. 

Sasuke figures he may as well just do it. He couldn't hide out and think this over forever. That, and Gaara's scent had faded from the room a bit, and Sasuke didn't particularly like that.

So when he's finished thinking himself in circles, Sasuke finally rises, shoving the blankets off of him and setting his feet on the floor. He quickly realizes he's naked, grabs his pants and underwear - dressing quickly before he opens the door, stepping into Gaara's hallway. The apartment smells like pancakes and tea.

He can hear Shinki and Sarada playing, and the water faintly running in the kitchen.

Sasuke approaches slowly, a bit nervous.

Well, _ more _ than a bit.

He could fight gods without flinching, but talking to someone he's had feelings for for months made him clench his fist nervously. He's partially absorbed in his own whirling thoughts as he approaches the kitchen, until he catches sight of who he's looking for.

Gaara is by the stove, making what he assumes is breakfast. He hears Sarada and Shinki playing in the living room, but Sasuke's eyes are on Gaara for the moment, who doesn't seem to have noticed his presence yet. The same terrariums that hang from the crystal clear orbs in Gaara's room also dangle in the kitchen, painting the same colorful reflections along the walls. 

Sasuke watches as Gaara leans up and pokes at one - and also notices that he has to tip-toe to do it - and watches it gently sway. Sasuke wonders - dazedly, as he stares at the Kazekage - how someone can be the picture of serenity like that. 

The bruises on his neck are plainly visible over the collar of his robe, purple and deep. He hasn't brushed his hair yet either, so the red strands curled every which way, slightly frizzy. Something in Sasuke wants to save this memory, tuck it away where he can keep it for himself- Gaara with the bruises that Sasuke gave him on his neck, his hair a mess and the sound of their children playing in the next room as the sun rises higher in the sky.

His sharingan is swirling to life before he can even take his next breath, quick to hide this memory away in his mind. It's definitely more pleasant than most of the other recollections back there.

Gaara turns and pauses at the sight of him, eyes widening slightly, clearly unaware Sasuke was awake. Sasuke snaps out of his thoughts, not expecting to be seen so soon.

Their scents immediately go strong and blend together, calming them both.

"Sasuke." Gaara says, "Good morning."

The Uchiha can only stare at him for a moment, eyes drifting down to the marks on his neck. Something inside him reaches for the omega.

Then he shakes himself out of it, "Good morning."

It's clear neither of them know what to say, but it's not so much awkwardness as it is the two of them just being out of their depth. Neither of them have ever really done this before, and they were both critically aware of this.

Sasuke takes a breath and runs his hand through his hair, resolving to just say what he needs to before he does something foolish, like lose his nerve and hold his tongue.

"About last night-"

"Nothing has to change if you don't want it to." Gaara says quickly, face reddening. He looks apprehensive, and a bit sad. He looks like he's about to say something else, but he hesitates.

Sasuke shakes his head, desperate to explain, "I...was going to say the same thing to you. But-I-I think that...I'd like to…"

He stops and tries to think. Gaara quiets, looking hesitant. 

Sasuke tries again, almost scrambling to gather his thoughts. He looks into his eyes, lost for a moment, distracted by how _ green _ they were.

He eventually is able to say something after a moment, and Gaara waits patiently for him to say what he has to. 

"We work well together, right?" He asks, and Gaara's eyes go a bit wider.

"Yes, of course we do." He says.

"And you...you understand me, and I understand you." Sasuke adds.

Gaara nods, "That's very true."

Sasuke takes a steadying breath.

"And we...we like being together."

Gaara gives him a small smile, still looking a bit nerve-wracked, "Yes, I definitely value your presence, Sasuke."

"Maybe this...would be easier -" Sasuke says, trying not to lose his nerve, desperate to push through and articulate his thoughts and what he wants to say, "- if we did this together. I…I like being with you. It makes everything not so...dark, or overwhelming. I just like _ you _, a lot. And I find myself wanting to be near you all the time, because you make everything better. Before, I was living life in a fog, but...everything is clearer when you're around, and I feel like I can breathe. I - So."

Sasuke flounders for a second -eyes darting to the ground - and for a moment he thinks maybe he explained that _ very badly _, but he has no experience with this. He didn't know how to ask this question at all, even though he desperately wanted - no, needed - to get his point across, he still didn't quite know how to word it. Everything he wanted to say got tangled up in his head as soon as he laid eyes on the redhead.

Thankfully Gaara is adept at translating Sasuke's confused musings into something they both could understand, and as soon as he looks up from the ground and at the omega he can tell Gaara knows exactly what he's saying. 

Sasuke feels something in him go weak at that look on Gaara's face. That _ understanding. _

And then he feels like more of an idiot. Of _ course _ Gaara would understand what he's trying to say. The man had a way of knowing what was inside Sasuke's head, sometimes even before _ he _ did, whether he stumbled over his words and trailed off or not.

Gaara blinks at him in surprise for a second, before his expression goes relieved and gentle.

"I think so too." He says, face going pink, "I greatly enjoy your presence in my life, Sasuke. I... I don't know if I've made that clear, but it's true. I like you too. I didn't know how to say it, or if I...should, but I... I do. I feel more settled when you're around, and I - I miss you when you're gone."

Sasuke feels like a child, stumbling over his words and fidgeting in front of their valentine or something like that, just trying to get the words out. But the fact remains that Gaara felt the same. He _ understood, _ once more.

"I…" Sasuke starts, "I guess I wanted to ask if you wanted to...to…"

And then he's back to not being able to complete his thoughts again. He internally winces in frustration at himself. _ Just say it! _

Sasuke steels himself and takes a breath, "Do you want to-"

But once again, Gaara _ gets _ him. He _ gets _ what Sasuke is trying to _ say _, even though he's flushed and stuttering - internally panicking and trying to arrange his words into something that makes sense.

"I would." He says, smiling gently at him, "I think it would be good for us. Both of us."

He's as flushed as Sasuke is, but the omega is clearly more steady than Sasuke right now, whose head is whirling with so many thoughts and feelings he can hardly function.

Then he processes what Gaara's said, and his chest goes tight and warm. He pauses for a moment, simply surprised and unable to tear his eyes from the omega.

"So that's...a yes?" He asks, hating the fact that his voice cracks and he sounds so _ unsure. _

Gaara's eyes soften and Sasuke immediately relaxes.

"Of course." He says gently, "Did you think I'd have any other answer?"

"I guess I wasn't sure. Or -actually- I...I wanted to be certain." Sasuke says, feeling like he's run a marathon. Why is he out of breath? He felt like his nerves were firing everywhere, but relief sets in and he can finally think. 

_ Gaara wanted him too. He wanted Sasuke by his side. _

Though the alpha could hardly see why, he was grateful. 

The Uchiha has the urge to take his hand, like he's been wanting to do for weeks. Then another thought strikes him and he finds himself stuttering out words again, unsure if he's making sense.

"I...should say, before - before we...I have a lot of things in Konoha that I'll have to deal with, and it's not fair to you to ask you to be with me without-without _ warning _ you that-"

God, why can't Sasuke _ speak? _ He's never tripped over his words _ this _ much. What's _ wrong _ with his brain?

But a cool hand settles on his and he stops, brain emptying for a blissful moment as soon as Gaara touches his skin.

"Sasuke. It's alright. I understand. We can figure that out as we go." Gaara says, "And we don't have to worry about all of that right now."

Sasuke relaxes further, the cool press of Gaara's hand a grounding weight on his own. Sasuke's fingers curl around Gaara's without a thought and he feels relief course through him.

Gaara still wanted him. He didn't care about the impending shit show that Sasuke was sure he was going to bring into the Kazekage's life. The man still had that gentle look on his face, and Sasuke feels his heart squeeze in that way that only Gaara can induce.

"Right. You're right." He breathes, "Thank you, Gaara."

They both know he's not just thanking him for the reassurance, but for staying. For being with him. For giving him a chance.

"You don't have to thank me, Sasuke." He says, "I...I'm just glad I didn't ruin everything last night."

"Ruin - ? Why would you think…"

"I'm...not sure. I guess I just wasn't sure if...if you wanted…" Gaara goes redder now, looking a bit hesitant, "Me."

All Sasuke feels is confusion at his words, and he holds Gaara's hand, unable and unwilling to let go now that he finally had the contact he needed so desperately in the moment.

"Why wouldn't I?" He asks, puzzled. 

Gaara blinks at him in surprise, "I...I just didn't want to complicate your life."

"You simplify my life." Sasuke says, still looking a bit confused, "Of course I want you around." 

Gaara thought he wouldn't want him? 

Gaara was the first person in a long, long time to actually listen to Sasuke, and make him feel like he was heard and understood. He woke him up out of that haze he was in for years, and made him rejoin _ life _ again. 

How could he think that Sasuke wouldn't want him?

Gaara's face goes raw with affection at his words, and that look makes something snap in Sasuke. Maybe it's the staggering relief that Gaara wanted him, or his scent - or the omega saying something so preposterous like he wasn't sure if Sasuke wanted him, but he _ loses _ it either way. It's not like they haven't done this before. 

He stops thinking so much and quickly takes a step, closing the already small gap between them and kissing him, just a gentle press of lips. But it makes Gaara melt against him, the omega's other hand coming to rest gently on his cheek and his scent goes warmer, sweeter. He squeezes Gaara's hand, trying to convey what he couldn't seem to completely say yet.

When they separate it's like neither of them can breathe, hands gripping each other and staring into the other's eyes. They stand there, lost in each other for a long moment, just breathing in their scents, mingled and combined.

Gaara opens his mouth to say something (though he looks torn between talking or kissing Sasuke again) still looking breathless - but they're both interrupted by a tiny voice. 

"Papa! You're awake!" Sarada cheers, barrelling into the kitchen and hugging Sasuke's leg. Shinki is a few steps behind, and neither of them seem to stop to wonder why their fathers are so close and holding hands. Sasuke figures small children didn't really pick up on things like that. At least not so soon.

He doesn't think it's possible for his heart to warm further, but it does, with Gaara's hand in his, a kiss still lingering on his lips and two pairs of eyes looking up at him.

"Hey, peanut." Sasuke says, "Good morning, Shinki."

She beams up at him, and Shinki waves. They're in matching little robes, their hair wet and combed. Gaara clearly gave them both a bath, and Sasuke wonders how the omega manages to get so much done in such a short time. He couldn't have been awake that much longer than Sasuke.

"Gaara gave us chocolate milk!" She says, "It was good! He said we're gonna have breakfast soon! Pancakes!" 

Sasuke laughs a bit at his daughter's enthusiasm, squeezing Gaara's hand a bit, making him smile, "Did he? And did you say thank you?"

"Yeah!" She says, tugging his pant leg, "Oh! Papa...Gaara said it's your birthday! Happy birthday!"

He ruffles her hair in thanks.

"Can we make a cake?" Shinki asks, looking between Sasuke and Gaara, "Father makes really good cakes for my birthday. And cakes are for birthdays, right?"

"You're right about that, Shinki." Gaara says, "We can make a cake. Would you like that, Sasuke?"

Sasuke flushes for a second, and all eyes turn to him. 

"Y-yeah." He says, face burning, "That would be...nice."

"Alright, we'll get started on that later, then. Breakfast will be finished soon, you two." 

"Okay," Shinki nods, tugging at his father's hand, "Can we play until then?"

"Of course you can." He says, patting his son's head, "We'll call you two when it's ready."

"Okay!" Sarada says, taking Shinki's hand and tugging him back to the living room. 

"So much energy." Sasuke says, watching them run off. Gaara nods.

"I'm amazed by it, frankly." 

"Pancakes, huh?" Sasuke asks, not letting go of Gaara's hand. 

It must be okay, right? If they're together now…

Isn't this what people did? It's what _Sasuke_ _wanted_ to do. He remembers wanting to take Gaara's hand these past few weeks, but unable to articulate _why._ He knew better now, and Gaara didn't seem to have any issue with it…

Maybe Sasuke's thinking too much.

Sasuke really didn't know how to do this. But Gaara's hand kept ahold of his as well, so maybe he wasn't as out of his depth as he thought. The omega's scent was sweet and clearly pleased, so Sasuke obviously wasn't messing anything up. He exhales in relief.

"They insisted, and I suppose I couldn't deny them." Gaara says, smiling lightly, "I'm almost done."

"I can help."

"You don't have to, it's your birthday."

"That doesn't mean you should do everything yourself." Sasuke says, shyly squeezing his hand, "I'll help."

Gaara smiles, "Alright. But only if you want to."

"Just tell me what to do." Sasuke says.

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

The children barrel into the kitchen when they call, then Gaara and Sasuke preoccupy themselves with settling the kids down enough for them to eat without too much mess. They move around each other like well oiled machines, shyly glancing at one another every now and again. By the time everything is on the table and they sit down together, the sun has risen high in the sky and the heat of Suna sets in.

Sasuke can't help his eyes glancing to Gaara every now and again during their easy conversation, taking in his little expressions when he wasn't paying attention. It was worse now, because well...now he _ could _ do that. With nothing stopping him, Sasuke is going to be glancing at the omega even more now. The kids don't seem to notice anything has changed, and they happily talk about their toys and games as they eat their pancakes, and Sasuke and Gaara smile fondly at them and each other as they help them not spill the syrup all over their plates. 

"Papa!" Sarada asks, "What special thing should we do for your birthday?"

"Oh…" he thinks, "Hm."

His eyes settle on Gaara once more, and he looks into questioning green eyes.

Sasuke thinks for a moment. He hasn't celebrated his birthday in years. The last one he celebrated was...he couldn't remember, really.

Everything Sasuke wanted was rather mundane, really. Nothing extravagant at all. 

Like this. 

This was nice.

"What do people usually do on their birthday?" Sasuke asks, realizing he's basically forgotten. So many little parts of being _ human _ haven't applied for him the last few years, when he was on missions constantly and avoiding everyone he could. 

Sasuke had completely forgotten about little details of life. Like _ birthdays. _

Granted, he supposes it wasn't really his fault, but still…

The children look at Gaara, looking for an answer.

"Well, I think it's up to the individual, really." Gaara says thoughtfully, "I personally don't like parties or surprises, so I just spend the day with people who make me happy. So, it's really up to you."

Sasuke thinks about that for a moment, as he pours both of them some more tea. 

"I guess I-" Sasuke starts, before he stops and considers what exactly he wants to say, "Then, this is fine. Just...being here is enough."

He hands Gaara his mug and his eyes settle back on Gaara's, who looks at him warmly.

"So we can stay here today?" Sarada asks, hopeful.

"Of course you can. We'll just spend the day together." Gaara says, "I'd like that too. I hope it's not selfish to say that I hoped you'd still stay for the day."

"No, why would it be?" Sasuke says, "I want to."

Gaara looks sufficiently reassured, and Sasuke has the sudden urge to take his hand again.

Garuda taps at the window, though, completely derailing that thought.

They both startle a bit, Gaara's sand rushing back to defend the children and Sasuke's sharingan glowing bright red. Once they realize it's just a moody bird they both relax, relieved. Gaara's sand crumbles and swirls into the air and Sasuke calms his eyes, taking a breath. Sarada and Shinki watch their fathers' abilities, wide-eyed.

Sasuke wanders over and clicks the window open, letting in more Suna heat and his summon.

The hawk lands on his shoulder and immediately pecks at Sasuke's head in annoyance. Sarada giggles and Shinki looks on, interested.

"Garuda. Stop that." He says, waving the temperamental bird away. She gives him an indignant squawk and drops a paper in his hand, flying off deeper into the apartment.

"Garuda seems moody today." Gaara says, watching her take off.

"She gets a bit snippy with me when she has to bring me letters from the Leaf." Sasuke says, coming back to sit with Gaara at the table, "She doesn't like the forest too much. Too many creatures trying to swipe at her, I guess."

"Ah." 

He glanced at the paper delivered to him, and in Naruto's scribble he can read 'Happy Birthday, Sasuke!' in his usual messy scrawl. It said nothing else, but it usually didn't. He hands the note to Gaara, who reads it quickly and blinks at Sasuke.

"He doesn't even need to sign it." Gaara says, "His handwriting gives him away."

Sasuke actually laughs at that.

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

When they've finished, Shinki and Sarada are washed up and are off playing together once again, causing a commotion around the apartment while their parents clean up.

The kids want to do a puzzle after breakfast, and neither of them can find it in themselves to refuse, so they all gather under the kotatsu in the Kazekage's living room and spill the pieces across the surface, trying to arrange them into some semblance of a picture. 

Sasuke helps Shinki put the box somewhere out of the way, and Sarada plops into Gaara's lap, grinning from ear to ear. Shinki does the same once Sasuke takes his seat, simply moving Sasuke's empty sleeve and looking up at him.

"Help me?"

"Sure, Shinki." Sasuke says, showing him a piece, "Where do you think this goes?"

Shinki finds the corresponding piece, looking proud of himself. Sasuke gives the boy a little smile and snaps it in place.

"I can get more puzzle pieces than you, Shinki!" Sarada teases, clicking one piece in place with Gaara's help.

"No, I'm very good at this one. Father told me so." Shinki says calmly, yet somehow managing to look just as competitive in his own way.

They just watch in amusement as the children try to put the puzzle together faster than the other, helping occasionally when they both seem stuck.

In the end the two of them seem to forget about the competition and instead just finish the puzzle together. Sasuke helps Shinki snap the last piece in place and Sarada waves her hands, happy.

"We did it!"

"Good job, you two." Gaara says, gently pinching Sarada's cheek, making the little girl giggle.

Sasuke may be estranged from this particular emotion, but he knows happiness when he feels it.

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

"Father?" Shinki asks later, once they're putting everything away and about to start preparing to make the cake, "What happened to your neck?" 

Gaara opens and closes his mouth, clearly caught off guard by the question. His hand flies to his neck, and his face goes red. Sarada is off somewhere, most likely rounding up some of Shinki's toys to dump in the living room, and Sasuke is just grateful they didn't have to deal with them both looking at them for answers. Sasuke feels his face go pink. 

"Don't worry about it, Shinki. I'm okay, I promise."

Thankfully for them both that's enough for the little boy, though he still looks puzzled. He simply nods and goes looking for Sarada, sufficiently distracted by the fact that another child was in the apartment. 

Gaara sighs, relieved. Sasuke lets out a breath he doesn't know he's been holding.

Gaara's fingers quickly run over his neck, looking thoughtful, "I didn't know I had marks."

"Hn. Sorry." Sasuke mumbles, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden.

"Don't apologize. It's alright, really." Gaara says, "I just didn't know they were there. You...have a few yourself."

Sasuke blinks at him, surprised. His face goes hot.

"Really?"

"Yes. On your neck. It's hidden by your hair." Gaara tells him, just as flushed, "You have some... scratches on your back, too. I... apologize for that."

"You don't have to." Sasuke says, "I don't feel anything. Didn't even notice."

"Oh, good."

"Do yours hurt?"

"No."

"Good."

They decide to make the cake around noon, and the children barrel into the kitchen, excited. Gaara measures out the flour and gently helps Shinki sift it, clearly proud of the little boy when he takes to it quickly. Sarada and Sasuke start on the icing with Gaara's instruction, Sarada more than happy to taste test to make sure it comes out okay. Sasuke lets her dump way more sugar than is necessary, but he can't say no to her. Once the cake is in the oven and the icing is ready Shinki wanders over and Sasuke gives him the spoon they were using to make the icing, amused when the child simply decides to eat it. Sarada wants the spoon with the batter on it, so she wanders over to Gaara and tugs at his robe.

Shinki licks at the spoon of icing and blinks up at Sasuke curiously, eyes wide.

Sasuke pats his head, "What's wrong, Shinki?"

"Do you see in purple because of your eye?" The little boy asks earnestly.

That makes Sasuke laugh, "No, I see the same colors as you."

"Oh. You should see in purple. I think that would be nice." He says blankly, before he peers at the cake in the oven again.

Sasuke is convinced children are the funniest things on earth.

Eventually they both run off to play hide and seek, filling the apartment with the sounds of their play as Sasuke watches them run about, finding each other and giggling before starting their game again.

He watches how Sarada effortlessly seems to pull Shinki out of his shell. He's not surprised. She's a chatty and bubbly little thing.

"You okay?" Gaara asks, appearing next to him. Sasuke immediately relaxes at the scent that's suddenly so strong next to him. The Uchiha nods.

"Yeah, just watching them." Sasuke says, "Shinki is just like you, but Sarada is nothing like me."

"She's more like you than you realize." Gaara says, "She's a good listener, for one. She's just a bit more outgoing, that's all."

Gaara takes his hand. It's a small point of contact, but it's so immensely _ comforting _, having Gaara's hand in his own…

"I haven't been there for her." Sasuke says, voice quiet, "Hopefully now I can change that."

"You're here for her now." Gaara gently assures him, "That's what she's going to remember."

He squeezes Sasuke's hand and his previous sadness goes up in smoke. It evaporates further when Sarada runs up to him and hugs his leg, looking up at him with big, bright eyes.

"Shinki's sooo good at hiding!" She says, "He disappeared!"

"Did he?" He asks, heart brightening as he looks at his daughter, "Where do you think he could be?"

"I dunno! I checked his room and the kitchen and the living room and _ even _ the _ other _ room but I _ can't _ find him!"

"I guess he's had a lot of practice." He tells her, smiling gently.

"Yeah!"

"I'll let you in on a secret." Gaara says, kneeling to speak to her, "Look for any black sand you may see. You'll find him soon. Shinki has a lot of tricks when it comes to hide-and-seek."

"Oh! I saw some in the kitchen!" She says brightly, "I know where he is!"

She darts off and they watch her in shared amusement.

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sarada spends a good twenty minutes asking Gaara questions about his sand, and the Kazekage spends another twenty minutes entertaining the little girl with the shapes he makes in the air for her. She seems endlessly amused and clings to Gaara by the end, enamored with the omega. Shinki, however, trails Sasuke and the Uchiha ends up conjuring up a Susanoo'o arm to amuse him. The little boy has a constant stream of questions about it, and Sasuke answers as best he can. It's a bit hard to condense it for a child, but the boy seems satisfied, so at least there's that. Sarada barrels into him not long after, eyes bright as she cheers about Gaara's sand. 

"You know," he tells her, glancing at Gaara, who is talking to an excited Shinki only a few feet away, "He stopped a meteor with his sand once."

"A meteor?" Sarada asks, bouncing on her feet.

"Yeah." He says, "Two, actually."

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

"You should see the entire Susanoo'o." He hears Gaara say, picking up Shinki, "It's bigger than you can imagine."

"Really?" Shinki asks, eyes wide.

"It is." Gaara says, "And it has a _ sword _."

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

The sky goes gray and storm clouds begin to roll in. It happens so quickly that Sasuke doesn't even realize it's raining until he's finished helping Shinki find Sarada during their next round of hide and seek while Gaara checks on the cake. When he comes back into the living room the omega is standing in front of the large window, just watching the grey clouds roll in and begin to pour. 

He comes to stand next to him, their hands touching but not intertwining for the first time that day.

"Rain." Gaara says, gesturing outside the large window.

"Hm." Sasuke says, frowning, "Bad luck."

Gaara looks at him in question.

"In Konoha, rain on your birthday is bad luck. Apparently." He says flippantly. He's never believed stupid superstitions, but he did still remember how it was whispered among the children when he was in the academy.

"Differences in culture, I assume." Gaara says, looking a bit surprised, "Here, the rain is very good luck. Because it's so rare, we cherish it. Especially on your birthday. A sign of something good to come. Something new."

"Oh...huh." Sasuke says, taken aback. He turns back to the window and the rain, eyes catching sight of how Suna's people run about the storm happily, children splashing in puddles and laughing loudly.

"Your scent smells like rain, actually. And lightning. What a coincidence." Gaara adds.

"Does it?" He asks, flushing a bit and turning to look at the omega beside him in surprise. He was never really sure what he smelled like. Sasuke never asked. No one ever told him. 

"Yes." Gaara says, "It's nice."

Sasuke feels the small smile on his face as his face goes a bit warmer, "Yours is, too. Sort of like...earth and flowers. Like a greenhouse."

"Oh. I…" Gaara starts, face flushing, "I had no idea."

"Has no one ever told you?"

"No." Gaara tells him, "My scent appeals to some more than others, but I didn't know the specifics. Temari and Kankuro think I smell the same as I did as a newborn, so they're not really...reliable. Usually only...lovers or mates can tell each other what their true scents are."

Sasuke's face flushes. Lovers.

Hn.

"Well, you smell like flowers. And the desert." Sasuke says, "It's nice. Calming."

He looks at Gaara, something welling up in his chest. 

"Sasuke?"

Sasuke shakes himself out of his thoughts, blinking at the omega.

"I'm okay."

"Sure?"

"Yeah." He says, feeling embarrassed, "Sorry."

"Nothing to apologise for." Gaara assures him, taking his hand, "Just wanted to be sure you were alright."

"Yeah, I'm...I'm fine." Sasuke says, gripping his hand tight, "Just thinking."

"What about?"

Sasuke flounders, unsure whether to articulate his thoughts. He flushes, not wanting to voice his embarrassing monologue.

"Nothing, I just...like you, is all." He says, hesitant and unsure of saying such a thing so plainly.

"I like you too." Gaara says, not missing a beat.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sarada distracts Sasuke in the living room as Gaara and Shinki ice the cake, and eventually, Sarada and Shinki swap places so Sarada can help decorate and put the candles on the cake while Shinki distracts Sasuke by asking for help with some matching card game Sasuke's never seen before.

Of course he only knows this after Gaara tells him a while later, but at the time he didn't really suspect anything. 

So when Sarada crashes into his lap (and Shinki) and points to the cake that Gaara brings into the room, he's a bit lost until he gets it. 

The children cheer (or, rather- scream) happy birthday at him, and Gaara pushes everything on the table aside to place the cake in front of Sasuke.

"Happy birthday." He says, and Sasuke looks up at him. 

Gaara presses a quick kiss to his forehead, shy and obviously unsure, but so, so, _ so _ obviously _ fond _. Sasuke's heart squeezes at the affection shown towards him, and his breath catches for a second. Gaara moves to turn away, but Sasuke finds his hand darting out to take his wrist. The children in his lap pay them no mind, fawning over the cake and chatting among themselves, but Sasuke just blinks up at Gaara, whose face is as red as his hair.

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

They start on dinner once the children are back to running around the apartment, making more noise together than they ever did apart. It doesn't bother either of them though. The sound of their children happy makes the house warmer for some reason, and so does being side by side in the kitchen, passing a recipe book back and forth and trying to decide what to make.

Sasuke hasn't felt so comfortable and warm with so many people around him in years. Every now and again Sarada rushes up to him and tells him something funny that she or Shinki just did, and Sasuke can't help but ruffle her hair, heart light. Such a foreign feeling. Is this what it was supposed to be like? Why didn't anyone tell him?

They eventually settle on a pasta that neither of them can even bother to try and pronounce, but it looks very good, and soon enough they're gathering ingredients and bumping shoulders as they move, 

Sasuke mixes the marinade for the shrimp while Gaara cuts the chives. Every now and again they can't help glancing over at each other, happy with this warm feeling that's settled over them all. A long-sought contentment that came with being at ease with someone close to you.

They use glass noodles instead of the brown rice noodles the recipe calls for, since neither of them can see how it makes a difference. And even more than that, no one wants to leave the cozy environment in the apartment to go to the market. 

"You seem to like cooking." Gaara says, letting Sarada and Shinki taste some of the broth that's finished cooking when they both tug at his hand and ask. The omega makes sure the sauce is cool enough, then carefully gives them each a spoonful before they run off once again, darting around the house.

Sasuke looks at the sky outside the window, thinking for a moment, "My mom used to cook, I used to help her sometimes."

"Sounds like a very nice memory. It seems dear to you." 

Sasuke feels his face soften at Gaara's words. 

"What about your mom?" Sasuke asks, "I...know you didn't know her, but maybe Temari or Kankuro told you something?"

Gaara smiles, "From what I've heard, my mother was terrible at it. Which I actually love. I find it very funny. She apparently burned everything she tried, even despite my uncle's best efforts to teach her."

"Really? You turned out okay with it, though." Sasuke says.

"After years of practice." Gaara laughs, "Temari liked to joke that I somehow inherited her ability to set anything on fire. I learned eventually, though. I think it's just a symptom of children who grow up alone."

"Hm. Yeah, I burned a lot of things too. Myself included." Sasuke says, thoughtfully, "Or I got it from my father, who couldn't even manage a cup of tea."

"My God."

"I know." Sasuke smiles.

It doesn't hurt, remembering his family right then. It's nice. It feels different. 

They set the table as the children run about, and eventually they gather them for dinner under the big window that looks over the village from Gaara's living room. Sarada gets most of her pasta on her shirt, and Shinki spills his juice twice. Gaara laughs, clearly amused as their hands find each other under the table, holding tight. Sasuke's fingers close around the hand in his own, heart warming and something he could identify as contentment settles in his bones.

Suna had such a clear night sky. 

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

"Can you stay again?" Shinki asks after dinner, clutching Sarada's hand, looking up at Sasuke with big, green eyes, once the dishes are cleared and the cake is put away.

"Pleeeeeease?" Sarada asks, crawling into Gaara's lap.

They both look at each other and pause for a moment, trying to gauge the other's reaction. 

"Well, if you two would like to, you're more than welcome." Gaara says, "But it's really up to Sa-"

"Yeah." Sasuke says, "We should...stay another night, right Sarada?"

The little girl beams, "Yeah!!"

Gaara smiles. And that's that.

Sasuke sends a clone back to his apartment to feed the cat and pick up one of Sarada's toys, and while it does that he and Gaara get the children ready for another bath and then bed, giving in and reading them a story when they ask. They didn't take much convincing, in the end.

Sasuke and Gaara take turns reading each page, Sarada snuggled up to Gaara and Shinki settled into Sasuke's lap, looking at the pictures in interest. 

The clone returns with Sarada's stuffed dog before the last page, collapsing into silver snakes when he releases it. He tucks the stuffed toy in with a dozing Sarada and Shinki, before gently closing the door once more. 

He returns to the bedroom after not finding Gaara in the kitchen, and his eyes fall in the Kazekage, who turns from a small closet. Gaara has a small pile of folded clothes in his arms, looking up at Sasuke with an expression that he can only describe as shy.

"If you'd like to shower you can go ahead." Gaara says, "Some of Kankuro's clothes should fit you. He keeps a few things here for when he stays over."

"Oh, yeah. That would be nice. Thanks." Sasuke says, taking the clothes from him. Their hands touch and their eyes meet, and this time neither of them bother to look away.

They didn't exactly have any reason to now, did they? There were no feelings left to hide. They already knew where they stood with each other. 

So they have their quiet moment, just enjoying his new aspect of their relationship and dwelling on the fact that they could be together, like this. 

Sasuke was still processing it. He knew Gaara was too.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke sinks into the water for a quiet moment, thinking about how much everything has changed in such a short time. The warm water soothes him, but Gaara's scent lingers in the bathroom as well, on every towel and surface, and that helps too. He's been breathing in the man's scent all day, but it still settles him completely. Like the first time. 

There's another potted plant on the windowsill, and Sasuke sees that this one has bloomed a flower as well. 

He doesn't spend too long pondering the turn of events, simply because it's the first time he's been completely alone all day, and he's not really a fan of it. So he finishes up and washed the soap from his hair, drying off and tugging on the clothes Gaara's given to him. Kankuro is a bit wider in the shoulders than he is, but otherwise it's a pretty good fit. 

Sasuke towel dries his hair before frowning and picking at his tangled ends. Then he clicks the light off and makes his way to Gaara's bedroom. On the way he passes the guest bathroom, and he wouldn't even spare it a glance if the light wasn't on and he didn't suddenly sense movement inside.

The door is open slightly - only a crack, but it's enough - and he glimpses Gaara on the way past. It's so quick he would have missed it as he walked by if he was someone less observant, but he catches it. He's not _ trying _ to peek, but - well, does it even really matter? He's seen Gaara naked already, and anyway, that's not what catches his attention for the few milliseconds he glimpses his skin. Well, not _ completely. _

It's the finger shaped bruise on Gaara's hip. A mark that Sasuke made on the omega's body, just like the purpling marks on his neck.

The mental image stays with him as he flips through the birthday present Gaara's given him as he sits on Gaara's bed while the man showers, until the redhead returns to the bedroom - hair wet and skin slightly reddened from the heat of the bath. Then Sasuke's distracted by him once again, taking in how his hair was a slightly darker red once wet.

"I'm sorry, you didn't have to wait up for me. Are you tired?" He asks, green eyes warm on Sasuke's.

"Don't apologize. I wanted to wait for you." Sasuke tells him, closing the book and putting it on the nightstand. Gaara gives him that gentle smile as he turns out the hallway lights and closes the door. 

"I checked on the children." Gaara says, "They're still asleep."

"Oh. Good." Sasuke says, "I suppose we should…"

Maybe they were going to have work through a bit of awkwardness. But oddly enough it still feels comfortable, even it's...newness. 

He has no idea if his thoughts are making sense anymore, but he doesn't really dwell on it. He has other things to worry about.

"Yes."

They don't fall into bed like last night. Sasuke turns out the light and they crawl under the blankets together, just studying each other in the dark. A comfortable silence falls over them for a moment, the air in the room quiet and cool. Moonlight glints off of the terrariums hanging from the ceiling. 

Sasuke knows he wants to say something, but he doesn't know what. He settles his face into a pillow that smells like Gaara. The omega settles next to him, and Sasuke can't help looking into his face, eyes searching.

"What're you thinking about?" Gaara asks, softly.

"It was a good birthday." Sasuke says simply, "Thank you."

Gaara gives him that small smile, "I'm happy you enjoyed your day."

The moon casts shadows on their faces, and after a moment of just looking at each other, Gaara speaks.

"It's...thank you for staying another night." 

His words are hesitant and quiet. Sasuke hears them loud and clear, though. His chest goes tight, and he quickly finds himself saying, "You don't have to thank me. I wanted to. I... prefer to be with you, really."

Sasuke has no idea how to say such things without looking away in discomfort or flushing completely red, but he manages it. Maybe the dark makes him a bit more confident. It was easier to say such things in the moonlight.

"I feel the same." Gaara says, "It seems that I'm able to relax when you're near."

Sasuke looks at him in the surprise he always felt when he realized that he helped Gaara just as much as the man helped him. Sasuke feels a bit flustered then, suddenly. He clenches his fist and feels his face go flush, eyes on Gaara's green and unable to tear away.

Then he asks the question that's been in the back of his mind since he settled here. That felt like such a long time ago now. 

Especially from where he was now, in Gaara's bed.

"Why...why were you so kind to me when I showed up in Suna the first time?" Sasuke asks. The question popped into his head on a whim one day, but once he thought it he'd been genuinely curious. Why was Gaara so understanding? Why didn't he have ANBU watch him like other kages did when Sasuke entered their villages?

Gaara looks surprised for a moment, then his eyes go soft. 

"I...you're not an _ enemy, _ Sasuke." Gaara says, "You looked wary, and I wasn't sure why but...at the time, I was just happy you were in one piece, really. I know we'd never been close. But I was...aware you'd been through a lot, though I didn't know the details. So I... I felt the need to…"

He trails off, face reddening.

"Help." He finishes, before he adds, "At least. That was the sentiment in the beginning. And then I...I...learned who you are and I... I liked you. I wanted to be close to you."

Sasuke doesn't understand. He can't. Not fully. Why would anyone want to be close to him? Much less someone like Gaara? 

Sasuke had nothing to offer other than - what, _ power _ ? Nothing _ else _ , surely. Nothing that made him valuable _ outside _ of fighting and battle. He was a shit communicator, not exactly fun to be around, brooding, was bound to get lost in the past or a flashback at any given second, couldn't talk about anything because almost everything brought up a terrible memory, didn't have any hobbies outside of missions, didn't understand most social cues, couldn't carry a conversation -

He doesn't realize he's said his first few thoughts out loud until green eyes go somehow softer. He's just thankful he didn't say the rest.

"You have a gentle, soothing light, Sasuke." Gaara says, "You listen to those you care for, and you look after others in any way you can. You're kind. You're self-sacrificing. You love your daughter so much, and you're so happy to be with her that you forgot your own birthday. You stayed in the desert for days, and suffered injury to protect me. There are many reasons to be fond of you. I couldn't possibly list them all."

Sasuke feels his eyes widen, but he doesn't know what to say. Everything he _ would _ say gets tangled in his chest and he can't get any of it out.

So...Gaara knew that Sasuke fought the Ototsuki for him. And it _ was _ for him, wasn't it? Sasuke had been enraged when he heard the creature's words about claiming Gaara like the omega was some toy. He didn't realize it completely at the time, but he understands now. And Gaara understood even before he did.

That small, fragile part of Sasuke goes weak once again in the face of the omega who looks at him with nothing but open fondness.

Sasuke reaches for him without thinking, before stopping short. He feels his face go red at his own abruptness, and doesn't know what to do for a moment. He just stares at Gaara, struck by his own embarrassment. He doesn't know why. They've done way more intimate things than this, but Sasuke can't help the uncertainty.

"You can touch me." Gaara says softly, eyes gentle in the dark.

Sasuke takes a steadying breath.

He presses his fingers to his neck. He gave Gaara a bruise right on his scent gland the night before, simply trying not to bite down and mark the Kazekage forever.

Gaara's eyes go a bit dazed as Sasuke runs his fingers over it.

One of Gaara's hands comes up to fist in his shirt, like he wants to clutch Sasuke closer. Sea-green eyes study the Uchiha's face, taking in the permanent rinnegan and the sharpness of his eyes. His hair, inky black and well past his shoulders.

"I was happy, when you asked me today." Gaara says quietly, "I wasn't sure you would. I...wanted to stay with you, but I wasn't sure if…if I would hurt you or make you uncomfortable. I just didn't want to send the impression that you owed me companionship."

"I never thought that." Sasuke says, "I wanted to be near you, I just didn't know why, or what these feelings were but…"

He trails off, distracted by how Gaara looks in the moonlight. How Gaara looks at _ him _ . Sasuke can't help reaching for him again, pressing fingertips to his cheek, still so new to being so near someone and being so _ comfortable _ with it. It's like now that he could touch him, Sasuke couldn't stop. It was the strangest thing.

Well, maybe not so strange anymore.

Sasuke - somewhat dazedly - moves his hand to run through Gaara's hair, and the alpha is surprised when the omega simply tugs at Sasuke's shirt, attempting to pull Sasuke close. The Uchiha willingly goes, sticking his face in Gaara's neck, tension leaking from his shoulders. Gaara tentatively presses his face to the alpha's shoulder, and the Uchiha's scent goes strong and pleased, having Gaara's body close to his own.

Sasuke immediately relaxes at the contact, scent going warm, grateful that Gaara seemed to know what he wanted, even though Sasuke absolutely sucked at asking for it. Sasuke wouldn't even really know what to say. He hasn't said the words 'I need a hug' since he was a child and his mother was there to freely give the affection he needed, though this was completely different. 

He would need to find the words eventually, especially since he craves a closeness with Gaara that he wasn't used to. Gaara being near him was _ comforting _ and now that he's had just a bit of physical affection that didn't hurt or come with conditions, Sasuke's heart needed more. Having the omega as a presence next to him settled him, and didn't make him feel so alone. Sasuke had been so lonely for _ so long _ that he had no idea how to articulate his desire for physical reassurance and affection. But Gaara seemed to _ know _ that, and knew when to be close to Sasuke and when to give the alpha his space. He didn't expect anything from Sasuke. Gaara's intent wasn't to control him or make him do what he wanted, like most in his life had. He simply accepted Sasuke.

Sasuke feels something turn in his chest.

He isn't sure who kisses who, but it doesn't really matter anyway. It's slow, gentle. Sleepy, even. His head empties of all thought and he just sighs into Gaara's mouth, the omega's scent going sweet and filling Sasuke's head with smoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do NOT know why this took so long to write oh my God. Writer's block hit me like a truck. 
> 
> Anyway this chapter is gushy and gross and sappy and y'all can fight me okay they deserve this. I was rewatching naruto recently and they're both SO SAD all the goddamn time this is about to be the most self indulgent story ever okay. 
> 
> Anyway, I like writing sasugaa romance. And sasugaa family fic. So here's this.  
Not betad. I'll correct stuff later.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sexual content.

The next few weeks are basically perfect. Granted, Sasuke still has his panic attacks and moments where his brain completely leaves him, but Gaara's around. He's there to hold Sasuke's hand or lend an ear and just listen to what's on his mind. And vice versa.

Living with someone is a completely new learning experience. He quickly learns things about Gaara that he wasn't aware of before. Not because he wasn't looking, but because essentially spending nights and entire days with Gaara just means he _ sees _ more. They begin staying over at each other's home most days of the oncoming weeks, and they both learn to adjust to having another adult so close. Someone they can rely on for help daily and be intimate with. They really only separate for Gaara's work and meetings. When he and Sarada went grocery shopping every week, he started buying foods he knew Gaara and Shinki liked as well.

They talk for hours, make dinner together, eat and put the children to bed.

They were over so often it felt normal. He got so used to waking up next to Gaara in the morning that it was weird when he _ didn't. _ It was also becoming more rare. Sarada grew used to having Shinki close by, and clearly missed him when the other child wasn't around. 

All of that compounded into the two small families seeing each other pretty often. 

They developed a routine.

He learns that Gaara has trouble sleeping unless Sasuke throws an arm around him before they drift off, so he adjusts accordingly. Gaara seems to instinctively know when Sasuke was feeling a bit..fragile, and needed quiet. They knew each other intimately, and knew what the other needed, and when.

Sasuke keeps some of his clothes at Gaara's apartment, Shinki has a few pairs of play clothes and pajamas beside Sarada's in the girl's dresser, and vice versa. When Gaara slept over he sometimes just wore Sasuke's clothes. They were slightly too big, but Sasuke didn't mind seeing him in his shirts, honestly.

He buys Gaara a toothbrush for his place, and Gaara's towel rack has an extra towel for Sasuke. Before long, even on the rare chance that they all weren't spending the day together, there are still signs of both Gaara and Shinki in the space. From the Kazekage's book that he was reading on the couch last night to some of Shinki's toys scattered across the living room floor with Sarada's.

It was nice. Even when they separated they always came back to each other. Going back to making dinner side by side - peering over a recipe - and talking about books, trying to keep the children out of trouble and making sure they're in bed on time. Sasuke isn't used to turning around and having someone there to tell all his thoughts, someone who would understand them. He isn't used to being able to reach beside him and take someone's hand.

Sasuke's _ getting _ used to it, though. 

He should probably be thinking a bit harder about what he'll do about Konoha, and Sakura, but honestly he's just enjoying how _ easy _ everything is currently. How _ comfortable _ life could be. 

He and Gaara have a thorough understanding of one another. 

Sasuke knows when Gaara has a migraine after work, and promptly found that the Kazekage needed his scent and a painkiller to resettle himself. Gaara knew when Sasuke didn't feel like talking, and was always content to sit in comfortable silence with him, which pretty much always made Sasuke feel better and relax again, even if it took a while.

That's not to say that Sasuke was magically cured, he still struggled all the time, still got so caught up in his own head that he started feeling previous pains again…

But…

He always felt a hand on his before it got too bad. Gaara always noticed, and calmed him down. Like he knew what Sasuke was feeling, and knew what to do. He should probably be used to it by now, but it still surprises him every time.

He knows he should be thinking more about what's coming next, but he's both distracted and maybe putting it off a bit, daunted by the inevitable stress it'll cause. 

Sasuke wakes up next to Gaara more often than not these days, whether they were at the mansion or Sasuke's place, and the contentment he feels is one he's loath to ruin by thinking about the more unpleasant things he'll have to deal with in the Leaf.

He honestly didn't want to think about it. He just wanted to enjoy waking up for a change. Enjoy how Gaara pushed the hair from his face when he woke up. How he smiled at Sasuke first thing in the morning, sleepy and soft. How Sasuke smiled back, and found it so easy to do so. How Gaara showers first while Sasuke brushes his teeth as they talk before they switch. How their children greet them with hugs and big smiles.

The absolute mess that was lingering in the peripheral view of his life is the last thing he wants to ruminate on. 

He's sufficiently distracted anyway. Both Gaara and the children keep him busy, and he _ likes _ that. He doesn't have time to think or brood about awful things, he has too much to do. Too much to think about.

They both decide that it's best for now to just keep the current development to themselves. It felt safer, that way. And neither of them were thrilled with the thought of others being privy to something that felt so..._ private _ . So new, for the both of them. They don't _ hide _ , they still shop and visit teahouses together, not overt with their affection but not refraining from holding hands much either, if they feel like it. Sasuke honestly can't tell if Suna's villagers are catching on or not - if they stare, or whisper as they go by - simply because he's not _ focused _ on them. He's usually preoccupied with listening to Gaara or one of the children. 

It was sort of like being in a bubble. Everything on the outside of the three people he was focused on daily hardly mattered. And Sasuke didn't mind that at all. Temari had gone back to Konoha until next month when she'd be visiting again and Kankuro was on a short mission to the Hidden Waterfall on business on behalf of Suna, so they had Gaara's apartment to themselves. They didn't even have to worry about Gaara's siblings for the moment.

It was nice to be focused on normal things, to be absorbed in his _ life _ and not whether or not he's going to wake up with some enemy ninja trying to shove a sword through his neck. Not war or missions. Or awful memories.

He thinks he may be getting the hang of it.

Times when he woke up in the middle of the night, uneasy from some unpleasant dream he couldn't remember, he found himself pressing closer to Gaara, reaching for him and curling up close to him. And without fail, Gaara sleepily pulled him closer, nuzzling into his neck - half asleep and pulling Sasuke close. 

His mind always settles after that.

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke stirs as Gaara rises from the warmth of their bed. Mismatched eyes open a crack, watching the Kazekage pull on his robe and stand. Sasuke frowns sleepily.

Gaara looks back at him, a small, fond smile on his lips.

"I just have a meeting. I'll be back very soon. Rest."

A hand runs through Sasuke's hair and he settles again, almost falling back asleep right there. He feels a pang of discontent when Gaara has to pull away to get ready, but he manages to stay somewhat awake until he feels Gaara press a kiss to his forehead, tell him he'll be back in about an hour, then quietly close the door.

Sasuke falls asleep once more, and when he wakes again (with two new little additions crawled into bed with him - Sarada curled up with her little head on his chest and Shinki cuddled up to his shoulder, fast asleep), Gaara is back, stroking his hair once again.

_ Family _...

_ That _ was it. They felt like a _ family _.

Sasuke wants it to stay like this. For as long as humanly possible.

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

They don't have sex every night, and only do when they feel like it. It's comfortable, when it does happen. Sasuke isn't used to being sexually attracted to...well, anyone. So when his eyes start finding Gaara when the man undresses for bed, or lingers on the omega's lips or waist, Sasuke feels a bit like an asshole until he remembers that it's probably normal. It's like Sasuke keeps forgetting that he's _ human _ . It's not _ strange _ to find the person you're with attractive, especially since Gaara _ is _ an omega, and a part of Sasuke is probably hard-wired to _ like _ and _ respond _ to the distinctly omegan behaviors Gaara exhibits. Biology, and all that. So while it was different, Sasuke has to remind himself that it's _ okay. _

Sasuke isn't even entirely sure he likes sex. He just knows he really likes sex with _ Gaara. _ He's an active participant in bed with him, not being forced to do whatever whoever had him wanted. After a while it even stops being such a big deal. They become so used to each other that sex is no longer a huge significance. Which means they end up doing it more often, and can actually look each other in the eye with little to no embarrassment afterward. They're comfortable with each other. And maybe they're both still a bit love-starved, too. 

In an embarrassed way he's glad that Gaara seems to have no problem being under him every time. Sasuke's sure that he couldn't handle any other way. Too much bad was associated with being under someone for him, but Gaara seemed fine and had no desire to be on top unless Sasuke was still inside him, so it's not even a conversation that comes up. They picked their positions that make them most comfortable, and they just happened to compliment each other. So that's one thing in Sasuke's life that isn't complicated. Which helps.

It's not all rainbows, though. It's only happened three times, but he occasionally flashed back to Orochimaru or something as unpleasant, and Gaara made them stop. Gaara has his own triggers, though they've only had to stop for the redhead about twice so far - but they always pause to breathe, and sometimes they continue, but sometimes they _ don't _ . And those times are always _ just as good _. They drink tea, lean on each other, and talk. Gaara doesn't make him feel like a broken toy. 

He finds himself hoping Gaara doesn't have any meetings in the mornings, so he can stay. There's a few days a week where Gaara's free, and Sasuke likes when he's close, for his own sanity. 

Sasuke never thought of himself as clingy, and he still doesn't, but he had this need to have Gaara within eyeshot. He just wants the omega around.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sarada starts tutoring with Shinki two weeks after that. Sasuke had to remember to ask when the new school year was coming up, and he learns it's sooner than he thought. Gaara offers for her to attend tutoring with Shinki, to make sure she's ready for the academic year. 

Sasuke breathes a sigh of relief and accepts. 

"You'll like Tsumi-San." Shinki tells her, "She's really nice, and she gives you snacks when you're good."

"Really?"

"Yes. She's a good teacher. We sing songs, too."

But when the time comes Sasuke is a bit hesitant about letting her go. He met the woman days ago, and she's very warm and kind - ideal for a teacher of small children - but he hasn't been separated from Sarada for so long in a while. Even if it was a few hours he still hugs her extra long and has a hard time letting her go. The little girl is thrilled, excited about school and her tutoring until it starts.

He's been slightly worried about how Sarada would handle going away for hours a day for school, but now Sasuke knows the one he has to worry about is _ himself _ . How's _ he _ going to be able to handle having her somewhere else _ every day _ for _ hours _?

"It's a lot to get used to." Gaara says, "I'm not looking forward to it either. Shinki's first year of school starts this year, and I can't help thinking I'll miss him most of the day."

At least Sasuke knows he's not crazy.

* * *

* * *

* * *

He and Sarada are alone at home about a week later when the topic finally comes up. Gaara had a meeting early this morning, so he bundled Shinki into his arms and headed home, much to Sasuke's chagrin. But either way they'd be back tonight, so he and Sarada bid them goodbye for the few hours they'll be apart and settle into their day. 

Sasuke can't help but feel strange that they're not around, and Sarada tugs at his hand at around noon and asks when they'll be back. Sasuke puts down his book and gently squeezes her cheek.

"Tonight, peanut. Don't worry."

She pouts, "But that's a long time!"

He sighs and pats her head, "I know. But try not to think about it, okay? They'll be back before you know it."

"Okay." She says, still a bit upset. After a moment she blinks up at him again before she asks, "Papa?" 

"Hm?"

"Why do you kiss Gaara so much?"

Sasuke pauses, his finger still on the page he was about to turn. His mind races for something to say, but then he decides to just be honest, and put it as simply as he can for her. He's been bracing himself for this conversation at some point. Eventually she would ask him something.

"You kiss a lot!" She says. She doesn't sound upset, simply curious. She looks up at him, expecting an answer.

"Uh, well." He starts, unsure what to say, face flushing, "Because I like him. And he likes me. So it's alright to do that kind of thing."

"Papa! Your face is red!" She laughs. He grabs her into a hug, making her giggle harder. After a moment her giggles die down and Sasuke simply holds her, content.

"Papa?"

"Hm?"

"You look happy with Gaara. You look sad when Mama is around."

Hearing her say something so dark makes him feel immensely guilty all of a sudden. She saw more than he ever thought. 

But he remembers being a child, picking up on things adults thought slipped by him.

He wonders what could have been going through her little head, seeing all of that at such a young age.

"I'm sorry you had to see me sad, Sarada." He says quietly, heart heavy all of a sudden as he presses a kiss to her forehead.

"It's okay! But...Papa…" she asks, crawling into his lap, "You're not sad now, right?"

"No I'm not, peanut." He says, wrapping his arm around her and cuddling her close.

"Yay!" Then she pauses, tilting her head. Sasuke smiles, seeing her adopt a few of Gaara's habits.

"Are you guys gonna get married?" She asks, eyes wide. She looks excited already, and he hasn't even answered yet.

Hm. What a question. Sasuke thinks for a moment.

"Maybe." He smiles, "We'd have to talk about it."

"Papa?"

"Hm?"

"What about...about Mama?"

He's never heard her sound so unsure before. It hurts, to have to explain this to her while she's so young. She couldn't fully understand, especially not at this age, but he could try to make this as simple for her as possible.

"Well...she can be free to find someone she really likes, too." Sasuke says, "It just...can't be me. I'm sorry, peanut."

She thinks for a moment, considering what her father has told her. Then she blinks up at him again.

"That's okay." She shrugs, "I was kinda sad before, but it was because I just missed you a lot!"

"You'll never have to miss me again, I promise." 

She beams and he envelopes her in another hug, heart as warm as it always was when he held her.

"I love you very, very, very much, Sarada." He says.

"I love you too!" She grins, "Papa?"

"Hm?"

"We can stay together now, right?"

"Of course we can."

"With...with Shinki and Gaara too?"

He ruffles her hair, "Definitely."

Sarada cuddles into him, and Sasuke holds her close.

When they come back that night, Sarada happily jumps into Gaara's arms, hugging him tight. The omega cradles the little girl, heart warm.

* * *

* * *

* * *

The kids are asleep in Shinki's room a few days later, tired out from hours of play and full from dinner. 

They talk amongst themselves as they put the dishes away, and somehow they end up pressed against each other, breathing the same air. They've both been away from each other all day, and Sasuke wonders if their instincts are in overdrive simply because they're used to being close to each other, and their bodies are attuned to the other. 

"Sarada finally asked me about us." Sasuke tells him, "She wanted to know why we kiss all the time."

Gaara looks surprised for a second, then amused.

"Did she really?"

"She did." He says, "She said I looked happy with you."

"I suppose they both notice more than we think." Gaara says, "Shinki asked me about it, too."

"Did he?"

"Yes, he asked why I smell so nice around you." Gaara smiles gently, "I suppose my scent changes even when I don't notice it."

"Hm. Mine too. I guess it's normal." Sasuke says, before he adds, "Sarada asked if we're going to get married."

Gaara looks surprised, then he says, "Shinki asked me the exact same thing."

Now it's Sasuke's turn to look a bit startled. 

"Did they plan that?"

"Most likely."

* * *

* * *

* * *

Kankuro barges into Gaara's bedroom one morning after coming back from his mission - loud and already in the middle of saying something - before his eyes catch on them both and he freezes. His eyes widen and he blinks at them incredulously for a moment, like his brain can't quite process what he's seeing.

They're wrapped around each other in bed as usual and Sasuke groans and shoves the pillow over his face, trying to block out the puppeteer's noise. At least they're actually dressed.

Gaara barely opens his eyes, and he doesn't pull away from Sasuke either.

He just mumbles, "You really should stop bursting into my room like that." 

Kankuro stares at them, eyes wide. He doesn't move, just gaping at them. He doesn't have his makeup on, so it's easy to see the shock on his face. 

"Whoa! Wait -! _ What? _ When did you two start-?!"

His eyes dart between them - Sasuke holding the omega close and Gaara basically using Sasuke as a pillow - confusion in his eyes.

"_ Out, _ Kankuro." Gaara says again, still not bothering to open his eyes or pull his face from Sasuke's neck. The man stammers for a second more before he leaves, looking like he's in a daze. The door clicks shut.

"Guess we're awake." Sasuke says, muffled from the pillow still on his face.

Gaara sighs, "It seems so. Sorry about that. Kankuro isn't good at knocking."

"Not your fault." He says, "Don't apologize."

"Hm. Well, he knows now." Gaara says, reluctantly sitting up and running his eyes.

Sasuke feels cold without Gaara's additional body heat against him. "Seems so.", He says.

He sits up as well, running his hand through his hair. 

"I'll go talk to Kankuro." Gaara sighs.

Sasuke blinks the sleep from his eyes and looks at the omega, "I'll come too. If he's going to give me a hard time about it then I should probably let him get it out of his system now."

They brush their teeth side by side - tired and leaning on each other - then walk into the kitchen to find Kankuro pacing like a caged lion before he spots them and stops abruptly.

"Explain."

"What's there to explain?" Gaara says, "I'm sure you can guess what's going on."

Kankuro looks like he's swallowed a lemon, "S-so you two are…"

Kankuro's eye twitches. Sasuke wonders if the man is about to bust a blood vessel. He's more amused than intimidated, and Gaara looks like a petulant little brother, annoyed by his older sibling's fussing.

"Yes."

"I _ knew _ it! I _ knew _ that's where this was going!" He says, taking a fistful of Sasuke's shirt in his hand and eyeing him critically. The Uchiha just blinks at him. He wasn't surprised by the puppeteer's reaction in the least. Sasuke figured it was normal once you found your younger sibling in bed with someone. 

"I'm an adult." Gaara says, "Kankuro, let him go."

"_ You're my little brother!" _ Kankuro argues, eyes narrowing at Sasuke as he tightens his hold on his shirt, "I come back to catch you two in _ bed _ together-"

"I'm an _ adult _ ." Gaara repeats, "Besides, it's not like he's a stranger. It's _ Sasuke." _

Kankuro's face twists in annoyance, but he lets go of Sasuke's shirt, "Yeah. I guess you're right."

Then a thought seems to cross him and he grits his teeth. 

"You smell like each other. _ You two are having sex aren't you-?! _ You know what, _ don't _ answer that, I don't even know why I asked. I don't wanna know."

Gaara huffs, "Good, because it's none of your business."

Kankuro shoots a suspicious look their way.

"Everything about your life is my business." Kankuro says, folding his arms, "You're my little brother."

"I wasn't this annoying when you brought Inuzuka home." Gaara says, raising a non-existent eyebrow.

Sasuke's brows furrow. Inuzuka. That name sounded familiar. 

Wait...

_ "Kiba?" _ He asks, looking at Kankuro in surprise, "The one who's obsessed with his dog?"

Kankuro looks equal parts embarrassed that the conversation has been flipped on him and indignant at Sasuke's description of his alpha. His face goes red.

"He's not obsessed with his dog!" He huffs, frowning, "His clan _ raises _ dogs - which is _ fucking awesome _ by the way - and I don't know how we ended up making this about _ me- _"

"I'm just... surprised." Sasuke says, "He's not _ terrible _, just - "

"Just what?" Kankuro snaps, defensive.

"I didn't expect it." Sasuke finishes, quietly amused at Kankuro's mortification.

"Since I know you're going to tell Temari, please also tell her that she left one of her kimonos here." Gaara says as he clicks on the pot for tea.

Kankuro is about to respond when two little figures wander in, holding hands and rubbing their eyes.

Shinki spots Kankuro first, sleepily hugging his leg.

"Uncle Kankuro. Hello. I missed you."

"Hey buddy!" The puppeteer grins, running his hand through his nephews hair, previous annoyances forgotten. Sarada yawns and wanders over to Sasuke.

"Papa…"

"Good morning, peanut." 

He picks her up, cradling her. The little girl yawns again, leaning her little head on his shoulder.

"Sleepy…" she mumbles.

He smiles, heart soft, "I can tell."

"Uncle Kankuro, she's my new best friend." Shinki says, pointing to the little girl in Sasuke's arms.

Kankuro smiles down at his nephew, amused.

He looks at Sarada, who blinks at him with big eyes, curious.

"And who might you be?" Kankuro grins.

"I'm Sarada!" She cheers, a bit more awake.

"Nice to meet you Sarada." Kankuro smiles, "You seem a lot cooler than your dad."

She giggles.

Sasuke shakes his head in dry amusement.

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke has a nightmare one night, and manages to wake the both of them up. It takes him longer to get his bearings though, having just been wrenched from a terror. He doesn't even really remember what it's about, but he's having trouble breathing and his skin feels like it's crawling.

"Sasuke. You're safe, it's okay." Gaara's voice soothes, pulling him from his panic. He feels Gaara's hand on his arm, then his neck, grounding him. Sasuke still shakes, but he can breathe again. Gaara's scent goes warm and comforting, his body clearly reacting to Sasuke's stress.

Right. He was in Suna. In his apartment. In bed, with Gaara in one of his shirts, right beside him. Safe. He was safe.

"You're alright. You're safe. I promise."

Sasuke feels shame crawl up his throat, blinking blearily at Gaara - the omegas hair a mess and concern on his face - and shaking a bit. He woke Gaara up. Sasuke feels his face flush in embarrassment. The omega was probably exhausted and Sasuke was taking precious sleep from him...

"I should... I'll go sleep on the couch." Sasuke says, starting to gather himself and stand, "I'll probably have another one, and you get so little sleep already-"

Gaara shouldn't be wrenched awake at night because Sasuke can't control himself. Gaara was already tired. Sleeping was already something he struggled immensely with, and Sasuke knew that rest didn't come easy to the omega.

"You don't have to do that." Gaara tells him, frowning and sitting up, "And if you do, I'm reasonably certain you won't get any sleep out there."

Sasuke runs his shaking hand through his hair, eyes on Gaara.

"You have meetings tomorrow, I shouldn't be keeping you awake just because I can't fall asleep without you-"

"I can't sleep without you either." Gaara says, scent going warm with longing. Sasuke pauses, face flushing. Sasuke wanted to stay, anyway. He just didn't want to deprive the omega of any more sleep for the night.

But... Gaara looked panicked at the thought of Sasuke leaving him, and that has his will wavering. An instinctual part of Sasuke that was pure _alpha_ couldn't just leave when the omega so desperately wanted him to _stay_. It pretty much has the idea of sleeping somewhere else go up in smoke, compounded with the fact that Sasuke _also_ _hated_ the thought of sleeping somewhere else. Gaara was right. He'd get no sleep out there. Gaara's scent was all over the apartment, but he needed more than that now. He needed Gaara's presence, his touch. And if Gaara wanted him to stay...

The omega gently presses his face to Sasuke's neck, curling into him, "Please stay."

And that's that. Sasuke is coaxed back into bed and wrapped in Gaara's scent, soothed and content. He's relaxed and asleep within minutes.

So is Gaara.

* * *

* * *

* * *

"Does this taste okay to you?" Gaara asks. Sasuke turns and Gaara feeds him some of the soup he's making, since he's chopping the carrots and can't just drop the knife.

"Yeah. It's really good."

"Oh." Gaara says, "Great. I guess I just needed a second opinion. Everything has been tasting off to me lately, for some reason."

Sasuke looks at him, brows furrowing, "You okay?"

"Yes, I think so. It's just strange." Gaara says, "Anyway, the soup stock is finished. Kankuro should be back with the children soon."

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke finds a photo album on Gaara's bookshelf a week after that. 

Sasuke was simply skimming all the titles. He knew the books Gaara kept in his home, but every now and again he finds his eyes running across the spines anyway. His eyes fall on one volume that's blank, and once he takes it from the long line of books he realizes it's full of photos. He hears Gaara talking to the children in the kitchen, their excited little voices interspersed with Gaara's soft, fond tone.

Sasuke opens to the first page, curious. 

The first photo looks fairly recent, a little brown haired baby with big green eyes, held by a tired looking Gaara. He looks happy though, with his son nestled in his arms.

"Temari took that one." Gaara says, appearing at his side, "Shinki was about eight months in this picture."

Sasuke smiles. The little boy basically still looked the same. Same round face and wide-eyed gaze. He turns the page and sees a photo of Gaara, holding Shinki and feeding him from a bottle. He doesn't look any older than he did in the last picture. Gaara looks like he doesn't even know the picture is being taken, he just looks preoccupied with holding the bottle steady. 

There's another with Shinki holding a teddy bear that's almost too big for him and happily chewing on its ear. Another with Shinki in Gaara's lap and Kankuro puppeting a stuffed dog as Shinki laughs. 

Sasuke watches Shinki and Gaara's life in pictures, the little boy getting older as Sasuke keeps turning the pages. Gaara points out when some were taken, and Sasuke listens, interested. He laughs a bit when he finds a picture of Shinki covered in cookie dough, looking proud of himself.

"The first time I let him help me make cookies." Gaara smiles, recalling the memory, "Most of it ended up on his clothes."

"He looks happy, though." Sasuke smiles as he turns the page.

The next page's picture is a bit faded and wrinkled, but Sasuke's eyes land on it, and he knows exactly who it is.

"It's you." Sasuke says, looking down at a photo of a small, red haired baby. 

Gaara peers over his shoulder again, fidgeting restlessly. He looks distantly uncomfortable, and there's something in his eyes that Sasuke can't quite catch.

"Y-yes. It is." He says, "I...forgot they were in there. I...don't really...look at those."

Sasuke observes the picture, "You were very small." 

"I...was born premature." He says, "It's because of the Shukaku I survived at all, I'm sure."

Ah. That explains how small Gaara still is, even as an adult. No sleep for a decade, born premature, and an omega. It makes sense that he didn't get much taller.

Sasuke frowns and turns the page.

"You really don't want to look at those." Gaara rushes to add from behind him, sounding a bit nervous and hesitant, "I was a pretty ugly child."

Sasuke looks at him in pure confusion for a moment, then looks back down at the pictures. 

"What? No, you weren't." Sasuke says, surprised. Is that what he thought? 

Gaara was cute. Just a smaller version of the omega Sasuke knew so well.

He just...looked very, very sad. Every picture...he had this look in his eyes. A distant torment. He's never seen a child this _ young _ look this... _ depressed _. Even Sasuke's baby pictures were at least somewhat happy, simply because his life hadn't gone to shit yet. 

"This one...you look happy. " Sasuke says, pointing to one where Gaara is pictured holding his teddy bear and giving the camera a hesitant, small smile. It reminds him of the earlier one, of Shinki, though Gaara's eyes still look incredibly sad, somehow.

"Or...this one." He says, pointing to another picture.

Gaara looks both hesitant and confused, barely able to look at himself in the pictures at all.

"You're never ugly, Gaara." Sasuke says, "Don't say that. If I can't say cruel things about myself, you can't either."

Gaara stopped him from tearing himself down all the time, why would he think Sasuke would let him do the same? Especially over something so untrue? 

Sasuke barely noticed most people's appearances (unless they looked like a threat) but he notices Gaara. The omega is quite pretty. Very much so, in Sasuke's opinion.

Sasuke has no idea where Gaara got such a strange idea from. Has he been told that? By who? Was it just a residual effect of being hated so vehemently when he was a child? The thought makes Sasuke angry. Not at Gaara, of course, but at everyone _ else. _ Gaara clearly still internalized what he was told when he was a young child. Sasuke can imagine the deep mental scar that could leave. 

He's about to tell Gaara his thoughts, but then he sees how the omega's eyes change when his gaze lands back on the photo album - on one picture in particular.

Gaara's face shifts from his usual blank expression and a flash of shock and hurt crosses his features before he stifles it again. But Sasuke sees it clearly. He follows Gaara's eyes and looks down at the next photo.

A small, red haired boy who looks like he hasn't slept in years, and a blond man holding him with a small smile on his face. The man looked tired too, but cautiously happy.

"Gaara? Who is this?"

Gaara is silent for a moment, just looking down at the picture. Something like sadness and raw, unfiltered hurt flickers in his eyes again, before he seems to gather himself.

"My uncle." He says, sounding strained, "Yashamaru."

Sasuke can't tear his eyes from Gaara's face for a second, until he looks back down at the picture. 

"He raised me for a while." Gaara says quietly, "He was the only one who didn't avoid me. The first one who showed they loved me. For a while, at least. But it was nice."

'For a while'? Gaara mentioned something about that before, but Sasuke didn't know how to ask the next question. Now he does.

"Gaara, what... happened?"

That naked hurt flashes through his eyes again, and Sasuke suddenly feels terrible for asking. The memory clearly caused Gaara pain, but if Sasuke didn't know what was _ wrong _ he couldn't _ help, _ and he...he _ wanted _ to.

Gaara's helped him so much, over and _ over _ again...

"He died." Gaara says after a moment, "I killed him."

Gaara doesn't look at him, instead choosing to stare at the cacti on the windowsill, taking in the Suna sun. He looks haunted, lost in a memory.

Sasuke doesn't for a second believe that's the whole story. Demon sealed in them or not, no child would simply kill the one person who loves them. Not unless something happened.

"It wasn't your fault." Sasuke says, quietly, "I can tell."

"How can you know that?" Gaara asks, sounding a bit bitter, "I did it. I killed him."

No. There was more. There was always more to Gaara. 

Sasuke turns to fully face him, eyes on the very still omega beside him. He reaches for Gaara's hand, almost without a thought. That's what Gaara does for him when he's struggling, and it helps immensely just knowing that someone is _ there _. Next to him. Willing to take his hand. Tension leaks out of Gaara slowly, Sasuke's scent going strong and comforting, trying to get the omega to look at him.

He can't help asking, though. He needs to know. He needs to know how to help.

"Gaara. What did he do?"

The omega's face goes surprised and his scent goes a bit sour, clearly not expecting Sasuke to ask such a question.

"What makes you think he did something?"

"Because you wouldn't do that."

"I would. I did. I was crazy."

"No. There's more than that." Sasuke says, "He did something. You wouldn't hurt him unless he attacked you, or-"

Gaara looks away.

"Did he attack you?"

Gaara is silent for a long moment where he looks torn between revisiting old pain and stomping it down, trying to forget. 

"It was a long time ago. It doesn't matter now."

Something about that sounds wrong to Sasuke. He thinks for a moment, holding the omega's cold hand, before he can figure out what he means to say.

"But it still upsets you." Sasuke says, "So it matters. You...don't have to tell me. But it does still matter."

Gaara looks at him for a moment, various different emotions warring in his eyes. He looks like he sort of wants to cry, or look away. He frowns to himself, looking down at his hands before he nods and stands, "I should...go check on the children."

Sasuke watches him go, and Gaara avoids his eyes for the rest of the night.

* * *

* * *

* * *

"Sasuke?" Gaara asks, sounding apprehensive and guilty in the dark as he reaches for him that night. They're in bed, curled around each other as usual.

Sasuke is just happy the omega is talking. Sasuke wasn't hurt by Gaara's avoidance of the topic, but he was worried. Gaara helped him so effortlessly, but Sasuke doesn't know how to make things go as smoothly as the omega clearly does. Sasuke's clumsy attempts to let Gaara talk and air some of his pains probably hurt him more than anything. 

"I upset you." Sasuke says, "I'm sorry."

"It wasn't you." Gaara says, "I'm sorry, Sasuke. I just haven't thought about all of that in a while. I guess I still run from it every now and again. It's a habit I've been trying to break for years."

"That's alright." Sasuke says, "I just...want to make sure you're okay."

"I know." Gaara says, taking his hand, "I shouldn't have just left like that, or shut down afterwards. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize." Sasuke says, squeezing his hand, "You didn't do anything wrong at all. You didn't want to talk about it. I understand. Are you okay?"

Green eyes meet his and something passes through them. Something Sasuke can't catch thanks to the dark. 

And then Gaara tells him. His voice is quiet and even as he speaks, telling Sasuke about his father, his uncle and what happened years ago. How his father was cold and distant, treating Gaara as a weapon but never a son. How he washed his hands of Gaara eventually and handed him off to his uncle. Being constantly kept away from his siblings. Being screamed at in the streets, every day, constantly. The villagers sneering, throwing rocks that his sand would catch. His uncle trying to kill him at the age of six, telling him no one loved him and that he was indeed a monster. That his mother's love - the one thing he clung to that made his lonely existence _ worth anything _ \- was a complete farce. Sasuke learns that's when Gaara carved the kanji into his skin, a small child turning to self harm to feel anything at all.

Then what his reanimated father told him during the war. That it was all a lie. A ploy to see whether Gaara could contain the beast sealed inside him in times of emotional distress. He was loved, and all those years of pain were for nothing. 

Sasuke can't really stop himself from being angry, so he doesn't try. He just fumes and listens, biting the inside of his cheek so hard it bleeds. 

He barely notices the metal taste that fills his mouth. He's too full of disgust and rage at what he's hearing to pay it much mind. Sasuke unclenches his fist and takes Gaara's hand, squeezing. 

Sasuke doesn't know how else to describe what the omega's father and uncle did to him other than to call it mental torture. Because it _ was _ . That's an unforgivable thing to do to a child. A child who was _ already _ viciously depressed, lonely and insecure.

That sort of thing could completely shatter one's trust in anything or anyone forever. He wonders what else Gaara had to work through to even be able to have the emotional availability to form bonds again, much less be able to help others. He's in awe of the omega's internal strength and yet so angry that he even went through such things in the first place. 

By the time Gaara finishes he looks drawn and exhausted, his voice nearly a whisper and his eyes avoiding Sasuke's once more.

"Gaara-"

"I'm okay. It's okay."

"No, you're not. And nothing about that was okay." Sasuke says, dropping Gaara's hand only to pull him closer. It felt like the right thing to do. It's what Sasuke wants to do. Just pull Gaara close and tell him that was wrong. That he deserved better and that Sasuke wouldn't let something like that happen again. So he does. He says all of that, because it's the truth. 

Gaara looks a bit panicked at his words, his eyes refusing to meet Sasuke's, his shoulders tense. He still curls up close to the Uchiha and trembles, though. Like he'll fall apart if he moves an inch away from the alpha and his scent.

Sasuke doesn't stop telling him what he deserves to hear, though.

"You deserved a father who saw you. Not a weapon. But I...know you know that. Logically, anyway. But you still blame yourself for a lot, I think. Things you shouldn't be hard on yourself for. Of course you lost it. You were only six."

Gaara finally is able to look at him, and the look in his eyes makes Sasuke want to cover him in his scent and make sure no one hurts him again. They'd have to get past Sasuke first.

"I think we both need to be less hard on ourselves. You taught me that, remember?" Sasuke says, running his hand through Gaara's hair. It's soft. Sasuke does it again.

Gaara looks a bit shaken, like he could cry. Sasuke wonders how long it's been since he heard someone say that to him. That he didn't deserve it. Of course Gaara knew they were wrong to hurt him like that, but something _ that _ awful…Gaara probably needed to be reminded every now and again. 

Sasuke pulls Gaara closer, wrapping his arm around him and pressing his face to Gaara's hair. He closes his eyes, just scenting the omega tucked next to him. 

Gaara clings to him, trembling just the slightest bit.

"Please stay." Gaara breathes, and he sounds like Sasuke's never heard him. Weak. Needy. Wanting. Vulnerable.

He wanted Sasuke to stay close to him. He can't see Gaara's face, but the purely protective instincts that rise up in him cause Sasuke's scent to go warm and strong.

"Of course." Sasuke says, "You don't even have to ask."

Sasuke holds him close, and feels Gaara's quiet tears on his neck until the omega falls asleep.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Sasuke brings the cat the next time they stay at Gaara's place. She's going to have to get used to the Kazekage's apartment eventually, and Sasuke is tired of sending clones home to play with and feed her. It's easier to just bundle her into the cat carrier he buys and bring her along. Gaara gave him a key weeks ago, and when he unlocks the door to the Kazekage's home Sarada barrels inside, hugging Gaara tight before darting off to find Shinki. Sasuke greets Gaara and lets the cat out of the carrier.

She sniffs around for a while, climbing things and swatting at curtains until she sets her sights on Gaara, who sits under the kotatsu.

Akumi-chan sniffs around the omega for a moment - extra interested in the Kazekage for reasons unknown to either of them - before she simply drapes herself over his stomach and begins to purr, kneading him with her tiny paws.

"Hm." Sasuke says, amused, "She's never done that before."

"Really?" Gaara asks, "I wonder why she feels so inclined to do so now."

The cat purrs at the omega's middle, like she knows something they don't.

"She probably just likes you." Sasuke tells him.

The omega scratches her head, "I'm flattered."

The cat simply mews at him.

"Dinner is almost ready. I started making some rice, but it smelled terrible for some reason." Gaara says, frowning, "So I settled on hot pot. I hope that's alright."

Sasuke turns to look at him for a moment, before he says, "Sounds good. You look tired. I'll take over."

Gaara looks startled for a moment, like he didn't expect Sasuke to notice his fatigue. Then his eyes go warm again.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." He says, "No rice. I can do the rest."

Gaara nods, leaning on the table slightly, his head in his hand. He blinks slowly, looking drained. 

Sasuke frowns, "You okay?" 

"Yes, I'm alright." Gaara says quickly, hardly thinking. 

"Gaara…"

Sasuke knew he was simply answering without considering how he really felt. These last few weeks taught Sasuke that Gaara had a habit of just flippantly saying he was fine when someone asked sometimes, and Sasuke now knew to ask again. 

"I've been a bit... nauseous and dizzy all day." Gaara says, "I might've eaten something that didn't agree with me."

"Have you eaten anything since?"

"No." He says, "I didn't feel well enough to bother."

Sasuke frowns, pressing his hand to Gaara's forehead. No fever…

He pours the omega some tea and hands it to him.

"Hopefully this will settle your stomach." He says, looking at Gaara with concern. 

"Thank you, Sasuke."

He sips at the tea and squeezes Sasuke's hand, grateful.

* * *

* * *

* * *

That night Gaara rides him slow, and Sasuke presses lips and teeth to Gaara's shoulder, his arm wrapped around the omega's waist as he moves. 

Sasuke can't think, all he can do is feel. Gaara's so tight around him, and he felt so good pressed against Sasuke's body. He clutches the omega tight, leaving bites along his shoulder and collarbone. Desire slinks through Sasuke's blood.

Gaara gasps and Sasuke takes the chance to kiss him, shoving his tongue in Gaara's panting mouth. 

They lose their rhythm a bit, absorbed in kissing and tasting each other. Gaara's hands tangle in Sasuke's hair and it's almost surprising how _ good _ something so _ simple _ can feel. That heated ball of want in Sasuke's stomach grows tighter, more scorching. They move together, as Gaara trembles in his lap and Sasuke tastes his skin, leaving finger shaped bruises on Gaara's hip.

When they finish they stay together, sweaty and exhausted, panting into each other's skin. They don't say anything for a while. They don't need to. 

Sasuke shoves his face in Gaara's neck, inhaling that sweet, rosy scent, only _ barely _ resisting biting down.

Tension leaks from his shoulders at the feeling of warm, soft skin. He feels gentle hands in his hair and he lets out a breath.

And like always, he has the onslaught of thoughts that scream to just bury his teeth in that pale neck and mark him. 

They haven't talked about it, and he couldn't take that choice away from Gaara, but it was so, so tempting. Did Gaara even know what thoughts Sasuke was having, so close to the place where he could just bond him forever? Tether him to Sasuke until they're both no more?

Surely Gaara wouldn't let him this close if he knew what Sasuke wanted. 

Or...or maybe he would. 

"Sasuke?" Gaara asks, voice even in the dark, "Are you alright?"

Sasuke is still heavy inside him, and Gaara is still flushed and tight around him, bruises blooming across his collarbone.

"Yeah." Sasuke says, pressing his lips to Gaara's shoulder, "Yeah, I'm fine."

"What're you thinking about?"

"Would you...let me bite you? Bond you?"

The question is out before Sasuke can stop it.

"I would. Why?"

He didn't expect that answer. At least, not so quickly.

"You...you would?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Gaara says, blinking at him in the dark.

Sasuke feels like his face is on fire. He's grateful for the dark. Then he sees that Gaara's cheeks are still flaming red too.

"This isn't something that has to be decided now." Gaara says, "We can wait. We should, actually. So it's right."

"Right...make sure we're ready." Sasuke says. He understands and it makes sense, but he can't help feeling a bit of longing. He wanted and wanted and _ wanted _…

In time. Patience. There was nothing to rush.

"That's perfectly fine with me." Gaara smiles gently. Sasuke nods, still refusing to move his face from the omega's neck. His scent was strongest there, and Sasuke wanted to stay just like this. Warm and close to him.

Gaara's hands run through his hair and he curls closer to the omega, shoulders relaxing.

Safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, more drama is slowly bubbling up. Let's see where this goes. I wonder what akumi-chan knows that we don't. Cats are very intuitive. Hmm.
> 
> Not betad, bit will be edited further if I find mistakes. 
> 
> Also, of you're dropping this story for whatever reason, there's no need to write a long and drawn out comment about why you suddenly hate this fic. It's unnecessary and I'll just delete it, rendering a that typing you did useless. 
> 
> Anyways, lemme know what you think!


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